In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  “Fine. I will.” Frowning, I left her house, wondering what the hell had her so bent out of shape. I wasn’t denying anything. I knew what I wanted, I’d known for a long time. Life was just throwing curveballs my way and making everything harder than it needed to be. But, if I worked hard and focused on my dreams, I could let all of the other shit go and still have it. Zeke had finally showed an interest in me, and I could figure out another way to get money. I could still have it all, I could still follow my plans.

  I was going to prove to Shea that she was wrong. I didn’t want her, she was just confusing my mind. Zeke was the one I wanted. It had always been that way.

  I wasn’t denying anything.

  18

  “Hey?” It sounded more like a question than a greeting when Zeke answered the door. It had taken him a while as he’d had his iPod blasting tunes into his ears. “I was going to come and see you later. Is everything OK?”

  “Are you alone?” I responded, looking at the driveway to see that there were no cars. I was nervous. But, I was there with a goal. I was there to prove there was still hope. My future could start right now if I’d just reach out and take what I want.

  He frowned. “Uh, yeah. Dad’s still at work and mum and Tina went to the city to see some ballet. They’re staying overnight. Why, what’s up?”

  “This.” I grabbed his face and kissed the crap out of him, and his arms immediately gripped my waist, and he pulled me into the house and shut the door, kissing me right back.

  “Why do you taste like coconut?” he asked.

  Instantly, I felt bad for coming straight from Shea’s over to Zeke, but I hadn’t been thinking at the time, I was more intent on proving to her that I knew what I wanted – that I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t thinking about how out of character any of this behaviour was. I just needed my life back.

  As Zeke waited for an answer, I felt guilty. It was the right emotion to feel under the circumstances. But instead of explaining or backing off, I kissed Zeke harder, hungrier, trying to drown out the voices inside me that told me what I was doing was wrong. Zeke wanted me, and I wanted to be with someone who wanted me. As I continued to kiss him aggressively, he responded in kind, his hands moving down to grip my arse and pull me harder against him.

  I could feel his hardness between us, pressing into my stomach.

  A jolt shot down to my centre as I imagined what it would be like to take him inside me. Then I moved to slide my hands under his shirt. I wanted him to take it off. I wanted to feel the tight skin on his firm chest. I wanted this.

  I knew what I wanted. I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t confused.

  I wanted someone to love me…

  With a groan, he whispered against my mouth. “Are you doing what I think you’re doing, Dawn?”

  “Take me to your room,” I whispered in answer.

  He began to move toward the stairs, still kissing me. “This isn’t going too fast for you?”

  “No. I want this. I want it to be you.”

  I knew what I wanted.

  I wanted someone to care about me…

  He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me up the stairs and promised me he’d be gentle. I smiled as he took me into his room and laid me on the bed, kissing me the entire time, his hands touching me everywhere. He made me feel wanted, and I wondered why we’d waited so long. We could have been together this entire time.

  He took his shirt off first, and I sat up then ran my hands over his chest. It was firm and smooth. The chest of a person who was naturally slim and kept fit but didn’t work hard at it. It was a chest I knew well, but one I’d been unable to touch in this way until now.

  Then he leaned down and kissed me again, his tongue smooth and warm in my mouth. Being with him was everything I expected it to be but better than I imagined. I could feel my body heating and aching in all the right places, and when he took my shirt off, and then my bra before he cupped my breast in his hand, I’d prepared myself for the natural progression of things. He was about to touch me in a way that would make my body quake in the most magnificent way, and it would be better this time because I was in love with Zeke.

  His hands moved from my breasts and down to the waistband of my shorts. And despite the brief flash of disappointment when he stopped paying attention to my chest, a nervous excitement filled me as he undid the button and then the zip.

  Sitting back, his eyes took in my naked chest, his liquid black eyes looking silken with desire as he hooked his fingers into the waistband of my shorts then pulled both them and my underwear down my legs, leaving me completely naked and completely vulnerable.

  He slid his fingers between my thighs, groaning when he connected with my wetness. “You feel amazing,” he moaned as he pushed his long fingers inside of me. I gasped, feeling the first stretches of penetration as he worked his fingers against my walls. In and out. In and out.

  Withdrawing his fingers, I let out a moan of protest, wanting him to touch me longer.

  He grinned at my sound and moved his hands to the waist of his shorts. “It’s coming,” he promised, and I waited in anticipation as I watched him remove his shorts and reveal to me his…

  Rock hard giant fucking cock!

  I’d seen photos in textbooks, and I’ll even admit to getting curious and watching a brief horrifying moment of porn. But holy shit, how did those things get inside?

  I smiled up at him when he reached into his bedside table and took out a condom that he opened with his teeth then rolled down his shaft. “You still OK?” he asked, his voice soft and loving, even though it seemed he was about to jam that thing of his inside me.

  This was all happening rather fast. Where was the touching that caused that frenzied need to be touched some more? Where was the extra kissing and the fondling? Where was the heat that would build at my core? Why wasn’t he touching me the way Shea had? Didn’t he know what to do? He was supposed to be experienced…

  “I’m OK,” I whispered, still holding out hope that the good stuff was coming.

  He climbed on top of me and kissed me again, long and slow. And my body responded positively, but I craved to be touched. I wanted his hands on my body. I wanted his mouth in my secret places. I wanted him to do the things I’d witnessed and experienced. Instead, he placed the head of his penis at my entrance and introduced me to a whole new experience.

  It was called virgin sex, and it hurt like a bitch.

  “I’m going real slow,” he whispered, looking down at me as he moved his hips back and fourth a little more each time. “Tell me if you need to stop.”

  I nodded, breathing deep as I felt myself stretch around him painfully. I appreciated his concern. I appreciated his promise to stop if I needed to. I just didn’t appreciate the unexpected burning tearing feeling that was happening between my legs.

  I tried to breath through it.

  “I’m halfway. You’re doing great,” he said, while internally, I was freaking out. He already felt so large, and he was only halfway. Oh god. I didn’t want to be a quitter, but I didn’t know if I could keep going. “Relax, baby, you’re doing great, Dawn. You’re doing great.” He kissed me. He stroked my hair. He moved in and out in small increments. It all seemed so caring, and I was grateful that he took his time, but I was even more grateful when finally he announced he was all the way in.

  My insides ached. No. They throbbed.

  “Don’t move,” I said suddenly when he shifted his hips to thrust again.

  “You OK?”

  I nodded, looking up at the ceiling as I took a deep breath and willed myself to relax. This had been a bad idea. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t know what I needed. Sex wasn’t the answer. Zeke wasn’t the answer either. I was simply being stubborn by trying to prove a point. This was the worst idea I’d ever had. I wished Zeke had have said no. I wished he had have looked at me and seen the mess I was in and told me to go home, or better yet, I wish he’d held me. I jus
t needed a goddamned hug because I was upset. I didn’t need…I didn’t need this. Fuck.

  I was such a fucking idiot. Who, in their right mind did this? Who threw away their virginity to prove a point? I hated myself for being so needy and lonely and stupid. I seriously wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run to Luke.

  But he didn’t want me…

  “Dawn?”

  “Just give me a minute,” I whispered, holding on to my emotions. He nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead, to stroke my hair, to kiss my mouth. He was being so…kind. I suppose that was something…

  “I promise the next time will be better. It’s just the first time that’s hard.”

  “Is it this hard for guys too?” I asked naively, even though I knew full well it wasn’t. I think I was just in shock and was speaking to alleviate the fear I had of the hard rod wedged into my insides, and the regret I already felt over putting myself in this position in the first place.

  He chuckled, and it made his dick move inside me in a way that didn’t feel all that bad. “No. But it’s incredibly fast. The first time we get in there, it’s over in about two seconds.”

  To distract myself from our own awkward situation, I imagined him not even being able to get a full thrust in during his first experience then began to laugh. This was all so ridiculous. What the hell was I thinking?

  He sucked in his breath and closed his eyes for a moment.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “Not at all,” he replied. “Quite the opposite. Your laughing is going to make me come.”

  “Seriously?” I laughed again, not on purpose, but because I was finding the situation a little ridiculous. My best friend of eleven years was balls deep inside me, waiting for me to be ready for him to move again. And then he was going to come inside me. Me. Being inside me felt so good that he was about to come.

  Then it hit me. The reality of what we were doing. We were making love. It was what I always wanted, and under any other circumstance, this would have been the happiest moment of my life. If this had happened at the beginning of summer – at the time I wanted to go back to – this would be my most perfect moment.

  Reaching up, I brushed his hair away from his eyes and took the time to really look at him, to look at the face I’d loved for so long, the face that belonged to the one person who had been my only friend for most of my life. And suddenly, what we were doing wasn’t so awful anymore. Suddenly, it felt OK. Suddenly, I realised this meant something. It was what I’d always wanted.

  “Move inside me, Zeke.”

  The smile left his face, replaced by a look that could only be described as ecstasy as he slowly moved. Back and forth. It still ached, but it was more bearable after he’d given me time to adjust to his size.

  Watching him move, I grew fascinated by his expression. I’d never seen him look that way before, with his lips parted and his features soft as his eyes met mine. For the first time, I watched what it looked like when a person came. Just before it happened, he got this far away look in his eyes. Then it was as if he couldn’t breathe for a moment as his whole body shuddered, and I wondered if the release for him in that moment, felt as good as the release I’d felt by the hand of another. That’s when I felt sad. I wished it had been him. I wished he had been my first everything. Somewhere along the way, I’d completely lost my way and let my emotions pull me away from my plans. Sex with Zeke would have meant so much more if he’d managed to make me come as well.

  He kissed me when he was done. He kissed me as though he loved me, and I hoped that it was true. Then he pulled out of me and checked again if I was OK. “Yeah. I’m OK. What about you?” I wasn’t OK. I didn’t know what I was.

  He chuckled and gathered me into his arms so I was resting my head on his chest. “I’m great. I just had sex with the hottest girl I’ve ever known.” I smiled and hugged him back, feeling as though perhaps Zeke did love me as much as I’d always loved him. He kissed me on the top of my head and slowly, I realised he was fast asleep.

  What was I supposed to do now?

  His arm was tight around me, and I was kind of pinned to his chest. Lying there, I thought about everything that had happened and everything I had done. What had I been thinking? Why was I acting this way? My head and my heart felt torn, pulled into so many different directions that I couldn’t figure out what I was doing, or where I was going. I was out of control.

  I was turning into my mother.

  The realisation hit me like a led balloon in my chest. I was doing everything I hated her for doing. I was running from person to person, using their attention to try and make the emptiness inside me feel somewhat full. It didn’t work for her, and it didn’t work for me. I swore I’d never turn out like her. I promised myself I’d stay in control. I closed my eyes, trying to fight the tears. I’d cried enough tears. I’d cried enough. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t…

  When morning came, I still hadn’t slept from all the regret that was swirling around inside me, tormenting me and reminding me that I had completely lost my way. The moment Zeke released his hold on me, I slid out of bed and got dressed before quietly sneaking out of the house. The first thing I did when I got home was turn on the shower and try to wash away some of the filth I felt was covering my body. As the water hit against my face, I finally let myself cry. I cried for the little girl who dreamed of an unrealistic kind of love. I cried for the teenager who had a dream to make something special of her life. And I cried for the young woman who recently learned that love was conditional and everyone left. I cried…

  I stayed there until the water ran cold and I was shivering against the wall. What had I done? What was I supposed to do? I was so incredibly lost.

  Shea was right. I had no idea what I wanted, and I hated myself for it.

  19

  Pulling the blanket a little tighter around my shoulders, I wrapped my arms around my knees as I sat on a large flat volcanic rock, looking out at the dark grey water beyond the point. The waves were practically non-existent as a drizzle rained down a thick oppressive blanket. No one was around; save for a fisherman who was throwing his line in from the beach not far from where I was sitting. The air was humid. The rain was cool. The world felt as miserable as I did.

  My eyes hurt. I’d spent days locked in my room with headphones on and my guilty pleasure – old romantic movies – trying to block out the rest of the world, trying to forget my problems. But, even days filled with Audrey Hepburn didn’t help, and I just ended up looking at Cary Grant and thinking it was his fault I was the way I was. He gave me high expectations of a passion that drove my actions, and a partner whose witty banter was even more of a turn on than his looks were. There was something to be said for witty banter – more people should learn how to give a good back and forth. I’d thought I had it with Zeke, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that perhaps we didn’t have that at all. Perhaps we were just so used to being with each other that we didn’t really know any other way. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to turn to. I didn’t even know if any of it mattered anymore. I didn’t know if I mattered. If I were to simply disappear, would anyone care? Would anyone come looking for me?

  “Dawn?”

  I turned my head at the sound of my name, wiping the water from my face with the edge of the blanket. I was soaked through, but I didn’t care. It felt right to feel awful.

  Luke came and sat down beside me, he was in his wetsuit, although I wasn’t sure why, there weren’t any waves worth riding. I glanced at him, watching as he picked up a small smooth rock and ran his thumb over its surface while he looked out at the grey sea. His hair was slick with water, pushed back from his face in his usual style, on the ends the water beaded and fell. Drip, drip, drip.

  “This is where it happened,” he said after a while, still running the smooth rock between his fingers. He glanced at me. “Did you know that?”

  I shook my head. I had no idea what he
was talking about, but I had a feeling it had something to do with his wife.

  His gaze drifted back to the water. “This was her favourite time to swim because the water is so flat and warm. She’d swim right out to that yellow buoy out there then back to shore. Invigorating, she called it.” He smiled a sad smile, his focus far away as the rock turned, and turned between his fingers. “I like to come out here on days like this to visit her. I don’t go to the cemetery, I feel closer to her here. I feel like I can still talk to her here. I tell her how much I miss her, and I tell her all about Sam, and the mischief he keeps getting into. I tell her the funny things, and I talk to her about my life. Recently, I’ve also been talking her about you.”

  A tinge of surprise hit me and fluttered about in my stomach. He looked at me, his eyes clouded with his thoughts. I wanted to know what he’d said. I wanted to know why he felt the need to talk to her about me. I wanted to know what it meant. But I didn’t want to be selfish; I’d done enough of that.

  “Does she ever talk back?” I asked, my voice coming out quiet. I hadn’t spoken to anyone in days.

  Releasing his breath, he focused on the rock in his hand. “No. Never.”

  “I’m sorry, Luke.”

  Dropping the rock, he wiped his hand over his face and shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Slowly, I let out my breath, not knowing what to say to a man who so clearly lost the love of his life. It hurt my heart to think about it, and after hearing what he said, I felt as though I was intruding on his time with her.

  “I should go,” I said, releasing the blanket to place my hands on the ground so I could get up without falling. His hand wrapped around my forearm.

  “Don’t.” His eyes stared directly into mine and I felt my heart pick up speed. “Stay. Please.”

  When I nodded, he released my forearm and picked up my blanket, tucking it back around my shoulders so the wool would protect me from the cold rain. Then we sat there quietly and looked out at the miserable world together. Two lonely souls, set adrift by circumstance.