In the Wind

by Lilliana Anderson

  “What happened to her, Luke? You don’t talk about her a lot. I’d like to know about her.”

  He looked toward the surf. “I talk about her a lot actually, especially to Sam. For some reason, I don’t know why, I just haven’t spoken about her with you too much.” His gaze shifted to meet mine, and with the sun starting to rise, I could see the green in his irises along with the grief-tinged intensity of his expression. “It’s a pretty simple story. Boy meets girl, they get married and have a kid…Her name was Alexis. I called her Ally. I met her one day when I was in the city. I used to manage a nightclub in there. We dated for a bit then got married, and I moved out West where she was from. Then we had Sam and we talked about moving back here for the fresh air and seaside lifestyle.” He let out a heavy breath and looked away again. “So, we came back to look at houses, bought one. Then about six months later, she died during one of those storms. You know, like the one we had at the beginning of summer when your friend moved here?” I nodded. “Ally was out swimming, thinking it was just a normal rainy day, and it the storm just hit so suddenly.” Frowning, he shook his head. “She washed up the next morning, and…well, everything went to shit after that. I quit working in the city and moved houses so mum could help with Sam. I wanted to fall apart, but I had Sam, so I just kept going, one day at a time. Ally would have hated it if I fell apart because she was gone. She’d probably hate that I still have all of her stuff boxed up in the garage instead of donating to the Salvo’s. But, she’d be glad I pulled out the wetsuit for you. She was always the first person offering to lend something if someone needed it. She was a good woman, and she would have liked you. I know she would have liked you.”

  “I probably would have liked her too. Seems you’re a fairly good judge of character.”

  “You think?” He smiled.

  “Well, you’re friends with me, right?”

  He released a short laugh and nodded. “If you’ll still have me.”

  I met his eyes and gave him a meaningful smile. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

  As we walked down to the water together, I thought about everything he’d told me. His wife had drowned. I’d had a feeling after I spoke to him out on the Point, but now I understood why he’d gotten so angry with me when I stayed under the water. I’d reminded him of what happened and made him scared that I might drown too. “I’m sorry for scaring you that day, Luke. I’m sorry for staying under the water.”

  Luke looked at me gravely and nodded. “Just don’t do it again?” I nodded and he gave me a small smile followed by a sigh. “Well, now that I’ve depressed the fuck out of the both us, are you ready to catch some waves?”

  “Absolutely.” Then we entered the water together, each of us quiet with the weight of his loss as we paddled out beyond the breakers. I thought about what that must be like, losing someone you were in love with, but really, it was unimaginable unless you’d experienced such a thing. I thought Luke was so strong to keep going day after day, knowing his wife would never come home. He was quickly becoming the person I admired most and I’d hated going a full week without his friendship. I never wanted to do anything to jeopardise his friendship again. He was too important to me.

  20

  “I was thinking,” Luke said as he towelled off back at his car when we were finished surfing for the morning. I’d pulled my wetsuit down to my waist and had my towel wrapped around my shoulders as I squeezed out my hair and let the drips fall onto the asphalt at my feet.

  “Did it hurt?” I grinned at him, watching as he did my favourite part of every surfing session and pulled his wetsuit down to his waist.

  He laughed and did exactly what I was waiting for. I tried to watch without staring, and tried to pretend my fingertips didn’t tingle every time I saw that bronzed skin and watched him dry it off.

  “Shockingly, no, it didn’t hurt.” Luke continued to talk as he got changed. Like most surfers, Luke had mastered the art of wrapping himself in a towel and getting out of his wetsuit and into dry pants without anybody seeing anything in the process. “But it might help you.”

  “How so?” I asked as I pulled the rest of my wetsuit off and offered it back to him in case he’d changed his mind.

  He shook his head. “Keep it.” The he went on. “I can get you a job if you want one.”

  “A job? Like, at The Palms?”

  “I can get you something within the hotel. We always need help, especially over the summer season. And the money’s good. It will mean you can save up to pay for your books, and your fees at Uni. I’m assuming you got your grades back already.”

  I nodded, and looked down, still feeling a little sad that my plans couldn’t be what they were. But, at the same time, I knew there was another way. Luke had helped me see that.

  “You’re still planning to go to Uni, right?”

  “I suppose, yeah.”

  “You suppose? Dawn, I can’t count the amount of times I’ve told you how smart I think you are, so let’s just add this one to the tally. You are the smartest girl I’ve ever known, and I will seriously pick you up and force you to go to university if I have to. Don’t let a little thing like money get in the way of becoming a big deal in this world. You’ll regret it everyday if you don’t.” He closed the boot of his car with a shirt in his hand and moved so he was in front of me then leaned up against the car as he pulled his shirt over his head and folded his arms across his broad chest.

  “You’re right, and I will go. It’s just; I applied to UTS and Sydney for first round offers. Wollongong is my back up.”

  “And?”

  “And, my marks were good, so I’m likely to get first round offers from the top two.”

  “I don’t understand how this is a problem.”

  “I can’t afford to live near UTS or Sydney.”

  “You know there’s this thing called a train, right?”

  “Of course I do. An hour and a half each way.”

  “Dawn,” he said, stepping toward me and placing his hands on my shoulders. “If you want something, you have to find a way to make it happen. Looking for problems will only make you fail. Use that big brain of yours. If you really don’t want to commute, I’m sure there’ll be people in need of a roommate somewhere within a half hour radius. You can do this. Don’t be such a defeatist.”

  “Who’s a defeatist?” I turned my head to see Shea smiling as she approached us.

  Luke quickly released my shoulders and leaned back up against his car, again folding his arms. “Your friend is. She’s…” I shot him a warning look that I hope told him that Shea had no idea about my money problems. It had been hard enough admitting it to him; I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else yet, not until I knew exactly what I was doing, anyway. His eyes flashed with something – understanding, disappointment? I wasn’t sure, but when he turned back to Shea, he altered what he’d been about to say. “Dawn seems to think she’ll never do a 360 off the backside. I keep telling her she just needs to get more air.”

  Giving him what I hoped was a grateful look, I turned to Shea. “I keep wiping out on the landing.”

  Shea laughed. “I have no idea what any of that means, but it sounds like Luke knows what he’s talking about. I think you should listen to him.”

  With a smile, Luke stood up. “See, even your friend thinks you should listen to me.” Then he moved around to the driver side of the car and let us know he had to get home. We watched him drive off and waved him goodbye. I felt bad that he seemed unhappy about covering for me, and hoped he wasn’t going to be angry with me again because of it. I didn’t like it when Luke wasn’t happy with me.

  The moment he was out of sight, Shea slipped her arm in mine and smiled. “Dawn. That man!” she gasped as I picked up my board and began to walk back home with Shea beside me.

  “Luke? What about him?”

  “He is…oh my god, Dawn. I saw him before he put his shirt on and even from a distance.” She grinned and shook her head. “He is ripp
ed.”

  “So?”

  “So he obviously likes you.”

  “And?”

  “And you obviously like him.”

  “No I don’t,” I denied straight away, causing her to laugh. “I’ve already told you we’re just friends. And we almost weren’t that anymore until a couple of days ago. Please don’t do any of your man voodoo on him.”

  “My man voodoo?” She laughed at the notion. “Listen, you can deny it all you want, but there’s a reason Zeke always teased you about Luke being your boyfriend, and there’s a reason you’re hanging around him, and why you were so upset when you thought he didn’t want to be friends anymore. You like him. And I don’t blame you.”

  “He thinks I’m too young for him, and he’s still mourning the loss of his wife. There’s nothing more than friendship going on. Besides, I’m supposed to be in love with Zeke.”

  “And you’ve been questioning it a lot lately. I think you love the idea of Zeke. I think you feel safe with Zeke. He was a good choice for your first time. But your chemistry lies with surfer boy – I mean, man. How old is he again?”

  “Thirty-five.”

  “Thirty-five,” she repeated. “Take it from me, Dawn, older men are so much better than boys our own age.”

  I pulled my arm from hers and quickened my pace, growing annoyed at the way she was talking about Luke’s and my friendship. “That’s not how it is between us. Please leave this alone. He’s my friend. That’s all.”

  She skipped ahead of me and turned so she was walking backwards facing me. “Well, if that’s the case, you won’t mind me trying for him.”

  My mouth fell open as a sense of panic roiled around in my stomach. I didn’t want her anywhere near him. “Stay away from him, Shea. He doesn’t need your games or your relationship wisdom. He’s a good man.”

  A smile spread across her face. “There it is,” she said.

  “There what is?”

  “You practically pushed Zeke and I to do that hang gliding course together, which, thanks for asking, we didn’t finish because we were too busy fulfilling other…pursuits to take our exams.”

  I stopped walking. I didn’t want to know this. I didn’t want to know what they did when I wasn’t around. It was hard enough knowing that I wasn’t Zeke’s first time. I didn’t want to know that’s he’d been doing exactly what I was afraid of him doing. Why was she doing this? “He said nothing was going on between you two.”

  “There isn’t. I made it clear that we weren’t an item. I told him I didn’t want it to affect yours and my friendship. He said that you’d told him to, and I quote, ‘Go for it’ if he was interested in me. He said you two talked about it at the bonfire and you were fine with it.”

  I clamped my mouth shut, having nothing to say in response, because it was true. I hadn’t meant it, but I still said it. I told him to go for it. I didn’t think he would though…

  “That’s when I told him that it would matter. I told him you were in love with him and that he was stupid if he didn’t see it.”

  I felt betrayed. “You said what? Why would you tell him that? Why would you say that and then fuck him anyway?”

  “Don’t be angry, Dawn. He’s just a boy with big dick. He likes to get it wet whenever he can.”

  Her response made it sound so dirty and meaningless. “You’re supposed to be my friend, Shea. I can’t believe you had sex with him. If you were worried about me, why did you do it at all?”

  She shrugged. “I had sex with you too.”

  “What? No we didn’t.”

  “Sex isn’t always intercourse, Dawn. I touched. You came. It was sex. So really, you’re both even.”

  “Is that why you did that? To make us even?”

  She laughed. “No, Dawn. I did you both because it’s what I do. I fuck people, and I have a good time doing it. No apologies. No commitment.”

  “Except with Noa, right? You’re committed to him. But, he isn’t committed to you. Did you know he was with my mother last night?”

  Something flitted across her features. It looked a lot like hurt. I was glad. She’d just hurt me and now I hurt her. She couldn’t just do whatever she wanted without consequence. There was always a consequence. “He can do whomever he likes,” she said, and I remembered her saying the same thing the last time I told her about him going out with my mother on the night of the bonfire. Not long after that, she’d gotten drunk and taken two guys home that had been the catalyst for that huge fight I’d heard them having.

  “Why do you let him do this to you?”

  “I don’t let him do anything. We have an understanding. I’m fine with the way things are.”

  “An understanding? Seems to me, he’s off doing whatever he wants while you stay at home, giving him whatever he wants, when he wants, and when he doesn’t want it, you act out. You fuck people you don’t care about and you try to make him notice you. You try to make him choose only you.”

  “I act out? You think that’s why I’m with you? You think I was acting out because he was seeing your mother?”

  I hadn’t thought about that. But suddenly, I thought perhaps she had.

  “Did you?”

  She laughed, and it was a hollow sound, the bells were gone and it was as if her façade had slipped. “Of course. It’s all a game, Dawn. All of it. It’s just a game.” The light and beauty that shone from her had fallen away, and in it’s place was a bitterness that felt cold. Finally, I was seeing her without her mask, and it hurt me to see that the person I thought was my friend look at me as though she thought I was a joke.

  “What are you talking about?” I was growing confused by her shift in demeanour. I’d seen glimpses of it before – this wild look in her eyes where she seemed more feline than human. A predator. But, it was the first time I’d seen it out in the open. I had to wonder if this was really her or if she was cracking under the realisation that Noa was most likely having a relationship with my mother.

  She looked around and gestured to the world around her. “All of this. You. Me. Zeke. Him. Your mother, and the woman who runs the flower shop. It’s all a game. It’s what Noa and I do. We fuck around. We mess with people’s lives and then we leave. But we always, always leave together. And we laugh at you all for believing in love and fairy tales, and all that bullshit you’re looking for. It makes it so easy, Dawn. You’re naivety, it made you so, damn, easy.”

  I couldn’t help it. My hand flew up and slapped hard against her cheek. Her head snapped to the side and immediately, a red bloom took over her smooth golden skin. She laughed at me.

  All at once I was seeing her for who she was – an insecure girl who was trying to get the attention of her father figure by any means possible. She was playing games with people’s feelings. And so was he. It was kind of sick.

  For a long time, I just glared at her, while she continued to laugh, and when I finally spoke, my voice held none of the anger I thought it would. Instead, it held pity. “I’d wanted to be your friend, Shea. And if I’m honest with myself, I didn’t mind the idea of being your lover. If all of this was just a game – a game for you and Noa to laugh about – then I feel so incredibly sorry for the both of you, and I feel sad for your soul. Using people like that, Shea, it just turns your soul black. Do me a favour – you don’t call me, and I won’t call you.”

  “Zeke doesn’t love you. He just fucked you because I told him to.” Her response was like a twist to the knife she’d already plunged into my chest. But, I refused to become upset. I simply pressed my lips together and forced a smile.

  “Goodbye, Shea,” I said, then I turned and walk away and with every step, it felt as though my heart broke in my chest as her words really sunk in. I’d been so jealous of her, so enamoured by her easy way with others. I’d watched her with childlike wonder and felt empowered by her attentions. It had all been a cruel joke. I didn’t understand how someone else could find sport in treating other people that way. Even worse, I couldn’t unders
tand how I could be so easily duped. She’d really made me feel as though I was someone special. Now, I just felt like a fool, and worse, I didn’t know who to trust. Did I trust Shea, or did I trust Zeke? I so wanted her to be wrong. I wanted everything she said to have been a lie. I wanted Zeke to want me, not her. I wanted him to have chosen me, not because he was told to, but because he actually wanted something real with me, just like I’d always wanted from him. I didn’t know what to believe anymore. I wanted answers. For once, I wanted to know, I wanted to know everything that had been going on behind my back. I was tired of being played for a fool. I needed to find out exactly who my friends were, once and for all.

  21

  Rushing through the door, intent on getting out of my swimsuit so I could go and question Zeke, I almost walked straight past my mother. She was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of her, freshly showered and dressed impeccably. Had I not seen her walk of shame with my own eyes, I would never have known she’d spent last night being entertained by a certain Belgian while his stepdaughter pretended to be my best friend for fun.

  “I need to talk to you,” my mother said, her legs crossed elegantly in front of her. She reminded me of her old self. The one I hadn’t seen in a long time. The one who was married to my father. She wore tailored white pants and a sapphire blue silk sleeveless blouse. Perfect hair. Perfect make-up. I was instantly concerned.

  “Can it wait until I’ve had a shower?” I gestured to the fact that I was standing in my swimming costume with a towel wrapped around my waist, having left the board and wetsuit in the entry on the way in.