Love Inspired December 2013 - Bundle 2 of 2: Cozy ChristmasHer Holiday HeroJingle Bell Romance

by Valerie Hansen

  “No, there are better ways to settle disagreements. Mr. Tanner told me that. But I like knowing I can take care of myself. I’ve got some homework to do, but let me know when you talk with Mr. Tanner.”

  Josh left and Emma paced. This wasn’t something she could talk about over the phone with him, and yet it was better not to surprise Jake by just showing up. She withdrew her cell from her pocket and punched in his number. Still, it would be good for him to be involved and give him something to think about other than what had occurred in Afghanistan.

  “Shep and I are doing fine,” Jake said in a husky voice, as though he hadn’t used it a lot in the past few days.

  The sound of it made her shiver, and an image of the man occupied every inch of her mind. His handsome features—

  “Emma?”

  She blinked away the vision of him and said, “I need to see you. Can I come over?”

  “You don’t need to worry about Shep. You trained him well, and you’ve shown me the signals he responds to. We’re doing fine.”

  “Please.”

  *

  Jake held the phone to his ear while massaging his temple with his free hand. “Fine, I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

  When Emma hung up, Jake stood in his kitchen listening to the dial tone for a moment before disconnecting. The urgency in her voice spoke to the protector in him—something he hadn’t tapped into much since his days in Afghanistan. Yet part of him was broken and lay in fear of the slightest loud noise, anything unexpected, the press of people, especially strangers.

  Something was wrong. That much was clear from the tone of Emma’s voice. Six months ago, before his world blew up around him, he would have been charging over to her house to fix whatever had her so concerned. She was Ben’s little sister with no immediate family nearby.

  It was bad enough that she haunted his waking hours. Often when he looked at Shep, he thought about the time she must have put in to train the German shepherd. But whatever she needed—what if he couldn’t do it? He’d already turned down Marcella’s perfectly reasonable request. He was just so scared to have people begin to rely on him. Half his men were killed or wounded that day in the mountains. He’d let them down. He hadn’t been able to bring them all out alive.

  When he sat at his table to finish the frozen dinner he had microwaved, Shep came over and positioned himself next to Jake, laying his head in Jake’s lap. Jake took his last bite, then stroked the dog, inhaling deep breaths to keep the anxiety at bay.

  I can’t fix everything. I can’t control everything. He said those sentences over and over to himself while he ran his fingers through Shep’s fur. But the Lord can. Then why aren’t You? Haven’t I suffered enough?

  When the doorbell rang five minutes later, he was still seated at the table, petting Shep. He wanted to ignore the summons to answer, but he also felt the draw to help Emma as she was trying to help him.

  “C’mon, Shep. Let’s see what she needs.” Jake shoved back his chair and strode toward the foyer. The thought that he might actually be able to do some good lifted his spirits.

  With his dog by his side, he opened the door, his heartbeat increasing at the sight of Emma—beautiful, caring and in need. That was evident in the tiny lines wrinkling her forehead, the absence of a sparkle in her blue eyes.

  “Come in. Let’s go into the living room.” He limped across the entry hall.

  “You aren’t using your cane.”

  “My physical therapist wants me to go without it as much as possible.” He eased onto the couch. “He said I was using it more than I should. He’s probably right.” At least he could do without the physical crutch. Now if only he could get his life in order.

  “How often do you go see him?” Emma took a seat at the other end of the sofa.

  “He comes here twice a week.” He saw the lines deepen on her forehead. “I do go out occasionally.”

  “When? No, forget I asked that. It isn’t any of my business. But Shep can help you leave the house more.”

  He didn’t want to talk about his problems. He was tired of dwelling on what he couldn’t do anymore without fear of a panic attack. “Is this what you came to talk to me about? It sounded urgent on the phone.”

  “You know I talked to Sandy on Sunday about Carson. She insisted that he apologize to Josh. Carson did at school today and later Liam Rogers, the third bully, made it clear he wouldn’t tolerate that with Carson and punched him a few times. He’ll have a black eye like Josh did.”

  “In other words, they’re coercing Carson to be one of their followers.”

  “Yes, or at least not be a friend to Josh.”

  “Why are they targeting Josh?”

  “Liam Rogers is in Josh’s class. He was held back this year. Josh has always been well liked. Maybe Liam resents that. That’s just a conjecture, but whatever the reason, he wants to make my son’s life miserable.”

  Rage at the situation simmered in Jake’s gut. He worked to tamp it down. “And you want me to do what?”

  “Josh hoped you would work with Carson and Craig, his best friend, teaching them some of the self-defense moves. He feels if they can protect themselves they won’t be so fearful all the time. It’ll give them some self-confidence. Right now even Carson feels like a victim.”

  Was that the way he felt about himself—that he was a victim? Jake’s first urge was to say no, but then he looked into Emma’s hopeful face and the denial wouldn’t form. Instead, he said determinedly, “On two conditions: it’ll be done here, and there should be a fourth boy. That way I can pair them off to practice. But no more than four.” Four might even be too many. He’d taught self-defense and fighting skills to men—not children.

  “That’s great. Josh has another good friend named Zach. I’ll talk with his parents and him to see if they’ll agree. When can we start?”

  Emma was like a dog that smelled a buried bone and would keep digging until it found the prize. “I figured that would be your next question,” he said with a laugh. “Thursday. We’ll work an hour Saturday, Tuesday and Thursday. Weekdays right after school and Saturday in the morning at ten. Okay?”

  “It is with me. I’ll check with the other parents and get back to you. If it is, I’ll be here on Thursday to introduce you to everyone involved and to help if you need it.”

  He knew what she was doing. Since this would be a new situation, she wasn’t sure if he would have a panic attack. The fact he couldn’t reassure her he wouldn’t frustrated him. Just another example of what little control he really had in his life.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow evening.” Instead of rising to leave, Emma shifted to face him squarely. “So how are you and Shep getting along? Do you have any questions about his training?”

  “In other words, what has he done for me?”

  “Yes. He’s capable of a lot.”

  “Every night he wakes me up before I get too far into my recurring nightmare about the ambush. During the day, he senses when I need to calm down. I haven’t gone anywhere since he came to live with me. We’ll find out how that is at the first of next week when I go back to my doctor.”

  “How has it been in the past?”

  “Not easy, but necessary. I have the first appointment in the morning and that helps, but I battle anxiety. I’m determined to overcome it.” Amazed that he had admitted his fear to Emma, he realized in a short time he’d come to trust her. That surprised him even more.

  “You should practice with short trips to different places. Shep will be able to help you with your anxiety before it really gets started.”

  “Can he stop panic attacks?”

  “Possibly. It depends on what triggers an attack and how fast it comes on. I’ve got a proposition for you.”

  He tensed, not sure he wanted to hear it.

  “You came to my house when you brought Josh home that first day. I could tell that was hard for you. What if you and Shep came to
dinner tomorrow night? Since I’m just around the corner, it’d be a short trip.”

  “Then what?”

  “Maybe the park or the ranch where I can show you the facilities for Caring Canines and then after that a store.”

  “All by Monday?”

  “We can if you want, or do some after Monday.”

  Listening to her plan to help him with his panic attacks with crowds and unexpected situations, he felt anger mushroom inside him. He was an invalid and that didn’t sit well. He swallowed what pride he had left and said, “Ben mentioned that your friend Abbey is a counselor and has a group for people who suffer with PTSD.”

  “Yes. No one in it is a veteran, so it might not be the right one for you. From what I understand, the vets in this area have to go to Oklahoma City for a PTSD therapy group. Abbey only started it a few months ago.”

  “Oklahoma City is two hours away.”

  “I know. Abbey’s good. Try her group. The cause of the PTSD may be different from the others’, but you all are still going through the same problems. I was glad Ben was in Tulsa where he had one for vets nearby. He never regretted attending.”

  Jake scrubbed his hands down his face, feeling the stubble of his beard. He’d forgotten to shave again this morning. “Do you know when the group meets?”

  “Monday evenings. She has an office and room she uses at the ranch. She used to work at the hospital, but with the foundation growing, she quit that job to run Caring Canines. Still, she didn’t want to give up some of the groups she’d started at the hospital. I’ll give you her number. Let her know you’re interested.” Emma dug into her purse and withdrew a card. “Here’s her number.”

  He took it from her, the brief brush of their fingers like an instant connection leaping between them. He didn’t know if he could go to a therapy group and discuss his problems, but he had to do something. He didn’t like what was happening, and it wasn’t getting better with time. He needed more.

  “I’ll call her tomorrow, but with the doctor appointment on Monday, I’d rather push it to next week. I can start the group session the following Monday.”

  She smiled, those blue eyes light like the sea. “I hope you like pizza.”

  “Sure, but I can order that and bring it.”

  “No, this is homemade pizza. Josh and I usually have it on Wednesday night.” She rose. “I’d better get back. I don’t like to leave Josh too long by himself, even though he complains he’s eleven. He thinks I baby him.”

  “You’ve been here awhile.”

  “I know but I’m only a block away and Buttons is becoming quite the watch dog. Not to mention I have a great neighbor.”

  The other day with Marcella, his neighbor, still bothered him. “I let Marcella down, but I’m not ready to do what she asked.”

  “What if this group with the four boys works out? Maybe then you can consider having the ladies over to your house. You could start with a small group and see what happens.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t want to commit to too much.” He didn’t want to let down any more people than he already had.

  Jake walked Emma to the door and said goodnight. When she left, he felt lonely. She brought an energy into his house that teased him with future possibilities—that he could have a normal life again.

  *

  “You could open a pizzeria. That was delicious.” Jake sat next to Emma on her porch swing the next evening, darkness blanketing the landscape beyond the security light by the front door. Shep lay stretched out nearby with his eyes trained on Jake.

  “With my son monopolizing your time from the minute you came into the house, I never got to ask you how the walk over here went. I didn’t have you over to answer a hundred questions and practice baseball with him.”

  “Then why did you have me to dinner?” A strand of her blond hair had worked its way out of her ponytail and enticed him to smooth it behind her ear. He balled his hands to keep from following through on that impulse.

  “To help you get out more and feel like you won’t have a panic attack. But also to have food other than from a can or a frozen box.”

  “I’m not starving. I do have a list of places that deliver food when I get tired of frozen dinners.” He couldn’t resist the temptation any longer. He brushed the stray lock behind her ear. The silken feel of her hair sliding over his fingertips made his stomach quiver, his breath catch.

  Her gaze was riveted to his and for a long moment they looked at each other. She finally broke the silence, saying, “I love to cook.” Her voice quavered, and she paused, glancing away. “My husband enjoyed my cooking. I miss that. Josh only wants a simple meal like pizza, spaghetti, macaroni and cheese. I don’t get to experiment with new recipes the way I did when Sam was alive.”

  “You can experiment on me anytime. I know it’s a tough job, but I think I can handle being your taster.”

  “Then you have a standing invitation to come to dinner Sunday night when Josh is at the youth group at church. That way I won’t subject him to any of my fancy gourmet dishes.”

  “I can’t let you do that.”

  “You’d be doing me a favor. I’d be elated to spend some quality time in the kitchen.”

  The thought that he could give her joy made him smile. There was so little of that in his life lately. “Then I’ll be here. Same time as tonight?”

  “Yes. Craig’s mom is driving the boys to church on Sunday so I’ll have plenty of time to wow you with my culinary skills.”

  “After the food I’ve eaten in the army and here, it won’t take much. I used to appreciate good food, but I’m more like Josh lately. Just something simple that doesn’t require a lot of thought or work on my part.”

  “But that’s the beauty of this invitation. You won’t do either. I will and I’ll enjoy doing it. There’s something creative about coming up with a dish that is delicious and different from the usual.”

  “If you feel that way, why didn’t you train to be a chef? Why a veterinary assistant?”

  “Because I love animals more. There was a time I contemplated being a veterinarian, but I got married between my second and third year in college and had Josh about a year later. With my husband having to finish his last year to get his engineering degree, we didn’t have the money.” She stared at her lap, her hands clasped together. “After that, there never seemed to be a good time to go back to school, especially with Sam’s seizures becoming worse.”

  Jake couldn’t see her expression well with her eyes glued to her lap, but he heard the pain in her voice and saw the stiff set of her body. Laying his hand over hers, he wished he could take her hurt away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. It’s none of my business.”

  She shook her head. “No, I consider you a friend. What I was going to add is that I’ve found something I really love doing, training dogs to help others. I’m not sure I was cut out to be a vet like Dr. Harris. He’s a great boss and handles the bad things that happen to animals so much better than I do.” When she lifted her head and peered at him, she was calmer, her expression neutral. “How about you? What made you go into the army? Josh told me you went to college and got a degree in psychology?”

  “My father was a career military officer. I thought I would work on my master’s and possibly my Ph.D. while I was moving up the ranks in the army. Then when I retired, I would have a profession. All my life that was what was expected of me: to follow my father into the army.”

  “And you regret now that you can’t?”

  “No, but I’m not the person I was. That’s one of the reasons I didn’t want to live in Florida where my father and his second wife are. He sees me one way, and that Jake died the day of the ambush.”

  “That’s understandable when you have a major trauma occur. Ben feels a lot like that.”

  He didn’t look at Emma. He couldn’t. When he’d been with his father the last time, he’d seen the disappointment in the general’s expression. Jake was being discharged because
of his injuries, and he didn’t fight leaving the army. In the general’s book, he was giving up.

  “Maybe your parents were more understanding about what Ben was going through. My dad wasn’t. He never said it, but I think he thought I was weak. A man in the Army Special Forces is supposed to get patched up and keep going, return to the field and fight another battle.”

  Emma touched his hand, stroking it before she curled her fingers around it. “I’m sorry. How did he expect you to keep going with your leg like it is?”

  “I was supposed to take a desk job in Washington until I was fully recovered. The general has a lot of pull. If I had wanted, it would have happened, however long it would have taken for me to get back the full use of my leg.”

  Using her forefinger, she turned his head so he looked right at her. “You answer to yourself and God. Not anyone else. You have to ask yourself what you want. Not your father. Not anyone else but you.”

  His eyes slid closed for a few seconds. “I’ve never said any of this out loud. How do you do it—get me to talk about something I’d just as soon forget?”

  “One of my many talents.” One corner of her mouth tipped up. “Seriously, people do need to talk to someone about what’s bothering them or often it makes the situation worse. Not speaking about it doesn’t make it go away, no matter how much we wish it did.”

  “You sound like you know this firsthand.”

  “Yes, but I haven’t taken it as far as you have.”

  “You haven’t said anything to anyone? You’ve kept something painful to yourself?”

  She nodded, slipping her hand to his upper arm to keep the physical connection in place.

  “Forget about the mess I’m in. I do have a master’s degree in psychology. Maybe I can help you. At least I can listen.”

  She checked her watch. “Oh, look, it’s getting late. I need to make sure Josh has finished his homework. It’s nearing his bedtime.”

  In other words, she didn’t trust him with what was bothering her. The thought hurt Jake after he’d revealed nearly everything to her. At least he didn’t tell her how he felt he was pathetic; that part of what his father said was true. He should be able to bounce back and live a normal life, even if it was as a civilian.