Second

by Chantal Fernando

  We both start laughing again.

  *****

  “How did you meet Tara?” Dean asks me while we’re in bed. Tara left about an hour ago, after we ate. Good food and company, can’t ask for much more.

  “We met in my first year of uni,” I explain, closing my eyes as he runs his fingers through my hair. “I was studying in the library, and she came in, drenched from the rain. We started talking, and just got on really well.”

  “What made you start talking?” he asks.

  “I pointed at her and said, ‘Did you just get your Prada bag wet?’ And then she nodded sadly, so I got some tissues out of my bag and helped her dry it.”

  Dean chuckles and mutters, “Yeah, I can see that happening.”

  “She’s my female soulmate,” I add, yawning. I look at him and say, “I’m going to miss you when you go.”

  “I’m going to miss you too,” he murmurs, lifting my chin with his finger. He lowers his face and kisses me, his lips already knowing mine so well. When he leaves, it’s going to suck. But it’s too soon for anything else; it would be stupid of me to make a rash decision and move to LA or something. We only just admitted our feelings for each other, and I don’t even know what he wants to do when he leaves. Long distance or nothing? Or even worse, are we just not going to talk about it, and then I’ll be overthinking and analysing every single thing he says.

  He’s worth it though.

  This is worth it.

  We fall asleep in each other’s arms.

  *****

  The next few days pass in a blur, and before we know it, it’s Dean’s last night here.

  “How are we going to spend today?” he asks, pressing his lips to the back of my neck, sending shivers up my spine.

  “Finding a time machine?” I joke, sighing. “I don’t know. In bed? Yes, I think that sounds perfect.”

  “And what do you want to do in bed, Sabina?” he asks me, rolling me over to face him. His fingers slide inside my panties, and he slowly begins to play. “This?”

  I nod, unable to speak as he grazes my clit.

  When he slides a finger inside, a soft moan escapes me. Yes, this, this is exactly what I want to do on our last night together.

  Over and over again.

  He kisses me softly, his tongue expertly toying with mine, his fingers sensually torturing me. I start to rub his cock through the material of his grey track pants, and I can feel him harden with each touch. I tug at his pants, but need a little help from him, so he lifts his hips up while I pull them down enough for me to take his cock out and into my hands. I start to stroke him with one hand, the other reaching up to lazily play with my nipples.

  I end the kiss to tell him, “I’m going to come. I want to come with you inside of me.”

  He stops touching me and lies back, lifting me to straddle him. I slide down my panties and throw them on the floor, taking his hard length into my hand and holding it at the entrance of my pussy. Slowly, I slide him inside of me, inch by delicious inch, until he’s fully in me, and then I start to ride him. He lifts up the material of my white nightie until it’s over my head and off me, so I’m fully naked before him. I’ve noticed that he likes to watch while I ride him… my face, my breasts, and especially when I lift up and down on his cock. He likes to see it going inside of me. Him watching me so intently turns me on too, and excites me even more.

  “Babe, kiss me,” he orders, and I lean forward, breasts swaying, and give him what he wants. His hands move to grip my arse, urging me forward, so I start to move faster. Harder. I come first like I usually do, burying my face in his neck and whispering curses under my breath, and then he comes shortly after, his hips jerking upwards as he fills me.

  “Fuck,” he whispers raggedly, like the orgasm just stole every inch of energy in him.

  I lift my head to look at him, and he cups my cheeks with his hands and kisses my forehead. “Is this what you want to do all day?”

  “And night.”

  His slow spreading smile makes my heart race. “You trying to kill me before I have to leave, Sabina?”

  “Are you complaining, old man?” I reply, arching my brow.

  He grins. “Never.”

  We take a nap, and the next time I wake up it’s to him sliding into me from the spooning position.

  Best last day ever.

  Chapter Eighteen

  When there’s a knock at the door that evening, I have no idea who it could be. I doubt Tara would come over today, knowing Dean leaves tomorrow morning. Unless it’s Kate? I cringe at the thought. She still doesn’t know about Dean and me, but I know she isn’t going to like it. Dean makes it to the door before me, so I stop and wait to see who it is.

  When I hear him say, “What are you doing here?” in a slightly panicked tone, I’m immediately curious. As he steps outside and closes the door behind him, I’m suspicious. I open the door in time to see him ushering a woman down the hall.

  “Dean, wait,” I say, making him stop in his tracks. “What’s going on here?”

  I leave the door open and walk towards them.

  “Sabina, go inside,” he says, but there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere until I know what’s going on. I look down, and with the woman is a small boy.

  “Who is this?” I ask, smiling at the boy. “Hello, aren’t you a cutie?”

  I glance up at the woman, presumably the mother, who avoids my gaze, instead looking down at her son. She looks much older than me, with blonde frizzy hair and shrewd eyes. Dean gently grabs me by my upper arm. “Please let me handle this.”

  He’s hiding something from me.

  Is this boy his kid?

  “Whatever it is, tell me the truth now, Dean,” I say, looking him in the eye. He winces and turns to the woman.

  “This is Sam and her son, Luke.”

  “And?” I say, looking at Sam, who is still avoiding looking at my face. “Is this child yours?” I look down to Luke, and wish I hadn’t said that in front of him. He looks about four, old enough to understand.

  “No,” he says, shaking his head. “I don’t have any kids, Sabina. And if I did, you’d know about them, because they’d probably be yours.”

  I exhale slowly. “Then what is it?”

  “I don’t want to tell you,” he says, shaking his head. “I should have told you but I didn’t know how. I’m so sorry, Sabina.”

  “What is it?” I snap, making Luke jump.

  Fuck.

  How much of a bitch am I?

  I try and soften my expression as I address him. “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  The mother still stays silent. She looks as if she’s scared to even breathe right now.

  Dean swallows hard. He nods towards Luke and says, “He’s Ben’s son.” I’m sure I didn’t hear right. “Wh-what?”

  Did he just say Ben’s son?

  Ben.

  As in my Ben?

  “There must be some mistake,” I say, shaking my head. The kid does have the same colour eyes and hair as Ben, but so do a lot of kids. That doesn’t mean anything. If this is a dream, I’d like to wake up right now.

  Please.

  I address Sam directly. “Is this true?”

  She finally looks at me, and nods.

  “I see,” I whisper.

  So Ben had cheated on me, and had a baby with another woman? Was it one time or an ongoing thing? Does it really matter? Ben’s not even here, but I still feel betrayed. I feel like everything I thought was true between us was a lie. How blind have I been? What else did I miss?

  “Come on, let’s go inside,” Dean says, ushering me away. He turns to Sam and says, “I’ll transfer more money through to you. But if you come here again, you won’t see another cent.”

  Sam nods, but adds, “I’m sick of being hidden, Dean. Luke deserves more than this. I didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t you think it’s time she knew the truth?”

  She didn’t do anything wrong?

&
nbsp; Debatable.

  Sure, she could give me the whole she didn’t owe me any loyalty line, and she’d be right, but a good woman wouldn’t do what she did either.

  Dean looks directly at her and snaps, “Not another word, Sam. I will talk to Sabina.”

  He then softens his tone and says to Luke, “I’ll see you soon, little man.”

  Luke nods and grins at Dean.

  Even his grin is like Ben’s.

  This kid is fucking cute, sweet, and an innocent. Yet the reason he’s here makes me want to punch something. It makes the pain in my chest return, but for a whole other reason this time. The man I’ve been mourning for all this time was a fucking cheater and a liar.

  Luke waves bye to me, and I just watch him.

  Dean practically drags me back into my apartment and sits me on the couch. He brings me coffee. I don’t drink it. He tries to talk to me; I don’t want to hear it. He tries to touch me, but I push him away.

  Yeah, Ben fucked me over.

  But Dean knew about it, and he didn’t say a thing.

  Even after Ben died, he didn’t tell me.

  I don’t know how I’m meant to be okay with that.

  *****

  “Can we please talk,” Dean says, pacing back and forth. “You won’t even listen to me, Sabina.”

  “We should have had a talk when you first found out about this, Dean. Which was when? Has everyone been hiding it from me for the last few years?”

  The thought fucking infuriates me.

  “No,” Dean says, sitting down next to me. “I only found out when Ben died. Ben used to pay child support, and when it stopped, Sam came to Kate’s house.”

  So Kate knew? Of course she did. She was probably happy because Ben left something, or someone, behind.

  “Kate rang me up and told me. She said she wanted Luke to be taken care of, and she wanted me to sort it out,” he says, sighing. “I’ve been giving her money for Luke. I didn’t know how to tell you, Sabina. I don’t want to hurt you. You loved Ben so much, and I know he’s my cousin, but he wasn’t fucking worthy of the love and loyalty you gave him. I didn’t want to have this conversation. Now you know the type of man you were really married to, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “You should have told me” is all I say. “Ben’s not here anymore, Dean. I can’t exactly dig him up and kill him again. He cheated. We obviously weren’t as happy as I thought we were.”

  And now, after knowing what I feel for Dean, I understand that a whole lot better. It wasn’t like this with Ben. I wasn’t as happy, the connection wasn’t as strong, and the feelings weren’t as incredible.

  And after seeing the kid with my own eyes.... He’s just a kid. He didn’t ask for this. I can’t regret him coming into the world; no one deserves to be thought of like that.

  Ben’s not here anymore, but Luke is.

  It is what it is.

  “You tried to hide them from me, Dean. If I didn’t come out to see what was going on, I’d never have found out,” I explain, looking down at my hands. “And what’s fucked up the most is, you doing that hurts more than what Ben has done. Ben’s my past. He’s gone. Sure, it hurts that he cheated, and obviously wasn’t the man I thought he was, but I can’t change anything with Ben now. You’re here, and we’re… whatever we are, and you purposely tried to mislead me. How am I meant to trust you now? What else are you hiding?”

  “Nothing,” he growls, reaching out for me, but then retracting his hand. “I should have told you, okay? I’m sorry. Last time I saw you, you were a mess. You were heartbroken over losing Ben. There’s no way I could have told you then. And then a year passed, which brings us to now. I wanted to tell you, I did, but you’re blind when it comes to Ben, and now he’s not even here! It’s a hard subject, don’t you think? I would have been screwed either way, for telling you or for not. And to be honest, I didn’t want you to think I was trying to tell you about him being unfaithful just because I wanted you. I didn’t plan on seeing Sam and Luke at your fucking door, so yeah, I freaked out and just wanted them away from here. I didn’t want you to see Ben’s fucking mistress and his kid at your front door, asking for money from me. I didn’t handle it well, but I’m only human, Sabina.”

  His mistress? I guess it wasn’t a one-time thing then. Wow, that actually does hurt. How could I be so wrong about a person I knew for so long? Is my judgement so off?

  What if I’m wrong about Dean too?

  Fuck.

  I don’t know what to think.

  I don’t deserve any of this.

  I was only ever faithful to Ben, and he had a fucking mistress. Why didn’t he just end things with me? I would have preferred that. Then I could have moved on and found someone who actually appreciates me. A real man—who would be honest. How did Ben look me in the eye every day and act like he hadn’t done anything wrong? How did he sleep so well at night? How did he tell me off for spending too much on shopping when he was giving money to his other family?

  And now why is Dean paying for Ben’s mistakes?

  Fuck.

  Honesty is so important though. It’s everything. I don’t respect people who lie. Dean never lied, he omitted. And he tried to hide Sam and Luke from me. I get that he must have panicked, but he should have told me about this a long time ago. Maybe not straight after the funeral, but he could have picked up the phone and told me about it during the year. I’m not a bad person. I don’t wish Ben’s kid anything but happiness, and I have no problem with money going to the kid. Hell, he can take Ben’s life insurance money. I don’t want it. I haven’t even spent a cent of it. Luke can put it away for college and a car, whatever he wants. He already has no father, and he shouldn’t have to pay any more just because Ben is a fucking piece of shit.

  This has ruined Dean’s last night here, because right now, I just want to be alone.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I fall asleep on the couch, then wake up when I feel Dean carrying me to bed. I don’t argue when he joins me, I just feel tired. Emotionally exhausted. When he wraps me in his arms, I still feel safe, but I also feel sad. He’s leaving in the morning, and there’s so much up in the air between us. Then again, some time apart will give me time to think and get used to this whole situation. To the reality. Ben wasn’t who I thought he was, but that doesn’t mean Dean isn’t, right?

  He’s still Dean.

  My Dean.

  I just don’t trust myself or my judgement anymore.

  Everything has been fake, and everyone knew except me. There I was, turning down every man that looked at me even after Ben’s death because I still felt loyal to him and I wasn’t ready to move on from him, yet he’d been fucking around during our marriage, and now Dean is cleaning it up, handing money over to this woman. No wonder she couldn’t look at me. If I was a mistress I wouldn’t be able to look at the wife of the man I was with either. I don’t know how she justifies it in her head, but then again she owed no loyalty to me. Ben did. And he didn’t give me that. If I could turn the clock back, I’d go back to the first moment I met Dean. I’d ask him to take me home, instead of waiting for Ben. But I can’t change anything and there’s no point having regrets. It won’t help my current situation. I just need to deal with it. I’m a strong woman. This isn’t going to break me.

  Nothing will.

  While everyone knew about this and I didn’t, I can still walk around with my head held high. I can be proud of the person I am, because I didn’t hurt anyone, and I didn’t betray anyone. I’ve done nothing wrong.

  Everyone else can go to hell.

  I close my eyes and hope that I fall asleep soon, just so I can get rid of these thoughts in my head, even if it’s just for a few hours.

  Peace.

  I just want peace.

  *****

  Everything looks better in the morning. I have a headache, but I let everything go, pushing Ben, Sam, and Luke out of my mind. I concentrate on Dean instead. He’s leaving in an hour. We didn’t make
love this morning, but we did cuddle. He’s now finishing packing, while I’m sitting on the bed, wondering what to say to him. I feel like I have no idea what’s going on between us, and in this last week we’ve grown so close. I really just don’t know.

  “Are you okay?” he asks me, resting his hand on my nape.

  “Yeah,” I say, forcing a smile. I know if I don’t say bye to him properly I will regret it. There’s no point lashing out at Dean. He hid something from me, and I’ve told him it hurt me. I’m going to leave it at that. I don’t want him to leave with us angry. You never know when the last time you’ll see someone is, and I will never leave anyone I care about on bad terms. No, I want them to know just how much they mean to me every time.

  “Can I make you something to eat before we leave?” I ask him. We had a light breakfast, but I’m a little hungry again already.

  “I’m fine, babe,” he says, cupping my cheek. “Are you hungry? We can get something on the way, if you want.”

  “I’m good,” I tell him. I’ll grab something after I drop him at the airport. If I haven’t lost my appetite by then.

  I hate this.

  I hate that we went from being so easy around each other to this. I don’t know what to say, or how to act. I’m still upset that he lied to me and I can’t pretend that I’m not, but he’s flying home today. I don’t want to fight anymore. But things can’t be exactly how they were before the knock on my front door.

  “Come here,” he says, pulling me to stand up and pressing me against his hard chest. “I fucking hate this, Sabina. Why don’t you come with me? I’ll buy you a ticket right now. Can you take off another week or two?”

  He waits for the last minute to ask me this? “I can’t. My manager is my friend but even she’s not just going to give me another week off.”

  I mean, I could ask and there’s a small chance it will be fine, but do I really want to go with him right now? I haven’t packed or anything. It’s too late. I don’t know. “Maybe I can come to you in a couple of weeks?”