Always Angel (The List #4)

by N. K. Love

  7. Gladiators

  8. Music (too many tracks to mention)

  9. Masturbation

  10. Orgasms

  11. The word ‘Angel’

  12. The gym

  13. Coffee

  14. My freckles

  15. Most of my underwear

  16. My sex toys

  After my morning shower, I get ready for work and vow that today is going to be a better day. The difference is that I actually believe it. I am not going to kick myself every time Jax pops into my head and I’m not going to stop myself from thinking about our times together with a smile on my face.

  I know now that it’s counterproductive to work against the grain. I’ve been making my life more difficult because of it so that all stops now.

  When I left last Monday, Jax told me that he will catch me. Do I need catching? Not so long ago, I felt strong. I had my wings and I was soaring high. Maybe I just need a little time to figure out how to use them again, with or without him.

  Before leaving my bedroom, I move my six small parcels onto my bed. I line them up in the order that they were delivered. I decide that I’ll open them this evening. Instead of being concerned about what emotions they’ll raise within me, the prospect of revealing what they are, gives me a buzz of excitement!

  Yes, today will be a better day.

  8:34pm

  Fresh from a relaxing bubble bath, I sit cross-legged on my bed with a towel wrapped around me. I rub my damp hair, run a comb through it and leave it loose to dry naturally.

  My parcels are laid out neatly in front of me, giving me daggers for having been made to wait so long.

  This morning the courier caught me just as I was leaving and had me sign for a delivery. It wasn’t the same shape as the others or immaculately wrapped in the same paper, so I didn’t think it was anything to do with Jax.

  But when I placed it on the passenger seat, I instantly noticed Jax’s beautiful, elegant handwriting on an ivory coloured business card attached to it. When I peeled it away, I saw that the other side was embossed with the Carter Corp. logo. Jax had written; ‘Wish 34 – Angel, I wish you’d play this on your way to work today.’

  Instead of cussing myself for slowly stroking my fingers over his words, I thought Fuck It and tore it open. It was a CD that he’d put together of my favourite songs. Not only that, he’d included tracks that meant something to us. Tracks like, “Trading Places” by Usher, for obvious reasons. And, “Feel It” by Lloyd; the track that we played on repeat during our epic, impromptu car sex!

  It was a thoughtful and sweet thing to do. Given my healthier frame of mind now, I was able to sing along and enjoy the reminiscing.

  I know he is doing this to remind me of how good we have it—had it—no, have it.

  I’ve already poured myself a large glass of crisp, white wine. I take a sip and reach for the first parcel, which was received Tuesday. It was the first morning in my new apartment and I’ve no idea how he even found out the address, let alone bought a gift and arranged a courier in time.

  Carefully, I peel back the sides to reveal a black, square jewellery box and the same Carter Corp. business card. I turn over the card and feel the butterflies again when I see Jax’s handwriting; ‘I wish you every happiness in your new home. Wish 41 – I wish you’d add this to your bracelet, please.’

  I snap open the box and there, sitting on a lilac, silk cushion is a little, silver house. I pull the box closer and see that the size hasn’t restricted its intricate detail. It’s stunning.

  I’d already removed my bracelet before getting in the bath. It’s so tricky to do it one-handed because of the double clasps he’d had fitted. Taking it off the side unit, I place it flat across the bed in front of me.

  The charm has a ribbon threaded through it, which I remove and then set it down beside the rope designed bracelet.

  My book charm is no longer on its own and I’ve got a feeling it’s about to get a few more friends too.

  Next parcel; ‘Wish 40 – I wish you’d be my angel forever, Angel.’

  I open the identical box and put my hand to my mouth to catch the gasp that escapes. I find a beautiful pair of angel wings attached to a silver cuff. The wings are equally as detailed as the house, but with tiny sparkling diamonds embedded on each side.

  Angel. I am his angel and I always will be, no matter what. He doesn’t need a wish for that to happen. Re-reading his words tells me that he wants me to be his wholeheartedly, forever.

  Also in the box are two spacer charms, lilac and dusty pink. First, I thread on a spacer, followed by the house and the second spacer and finally the angel wings.

  Lying it flat on the bed again, I admire its beauty. It’s like building a piece of art and I don’t just mean the workmanship of the jewellery, it’s the way Jax is composing the story it will tell and the memories it will unify.

  Keeping the excited momentum flowing, I open the third parcel with a lot less decorum. ‘Wish 39 – I wish you would think about where it all began. One look was all it ever took.’

  I feel more apprehensive this time. I slowly open the box to reveal the tiniest lollipop in the world! It’s super cute. Immediately, my face is plastered with a huge smile as I clutch onto the box and fall back against my pillow.

  Closing my eyes, I grant his wish. I think about the first time we laid eyes on each other in the gym and an invisible shiver ripples over my body. Then, that first conversation in the nightclub, Tricks. Me, sucking on my strawberry and cream lollipop. I can almost taste it again. I was trying so hard not to get flummoxed and let my incredible gladiator see me for who I really was; a shy, confused, inexperienced woman with low self-confidence. That moment right there changed my life as I knew it.

  I peek back at the charm and bite my lip, as I imagine Jax thinking about these same memories when he chose it.

  Threading the accompanying lilac spacer onto the bracelet, I gently slide on the sparkling lollipop.

  Next parcel; ‘Wish 38 – I wish you would consider the notion that somehow you’ve always been in control of us.’

  Now this is intriguing! Does he really believe that? Is it true? It certainly hasn’t always felt that way to me. But then again, although I love his dominant, commanding side, I’ve always known that I’ve had a voice in our relationship. He has never disrespected me or made me feel like anything less than his equal.

  Does Jax think that I’m the one who calls the shots? How could he? I’m hopelessly in love with him and can’t imagine a future without him. Acknowledging that little fact right there makes me feel weak, not strong and in control. Having said that, our future is in my hands right now. No pressure!

  I wonder what this little box will hold. Here goes… It’s another dusty pink spacer and… a chair? How random is that? Then I realise, of course! The lap dance-off at Stryders! He is using that dance to signify my control. He knows how much that night meant to me. The feeling of utterly letting go of my inhibitions and unleashing the part of me that I’d held back for so long. It was a key turning point for me.

  At first I wonder how the charm fits on, but on closer inspection I see that it’s been designed for the bracelet to pass through the holes in the two armrests. Once again it’s a detailed design and the back of the legs each have tiny jewels running down them.

  Once I’ve carefully placed the spacer and charm onto their new home, there’s two parcels left and I’m eager to see what he has in store for me next.

  ‘Wish 37 – I wish I could fuck you again soon! I’ve been trying to think of something poetic, but the more I think about this night, and every other, the more I want to bury my cock inside your sweet pussy. Fact.’

  Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting that! He’s filled two business cards this time, front and back! The word ‘fuck’ has been written in bold where he has repeated the word over three or four times. I read it again and again, shifting my position as my body automatically responds to his words. For fucks sake! This wi
sh has me on edge. For once, I’m not sure if it’s one that I’ll be granting, even though I really fucking want to.

  So, which night is he talking about? I open the black, velvet box and instantly giggle. It’s a tree. A beautiful, fucking tree—literally! Yes, that night was indeed special. I flashback to the feel of the rough bark against my back through his shirt. I remember his bruising grip on my thighs as he hoisted me up and fucked me like I’d never been fucked before—all because I asked him to. Have I unwittingly always called the shots? Well, he needed it that night and so did I. Then, afterwards, he piggybacked me home and asked me to be ‘sexclusive’!

  The charm hangs delicately from a silver cuff which has spirals mapped around it. I fit it to the bracelet alongside the new lilac spacer. It looks magical, just like that night.

  I reach for the final box, which arrived yesterday. I’m ready to expose its fate.

  ‘Wish 35 – I will always fight for you. I wish you’d think about how much this memory meant to both of us, Angel.’

  I think for a minute that he has made a mistake, but then remember that his text message on the weekend satisfied ‘Wish 36’.

  After a deep breath in and out, I open the final box.

  It’s a pair of silver boxing gloves, representing that afternoon in his gym. I take the charm out of the box, holding it by the loop that attaches it. The laces are perfectly detailed, and what’s more wonderful is the outside of each glove is covered meticulously with sparkling, tiny lilac and pale pink jewels.

  Jax wants me to think about how much this memory meant to both of us. The time I tied him up with his black glove strapping and blindfolded him. God, I felt nothing short of exhilarated. This moment was another turning point in our relationship. He showed me the trust he had in me, and I returned that by lowering my barriers and letting my Fuck It attitude lead the way.

  I know I mean a lot to him and I know that our connection can never be imitated by somebody else. But does that mean that what we have is impenetrable? It sure does feel like a wedge keeps trying to bury itself between us.

  I’m distracted out of my thoughts by the swaying movement of something else hanging behind the gloves. Also attached to the same loop is a simple, circular plaque. I hold the gloves to the side and read the inscription; ‘Never give up’. It’s been engraved to mimic his handwriting, it’s identical.

  I empty my lungs with an involuntary shaky exhale. Letting the charm fall into my palm, I clench my fist up to my heart. Never. Give. Up.

  I quickly fit the spacer and charm onto the bracelet, beside the array of beautiful charms. I don’t want to give in to the temptation of curling up in a naked ball and losing myself to my black hole of thoughts, which I’ve so often done recently.

  Having only briefly spoken to him once in a week, I’d be forgiven for not knowing what is going on in his mind. But this, all of this, tells me all I need to know. He is reaching out to me to show me what we have been through and what we mean to each other.

  When I’m finished, I lie the bracelet out flat and jump up off my bed. I stretch my limbs and gather up all of the packaging. After finishing my wine, I take the rubbish and the empty glass to the kitchen and then return to my bedroom. It’s dark outside now so I put on my corner lamp.

  Reaching across the bed, I carefully pick up the bracelet. It’s a lot heavier than it was before I took it off. Holding it out in front of me with both hands, I sway it back and forth. I’m absolutely mesmerised by its shimmering beauty. With all his wishes combined, he’s created a journey of our memories. I could see it as shrewd or underhand tactics to win me over. But it’s neither of those things. It’s special and thoughtful and completely perfect.

  Resting my forearm on the bed, I wrap the bracelet around my wrist and after some fiddly attempts, I manage to secure it. Whilst admiring how it looks, I reach for my phone and take a few photos.

  I walk over to my balcony to get some fresh air. It’s a warm night so I decide to sit out here for a while. How I feel right now, proves that I’m not mad at Jax. I’m not angry at him for keeping his secrets to himself because he was up front about it and it was my choice to continue our relationship whilst knowing that.

  Quickly, I decide to make my move before my emotions start to twist and mutate into something else.

  After inserting the best of the few snaps I’d taken, I send it to Jax with a message; Jax, I can’t begin to describe how this makes me feel. Do you like it? Because I love it. Thank you so much x

  Automatically, I lose myself in the memories all over again, as I flick my wrist left and right, playing around with the positioning of the charms.

  My phone beeps from my lap.

  Well, it’s all worth it just to see that glimpse of your body x

  Mmm… I wish I could see a glimpse of his body right now.

  Jax

  I stare at the photo she’s sent me, zooming in and out, imagining her carefully studying each and every charm, allowing them to provoke the same memories to replay in her mind as they have mine.

  The knowledge that she’s now read the words accompanying those gifts, helps me feel closer to her.

  Forearm foreplay? x

  I’ll take anything I can get right now x

  And that’s the pathetic truth of it. Wanking to vivid memories of my girl is all that’s keeping me sane right now. Thank God for her sexy selfies, like the Nurse Taylor special she sent to me! Or the pictures I’ve taken of her, especially the one of her leaning against the doorframe wearing those stockings. But, what’s been draining my phone battery most is that golden footage of her stripping for me in the living room. It has practically been on repeat! I swear, when her warm mouth wraps around my dick, I almost feel it. Every. Time.

  U sound as though ur struggling too x

  It doesn’t have to b this way…

  For now it does x

  Maybe I could help, B. R u ready to talk? It doesn’t have to be deep. I need 2 hear your voice. No wish. Your choice x

  Clutching my phone, I roll over to face Beth’s side of the bed. I’ve got a film on pause, but there’s no way I can watch it now. It was only ever a distraction anyway, just like everything else I’ve been doing since she left.

  My phone lights up and my thumb automatically answers in a heartbeat.

  “Angel.”

  “Hey.”

  I sit upright with my back against the headboard.

  “How are you?”

  “Um… Better, than I was. Last week was…well, a bad week. But I’m feeling more with it now. How about you?”

  “How’s your new place?”

  “It’s good. My mom did a lovely job making it feel more homely. The landlord is a bit of an idiot, but other than that—”

  “What has he done?”

  “It’s more like what he hasn’t done. The lock on the front door keeps jamming and we were locked in for hours waiting for maintenance. Oh, and the bathroom has gotten damp on the back wall, but he doesn’t seem interested. My mom treated it last week in the end.” This landlord sounds like a fucking dick. “Anyway, it’s fine now. It’s nothing really. Sorry, I must be—”

  She’s waffling. She’s nervous.

  “God, I miss you.”

  I sense her smile and feel relieved.

  “I miss you too. More than you know.” There’s a pause it seems neither of us know how to fill. “You’re rubbing your head, aren’t you?”

  I pull my hand down and laugh.

  “You know me… So, did you grant any of my wishes?”

  “Hmm. Let me see… All but one.”

  “Hold on.” I reach over to the bedside table and grab the little folded up piece of paper I’d thrown out of my pocket earlier. “Okay. Hmm, yeah, I was pushing my luck with the tree, huh? So, does this mean you’re telling me that you’ll be mine forever, Angel?”

  “Wait a minute. Did I just hear paper? Jax, have you written them down?”

  “Do you blame me? This is like a mi
litary operation for me. Looks as though your incessant list writing abilities have rubbed off on me somewhat.” She giggles, mocking the thought of me writing a list of my wishes, like a kid at Christmas. “Anyway, you didn’t answer the question. If that’s how you feel, why are you miles away, instead of lying in my arms right now?”

  Where I need her.

  “Jax, don’t. I told you before, my love for you isn’t being questioned here. No matter what happens between us, a part of me will always be yours. Nothing will change that.”

  “I don’t want a part of you. I need all of you.”

  “You don’t need me, Jax. I’ve given you a glimpse into how your life would be without your wayward past blocking you. You don’t need me to build a better future for yourself. You just needed to get past the Unit, which I believe was holding you back.”