The Damn Fool

by George Eliot

cannot be secure, no matter what the company claims.

  Again, please investigate my idea and never, never, never let Lance know I

  communicated with you about it.

  Sincerely,

  Toni Conners

  She stared at the blank computer screen. "You are a damn fool, Lance Sayer �

  just like Buddy says. That woman left you for another man and broke your heart.

  Now she wants you back for your money, Lance � for your money. Once she lines

  her pockets, she'll leave you again. Can't you see that? It's all in my novel.

  Maybe I should let you read it."

  Toni's face brightened. She opened Microsoft Word and loaded the novel. The

  names and setting are different, Lance, she thought, but the story is about you

  and me. She grinned as she read the working title,The Dumb Computer Nerd ,

  deleted it and typed inThe Damn Fool .

  Toni dutifully prepared a bedroom for Zelda and then spent several hours going

  through her wardrobe, selecting the outfits she thought Lance would find most

  attractive. She placed on her bed a frilly pink dress and polished her only pair

  of high heel shoes. She panicked when she could find no hose and made a quick

  trip to the pharmacy to rectify the problem.

  After soaking in the WhirlPool, she put on her underwear and hose and applied

  mascara, pancake makeup and bright red lipstick. She carefully slipped on the

  dress, pried her feet into the high heels and looked at herself in the

  full-length mirror attached to her closet door.

  She burst out laughing, stripped off the clothes and replaced them with jeans, a

  golf shirt and her comfortable sneakers. She hurried to the bathroom and

  scrubbed her face until all traces of the makeup were gone. "What you see, Mr.

  Sayer," she said to the bathroom mirror, "is what you get."

  Toni downed a peanut butter sandwich for supper, brushed her teeth and checked

  email one final time. The little envelope icon in the bottom right of her screen

  popped on.

  Dear Miss Conners,

  Of course, I remember you. How could I forget such a lovely lady? (Please

  don't tell Lance I said that.) I'm afraid Lance is correct about your idea.

  PC's will work as file servers, but they have definite limitations as he

  probably explained. However, yesterday IBM introduced their most powerful PC

  yet � actually designed as a powerful business machine. Reportedly, it has

  the new Intel 400 megahertz Pentium 64 bit processor with a 40 gigabyte, 5

  level hard disk. I have been itching to test one of these marvels and your

  suggestion gives me the excuse for which I have been looking. I ordered the

  computer today, but it may take as long as two weeks for delivery. I'll test

  it just as soon as humanly possible.

  Regards,

  Sean

  It might work, Toni told herself repeatedly as she drove towards Greensboro and

  the Piedmont Triad airport. I have no idea what Sean was talking about, but he

  seems to think there is at least a chance the new IBM PC will work.

  She paced beside the tarmac nervously and ground her teeth together as she

  watched Lance, with the redhead on his arm, disembark from the gigantic jet. She

  tried to be polite when Lance introduced Zelda, who clung fiercely to his arm

  and looked like a bimbo right off the Internet sex site Toni once accidentally

  discovered.

  "Honey, I'm a little under the weather," Zelda said to Toni. "Be a dear and

  fetch our luggage while Lance helps me to the car."

  Chapter Nine

  "Why so glum, chum?" Buddy asked as he mopped perspiration from his face. "You

  ain't said nothin' since we got here this mornin'."

  Toni knelt, pulled a tangle of white pine seedlings from a burlap bag and began

  to separate them.

  "Glad we got an early start. It's powerful hot already. Wanta go skinny-dippin'?

  August ain't a good time fer plantin' trees noway."

  She ignored him and continued with her task.

  "Reckon you're right. We got these left over. May as well put 'em in the ground

  and see what they'll do." He drove the spade into the earth and opened another

  hole. "Used to go skinny-dippin' when we was younguns. Remember?"

  She nodded without looking up.

  "Remember that big ol' weepin' willow beside the dam? I'd grab a fistful of them

  branches, get a runnin' start and swing way out over the water in front of the

  dam. Me, Tarzan � you, Jane." He laughed and slapped her lightly on the

  shoulder. "You done it too."

  She nodded again.

  "What was we � five or six?" He chuckled. "Whatever we was, I was too young to

  know about boys and girls. I don't even remember what you looked like in your

  birthday suit."

  She shoved a seedling into a hole and pulled the earth around it with her hands.

  "Cheer up, Ugly."

  "What do I have to be cheerful about?" Toni replied as she set a seedling in the

  next hole Buddy prepared.

  "Well, let's see. You're healthy, you have a swanky home to live in, a job that

  pays well and doesn't require a heap of time, a budding career as a writer, and

  me as a friend."

  She shielded her eyes from the August sun as she looked up at him. "That woman

  is driving me nuts."

  "Zelda?"

  Toni nodded and moved to the next hole.

  "She's a sexy little thing, all right � big boobs and a tight little butt that

  sticks way out. I wouldn't kick her out of bed, that's for sure."

  "I wish it were your bed she's wallowing in."

  "You think Lance is doin' it with her?"

  "If he isn't, it's not her fault."

  "I thought you said they have separate bedrooms."

  "Does that stop you and Molly from enjoying each other's company?"

  He stooped and pushed loose dirt around a seedling. "Ain't none of your

  business, Ugly, but me and Molly is just good friends, like me and you."

  "You're right," she said as she duck-walked to the next hole, "it isn't any of

  my business."

  "Didn't you tell me Lance filed for divorce the day after he came back from

  Florida?"

  "He says he did."

  "Then what's the problem?"

  "Buddy, he's bought her more clothes than she can wear in a lifetime � jewelry

  too. He does everything she tells him. He even makes me carry breakfast to her

  while she's still in bed."

  "He feels sorry for her."

  "Yeah, right. It's not just the way he moons over her that bothers me. She

  treats me like a servant. She never lifts a finger to help around the house. All

  she does is watch TV and eat, and darn it, she never gains an ounce."

  Buddy used his foot to press the loose earth around the last of the seedlings.

  "What are you doing about it?"

  "There's nothing I can do. I clean the house, cook the meals and wash the

  clothes. Would you believe it? She makes me wash her lingerie by hand!"

  "What kind of panties does she wear?"

  "What?"

  He grinned. "Does she wear plain old white bloomers or does she have sexy

  colored stuff?"

  "Men!"

  "Hey, you started it."

  "Red. All red and they're the string bikini type with a strap t
hat runs between

  the butt cheeks."

  "Thongs."

  "You know your underwear, don't you?"

  "Me and the boys have to talk about somthin'."

  "Her bras are sexy too � and huge. I thought she wore padded or push-up bras

  until I started doing her laundry."

  "Tell her to wash her own undies."

  She shook her head. "I did, once. You should have seen the look Lance gave me."

  "You still writin' stuff?"

  "Yeah � when I'm not being the slut's servant. I finished my novel and started

  the sequel. Lance is the prototype for my first effort. I'm making you the hero

  in the second. In fact, I'm just at the point of getting you in bed with a

  pint-sized, redheaded sexpot with huge mammary glands."

  "Well, Ugly, why didn't you tell me? I could have planted this field by myself,"

  he joked.

  She stood and tried to smile. "I need the exercise."

  "Maybe, but you need to exercise your fingers on your 'puter too. Git in the

  truck. I'm taking you home. You're gonna let me read the good parts, ain't you?"

  As the black pickup bounced over the rutted logging road, Buddy said, "Ugly, you

  have any problems with me stepping out with Zelda? I mean in real life, not just

  in your book."

  "Talking about her skimpy undies get to you?" Toni joked.

  "Maybe."

  "You're nuts, Handsome. She won't go out with you. She's after Lance's money."

  "I'm not so sure, Ugly. She's been giving off signals. I think she digs me a

  little."

  "You're out of your league, Buddy � just like me."

  "You didn't answer my question."

  She touched his thigh and looked tenderly into his eyes. "Go for it, Handsome,

  but don't let her hurt you. If she turns her nose up at you, it's her loss � not

  yours."

  "Don't worry about me, Ugly. I'm tough as nails. You know that."

  She grinned. "You're a dad-gum pussycat, that's what you are, Buddy Mabe."

  "Tomcat, Ugly. Tomcat."

  Lance was heading for his Taurus as Buddy parked the pickup in the clearing. "I

  have to make a run to Flint's Grocery," Lance shouted to Toni. "Zelda's out of

  Coors and you know she doesn't like our Buds."

  "She has a driver's license. Why doesn't she go for the beer herself?" Toni

  asked sarcastically.

  Lance laughed. "I don't want her driving my car, and besides, she's watching a

  tearjerker on TV."

  "Lance," Buddy said, "I need to see you for just a minute if you've got the

  time."

  "Sure Buddy."

  Both men watched Toni march to the cabin.

  "First, I want to thank you again for letting me show off the log cabin. I

  snagged me a couple of jobs off it."

  "That's great, Buddy."

  "Yeah. They've cut roads all over Pope Mountain between Flint's Grocery and

  Hanging Rock. They're selling lots for summer homes. A couple of rich dudes from

  Winston have contracted with me to build A frame log cabins. That'll keep me and

  the boys busy right up 'til winter and I reckon we'll get other jobs off of

  that."

  "Buddy, if you need financial backing, I'm afraid I'm about tapped out right

  now. Things are not going well with my software business."

  Buddy nodded. "Toni told me a little about that � sorry, man."

  "Yeah. Me too."

  "Thanks to you, my credit's good now, but there is one other thing."

  Lance cocked his head impatiently.

  "You, uh, gettin' the divorce thing worked out okay?"

  "It's just a matter of time. Why do you ask?"

  "Toni said you might have changed you mind. I wouldn't blame you. Your wife is

  one fine lookin' woman."

  "There's no way I will change my mind, Buddy. Is that it?"

  "No, it ain't. It's kinda weird sayin' this, but I was wonderin' if you'd mind

  me askin' your wife out?"

  Lance stifled his laughter and replied, "I will be delighted to get her out of

  the house occasionally. I haven't enjoyed a moment alone with Toni in well over

  a month and she's treating me like the proverbial read-headed stepchild. I think

  I have some fences to mend."

  "I just didn't want to do anythin' that would yank your chain."

  Lance placed his hands on the big man's shoulders. "Buddy, over the past few

  months we've come to be pretty good friends. I need to warn you about Zelda.

  She's a stuck-up, spoiled brat. First her parents spoiled her, then I did, then

  a long succession of party boys. She can be cruel � very cruel. She's not good

  enough for you."

  Buddy chuckled. "Toni don't think she'll go out with me either, but I gotta give

  it a try."

  Lance slipped behind the steering wheel. "Good luck, my friend."

  Buddy watched Lance drive away and walked slowly to the front door of the cabin.

  He started to knock, but changed his mind. He opened the door and saw Zelda,

  sitting on the sofa with her back to the door, watching the big screen

  television. Even the back of her head is sexy, he thought.

  He took a deep breath and moved between the redhead and the TV.

  "What's wrong with you, Buddy? Move! I can't see the TV."

  He picked up the remote control, clicked off the television and tossed the

  device on the sofa. "Me and you have some business to talk about," he said.

  "You've lost your flipping mind," she hissed.

  "Get your butt over here, woman," he demanded, pointing to a spot on the floor

  directly in front of him.

  "You're crazy," she said.

  "Git," he demanded, still pointing at the floor.

  "I'll scream."

  "Go ahead. Lance ain't here and Toni ain't gonna help you. I ain't gonna tell

  you again, woman."

  She moved to the indicated spot on the floor. "You hurt me and I'll sue."

  "Shut up," he barked as he placed his right hand on her left breast and pulled

  her close. His tongue forced her lips apart and he ground his groin against her.

  Slowly her arms encircled him and tentatively her tongue flicked under his.

  "You ain't never seen my place," he said as he groped her buttocks. "You can

  watch TV there while I take a shower."

  Her eyes locked on his and seconds passed before she replied. "I think I'd

  rather watch you shower."

  Both hands moved under her blouse. "You on the pill?"

  "Tubal ligation."

  "What's that mean?"

  "I won't get pregnant."

  "You have any of them sex diseases, 'cause I got rubbers if they're needed."

  "I'm clean. You?"

  He nodded.

  "You have any Coors at your place?"

  "You'll drink Buds and like it."

  "Yes, sir," she said in mock obedience and moaned as he forced her heavy

  brassiere up and over her heaving breasts and spidered them with his massive

  hands.

  He tugged gently on her swollen nipples and said, "You go tell Toni you won't be

  here for lunch or supper."

  "Will I come back tonight at all?" she panted.

  "Depends on how good you are in bed."

  "Hey, Toni," she screamed. "I'm going out. I'll be back sometime tomorrow."

  Good for you, Buddy, Toni thought. Just watch your step. Her fingers returned to

  the keyboard.

  Lance tossed his keys on the desk. "I can't believe the TV's not on with Z
elda

  slouched in front of it."

  "She took off with Buddy while you were gone," Toni replied, keeping her eyes

  glued to the computer monitor.

  "You're kidding."

  She looked at him and tried to grin. "Said she'd be back sometime tomorrow."

  "Now you're lying," he said. "She'll eat the poor guy alive."

  "That's probably what Buddy is hoping." She shook her head. "I'm sorry, Lance."

  "Sorry?"

  "I know you love her and were entertaining thoughts of continuing the marriage."

  "Where in the world did you get that idea?" he asked as he sat at his desk and

  booted the computer.

  "From you. As concerned as you were about your business, you dropped everything

  � including me � and rushed off to Florida to look after Zelda. You stayed three

  weeks with her down there, spent a fortune on her and brought her home with you.

  Seems clear to me."

  "Toni, we need to talk."

  "Not now, Lance. My creative juices are flowing. Wait until I come to a stopping

  place." She turned back to her computer.

  "Crap!" he shouted as he slammed his hand against the desk.

  She sighed. "What now?"

  "Sean says we're down to fifty clients. Hickory Tree College has installed the

  competition's software and highly praise it as being user friendly." Lance was

  silent for a moment as he read the remainder of the email message. "Sean says he

  needs a programmer in his business. I guess he's offering me a job."

  "Don't give up on your business, Lance, but maybe helping Sean out will make you

  feel better about yourself."

  "And keep the wolf away from my door. He says I'd have to move to Dot or

  Charlotte. He wants his programmer close by."

  "You're not going to starve if you lose all of your clients and don't work

  another day of your life, Lance. Remember that I keep your books now. I know

  your financial situation. Shoot, a normal man can easily live off the earnings

  from your stocks and bonds. Your self-pity makes me nauseous sometimes."

  "That's not my style," he said gloomily.

  "Styles can change."

  "I thought you said you don't want to be interrupted," he said grumpily.

  Toni turned back to her computer, completely lost. She backed up to the

  beginning of the chapter and smiled as she reread the words recently typed. She

  and Lance, now husband and wife, were about to tumble into bed. If I can't have

  Lance in reality, she reasoned, I'll enjoy him in the land of fantasy.

  Three days later a sample chapter of Toni's first novel appeared on the On-line

  Literary Agency web site. Toni wanted to share the news with Lance, but he

  ignored her success with short stories. Why bother? Besides, Lance was back into

  his shell of depression.

  Throughout the remainder of August Lance moped. He spent long hours staring at

  his computer screen. Sometimes he disappeared for hours, walking in the woods or

  driving aimlessly in his Taurus. Occasionally he did not bother to get out of

  bed. Rarely did he and Toni engage in conversation, although they had ample

  opportunity.

  Zelda was spending most of her time with Buddy Mabe.

  On the morning of the first day of September, the depression seemed to lift.

  Lance showered, shaved, dressed presentably and joined Toni for breakfast. For a

  change, Zelda was in her room. They both heard her, but she did not join them

  for breakfast.

  "Well, look who showed up," Toni said, trying to be pleasant as she poured Lance

  a cup of coffee. "Bacon and eggs?" she asked.

  He nodded as he sat at the kitchen table and absently picked up theWinston-Salem

  Journal . "I can't spend the rest of my life as a vegetable," he announced.

  "You don't know how happy I am to hear that. I was worried about you, Lance."

  "Thanks," he said sincerely. "I haven't been much fun to be around, have I?"

  "I've been preoccupied too."

  "I've noticed. You spend as much time on your computer as I used to spend on

  mine."

  She nodded as she spread strips of bacon on a paper towel to drain. "I'm afraid

  you've created a monster. Writing is no longer a hobby for me � it's an

  obsession and it's so much easier using a word processor than when I used to try

  to write on legal pads. How about you? Do you have a new plan?"

  He nodded slowly. "It's not exactly a plan yet � more of a thought that I want

  to investigate."

  "Care to share it?"

  "I will, but not just yet."

  "If there is any way I can help, just holler."