Cowgirl Education: a Camden Ranch Novel

by Jillian Neal

“Pencils make it far more difficult for students like yourself to purchase your papers online and it is my personal belief that you should be able to make mistakes.”

  His eyes landed on hers with that declaration. No. No, no, no. She was not a mistake. They were not a mistake. This was not over. The devastation that weighted his entire body cut through her like a frozen dagger.

  “Holly, what is wrong?” Beth was more audible this time. Dec pretended not to notice. He moved back to the front. Whatever he was saying, Holly had no hope of making out the words. They drowned in the nauseous pit that had once been her stomach. Discreetly fishing her phone out of her purse, it took her less than five minutes to locate the University policies page on the college website.

  The words, “If any inappropriate relationship develops with a current student and is reported, the University retains the right to withdraw the student, deny stipend payments, scholarships, or any other financial aid, and withhold all funding to either professor or student. . . ,” levied another blow to her soul. Her parents could more than afford to send her to school without her stipend, but she was an adult and would never ask them for that. Besides, they already helped her out with books and groceries. Being expelled from a university meant she would likely never be able to attend another college.

  Making no attempts at being discreet, Beth leaned over the arm of her own desk to see the screen of Holly’s phone. It took her less than two full seconds to realize what was going on.

  “He’s. . . ?” Her eyes were the size of dinner plates.

  Holly managed a nod.

  “Oh my God.”

  Another nod.

  At some point class ended. Holly couldn’t decide if it had lasted five minutes or five hours. Nothing made sense to her. Time was oddly variable. Had Dec talked the entire time? Beth elbowed her when half of the lecture hall had emptied. “What are you going to do?”

  Unable to formulate coherent sentences, Holly stood and forced her feet to move towards him. He was packing up his laptop and doing a damn good job of ignoring her completely.

  “Dec. . . .” she choked.

  He lifted his head. His eyes were almost black in their pleading desperation. She noted a slight shake of his head.

  “It’s Dr. St. James. If you have any questions about class that can’t be found in the syllabus, see one of the department assistants.” With that, he grabbed his bag and left her rooted to the carpeted flooring.

  “Damn.” Beth reached to steady Holly, who hadn’t yet figured out why the world was shaking. “Guess you know where he stands on breaking University ethics codes.”

  Doubling down on her refusal to cry, Holly shook her head. “No. This isn’t over.” With that, she marched out of the room. She’d think of something. There had to be a way to make this work.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The agony in Holly’s beautiful eyes would remain forever burned in Dec’s mind. He’d dismissed her. He’d sent away what was probably the love of his life. One never recovered from that. His heart that she’d so recently begun to stitch back together shattered into a million irreparable pieces.

  He sat at his newly minted desk in a third-floor office in the Psychological Sciences building and pulled up her student information. Invasion of privacy, hell yeah, but she was all he could think about, and he didn’t have another class to teach for fifteen more minutes. He needed something to do lest he drive in loops around campus seeking the dealers that inevitably lurked nearby.

  Two of his students smelled distinctly of pot. There had to be something stronger somewhere.

  Her student ID photo appeared on his screen. Dear God, she’s only twenty-three. His brilliant cowgirl had completed her Masters in under two years. He was ten years older than her. What the hell had he been thinking? How had he not known that?

  A sleek, black truck with no tag circled the student parking lot again, driving entirely too slowly. Tell-tale sign of a dealer if ever there was one. The weight of all he’d lost magnified the intensity of his cravings ten-fold with every breath he managed.

  He had his wallet in his hand a half second later. Dammit. He had no cash. Of course, this was the very reason he never carried any cash. When he’d started making more money than he knew what to do with after he’d graduated, he’d carefully fixed it so he bought everything on a credit card and paid the bill at the end of the month. Dealers did not accept credit that didn’t come in the form of sex.

  His hands shook badly enough to remind him of his walk into rehab.

  You know you’re fighting a losing battle. Be easier to give in now. That truck’s nice. Bet he’s got good stuff.

  No. Whatever was going to happen, he had to fight harder. Matt was coming for a session at five. Matt needed him to be clean. He had to do something. His cell phone dropped from his hands to his desk. Steadying his grip, he picked it up and touched Kade’s name.

  “Hey, man, was just about to call you. Got a potential gig tomorrow night. Some bar in Omaha. Be a drive, but it’s good money.”

  “No.”

  Kade’s tone changed instantly. “Dec? What’s wrong?”

  “Can you come to the campus and pick me up at 6:00? I’m. . .I don’t need to be in charge of where I drive.”

  “You high?”

  “No. But that’s a distinct possibility.”

  “Ah, hell, Dec you know better. Never campus. Campuses are not a good idea.”

  “Yeah, I fucking know that, but I had no choice. Long fucked up story of my fucking life.”

  “Got it. How ‘bout I head that way now?”

  “I have to teach a fucking class.”

  “What?”

  “I’ll explain later.”

  “Look there. That was one sentence with an f-bomb. You can do this, whatever it is. I’ll be there soon. Where am I coming exactly?”

  “Psychology Sciences building. I have no fucking clue where it is exactly. I could barely see when I drove in.”

  “I’ll find you. No parking lots, okay?”

  “Yeah. I know.”

  Four hours later, Kade was pacing in Dec’s living room. Dec’s head was in his hands and he hated life hard. “I cannot even put into words how much I already love her. Love her like she makes the cravings weaker than they’ve ever been. Love her like I would gladly lay down my life to keep her safe. I sleep, Kade. I bloody fucking sleep when she’s in my arms. You of all people have to understand what that means.”

  “I do, Dec. You bought her four coffee makers.” He gestured to the boxes lining the kitchen counters. “You not only love her, you love her to excess, and I still see no reason why you two can’t see each other on the sly. Who the hell would find out? Who even cares? She may be young, but she’s legal. It ain’t anyone’s business but the two of you. You didn’t even want this job. Fuck Gibbons. This entire thing is ridiculous. You said she has a 4.0. She probably doesn’t even need your class. It’s rules like this that were made to be broken.”

  “I will not ruin her life. She deserves better anyway. Just don’t let me do anything stupid.”

  “I’m not going anywhere. You want me to find another meeting?”

  “No, I can’t be around anymore people. Not now. Maybe not ever. How fucking long do I have to be punished for Evie? I’m just damned forever, I suppose.”

  “You’re not damned, and for the thousandth time, what happened to Evie wasn’t your fault. Was it shitty? Hell yeah. But she did that all on her own. It wasn’t the bad hash that did her in. It was the 500mg of Smack she shot up before you ever got there.”

  “Have you ever been crazy in love with someone you were just forbidden to see?” Dec didn’t care for rationalizations. He wanted to feel sorry for himself. The most dangerous way for an addict to ever feel.

  “Okay, I know this is rough, man, but are you seriously asking me that? I got kicked out of my house when I was fifteen just for the idea of loving someone forbidden.”

  “Sorry.” Yeah, he was an asshol
e of epic proportions.

  The front door shook under the force of a knock. Kade’s eyes goggled. “Tell me you do not have anything in this house, and if you do, tell me where it is so I can flush it.”

  Dec rolled his eyes. “There is nothing here. That’s why you’re here, so nothing gets here. It’s not the cops. Just send whoever it is away.”

  Holly pounded on Dec’s front door with enough vigor to break the damn thing down. She’d peeked in the garages. His SUV and bike were here. There was an old Camaro she didn’t recognize in the driveway, too. He had to be inside and they were going to talk.

  She raised her fist to pound again when the door swung open.

  “Kade, what are you doing here?”

  “Holly, thank God. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

  Dec appeared. If she’d thought he looked haggard and raw the night he finally told her his story, it was nothing compared to the anguish that marred his face that night. “Holly, baby, you can’t be here. Please tell me no one saw you drive up.”

  Narrowing her eyes, she stepped inside, pushing Kade out of her way. “I’ll take it from here, Kade.”

  “I’m all about you stepping in and talking some sense into him, sweet thang, but have you ever dealt with him when he’s itching bad for a fix?”

  “No, I haven’t, but I’ll learn to deal. Have you ever slept with him?”

  Kade’s laughter further bolstered her courage. “All I’m saying, man, is she’s worth breaking a few stupid rules for.”

  “We, we are worth breaking a few ridiculous rules for,” Holly corrected.

  “Holly, I will not do anything that will ruin your life or your plans for your life. I won’t. You could lose your stipend. You could get expelled.”

  Mustering every bit of resolve she’d ever hoped to have, she leaned in, gripped the reins, and took the leap. “You are my plans for my life, Dec. You and only you. There I said it. I’m in love with you and I will not let some decree that was written in 1869 decide that I cannot be with the man I love. I won’t.”

  Kade, at least, looked very pleased.

  “I’m not sure you’ve really seen me in full-on cowgirl mode, so stand back.” She marched into the living room, followed by Dec and Kade. Spinning around she met a quick glance shared between the two men. Dec was trying not to grin, so they were getting somewhere.

  With a deep breath she went on with what she’d come to stay. “I spent all afternoon in the library. There have been four instances since the founding of the school, where a professor and a student were dating and it was reported. In two of the cases both were either fired or kicked out.” Dec opened his mouth to speak but she held up her finger to stop him.

  “Both cases took place before 1967. The other one, which took place in the nineties, neither the student nor the teacher were kicked out, but the visiting professor did return to his original job early. Two years ago an acquaintance of mine, Emma Barrett, threw herself at Dr. Singleton because he has an affair with one of his students every single semester. She wanted him caught and kicked out. She actually uploaded their sex tape to the internet, but things didn’t go according to plan. She got kicked out. He was never named because his wife also sits on the board. Therefore, there is no recent precedence to suggest that even if we were caught, which we will not be, that it would be detrimental to either of our goals at the school.”

  “You know, I think she’s got this. I’m gonna go. If either of you need me, call me.” Kade grabbed Holly’s cell phone out of the front pocket of her purse and entered his contact information before he made his way back to the door.

  “Holly, honey, believe me, if there was any way we could ensure that we wouldn’t get caught I would be all over it, but there’s a lot more at stake here than you realize.”

  With her frustration rising like a thermometer in a pot of boiling water, Holly ground her teeth. “What don’t I understand then?”

  “If we continue to see each other and were to get caught, I would not only lose the professorship, which I don’t even want nor did I ask for, I would also lose my job at Lifespan. My boss despises me. He’s been looking for a reason to sack me since I was hired. The job at Lifespan is what my work visa is tied to. If I lose my job, sweetheart, I have to go back to the UK and never return.”

  “What?”

  “On top of all of that, I will not let you be reckless with your life.”

  “I like reckless.”

  He shook his head. “Does it bother you at all that I am thirty-three and you are twenty-three.”

  “No. Well, I mean I didn’t know that, but it doesn’t bother me. Am I going to get lectured about being too young, too?”

  Dec’s eyes closed in what Holly sincerely hoped was defeat. “I would never blame you for your lack of age or experience, sweetheart. What kind of asshole would I be if I held indefensible things against you? You have your entire life ahead of you. Just forget about me. I’m not worth any of this.”

  “No.” Defiance lit through her. “No, I will not forget about this or you ever. We won’t get caught. How would we? We’re not stupid. No flirting on or near campus. No going out together. It’s only for one semester.”

  “You don’t know that. I have no idea what I’ll be teaching next semester, and do you really want to be in a relationship where I can’t even be seen with you?”

  “I’m standing here looking at you right now.”

  “Yes, but you shouldn’t be.”

  “You don’t believe that.”

  “No, I don’t, but this seems to be how I’m destined to live my life. With everything that makes it worth living out of my reach.”

  “I’m not out of reach,” her voice strangled over everything that had happened, everything she felt slipping through her fingers. “I’m not a mistake, Dec.” She just wasn’t strong enough. Tears burned brutal paths down her cheeks.

  “Sweetheart, no. Please don’t cry.” As soon as his arms were around her, the incoming doubts fled again. She knew this was worth fighting for. She knew he was her future. “You are never a mistake. I am the mistake. I will always be a mistake. That’s what I meant when I said that.”

  “But you’re not. We’re not a mistake. Just please don’t push me away. I need you.”

  He planted a kiss on top of her head and she forced herself to lift her head from his chest. She knew he wasn’t convinced. He was placating to keep her from crying.

  “I need you to be my future, Dec. I don’t care if it’s only been a week. I’ve never felt like this with anyone else and I never will. Never. And I need you more than you even know. More than I’ve told you. It’s more than just being in love with you.

  “I can’t even look my own father in the eye and tell him I’m going to be a sex therapist. I don’t have any idea how to do what it is I’ve thrown myself into doing. I have so many questions. There are so many things I don’t understand. Things about myself. Things about the way you make me feel. Fantasies I want you to fulfill. The things I long for you to do to me and with me. Please, please don’t let some stupid rule keep us apart. It isn’t fair. I need you. You may not believe this now, but someday I’ll show you, you are my future. I know it. And you know what else, if we do get caught and everything blows up around us, I’ll go to back to London with you. That is how much I believe in us.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Dec could have told her she wasn’t thinking straight or that she was being overly emotional. Hell, he could have told her she just wasn’t old enough to have the cynicism required to understand why this was a terrible idea, why he was a terrible idea. But he couldn’t access any of those words. He couldn’t lie to her, and somewhere deep in the recesses of his soul, he knew she was right. It had taken every ounce of strength housed in his ample musculature to rebuke her earlier in the day. He couldn’t do it again. He just didn’t have the strength. His heart, which he’d noted seemed to have returned to its cage as soon as she was back in his arms, wouldn
’t allow it.

  Her tears pierced his skin like jagged blades, yet suddenly he could breathe. Every tremble of her body shook his soul, yet he felt whole for the first time since early that morning. And the burning craving that slithered constantly beneath his skin, resided in defeat. The demons recognized their warden. He would never allow her to go to London with him for any reason. There were far too many crypts in London where he might fall. Together, they would make this work.

  “When I was in rehab, one of my counselors used to say that life is just like walking a tightrope. You can run across it or you can take it slowly, calculating each step. The only thing you can’t do is stand still. We don’t have to stand still, but I need you to understand that I cannot go back to London for so many reasons, but the number one reason is that I cannot be that far away from you. No flirting in class just because it would be fun. We take no chances. None at all. I cannot lose you, Holly.” She shuddered against him and he held her tighter. “By the way, I love you, too.”

  “Promise?” she managed in a timid squeak.

  Smiling was such an odd feeling given his day, but a broad grin spread the width of his face. “Promise. And I really like your cowgirl side. I’d like to see a lot more of that.”

  “That can definitely be arranged.”

  “I was hoping.”

  “We have to have some rules, if you’re sure you want to do this.”

  “I doubt everything in my life, Dec. I always have. I second guess things. Should I give up on getting my doctorate and go back to the ranch because so much of me is in that land? Should I sell my portion of the ranch to my family and move here permanently? Once I graduate and get a job, I won’t be able to work the ranch anymore, and that kills me. I never want to leave the ranch, but I want to be a therapist. I have no idea what I want to do moment to moment, but I swear to you I have not one single doubt about you and me.”

  Every word washed over him in a healing tide, mending his battered soul, suturing his heart, curing him. The moment two orderlies who’d been almost a foot shorter than him had to help him walk into that rehab facility sizzled up his spine. A mix of spite and grit surged through his veins. He would fight. He would be everything she needed him to be. He wouldn’t let the world take her from him. No more. He owed it to her. He owed it to himself to be happy. He had to stop existing in Evie’s tomb. Whether he’d put her there or not, he was still here, alive, and she wasn’t. It was time to stop merely existing and really live, and his redemption was staring up at him with tear-stained eyes, holding out her hand, ready to carry him back to the land of the living. All he had to do was reach out for her.