In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  “I don’t know how to let go, Dawn. I don’t know how to move on.”

  “What would she want you to do?” I asked, taking in his features as he frowned and kept his focus on the water.

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. We never talked about it. We didn’t expect it all to be over so quickly.”

  “Then ask her.”

  He glanced at me, his eyes confused. “She doesn’t answer back,” he reminded me.

  “Maybe you’re just not listening right,” I offered. “Maybe you’re trying to listen here.” I lifted my hand and gently touched his temple with my fingertips. “Instead of listening here.” I touched my fingertips above his heart. “I’m sure she just wants you to be happy. People always want their loved ones to be happy.”

  He looked out to the water again, his face set in a thoughtful frown. I stood up to leave, knowing that he needed some time to himself to think and spend with the memory of his wife. This time, he didn’t try to stop me from leaving, but I wasn’t upset, in fact, I was OK. He was talking to me again. It may have just been a moment, but perhaps all wasn’t lost after all.

  ***

  “Pssst!”

  The exaggerated hissing sound floated in through my bedroom window late the next night. I closed my eyes, wishing it were just a cat, but knowing that it was Shea. I was still trying to ignore everyone, but since seeing Luke, I’d started to feel the weight of sorrow I’d been buried under lifted. I’d felt so awful about falling into the trap of promiscuity that I’d been convincing myself that I’d been delusional, and that my ideas about love and relationships were childish and out dated. But, seeing the way Luke still loved his wife after years of being without her, made me realise that people still believed in the kind of love I’d always dreamed of. It was devastating that he’d lost it, but the fact he still wanted her back made me see how beautiful and pure his heart was. He gave me faith in humanity just by sharing his troubles with me out on the point in the rain, and I so wanted him to find happiness again. Luke deserved to be happy. He’d lost so much.

  “Pssst!”

  Knowing I needed to face the world again at some point, I got up and went over to my window.

  “What is it?” I asked, opening my window and leaning out to see Shea.

  “Catch,” she said, and without waiting for me to respond she threw a nylon rope up to me.

  Reflexively, I caught it, shrugging my shoulders as I held on to the tangled blue and white mass. “What the hell do you want me to do with this?”

  “Tie it on to something then throw it back.”

  I laughed. “You can’t be serious. Use the front door.”

  “Noa is entertaining. I’m not supposed to be seen.”

  Finding that strange, I frowned but shook it off. Their relationship was strange, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever understand their ways. I was learning to just accept their oddities and move on. Trying to figure it out just caused confusion in my own heart. “Why don’t you just slip out the back? You can come through my front door, mum is out, and even if she were home, she wouldn’t care. Don’t kill yourself trying to climb between two buildings like some sort of wannabe circus performer.”

  “Come on, Dawn,” she grinned. “A little danger is just part of the fun. Humour me.”

  Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t help but find her demeanour amusing. It was as though nothing in life affected her for more than a moment. The last time we’d seen each other, we’d touched, and we’d fought, then I hadn’t spoken to her for nearly a week. She was acting as though nothing had happened and was just looking toward the next thing to entertain her. I wondered what it would be like to think that way – to have such a freedom in your conscience that nothing mattered for long, to have the ability to simply let go of your troubles and smile in the face of it. I supposed that if I could learn anything from Shea that should be it.

  “Fine. But, just know this goes completely against my better judgement.” Then I looked around my room for a suitable anchor point. I decided on the leg of my heavy oak bedframe. That thing was a bitch to move and had four men puffing and grunting under the strain of getting it upstairs.

  “There, it’s done,” I told her as I threw the remaining rope back to her.

  She caught it with a grin and pulled back with her entire body, causing the rope to become taught as she disappeared from view and tied it off on her end.

  “I’m coming over,” she said, reaching above her to swing off the rope that I assumed she tied to the exposed beams along her ceiling. Satisfied that it could hold her weight, she stuck one leg out the window then the other.

  “I think this is a really bad idea.” My heart flew up into my throat as I envisioned her plummeting to her death on the ground below.

  “Live a little, Dawn.” She swung off the window ledge and walked her hands along the rope, one after the other as if she was a child on the monkey bars. The entire time, I had my hands over my face, my eyes peeking between my fingers, freaking out that she was going to fall. And the entire time, she had a broad smile on her face as if she were having the time of her life.

  Chalk and cheese.

  The moment she was close enough for me to touch, I reached out and grabbed her, helping her through the window then falling back on the floor in a thump, my hands on my forehead, relief washing over me that she’d made it.

  “Are you crazy?”

  She flopped on the floor beside me and looked up at the ceiling as well, still smiling. “No. I’m alive. Feel my heart.” Turning to me, she took my hand and held it against her chest. I could feel the thudding beneath my palm. “It was a rush.”

  “My heart’s going like that too. Except I don’t feel as though it was a rush. I feel sick because I thought you were going to make me watch you die.”

  Releasing my hand, she turned to her side. “You are way too uptight.”

  “I’m not. I’m simply careful.”

  She raised her eyebrows “Are you?”

  I turned to her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I saw you go straight from my house to Zeke’s.”

  “And?” My gaze flicked away from hers, I couldn’t look her straight in the eye.

  She waited a beat before she responded. “Perhaps you’re the one who should be elaborating.”

  Instantly, tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I thought I’d moved past crying over the disaster that was my first time, but the instant I was reminded, I felt awful all over again.

  I shook my head slightly and swallowed the tightness in my throat. “You were right. I have no idea what I want. I should have waited,” I whispered. “I…” I turned and looked at her, my eyes swimming as I felt this great need to talk through what had happened. “It was horrible.”

  “You had sex with him?”

  A tear fell from my eye and I nodded. “It hurt.”

  She reached out and ran her hand down the side of my head, combing her fingers through my hair. “Why did you do it?”

  I hesitated, but decided to simply speak the truth, she seemed to know things without me telling her anyway. “I wanted to prove to you that sex with someone you love meant something.”

  “But you’re not in love with Zeke are you?”

  “I don’t know anymore.” I closed my eyes and let out an unsteady breath. “It wasn’t what I was expecting.”

  “The first time can be hard. Especially if you rush it.”

  “He didn’t do any of the things I did with you. It wasn’t anything…”

  “Sometimes we have to tell them what we want, or they won’t know what to do.”

  I shook my head, tears falling out of my eyes. “Do you think this means I’m in love with you and I just don’t want to admit it?”

  She smiled as her fingertips brushed the side of my cheek. “You don’t love me, Dawn. And you don’t love, Zeke. You love someone else entirely.”

  “Who?” I asked, the knowledge tickled at the edge of my mind. I knew the an
swer, but I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t think it was possible.

  Moving toward me, she pressed a light kiss to my lips before moving to kiss my crying eyes then hold me against her chest. I listened to her heart beating and the vibration of her voice as she stroked my hair and spoke.

  “First, I think you need to learn to love yourself. And once you do, you’ll see them for who they are, and together, you’ll live happily ever after.”

  “I thought you didn’t believe in monogamy.”

  “I don’t,” she responded. “But, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in happy endings.”

  ***

  When I opened my eyes it was still dark inside my room. I seemed to be naturally waking before dawn no matter how much I wanted to stay in bed. Perhaps it was the surf calling to me? Although, I’d been neglecting my board of late and chosen to wallow instead.

  I rolled onto my back and stretched my arms above my head. Beside me, Shea was sleeping peacefully. Our shift to my bed had been more about comfort than anything of an intimate nature. We’d lain awake and talked for hours, falling asleep only when our eyes got too heavy to hold open.

  We didn’t do anything. We didn’t kiss. We didn’t touch. We just talked and then we slept. Our relationship seemed to be shifting. I was glad.

  Rolling to my side, I took a moment to really look at Shea. I struggled to identify what she was to me. I found her to be exceptionally beautiful, and while I enjoyed the things we’d done, it wasn’t something I craved. I felt a natural comfort with her, and I loved her mind and her spirit, and I enjoyed her company.

  Reaching out, I brushed a strand of hair away from her face and watched her as her eyelids shifted with REM sleep. I wondered what she was dreaming about and whether it was a good dream or a bad dream. I wanted it to be a good dream. I wanted her to wake up with a smile on her face. She was beautiful when she smiled.

  As the room lightened, I slid out of bed and moved over to the window, looking out to the water where I could see the white caps of breaking waves coming straight down the beach. I smiled because it meant you could surf in the cove, and I grabbed my swimsuit and a pair of shorts and a shirt, and headed to the bathroom to get ready.

  “Where are you going?” Shea asked sleepily as she watched me pull a jumper over my head when I was done.

  “Surfing,” I responded, feeling more like myself just by making the decision to get back on the board.

  She nodded and went back to sleep without further question, amusing me that she could so easily transition between sleep and wakefulness that way. I decided on my way to get my board from the wall in the garage that Shea had very quickly become my best friend. She was the first female best friend I’d ever had, and I supposed that’s what made her so special to me.

  As I opened the door that led from our house to the garage, I was surprised to see my mother’s car was still there. I hadn’t heard her come home last night after she said she was going out.

  Shrugging it off as an oversight, I took my board of its position on the wall and hit the button on the electric garage opener, ducking underneath it as soon as there was enough space.

  Since the wind was good on the beach closest to our house, I headed for the shortcut down the rocks at the end of the street, just past Shea’s house. The world seemed to glow a soft grey in the transition from night to day, turning everything into out of focus shapes without colour. Sound travelled further, seeming louder than it would during the day. I could hear the wind. I could hear the water. I could hear the click of a closing front door.

  Pausing slightly, I turned my head to the sound, half expecting that it was Shea returning to her home, or perhaps following me out. But it wasn’t Shea. It was my mother. She was leaving Shea’s house. Her shoes were in her hand. Her shirt was untucked, and her hair wasn’t brushed.

  “Dawn.” The surprise was evident in her voice when she saw me standing on the footpath, gaping at her, knowing immediately that she was the company Noa had been entertaining.

  I shook my head at her. Seeing her leave that house and knowing what she’d most likely done inside there felt wrong to me. I’d hoped that when dad cut us off that she’d quit jumping into bed with every guy who looked her way. But she was never going to change.

  She opened her mouth as if to say something to me. Perhaps she wanted to explain. Perhaps she was going to come up with some sort of excuse as to why she was sneaking out of my friend’s house in the early hours of the morning. But, I didn’t really want to hear it and simply turned away and continued toward the beach where I could already see a few people heading into the water.

  Instantly, I felt a little calmer and quickened my pace as the wind rushed past me, whipping at my hair and clothes and making it a little harder to hold my board straight.

  I headed to the centre of the beach where the waves were at their strongest, and on my way, I saw Luke’s car pull into the beach parking lot. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to see if he was OK. But, I still wasn’t sure where I stood with him. All I really knew was that he needed space to figure things out. So I continued along, keeping my eyes forward as if I didn’t see him, even though it pained me to do so.

  “Dawn.” The slamming of his car door echoed through the morning, and I stopped walking, turning to the sound. Glad he called to me.

  “Hey,” I said with a smile as I watched him walk to the boot of his car. I walked up the beach to join him.

  “Thanks for listening the other day.” There was a kindness in his voice that I took as a good sign. He reached back and pulled the long cord that secured his zip. I felt a sinking feeling when I realised I missed the part where his chest was bare and inwardly rolled my eyes at myself for even thinking that.

  “It’s what friends do for each other. That is, if you’ve changed your mind about hanging out.”

  He stood with his hand on the top of the boot, holding it up as he looked at me. “I owe you an apology, Dawn. The way I reacted last week was over the top. I shouldn’t have said all those things to you that morning, and I shouldn’t have turned you away that night.”

  I shrugged and chewed at my bottom lip. He’d hurt me, I couldn’t deny that. “A lot of what you said made sense. Even though I’m just a kid, I could still see that. I don’t want to make your life harder.”

  “You make my life better, Dawn. And you’re not just a kid. Everything you said about age and what people think not mattering was right. I’m trying to raise a kid who doesn’t worry about what others think about him, and there I was doing the same thing. I was an arsehole for putting you down the way I did. Actually, I was an arsehole for pretty much everything I said to you that day.” He shifted and ran his hand through his hair before releasing a heavy sigh. “I don’t know, I guess I just forget that you’re young so I hold you to a higher standard than I would anyone else your age. When you actually act your age, I don’t know, I guess it just surprises me is all. But then we talk again, like we did out at the point, and you talk to me like you know exactly what to say, exactly what I need to hear. And it reminds me how smart you are, and how easy you are to talk to, and how well we get along, and how well you seem to know me. I was an arsehole for trying to push you away.”

  Pressing my lips together, I nodded slowly, understanding what he was trying to say. We had a special friendship, he and I, and while it didn’t make sense on paper, in practice, the world was a better place when we were together.

  “Did you get any of the answers you were looking for that day?”

  “I think I did.” He reached inside the boot of his car as he continued to talk. “You were right, she’d want me to be happy. And, if it’s not too weird for you, she’d want me to give you this.” He held out a black wetsuit with a pink strip down the side.

  “This was hers?”

  He frowned a little and nodded. “I tried to teach her to surf, but she didn’t really take to it. You don’t have to keep it if it’s too weird; it can j
ust be a loaner until you can save up for your own. But, you need a wetsuit, and this is the best I could do. I’d like you to have it though as a peace offering. I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.” As I reached out and took the wetsuit, he looked away, appearing slightly forlorn as I held it up in front of me. “It should fit you.”

  “I don’t know what to say. Are you sure this doesn’t upset you?” He’d said he didn’t know how to move on or let go so, I knew that giving me the wetsuit had to be a huge deal to him. I didn’t know how to feel about it, but I was most definitely touched by the sentiment and wanted to be sure he was entirely sure about me wearing it.

  He gave a shrug of his shoulders as he shut the boot and moved to unclip the strap that secured his board to the roof of his car. “Just say thank you and put it on, Dawn. I’m fine.”

  “Thank you,” I said with a smile, and he nodded in return then went back to getting his board, while I pulled the wetsuit up my body. It was a snug fit but comfortable, although I struggled getting the zip up. “Shit. Can you?” I asked, turning my back to him as I twisted side to side and tried to free the stuck zip.

  Moving behind me, he inspected the zip, and I could feel his fingers brush against the skin on my back as he tried to get it moving. I got a tightening feeling in my chest as I always seemed to whenever Luke was in my personal space. I told myself it was because it was so unusual for him to be close to me, let alone touch me. Most of the time, he kept his distance.

  “There,” he said, when he had the zip moving again. “It’s been in storage for a while and was just a bit stiff.”

  “Thanks,” I said, letting out my breath as I turned to face him and ran my hands down the side of the fitted suit. “

  There was something strange in his eyes as he quickly took in my appearance then looked away. “Looks good.” He cleared his throat and tucked his board under his arm.

  I was worried seeing me in her suit was too much for him as I held my hands at my ribs while I adjusted to the tightness of the suit. She was obviously smaller than I was. I also didn’t know how to feel about wearing something that belonged to her. As a whole, the situation felt…awkward. But to get past it, I knew we needed to talk. I’d known Luke for a couple of years, and it had only been recently that he’d even broached the subject of his wife with me. I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to know more about what he was like when he was with her. I wanted to know how she died.