Always in Shadow: A Novella (Never Cry Werewolf)

by Heather Davis

“So the Bridges pack really is your family now,” I said.

  “Yes. My father was Fuzz’s cousin. He’s the only blood relative I’m in contact with now.” She reclined on the bed, her eyes studying the ceiling above us.

  “You would think your mom would want to claim you, you know, with your being famous and all.”

  Eva turned toward me, her eyes misty. “I send her money from time to time. She never acknowledges the gift or me, but she does cash the checks.”

  “My mother died,” I said. “It’s not the same thing, but I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”

  Eva nodded. “Austin told me you live with your father and stepmother.”

  “I don’t know if I can go back to them after this. I mean, what am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, happy new year – by the way, I’m a werewolf’?”

  Eva didn’t smile. “Yes, that might not go well.”

  “What will I say when I do see them someday?” I covered my eyes with a pillow again. “How do I tell them?”

  Eva grabbed my pillow from me and bonked me on the head. “You can never tell them. They will run away.”

  “You never told anyone in the outside world?”

  Eva’s face turned serious. “One person – a boy who liked me when I was in high school. That didn’t end well.”

  “He ran?”

  “No. My father killed him.”

  I gasped and sat up. “What happened?”

  “He threatened to tell the police about me, about my family. My father had no choice,” Eva said, her voice shaking. “I never forgave my father. And then, soon, it was too late to forgive him.”

  “Wolves are haunted by death,” I murmured.

  Eva got up and wandered back to the mirror, holding up yet another silver sequined dress. “You will be lucky if you escape the sadness I have known in this life. Losing your family. Losing outsiders that you love. It’s not all rolling in dewy fields and howling at the golden moon.”

  “I never thought it was.”

  Eva glanced toward me and I saw her cheeks were streaked with tears. “You have to find a way to go to the waterfall. The ancients wolves possessed great magic. If they documented the powers of the mountain water, then it has to be true.”

  I got up from the bed and carried a few of Eva’s dresses back to the rack. “I could follow the map while everyone’s at the concert. All of Muldrazny will be here on the castle grounds. The band, even Boris, will be absorbed with the concert. No one will even miss me.”

  Eva’s voice was soft as she said, “Yes, you must take the chance I never had. If only I had the option – my friend would be alive, my mother would be... different.”

  I didn’t point out that there wasn’t a guarantee those things would have been different if she had turned herself human. I just sat back down and watched Eva try dress after dress from her closet. Her sadness seemed to fade as she pondered what she’d wear for the concert, what her fans would like to see her in. I started to understand why she enjoyed being a pop star. It wasn’t the glamour, the fame – it was that her fans, the strangers that played her music, loved her.

  “I’m going back to my room,” I said, finally bored of the fashion show.

  Eva kissed me on both cheeks. “Remember my promise. I’ll help you no matter what you decide to do.

  I was touched. Eva was truly looking out for me, and I suddenly felt guilty for ever doubting the genuineness of her friendship. It couldn’t be easy for her – not having many people to trust. Despite appearances, her glamorous life seemed awfully lonely.

  Leaving her, I found Boris outside the door in a chair, looking at his phone. “Texting a girlfriend?” I asked him.

  He smirked. “I hear things,” he said. “You are not going to escape Boris.”

  “I’m not trying to escape you!” I turned to march down the hall to my bedroom. “And, instead of trying to spy on me, could you bring me some sausages, please?”

  Boris snorted out a laugh. “I am not butler, little pup. I will ask Cook to bring you meat when she awakens.”

  Stomach grumbling, I shut the door on Boris and his amused smile. I had a lot to think about. The concert would be the perfect time to make a run for the hills.

  I only had to bide my time and try to stay out of trouble until then.

  ***

  Over the next few days, I prepared for my journey into the night. I swiped a flashlight I found in the hall closet. I hid one of Austin’s thick jackets in my room and borrowed a pair of Eva’s boots. I studied the map over and over and then copied it onto paper I could fit into my pocket. I wanted it with me when I trekked toward the waterfall.

  Fuzz’s band Burning Bridges would be taking the stage at six pm, when the full moon would be rising. I’d have to leave the castle by five o’clock. The main thing was to reach the waterfall before I transformed. I could not let myself succumb to the Lycan genes pulsating through my body.

  At night, when I laid my head against the pillow I could almost feel my blood changing, losing the war to the stronger wolf cells that demanded victory. As long as the wolf was in me, I could use her forest skills to my advantage. She would help me sniff out the smell of water, the sound of the falls. She would lead me to her death.

  And then, once I had the cure I sought, I’d never have to deal with her again.

  ***

  The afternoon of the concert, the castle grounds began to fill with people. First, the triple-screened press filed into the outdoor amphitheater that had been cleared of snow and was now appointed with giant heat lamps. Then, the remaining seats began to fill with Muldrazny residents. I was allowed down from my room for a little while to visit with Eva before she went on stage. It was long enough to see familiar faces in the crowds heading toward the concert: the saleswoman from the clothing store, the cashier from the mini-mart, Ivan from the inn. Ivan waved and headed over to our spot on the back stairs near the kitchen.

  I felt a sudden surge of panic, wondering if he was coming over to confront me about the stolen book, but he pulled back his fur-lined hood and smiled at us.

  “Are you excited for the concert?”

  Eva nodded. “Of course.”

  Ivan glanced at me. “And you, C.?”

  “What?” I’d almost forgotten that was my fake nickname.

  “Are you anticipating the concert?”

  “Oh, yeah. Right.”

  “Perhaps we can sit together?”

  Eva’s eyebrows lifted. “I’m certain Shelby will want to watch privately with her boyfriend.”

  “Yes, the English boy,” Ivan said in a gruff tone. “I must join my friends.” Before Ivan walked off, his gaze lingered on me for a few seconds. It was a searching gaze, one that made me feel uncomfortable.

  “He’s cute but he’s got a weird crush,” I whispered to Eva. “He’s been giving me strange looks since I first saw him.”

  ”You’ve got a fan,” Eva said, patting me on the arm.

  “I don’t need any fans,” I said. “I’m not a pop star, remember?”

  Eva batted her false eyelashes at me. “How could I forget?” she said, with a small laugh, but then her expression sobered. “You know... it’s going to be dangerous out there in the dark.”

  “Haven’t you heard the story about me and Austin lost in the dark woods of Oregon? We survived a cougar attack, for goodness sake.”

  Eva gave me an appraising glance. “If you decide not to go, it would be okay. I realized that I shouldn’t have told you all my sad stories. There is no shame in becoming a wolf. And, you never know... maybe there will be a cure soon from Dr. Lyndon.”

  I didn’t quite understand why Eva was having cold feet – or paws – about my trip up the mountain, but seeing the emotion in her eyes, I almost wondered if it was because she wanted me to be like her. “I’m going tonight,” I said. “I’ve already made the decision.”

  Eva’s eyes darkened. “I should pretend to be sick and go with you.”

  “You
can’t cancel the concert. The world is watching.”

  Eva nodded her head slowly. “Shelby, when you first came to Mudrazny, I wasn’t as kind as I could have been. I wasn’t sure about having another female wolf around the castle, but you are different than I expected.”

  “You are too,” I said, giving her a small smile. I realized then that maybe she’d been so distant and hadn’t wanted me around the castle because it made her feel a little less special – a little less sparkly. Finally though, it seemed like she’d figured out I didn’t care about any of that. If anything, I wanted to stay far, far away from the spotlight.

  Monty appeared at the foot of the stairs. “My darling, the pre-show is about to start,” he said, beckoning. “We need you for the live chat. Your fans are waiting.”

  “I’m coming.” Tossing her long dark hair over her shoulder, Eva descended the steps. At the bottom, she gave me a weak smile. A smile that betrayed her worry.

  “We’ll both be fine,” I called down to her. “Break a leg.”

  Monty gave me a weird look and then shepherded Eva off toward the backstage entrance.

  “Time to go to room,” Boris said, suddenly beside me.

  “You know, maybe you could make a little noise instead of sneaking up on people.”

  Boris smiled. “That would ruin fun.” He took me by the arm and led me back side the house. “And now, be good pup and stay out of sight for the show.”

  I’d stay out of sight, all right. He didn’t have to worry about that.

  ***

  From the window of my room, I could see the amphitheater and the stands teeming with people from the village. On the giant stage, lights streamed out onto the crowds and rising above the performance space, a giant marquee sign with Eva’s full name was being hoisted up for a backdrop.

  Once the music started, it would be time to go.

  “I hope you’re not too upset about missing the show.”

  I turned at the sound of Austin’s voice and found him standing near the fireplace.

  “Geez! What is it with everyone sneaking up on me?” I said, exhaling the breath that had caught in my chest.

  “With your hearing that should be impossible. Then again, you’ve been a little distracted,” Austin said. “I have something for you, love.” He held out a bouquet of roses.

  “Aww. That’s so nice!”

  His eyes twinkled as he handed the flowers to me. “It’s a special night. At least, I want it to be special for you. You’re in a safe place for your first moon. The castle is going to be impenetrable. I need to be down at the concert for the next few hours, but Boris will be right outside, should you transform ahead of schedule. He’ll be checking on you every so often.”

  “My wolf wouldn’t wait for the fullest part of the moonrise?”

  “For me, it happened during the rise, not at the moon’s zenith. If you do feel the change beginning, try to remain calm. You’ll be locked inside for safety. Don’t try to get outside. Don’t tear things to bits if you can help it.”

  “I’d do that?”

  He leaned forward and gave me a reassuring kiss on the cheek. “You are going to be a wolf. You’ll do wolf things. It’s perfectly natural.”

  “I’ll want to get out,” I murmured.

  “Yes, but we’ll have to wait until all the people from the concert have left. And then, I’ll change too. We’ll take a run in the woods. I’ll show you what to do.”

  “But you’re on your medication,” I said. “Can you change?”

  “I should have told you sooner,” he said. “I stopped taking the serum ever since I found out you were going to change. If you have to be a wolf, then so will I.”

  “Austin, that’s not right. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He lowered his lips to mine, kissing me slowly. “I’d do anything for you.”

  My heart ached a little hearing him say that. “It’s not going to be forever. I’m not going to be a wolf all of my life.”

  “True, a new serum could help you eventually,” Austin said. “But I have to say, I think your wolf is going to be beautiful. I’m looking forward to being a wolf with you.”

  “You’re actually looking forward to it?”

  “This means we get to be together forever... in whatever form we take. I love you.”

  “You love me?” I felt my heart melt a little more. Suddenly, I pictured the two of us running across a field, howling at the moon together. My change meant that Austin’s loneliness would be over. Maybe mine too, because being with him meant I’d have a pack, a family, a mate for life. If he truly wanted me to be like him, if he didn’t care anymore how it had all come about, then maybe I shouldn’t care either. I could totally abandon my trip up the mountain. I lifted my face to his and kissed his soft lips.

  “Austin?” There was a rap on the door. “Is almost time. Your father calls for you,” Boris said.

  “Right,” Austin called. “Be right down.”

  He kissed me before he left, a kiss that made me want to stay with him forever, to be one with him, wolf or human or whatever. His lips moved from my mouth to my neck and I felt myself melting into him. Would it be so bad to be a wolf if Austin was my mate forever?

  There was another knock on the door, so Austin broke away, but kissed my hands, one by one, before left. “Paws,” he said. “I can’t wait to see them.”

  The door shut and I sat down on the bed, smelling the sweetness of the roses, the lingering scent of Austin. I loved him so much in that moment.

  Then, I heard the faint growl of voices.

  Still in my dreamy state, I walked over to the window and saw the two Bridges men down on the deck near the back door, the distant lights of the concert stage bathing them in a bluish-white glow.

  “How did it go? Did she like the flowers?” Fuzz asked, clapping Austin on the back, the fringe of the rocker’s jacket swaying from the motion.

  “Yes, Father. I think so.”

  “Ah, roses always work! So, she’s looking forward to the change?” There was true delight in Fuzz’s tone.

  “As much as she could be, I suppose,” Austin replied, his voice somber. He raised his head, looking straight into his father’s eyes. “But I don’t like lying to her.”

  My breath caught in my lungs. Lying?

  “Manufacturing enthusiasm isn’t lying exactly,” Fuzz said in a scolding tone. “You’re helping her to accept her reality.”

  I placed my hands on the window sill, steadying myself. It had been too good to be true, Austin’s show of excitement, his gift of roses. It all must have been Fuzz’s idea!

  “Father, she knows what I think of what we are,” Austin said, his chin lifting defiantly. “I’m sure she didn’t believe any of what I told her.”

  “Certainly, she’s heard you speak ill of our kind in the past, but right now, she needs to know that you support her.”

  Austin shrugged from his father’s embracing arm. “I have always supported her.”

  “Not in this, lad. Not by any account.”

  I watched Austin, a pained look in his eyes. And, for the first time, I heard clearly his thoughts – the thought only a mate could hear. How could I support her turning into a monster like me?

  There’s not a sound your heart makes when it breaks. There’s not a scream or a clatter or even a bell. The shattering of a human heart is something that happens in silence. It’s a noiseless implosion with a devastation so complete that you can’t breathe, you can’t think. All you feel is pain.

  I wrenched myself away from the window. And then, with the glow of the moon rising outside my window, I got dressed for my hike.

  Chapter Ten

  THE WOODS were colder than I thought they would be. My fingers shivered as I unfolded the hand-drawn map and held it up to the glow of the flashlight. After easily making my way out the window and down from the roofline to the tall snow drifts, I’d been walking for what felt like at least half an hour. Twilight was falling on the mountai
n.

  My dad had taught me many things on our camping trips in northern Wisconsin: how to use a compass and how to read a map. Oh, how I wished I had a compass with me on the trail to the waterfall! Still, overhead near the rising moon, I saw the North Star, so I was definitely headed in the right direction on the trail. A twist to the east on the trail ahead would be the landmark that meant I had about one mile left before I’d reach the stream that trickled down from the falls. I let out a little sigh of relief, feeling it wasn’t much farther now.

  In the distance, the sounds of the concert reverberated against the frozen hill. I recognized the sounds of Fuzz’s band, the wail of the guitar and the thump-thump of the bass line. It was better I was out here, searching for the fountain, than remaining helpless in the castle, a prisoner to the wolf that was eager to emerge and be rejected by the guy I loved.

  With clumsy fingers, I folded up the map and stuffed it back into the chest pocket of the down jacket and pulled back on my gloves. Even with the Lycan blood coursing through my veins, my fingers were like icicles. But I’d take the chill, at least it meant I was still human, at least for a little while. I closed my eyes for a few seconds, listening and taking in the smells around me. I had only a little way to go. I could do this.

  The bluish glow of the moonlight seemed to be getting stronger, so I pulled my hat down a little lower on my head and zipped up my jacket. I didn’t want any skin exposed to the lunar light, if I could help it. I didn’t know how long I had until the change.

  I trudged along, trying to focus on the rough trail through the bushes and trees. It seemed more like an animal trail, one forged by deer instead of humans. Then again, judging by the ancient origins of the map, it had probably been a long while since anyone had hiked this route. I couldn’t imagine that many werewolves were being created these days. Austin and his pack were careful hunters and they didn’t bite humans – not on purpose, anyway.

  I reached a huge boulder, which forced the path in a sharp turn to the east. I would have squealed for joy, if my teeth weren’t chattering. I forced myself to keep moving. The snow was crunchier here, in that way of flakes that have been melted and refrozen a number of times are, and I was careful with my steps, making sure that I wasn’t going to slip. I was determined to reach the waterfall, but I couldn’t get there if I fell or twisted an ankle. I pushed myself hard, grateful for the cross-country skiing class back at Steinfelder – at least it had built up my stamina.