In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  Planting my feet, I shook my head. “I’ve experienced their fun a few times.”

  “Not with me you haven’t.” There was a twinkle in her eyes as she pulled me toward them, and I resisted. I wasn’t in the mood.

  “Come on, Dawn. I promise we won’t bite,” Scott Jennings said, smiling his perfect smile as he sat on the top of the bench in only a set of board shorts.

  “I’m sure you won’t. I just really want to go home. It’s been a long day.”

  “You could always hang out with us. We’re heading down to the beach later. Gonna set up sleeping bags and sleep out, watching for some comets that are supposed to come down.”

  Shea turned to me and grabbed both of my hands. “It’s supposed to be beautiful, Dawn. Please come with us.”

  “I don’t think so. You have fun though.” I gave them a wave then left, feeling strange to have Scott Jennings invite me like that. We’d never talked much before. He had no reason to want me there, so I assumed I was only invited because of Shea and wouldn’t be missed.

  “I’ll be right back,” I heard Shea say to them before she came running back to me.

  “What’s going on with you?”

  I stopped and shook my head. “I don’t know. I honestly…I don’t know. Everything seems to be changing, this summer isn’t turning out anything like what I’d planned. I just feel like my friends aren’t my friends anymore.”

  “What kind of a thing is that to say? I’m your friend. Zeke is your friend. And Luke, he’s your friend.”

  I shook my head, tears threatening to fall if I didn’t get back my control. “No. He’s not. Not anymore.”

  With her eyes lighting up with understanding, she took my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. “I think we should go and talk. Something’s obviously happened to upset you.”

  “What about your meteor watching?”

  With a soft smile, she shrugged. “You’re more important.” Then she turned back to the Wannabes and told them she’d have to catch up with them another time. “It’s a girls only night tonight, boys.”

  They responded with snickers that told me they took that comment in the dirtiest way possible, and I quickly pulled my hands from Shea’s grasp. “What have you been telling them?” I demanded.

  “Nothing,” she responded calmly. “They’re eighteen-year-old boys. Their minds are in the gutter. Didn’t they do a study that found out men think about sex every seven seconds or something like that?”

  I scoffed. “That seems like a grossly inflated number to me.”

  She shrugged. “Seems just about right from where I’m standing. Come on.” She slipped her arm in mine again, and we started walking back to our street. “Why don’t you tell me what happened with Luke.”

  And I did. I told her about the surfing and explained to her how much time we’d been spending together. Then as we arrived at her house, I told her about the trip to the city with his son. Listening intently, she led me inside her house, and I took a moment to take it in before I continued my story. I’d never been in there before and their main décor consisted of books. Everywhere. And they weren’t even in bookcases. There were just stacks and stacks of them all around the edge of the room and on every surface.

  There was the lounge that I’d seen carried inside during the storm, and there was an old desk and a chair. A free standing lamp. A small kitchen table and a few stools. But other than that, it was just white walled, exposed ceiling beams and books, books, books. Old books, new books, books with no covers at all. It smelled like a library and incense and felt incredibly temporary. As if they didn’t want to go to the trouble of putting everything away properly because they’d only have to pack it up again.

  “And what happened after you got back from the city?” Shea asked, as she led me up the stairs and into her bedroom. I told her about back and forth movie suggestions that had been going on for months and that after that trip he’d invited me to watch a movie with him. Then I told her about the argument that morning and how he turned me away from his house.

  “Now, I don’t even think he wants to be friends. He thinks I’m just a kid. He’s worried about what people think because he so much older than me.” I sat on the end of her bed, still trying not to cry.

  “It sounds as though he likes you as a lot more than a friend,” she said, moving over to an old looking dresser where I saw the bottle of perfume I’d given her during our first meeting sitting next to her iPod dock. It seemed to be the only piece of technology the house had so far. She hit play and this soft sounding melancholy played from the speakers as a female voice sung soft and clear. I didn’t know the song, but I liked the way the music made me feel.

  As she headed back toward me, I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

  “It sounds as though you like him a lot more than a friend as well.”

  “No. It’s not like that between us.”

  She reached up and ran her hand down my hair, shifting it away from my face as she looked at me intently. “Then why are you so upset?”

  “Because I really like being his friend.”

  Nodding sagely, she placed her hands on either side of my face and whispered, “I promise to always be your friend, Dawn.” Then she pressed a soft kiss to my cheek, and I felt dampness where her lips were, realising that she’d just kissed away my tear.

  “This isn’t what friends do,” I whispered back, my confusion about my feelings for Shea swirling about inside me, mixed with my upset over Luke, and Zeke’s unwillingness to be anything but vague with me.

  “Says who? Is there a rule book on friendship that says I can’t kiss you when you’re sad and help you feel better?”

  She pressed her lips to mine, and I took a hold of her wrists. “Shea,” I protested. “I…” I felt trapped with a desire to run and a desire to stay. I was so sad, so alone, so confused. She was making it worse, and she was making it better. I needed someone to want me. I needed someone comfort me.

  “You’re so beautiful, Dawn. I wish you could see what I see when you look in the mirror.” Her fingers continued to move along my jawline then down to the soft skin on my neck.

  “Shea,” I objected in a whisper.

  “If you really want me to stop, I will. Just say the words.”

  I thought about saying them. I thought about telling her to stop, but honestly, I was gripped with anticipation as her eyes dropped to my mouth as she moved closer, and closer. I just wanted someone to hold me. I wanted someone to care.

  “Close your eyes, Dawn,” she whispered, and I did, just as her lips met mine. I parted my lips at the connection, and she first took my top lip between hers and then the bottom lip before shifting to lightly run her tongue between the seam of my mouth. The way she moved urged me to reciprocate, and I was mimicking her actions and kissing her back. It was different to the last time. I wasn’t drunk. And at first I was timid, but when she slid her tongue into my mouth and it moved against mine, I responded in kind and found myself making tiny sounds as my head grew lighter and my insides tightened.

  I just wanted someone…

  As the kissing continued, our breathing increased, and I found that she was making the same sounds I was and took comfort knowing I must be doing things the right way. Slowly, we leaned back until we were lying on the bed, side-by-side and kissing with our legs entwined. My hand was on her waist, and her hand was wrapped around mine. She pulled me closer, so I pulled her closer.

  Then her hand shifted and pushed up the fabric of my shirt. I felt the cool air brush along my heated skin, and then I felt her hand slide underneath and move higher toward my breast.

  “Shea?” I asked, pulling back to catch my breath. “What does this even mean?” I kept going back to her, kept finding myself in this same situation, in this same state of arousal. In the same state of wanting.

  She lightly moved her fingers along the base of my bra, back and forth as she spoke to me. It felt kind of exciting, and I felt my nipples har
den at the experience. “It doesn’t mean anything,” she answered in a whisper. “None of this does.” Her hand moved up over the cup of my bra, and she ran the tips of her fingers on the inside beneath the lace, brushing my flesh, causing a reaction between my legs. I gasped, and pulled back a little, fighting the feeling that was building inside me.

  “But, it’s supposed to mean something. It should mean something.”

  “You’re wrong. It should feel exactly as it does. And this feels right, don’t you agree?” She slid her hand further inside my bra, taking the weight of my breast in her hand before rolling her thumb over my pert nipple.

  My breathing quickened again as a jolt went between my legs. “Yes,” I admitted in a gasp.

  “Do you want me to stop?” she asked, dropping her head to lightly kiss my neck as she continued to roll my nipple between her fingers.

  I was struggling to think. “I…” Her tongue ran along my skin then she took my earlobe between her teeth. “I…”

  “You what?” she whispered, moving to kiss my jawline. When she brushed her lips against my mouth, something changed in the way I reacted. I was hungry, and I kissed her back with the energy that was building in my body, using my tongue, tasting her coconut lip balm. The energy in me seemed to increase, and as I lost myself in her mouth and took one of her breasts in my hand, she removed her hand from under my shirt.

  Slowly, she shifted downward and cupped her hand between my legs, staying on the outside of my shorts. I moaned as her hand rubbed at the gathering heat. It was as if my insides were screaming to be touched and my mind was so caught up that I didn’t want it to stop. And the feeling just seemed to get more and more until suddenly my body jolted, and it felt as though a great throbbing burst between my legs.

  “Holy hell,” I gasped, my eyes flying open as my body pulsed beneath her fingers. She’d done it to me again, and I’d let her. I’d wanted her to. I needed the comfort of someone touching me.

  She smiled kissed me softly before she withdrew her hand and rested on the pillow beside me. “Feel better?”

  “I think so.” I lay there, breathing heavy as I looked up at her ceiling then turned my head to face her. “Should I…should I do that for you too?”

  She shook her head. “No. I like doing that for you. I like making you feel good.”

  Frowning, I wondered why she liked doing it. Did she get some kind of pleasure out of watching me? Was it a power thing? I didn’t get it. Didn’t people normally want some soft of reciprocation? I shifted so my hands were resting beneath my face as I lay facing her. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Is that what sex is like?”

  “No,” she whispered. “It’s only part of it. And it isn’t something all men know how to do. That’s why we need to learn how to pleasure ourselves so we can teach them how our bodies work.”

  I curled into myself, feeling a mildly satisfied throb within my body. “Do you think Zeke knows how to do that?”

  She shrugged. “Do you still want him in that way?”

  My brow furrowed, remembering the conversation with him earlier. He didn’t want a relationship straight away. He wanted to see how things were. “It’s they way I always imagined it.”

  “Well, you can show him what to do if he doesn’t.”

  I nodded, my mind moving along at a mile a minute as I tried to reconcile what was happening between us. “That doesn’t upset you does it – that I want to be with him still?”

  Sitting up, Shea released her musical laugh and twisted her hair so it sat over her shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about me, Dawn. I know how to share.”

  There was something a little tight within her voice, and I wondered if that were really true. I wondered if perhaps she was doing all of these things simply because she was in love with Noa and it was what he wanted.

  “I think someone should worry about you,” I said after a moment, feeling suddenly sad for her.

  “Why is that?”

  “Because everyone needs someone who worries.”

  She shrugged. “I have Noa, he worries about me – in his own special way.”

  I looked at her closed bedroom door, now curious as to where her stepfather was. “What would he do if he caught us in here? I mean, I heard him yelling at you about the boys from the bonfire.”

  She looked down at her hands, her cuticles seeming to be fairly interesting to her at that point. “Oh, that was just because they were boys, and boys aren’t very discreet. Men, on the other hand, they like to talk but they don’t need to brag like boys do. I’d imagine that if Noa caught us in here, and saw you writhing on the bed the way you just were, he’d do what most men would do.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Exactly what Zeke did, he’d join in.”

  I sat up quickly and straightened my clothing, suddenly worried that he was going to come into her room and do just that. The idea of having actual sex with someone like him was definitely something I wasn’t comfortable with.

  “Relax,” she said, noticing my discomfort. “He’s not here. He’s off at some meeting or something. He’s staying out overnight.”

  Relieved, I encircled my bent legs with my arms and rested my chin on my knees and just looked around her bedroom, noting all the things I couldn’t see from my window. She had an overflowing built in closet with a full-length three-way mirror, and a private bathroom. But otherwise, it was as sparse as the rest of the house.

  “You can tell you move house a lot.”

  “Who knows, maybe we’ll stay this time.”

  I glanced over at her with a raised brow. “You think?”

  She smiled. “Who knows? Noa is very…eccentric, and sometimes we find we don’t fit in so great.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He has a penchant for married women.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Well, he doesn’t believe in monogamy, and I guess it’s his way of trying to teach others that humans are designed for pleasure. Sometimes he tempts women, and sometimes he tempts men, and sometimes, things end very badly. Jealousy is a dangerous thing.”

  “Do you get jealous?”

  “As long as I’m the relationship and they’re just sex, I don’t have a problem with it. It’s when he dates that I struggle with our arrangement.”

  “Does he get upset when you date?”

  Her eyes dropped and she smiled in a way that made me realise I was right about her relationship with Noa. She felt more for him than he did for her. “No. He doesn’t. But, he says my jealousy is just because I’m young, and I haven’t had a lot of experience. He says it will get easier with age and more partners.”

  I thought about her situation and felt that it must be awful knowing the person you loved was out there making love to someone else at any given time. It would be such a horrible way to live. I didn’t think I could do it no matter how much time went by, or how many sexual partners I had. “Do you worry that he’ll meet someone else one day and bring her, or even him, to come and live with you?”

  She answered in a whisper. “I do.”

  I released a heavy sigh. “I don’t know how you do it. I see how destroyed my mother is after my father cheated on her then left to be with a woman who isn’t much older than me. I don’t know if I could knowingly share someone.”

  “Isn’t that what we’re doing right now? You know I’m with Noa, and I know you intend to be with Zeke.”

  “Yes, but this is different,” I argued.

  “Is it?”

  “Well, yes, don’t you think it is?”

  “I think that knowing and accepting is far better than hiding what you’re doing and being dishonest with your lover. There’s nothing wrong with being with more than one person at a time, or even at the same time if that’s what interests you. It’s just society’s view that is skewed and trained to see relationships as between a man and a woman that must ultimately lead to the life sentenc
e of marriage and kids. It doesn’t need to be like that. Love comes and it goes, and attraction can turn into friendship or the other way around. Having an open relationship, and an open mind to accepting pleasure in all its forms just leads to an ending of oppression – an ending of judgement and bigotry. They need to get rid of the rules and just let people love how they want to love.”

  “I don’t want to share Zeke with anyone.”

  “You already have,” she reminded me.

  “I don’t want to do that again.”

  Her tone changed. “Then you can’t expect him to share you.” She stood and went over to her iPod dock then shut off the music, her hands on her hips as she let out a sigh. “On second thoughts, Noa isn’t staying out tonight, and he’ll probably be home soon, you should probably go.”

  I knew she was lying. I’d done something to make her reject me too. What was so awful about me that people kept turning me away? I stood to leave. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, Shea. I was just trying to be honest about how I feel.”

  She turned to me and smiled. “I know that. I’m not upset. We just have different outlooks on life and love. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s only something wrong with denying it. Which you are. You need to figure out what you want, Dawn. Is it me? Is it Zeke? Is it both of us, or is it someone entirely different? The choice is yours to make. Just don’t make rules for others then readily break them yourself. That’s how people get hurt.”

  “I know what I want.” I wanted my life back. I wanted to go back to the beginning of summer when my future was still ahead of me, and Zeke was the only person I cared about loving me.

  She scoffed. “You have absolutely no idea, little one. You’re still learning what you want.”

  Why was she being so mean?

  “What makes you the authority on all things to do with relationships? As far as I can tell you’ve never actually been in one. All you’ve done is fucked a bunch of people.”

  Pulling her head back as if she’d been slapped, Shea tried to compose herself and released a humourless laugh. “If you’re so sure about what you want, Dawn, go out there and take it. No one is stopping you.”