A Love of Her Own

by Bettye Griffin

  “That’s what I’d expect her to say, all right.”

  “Don’t let her get to you, Ava. She just doesn’t realize how she sounds.”

  “Maybe she doesn’t, but it’s hard sometimes, Maria. I don’t think she realizes how much it hurts.” Ava sighed. “I’m just glad I’m not an only child. Can you imagine what a mess that would be? At least she’s got you and Joy.”

  “And Larry.”

  “Mom probably hears from Larry as much as she hears from me, but he can get away with it because he’s a boy and he’s got Joy to fill in for him.”

  “You know she’s probably not going to take the news about Marcus too well.”

  “I know. She’ll say it’s unhealthy or something like that. But she’s got to know, so I’ll just have to tell her and we’ll both have to deal with it.”

  Ava dreaded the confrontation, but knew it had to be done. It occurred to her that her recent grumpiness and quick temper was related to her bringing her feelings out into the open rather than retreating into herself. It wasn’t as simple as turning off the television if a topic she found unpleasant was being covered. She had to become a part of the world, for it wasn’t just her anymore; there was Marcus…and there was Hilton as well.

  Maybe after she gave her mother the news she would invite everyone over to her place, including the senior Hudsons and Marcus’s cousins. Her brother and sister and their respective spouses had met Hilton at her New Year’s open house, but her mother had not attended, saying it was an event “for the young folks.” Maybe the knowledge that such a handsome, eligible man as Hilton was interested in “poor Ava” would cushion Doris’s almost certain renewed disappointment in Ava’s choice to get even closer to whom Doris regarded as simply some other woman’s child.

  Ava decided that it might be a good idea for her mother to meet the Hudsons and perhaps in the process become more understanding of their plight, and also for Mr. and Mrs. Hudson to meet her mother as well. A barbecue for the two families was a good idea, but there were other, more immediate plans she needed to make as well.

  *****

  “Marcus’s birthday is the eighth of February, just a few weeks from now,” she told Linda. “I wanted to give him a party, but not a traditional one with gifts and stuff.” That would be difficult financially for the Hudsons, and she definitely wanted Marcus’s three young cousins to attend. “I’ll take care of his gifts. He needs new clothes desperately, and I saw an easel I’d like to get him, since he likes to draw. But would you help me supervise? I was going to have his three cousins, plus Max, and my nieces and nephews.”

  “I’d love to help out,” Linda replied, as Ava had expected her to. Linda loved children as much as she did. “Did you want to have the party at your house or somewhere else?”

  “Definitely not at my house. It’s not kid-proof. I’ll have to have it someplace else. I was thinking about the bowling alley, but that’ll be awfully expensive for ten kids. Same with the roller skating rink.”

  “How about Chuck E. Cheese? They’re always putting coupons in the paper for specials on tokens and pizza.”

  “That’s a good idea. And it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about someone falling down and getting hurt like I would at the rink. Besides, Marcus’s cousins are younger than he is, and they might even know how to skate.”

  *****

  Ava drove slowly through the Nile Beach neighborhood that had been her permanent home from birth until the day she was married. Bungalows much like the one her parents had bought in the early years of their marriage lined the street. Some homes had two bedrooms, others three, but all of them were small. The passing years had brought more prosperity to the homeowners, most of whom had made improvements to their property. Additional bedrooms and baths had been added on to some of the houses, but all of them had been upgraded with things like new siding, shutters, awnings, front porches and fresh paint in vibrant colors. The street looked ten times better than it had twenty years before, when Ava used to feel a little self-conscious about living in an area considerably more modest than the affluent neighborhoods that were home to her best friends Vicky and Kendall.

  Since Gordon Maxwell’s death Doris lived alone in the house that now bore maroon siding, and she insisted she never wanted to live anywhere else. She had neighbors dating back nearly forty years and was quite content. It actually worked very well. The house’s small size made for simple maintenance and upkeep, Larry and Joy were nearby, with she and Maria just one town away.

  “Hello there, Ava,” a voice called out as she was getting out of the car.

  “Hi, Mrs. Chambliss. Good to see you.” Her mother’s neighbor from across the street, clad in a green-and-white housedress, was crossing the lawn from the house next door to hers. The two-story brick colonial built by Mrs. Chambliss’ son looked woefully out of place among the less grandiose homes. She could see him wanting to be close to his mother, who suffered from glaucoma, but she hoped he realized that he’d be in for a tough time if he ever decided to sell. Few people would want to invest in a house that was worth so much more than the others in the neighborhood.

  “Your mama will be happy to see you,” the woman said as she made painstakingly slow progress toward her front door, using a three-pronged metal cane to assist her movements.

  Ava punctuated her wave with a smile, but inside she had her doubts.

  She took a deep breath before ringing her mother’s doorbell. An uncomfortable heaviness settled in the pit of her stomach. She dreaded this confrontation with her mother. Already she wished it was over so she could go home.

  She forced herself to sound cheerful when her mother answered the door. “Hello, Mom.” Ava dutifully kissed Doris’s cheek.

  Doris Maxwell studied her older daughter. “You’re looking well, Ava.”

  “Thanks. How are you?”

  “I’m good. Come in, dear. Would you like something to drink?”

  They sat at the table in the dinette, between the kitchen and living room, tall ice-filled glasses of cold grape juice in front of them. “I haven’t seen you since the holidays,” Doris remarked.

  “I know. I’ve been having a hard time lately, Mom.”

  “Oh? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing’s really wrong, per se. I’m just forcing myself to face some things I’ve been keeping locked away in the back of my mind for years, like not being able to have kids and the effect it’s had on my life.”

  “You mean because you didn’t want to adopt, even though CJ wanted a child so badly.”

  Ava chewed on the corner of her lower lip, determined to be patient. “Adopting a child wouldn’t have saved my marriage, Mom. It was the blood connection he was looking for. He simply couldn’t have loved a child that wasn’t related to him; for him it wasn’t the same as having your own. The idea was ingrained too deeply in his psyche because of the way he grew up. Daddy understood that,” she added pointedly.

  “Well, I don’t. Once a child is adopted, it’s yours. I’m sure CJ could grasp that.”

  “He went through hell when he was a child, Mom. He told me all about it. It was horrible. The only thing that got him through it was the promise he made himself that one day he would have a family of his own, a real family, and that then things would be different.”

  Doris took a sip from her glass. “I saw them the other day. The kids are cute, but his second wife isn’t anything to write home about.”

  “You’re only saying that because you don’t feel she can measure up to me,” Ava teased.

  “She can’t.”

  They looked at each other and laughed, and Ava noted how good it felt. She couldn’t remember the last time she and her mother had shared a lighthearted moment…or that she had felt her mother was on her side. She liked both ideas.

  “Mom,” she said. “I know that I don’t have to be related to a child to love them. You remember Marcus, don’t you?”

  “The boy you brought with you to Larry’s on Christma
s.”

  “Yes. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately. He’s really a good kid, but he’s had it rough. He comes from a poor family.”

  “So what? So do you.”

  “We were poor, Mom, but not that poor. And we had both you and Daddy. Marcus has never even met his father, and…his mother’s in jail for armed robbery and manslaughter.”

  “I didn’t know. Poor thing.”

  Ava blew out her breath in frustration. “Mom, I’m not telling you this so you can feel sorry for him. Listen to me, please. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone this, but I’ll tell you.” Of course, she had told Hilton as well, but she knew she didn’t have to worry about Hilton’s reaction. “He lives in the Avalon Hotel. His grandparents, who he lives with, were burned out of their apartment a couple of months ago. He hates it there, and he started to get involved with the wrong people and do bad things. He was breaking the law and would have gotten into real trouble if…well, if he hadn’t met me. All he needed was a different environment. He started spending weekends with me, and then on school days I started making him lunch. He’d come by in the mornings to pick it up.”

  “That was nice of you.”

  “There’s more to it than just being nice. I genuinely care for Marcus.” She paused, then plunged in. “I asked his grandparents if he could move in with me, and they said yes. He’s been living in my house since last week.”

  “I see. How long will he be there?”

  “I don’t know. Indefinitely, I guess.”

  “Oh, Ava,” Doris said, her voice ringing with disappointment. “I wish you’d find yourself a nice man, get married and adopt. You’re going to be heartbroken when this boy up and leaves.”

  “And what if I adopt him? You said yourself that once a child is adopted, he’s yours.”

  “I meant you and your husband should adopt. I didn’t mean for you to do it alone. Single parenting isn’t easy. It’s hard enough to do with a partner.”

  She sounded just like Hilton, Ava thought with annoyance. Still, she had to admit both of them had a point. It couldn’t be easy.

  “Besides, he’s not really eligible for adoption, is he? His mother is alive.”

  “Yes, but she’ll be in prison until he’s an adult. He barely remembers her. Why should he lose his childhood on account of her bad judgment?”

  “What about his grandparents?”

  “Mom, they’re about your age. I’d guess his grandmother is in her early sixties, his grandfather in his mid-sixties. They have custody of him, but at that age it’s difficult. And it’s not just Marcus they have custody of. He has three younger cousins. I’m afraid they might all wind up in foster care. The grandparents can move around reasonably well—the grandfather uses a cane—but they were injured in a car accident a couple of years back and had to go on disability. It’s a lot for them to take care of kids so young.”

  “Oh, my.”

  Her mother sounded more sympathetic than pitying. Ava felt like she was making headway and quickly painted a visual picture. “Imagine you taking care of your grandchildren on a full time basis. There’s no reason why something like that couldn’t have happened to you and Daddy.”

  “Maybe so, but I still think you should be married to adopt.”

  “In case you haven’t noticed, Mom, I don’t have a husband.”

  “No, but Joy and Maria tell me you’re seeing a nice young man.”

  Ava nodded knowingly. She had expected her sister and sister-in-law to give Doris a full report about Hilton after the open house. “Yes, but that’s as far as it goes.”

  “Is he as nice as, oh, what was his name…”

  “Leon?”

  “Yes. The one you were seeing last year. I actually got to meet him.”

  “Yes, well, he was very nice, but it just didn’t work.” She’d had no choice but to break it off when he expressed a desire to have children one day.

  “I’ve noticed that whenever you date someone it only lasts a few weeks or months. That’s the kind of thing that makes people wonder what’s wrong with you. You know, like those Hollywood actresses who get married three and four times.”

  Ava’s chuckle came fast. “No need to wonder about that. We all know what’s wrong with me.”

  “Nonsense. You act like you’ve got a deformity or something. They can fix just about everything nowadays, Ava.”

  “What are you getting at?”

  “I’m saying that there’s all kinds of options for women with your problem. If you were so determined to carry CJ’s baby you could have gotten something done.”

  “I didn’t want to do it.”

  “He told me you didn’t.”

  “Mom, it would have cost a fortune, and they told me that the odds for success were about twenty percent. Not only would I have ended up divorced, but I might have ended up broke as well. And he had no right to discuss our private business with you.”

  “Daddy and I were very concerned when you separated. The three of us had a talk.”

  Ava released an exasperated breath. “Mom, do we have to talk about this? It all happened a long time ago, and we’ve both moved on.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. He’s moved on. Fairly quickly, I might add,” she said in a disapproving tone. “You, on the other hand, are still floating when you need to be grounded.”

  Despite her resolve, Ava began to lose her patience. “You’re either criticizing me or pitying me. What do you want from me, Mom?” she asked, with exaggerated enunciation of the last sentence.

  “I want you to accept the fact that you’re infertile. I want you to get over it. A lot of folks have worse problems regarding their health, even young people. This doesn’t even affect your health,” Doris pointed out. “You don’t have any of the challenges of someone who’s physically disabled. But until you do accept it you’ll never be able to get beyond it. It’s become the focus of your life, and it shouldn’t be.”

  “Don’t you think taking care of Marcus is a start?”

  “I think you’re putting the cart before the horse, but I guess you’ve got to start someplace.”

  Ava laughed. “All right. I’m going to plan a barbecue at my house sometime soon. You’ll see Marcus again, and you’ll get to meet Hilton as well.”

  “I’d like that.”

  When Ava left a short time later and hugged her mother farewell, she felt for the first time in a long time that Doris really did love her.

  Chapter 19

  “I’ll get it, Joan,” Linda called to her stepmother. She reached for the ringing phone. “Hello.”

  “Hello, Linda.”

  She drew in her breath and had to clear her throat before her reply had sound. “Neil. How are you?”

  “I’m doing all right. I, uh, got your letter.”

  “Oh.”

  “I wish you’d told me.”

  “It’s a hard thing to say, Neil.”

  “Especially with me going on and on about how much I wanted children. In hindsight, I see I didn’t make it easy for you.”

  “It’s what you want. You deserve to have what you want.”

  “I’d like to see you, Linda. I’ve missed you, and I need to talk to you.”

  “I can’t think of anything I’d like better, but I can’t get away right now. My father had a stroke.”

  “Oh, no! When did this happen? And how is he?”

  “Last weekend. He seems to be recovering, but he’s having a little difficulty with his motor skills. He’ll be starting outpatient physical therapy twice a week, plus doing exercises on his own to help him regain full movement.”

  “I’m really sorry to hear he’s had a problem. How did he take…well, the news of what happened with us?”

  “He only knew something was wrong. Of course, he and Joan wanted to know the specifics, but I told them it was private.” Linda paused, not sure if she should share her thoughts with her estranged husband. Deciding she should, she said, “I have to tell yo
u, Neil, I think his concern about me was what caused his pressure to go up so high.”

  Neil muttered a phrase of dismay. “Listen…why don’t I come up next weekend? I’m sure there must be something I can do to help.”

  “Actually, I think it’ll do Daddy a world of good just to see you here.” Standing next to me, she added silently.

  “I hope so. I’ll be in touch.”

  “All right. Thanks for calling, Neil. You don’t know how much better I feel.”

  “I think I do. I’m feeling a lot better myself.”

  Linda gripped the receiver tightly as she lowered it, and her hand trembled. Neil had called! He hadn’t said anything about divorcing her, instead he actually wanted to see her! He’d actually sounded apologetic.

  She knew she should offer assistance to her stepmother, but instead Linda went to her bedroom and closed the door. She needed a few minutes to rethink the conversation she and Neil just had, to play over every word in her mind to see if she had missed some hidden between-the-lines message. She’d feel like a fool for thinking he wanted to try again if he was really coming up to tell her he was going to begin proceedings to make their break official.

  Her conscience wouldn’t let her mind work properly. Her stepmother had been working so hard waiting on her father, and Linda noticed how tired she’d looked this morning. She didn’t feel right concentrating on her personal problem with her stepmother so busy, so she went downstairs, ready to help out if needed.

  Her father and Joan sat in companionable silence in the living room, she crocheting squares with black, yellow and orange yarn and he holding a newspaper and looking quite normal. “I thought I’d offer to make lunch,” Linda said.

  “That’s sweet of you, dear,” Joan replied. “It’s a little early yet, though. We had a late breakfast today. Maybe in another hour or so.”

  “That’s fine. I’ll be down then.”

  She couldn’t get up the stairs fast enough. Now she could take her time and go over everything. She closed her bedroom door and sprawled across the double bed on her back, in her excitement putting her feet in the air and making cutting-like scissor movements with her legs. Their conversation was still fresh in her mind. She kept hearing him tell her how he missed her, kept hearing the genuine contriteness in his voice when he acknowledged his eagerness for her to get pregnant had only made a difficult situation more so for her.