Take Me As I Am

by JM Dragon

  As Joanna left the apartment, Thea considered her last words. “I wish I did have you. I really do.”

  †

  Thea listened as a DJ on one of Nashville’s music stations was raving about Joanna and her successful tour and deservedly so. Joanna was returning home that night after being away for eleven weeks and four days. Yeah, she was counting even the hours. How pathetic was she? She originally hoped to go with Joanna but with the entourage of a make-up artist and a personal assistant, her going along wasn’t in the budget.

  After preparing one of the dishes that Joanna always enthused about, she waited anxiously for her return and the special night she hoped they would have together. Thea had missed Joanna’s presence and the calls between them hadn’t eased the loneliness she felt. Soon, very soon, Joanna would be coming through the door.

  The phone rang and she practically ran to it expecting it to be Joanna. For a moment, she wondered why she was using the house phone and when she answered, disappointment filled her heart.

  “Hi, Calum. No, I’m busy. Joanna’s home tonight so I can’t make it. How about I see you the day after tomorrow? You could come around for dinner. Yeah that sounds great, I’ll see you then. Hey, take care on Rouser. I want you in one piece.”

  It was strange. She should be flattered that a young handsome man was courting her, but all she felt for him was friendship—a deep friendship—certainly nothing more. He had tried to kiss her a few times. In the end she had said friendship was all she had to offer and he had accepted that. They had been out on numerous occasions since Joanna had gone on tour and Alice had been envious. Thea thought that Alice was actually better suited for Calum. Who knew where Cupid’s arrow would strike? Maybe she should do some matchmaking.

  As she checked the roast, the door to the apartment opened and Thea’s heart suddenly constricted as she hurried to see her friend. “Joanna, it’s great to see you.” Rushing forward, Thea flung her arms around the taller woman.

  Jo laughed. “Love you, too, Thea. Now will you please stop strangling me?”

  Thea’s heart jumped at the expression and then settled as she scanned the woman before her. She looks tired and in need of a good rest.

  She looks thin too. Don’t they feed her on tour?

  “Want to take a nap and then have dinner?”

  “Love to, Thea, but I have another engagement.”

  “Where shall I dispose of your luggage, Jo?”

  A tall figure, taller than Joanna, appeared at the doorway clutching several bags.

  “Hey, Lee, come on in and I’ll show you. First you need to meet my best buddy and manager, Thea.”

  The man with gentle gray eyes and a friendly expression smiled. “Hello, Thea. I’ve heard a great deal about you.”

  “Really? I haven’t heard anything about you,” Thea said acerbically.

  “Hey, Thea, I told you about him remember? He’s the love of my life.” Joanna looked at her sheepishly. “So much so, we’re engaged.”

  Silence filled the small area in front of the door. “Oh, that love of your life.”

  “Absolutely. Thea. So how’s the stud in leather?”

  “I told you that Calum was nothing more than a friend.” Thea tried to gather her chaotic thoughts. “Congratulations to you both. When did this happen?” Her heart was breaking into a million pieces.

  “Jo accepted my proposal two nights ago in Seattle. It was a surprise for us both,” Lee said, smiling.

  “I wish you well.” Thea had to get out of the apartment and her eyes darted to the still open door.

  “Thanks,” Lee said.

  “I’m going out. Dinner is in the oven if you want it. If not, I’ll give it to the dog later.”

  “Can’t we celebrate later?” Joanna asked in a pleading tone.

  “Sure, but don’t wait up for me. I might be out all night. Good evening to you both and congratulations, again.”

  Thea grabbed her coat from the closet, dashing as quickly as she could out of the apartment. Her body, drained of any energy, yet refused to stop for she was running as fast as she could away from the heartache. Joanna engaged. How could that be?

  She never mentioned it yesterday when they spoke. Thea had thought she and Lee were friends.

  †

  Jo saw the devastated look on Thea’s face and knew she was responsible. Why had she blurted out her engagement in such a horrible way? She had planned to tell Thea when they were alone. Thea was her only true friend and she thought she would understand. The hurt look on the beautiful face haunted her along with the comment about feeding the meal to the dog.

  I really fucked it up this time.

  Jo felt herself battling with her heart again. When she was on tour and away from Thea, she could do her own thing and think nothing of the consequences. With Thea in her midst, she felt that the attachment that had called to her originally now drew her like a spider’s web.

  I don’t know if I can fix this. I’ve never seen her like that not even when she had to face George Andrews.

  Deep down Jo knew her own heart was breaking and that was devastating to her.

  Jo looked at Lee. “Do you want to eat here or go somewhere?”

  “You have a dog?”

  “Yeah. It’s called a trashcan.”

  †

  Alice sat at the kitchen table as Thea stood at the sink rinsing dishes.

  “I think you should talk to her and let her know how you feel. It’s been three weeks and she has her first television appearance tomorrow to promote the release of her record. You’re part of that, Thea, and belong there.”

  Alice had been watching the gradual deterioration of her friend’s mood since Joanna had arrived back home after her tour. The shocking announcement of her engagement to some businessman from New York had shaken her friend deeply.

  Thea turned her anguished green eyes toward Alice. “I wish that were the truth but it isn’t.” She shrugged. “I’ve done nothing but sponge off Joanna ever since we got here. I need to get my act together and find a job.”

  Thea shook her head and swiped at an errant tear. “I tried to get a job but Joanna told me I should just enjoy seeing the sights and take a break from working.”

  “But you take care of the apartment and do all the cooking and laundry so Joanna can focus on her singing,” Alice countered. “Besides, aren’t you her manager? That certainly is a job.”

  “I’m not so sure about that. Joanna is gone all day at the studio, at venues, or out on the town with her new fiancé. She doesn’t tell me about what’s going on with Jack so I don’t think I am her manager anymore.”

  “If she doesn’t know how you feel, Thea, then she can’t change anything.”

  “It won’t matter. That man has all the right attributes making him the best possible choice for her. He appears to love her so what more can I ask for?” Thea turned to the sink.

  “Are you going to sit around and mope or get off your butt and see to it that Joanna knows you’re part of the team too?” Alice rolled her eyes. “She’s too busy with the new career and her engagement to see that she is leaving you behind. It’s up to you to show Joanna that for the moment, at least, you are part of her life. What the future holds for you will work out the way it should. Joanna will never abandon you.” Alice gave her a sympathetic look. “All you need to look at is the way she acts around you, Thea. It is abundantly evident to everyone watching her with you.”

  “I’m not so sure of that, Alice.” She took a seat across from her friend. “Right now it hurts so much that I can’t risk any more pain to my heart.”

  Alice let out an exasperated sigh. “You know that in this town, managers are a dime a dozen and most would have snapped up the offer to represent her, Thea. Joanna is sharp as a razor and doesn’t miss a trick and she chose you above all the rest. That should speak volumes to you.”

  From what Alice had heard from several people she knew at the recording studio, Thea had amazed Jack and he hel
d her in the deepest of respect.

  “She doesn’t have time for me to be around now, Alice. Her life is going a totally different direction than mine.”

  “You can go along right with her. You’re her manager.”

  “Joanna is big news now. She will want a more experienced manager.” Thea hung her head in what looked like defeat. “It was only a temporary situation. I expect any day now for her to come home and announce that she has replaced me.”

  “That’s ridiculous…”

  The door opened, followed by a knapsack deposited on the floor before weary sounding steps came toward the kitchen. It wasn’t long before the kitchen door opened and the dark familiar head popped around and gave them both a tired, slow grin.

  “Hey, what are you two planning?” Jo came into the small kitchen.

  “You know us, Jo, we’re working on a couple of projects.”

  “Really, anything I can help with?”

  “Well, as it happens…”

  Thea gave Alice a sharp glare. “No. Nothing that you need to worry about, Joanna. Have you eaten?”

  “Not today. Maybe not for two days. It’s been kinda hectic. Jack said to go home and get some sleep once the television shoot is done since I might not get the chance of a peaceful six hours for some time to come.”

  Thea stood and walked to the fridge, pulled out a bottle of Joanna’s favorite beer, and handed it to her.

  “Thanks, you always know what I need.” Joanna gave her a sleepy smile.

  “After today your fridge will probably be filled with champagne,” Thea said sarcastically.

  “Well, I have to study,” Alice said. “I have my finals next month and unless I buckle down, I’ll be taking the semester again. I wouldn’t care for that. Good luck with the show tomorrow, Jo. Thea, I’ll catch up later okay. Think about what I said.”

  “Yeah, thanks.”

  †

  “What’d she say?” Jo asked.

  “Nothing that you’d care about.” Thea took out a loaf of bread. “Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

  “If it’s not too much trouble.”

  Jo heard the inflection and hurt in Thea’s voice, knowing she was the cause. The depression swirling around Thea ever since Jo had returned from tour broke her heart. At that moment, she was too tired to ponder how to make it right. Jo knew she owed her friend a decent explanation of the engagement and her reasons for accepting. She also needed to hear how she imagined Thea being a part of her life. It hadn’t happened yet—she was just too damn busy. There was plenty of time. Thea was her manager, after all, and that was something she really needed to talk with her about.

  †

  Just as Alice was closing the door to the apartment, the elevator door opened and Calum walked out. As always, he was dressed in beautiful leather that made him look like he was modeling it for a fashion show. It looked so good on him. If only he were interested in her. She could dream, couldn’t she?

  “Hi, Calum. What brings you to this part of town on this lovely evening?”

  “Hey, Alice. I just thought I’d see if my girl wants to go look at the sunset. She’s been kinda down lately so I thought it might help.”

  Sometimes you meet people and you wish with every essence of your being that they would be saying things to you but they never did. Alice knew in her heart that Thea didn’t appreciate Calum. Thea considered him a friend and her obsession with Jo might shed light on that if she were to ponder it more.

  “How would it be if I invited you for coffee for say an hour and then you go see Thea? Jo’s just arrived home and they are discussing stuff.”

  It wasn’t exactly true. Alice didn’t know if they were or not but at least she would give them a chance and she knew they both needed that.

  “Sure. I can understand that, with Thea being Jo’s manager and all. Makes me wonder why Thea doesn’t spend more time with her though. I thought that’s what managers did.”

  “Me too, but I think this may be a little different. Come on, we can walk. I’m the next floor up.”

  “Lead the way.”

  †

  Jo watched Thea whiz around the kitchen and within twenty minutes, she was enjoying a wonderful omelet with a side salad and fries. As she munched on the fries and enjoyed her first forkful of omelet, Thea sat opposite her with a glass of soda in hand.

  “I guess you ate earlier?” Jo spooned in another forkful of the delicious mixed omelet.

  “I had a heavy lunch.”

  “This is delicious. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started eating.” Joanna polished off the remains of her meal and placed a hand over her stomach, smiling in satisfaction. “Thanks for the meal, Thea. I enjoyed it.”

  “Anytime, you know that. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

  Jo eyed Thea. Had she taken her for granted, making her feel like she was nothing more than the hired help? “You’re more than that. You know that, right?”

  “Sure thing.” Thea looked away. “I can see you’re tired. Go put your feet up on the sofa and watch a little television. It will do you good.”

  “Okay.” She reached out and took Thea’s hand. “Come with me and we can talk.”

  Jo watched the sad expression on Thea’s face. Whatever it was that was happening between them needed to be resolved. Perhaps they could solve it now and start fresh. Tomorrow her life was going to take on a different direction.

  †

  When Joanna stood and stretched her lean, tall body, Thea had to stop herself from sighing at the sight. No matter what, Joanna would always be a welcome sight to her. Thea had missed that. The rare occasions that Joanna was there, she would settle on the sofa and fall asleep. That’s what had been missing all these lonely weeks—Joanna’s presence.

  “I can do that. Want another beer?” Thea’s heart tumbled as she met the blue eyes of her friend. This was what she had been yearning for—a small measure of contact. She didn’t want much, just a little part of Joanna’s time. This could be the last time. The thought made her heart break. All hell might break loose after today and she doubted they would get the chance to just sit and relax as they used to.

  “Sure.”

  An hour later, they talked about the television show along with what Jack planned for Joanna next. Thea had agreed and given her opinion on a few of the things. The odd comment was news to her but generally, she knew of Jack’s plans. She, after all, had agreed to them on behalf of Joanna.

  A silence descended for a few moments and then Jo cleared her voice.

  “We never did get the chance to talk about my engagement, Thea, and what it means.”

  Thea closed her eyes, steeling herself for what was to come next. Fear and sorrow gripped her heart. “No, we haven’t. I guess we have both been too busy.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Joanna looked at her bottle of beer then smiled.

  “Are you happy, Joanna?”

  “I guess so. I wouldn’t have said yes otherwise.” She drank the last of the beer and put the bottle down on the coffee table.

  That wasn’t a definite yes. It was more of a sure, anything goes kind of statement that her friend often made. “That’s all that matters and I’m happy for you. When’s the wedding?”

  Joanna laughed loudly and sat up on the sofa. “God only knows. I doubt this year if everything goes according to plan. I’m going to be touring for a year at least.”

  Thea’s eyes flashed at the statement. Jack hadn’t indicated anything of the sort in their discussions. “Really? I must have missed something in my discussions with Jack.”

  Joanna stood and stretched again. Thea watched her realizing that it was becoming too much of a burden to watch Joanna and know she could never be hers.

  “It wasn’t Jack’s idea, it was mine.” She walked to the apartment window, smiling.

  “Why?”

  Joanna turned toward her friend. “Because that’s what it will take to make the big time and I’m going t
o make it this time, Thea. I know it, but I have to work for it.” She looked out the window again. “Maybe my wish will come true and I’ll finally get an apartment with a decent view. Overlooking a body of water sounds nice, don’t you think?”

  Thea rushed to the window and stood next to Joanna. She placed a gentle but insistent hand on her arm and blue eyes looked down at her hand.

  Joanna moved, placed warm friendly arms around Thea, and pulled her closer.

  “You already have made the big time in my eyes,” Thea whispered.

  “Yep, I know that and when we have that window view of the water everyone will know it as well.”

  Thea closed her eyes at the words. One word in particular we.

  She must have forgotten she was going to share that view with her husband to be.

  For an instant, it didn’t matter. She would bask in the glow of knowing that at this moment in time, Joanna perhaps did mean her.

  †

  Jo looked into the clear innocent face of her friend. Was she still innocent? Jo didn’t know because somewhere along the way, they had gone their own separate ways. She’d lost the connection that had made all the difference in her life since they’d met. She guessed it was a natural progression. Was it? Then why did she feel so hollow. Jo’s goal was to succeed in country music and that dedication kept her from nourishing their friendship, as she should have. She didn’t have an idea as to what Thea really wanted to do with her life because she never asked.

  Normally, she wasn’t much for personal contact but whenever she and Thea had any contact, it was good. It made her feel warm inside and she’d never had understood why she just accepted it as a part of their friendship. It was good to have a best friend and she felt that this woman in her arms was that, even if her way of acknowledging that to Thea was minimal.

  Jo captured Thea’s glance and stared into her eyes. She was drowning, mesmerized by the mellow conversation and the feeling of togetherness. It was so right and for a moment the puzzle pieces fell into place for her until the shrill sound of the doorbell broke the spell.

  Jo felt bereft but managed to smile and released her hold on the smaller woman.

  “Who can that be? I’m not expecting anyone this evening and don’t want any other company,” Thea said with a touch of anger.