No. She had enough grief to deal with without letting her imagination heap more on her plate. She wouldn’t dwell on the possibility of John moving to Wynborough. She’d wait until he made a decision regarding his and Jeremiah’s future, then make her own choices as to what to do.
Somehow…somehow, Laura thought sleepily, she had to figure out what was the best thing for her to do.
At last exhaustion claimed her, and she drifted off into a restless slumber.
John smoothed the blanket over Jeremiah, then stood quietly by the crib, losing track of time as he watched his son sleep.
With a sigh, John finally turned, left the room and wandered into the living room. He slouched onto the sofa, stretched his jeans-clad legs out in front of him and stared into the glowing embers of the ebbing fire in the hearth.
He couldn’t sleep, had tossed and turned until the sheets on the bed were a tangled mess. After yanking on his jeans, he’d gone to check on Jeremiah, but now couldn’t face returning to that empty bed.
“Damn,” he said.
He missed Laura. There it was. Bottom line. Pure and simple.
The entire evening had been difficult to get through without Laura there sharing it all with him and Jeremiah. He’d made a decent dinner from leftovers he found in the refrigerator, played with Jeremiah, bathed him, read him a story and put him to bed, acutely aware every moment that Laura wasn’t there.
Once Jeremiah had been asleep, the loneliness had hit him like a ton of bricks. The walls of the cabin had seemed to close in on him, crushing him, taunting him with the knowledge that he was alone.
John dragged both hands down his face.
This was crazy. He’d spent his entire adult life alone, had preferred it that way, had functioned just fine on his own with no one demanding his time and attention.
He completed each top-secret assignment he was directed to take on, then waited for new orders to reach him.
But then, everything changed.
His world, his life as he knew it, had been turned inside out when he’d received word of Jeremiah’s existence. He’d sent a telegram to the powers-that-be, stating that he was resigning immediately, and then he’d come home to claim his son.
And on the night before he saw and held Jeremiah for the first time, he’d met Laura Bishop in Jake’s Saloon.
Lovely Laura. So honest and real, she was able to touch him deep within like no woman before. How right it had all been; the sharing of his innermost thoughts and fears, the pouring out of his most private feelings.
And how very, very right it had been to make love with Laura that night. So rare and beautiful, it had been. All of it.
The fantasy should have ended with the light of dawn. He should have been able to walk away, knowing he’d never see Laura again, savoring the memories of an incredible night with a fantastic and unique woman.
He would have been John Colton of the Rocking C Coltons. A man who was now a single father and who was determined to do the very best job he could in that daunting new role.
He would have focused his entire attention and emotional energies on being a daddy, determining where to raise Jeremiah, how to make a living as he established roots for himself and his son.
That whole scenario would have been a tremendous challenge, an all-consuming endeavor.
“Hell,” John muttered, “that was just the tip of the iceberg.”
Now? What a mess. Laura had still been very much in his life in the light of the new day. He’d been slam-dunked by the disclosure that he wasn’t just John Colton of The Rocking C Ranch, but Prince James Wyndham of Wynborough. He had another set of parents, four sisters, brothers-in-law, a fancy title and…
And raging emotions centered on Laura Bishop that left him drained and confused beyond measure.
Too much was happening to him too quickly, John thought, shaking his head. He was running in mental circles, accomplishing nothing more than exhausting his brain.
One minute, he wanted to snatch Jeremiah up and head out, just disappear to somewhere they couldn’t be found.
In the next breath, he was chatting comfortably with Alexandra, his sister, about the possibility of taking Jeremiah to Wynborough. During that conversation he had been—had felt like—James Wyndham.
John Colton. James Wyndham. The Rocking C. The island of Wynborough. Back and forth, like a never-ending, maddening Ping-Pong game that was driving him right out of his mind.
And through it all, from before Mitch had knocked on the cabin door with reality in tow and after, Laura had been there by his side, sharing it all.
Together, they’d seen Jeremiah take his first steps.
Together, they’d responded as Jeremiah lifted his little arms and called for Dada, or Mama, or Doggy, or his ball.
Together, they’d made exquisitely beautiful love when the time came for them to be woman and man, instead of mother and father.
“Mother,” John said aloud. “Jeremiah’s mother.”
Laura was a wonderful, natural, loving mother to his son. The week the three of them had spent in that cabin had been perfection. John, the father. Laura, the mother. Jeremiah, the baby. Just like the three bears in the fairy tale.
But there was the kicker. It was all a fantasy.
And now it was over.
For Laura to truly have the title of Jeremiah’s mother, she should be his wife. They should be married, exchange vows to love each other until death parted them.
But that would never happen because he didn’t know how to love like that, didn’t know how to be a husband, how to make someone happy.
Even if he was in love with Laura right now, and he didn’t have a clue as to whether or not that was true, he wouldn’t dare do one thing about it. He couldn’t begin to be for Laura what she deserved.
No matter what the Coltons had told him all these years, he knew—damn it, he knew—that he’d fallen short as a son and brother. If he acknowledged his identity as James Wyndham, he’d fail that family, too, just wouldn’t measure up to being what they wanted, needed, him to be.
He just didn’t know how to love deeply enough to really connect, to give as much as he took.
That cold, glaring flaw that was part of who he was meant that he had no future with Laura, no matter what his true feelings for her might be. She was out of his reach forever.
He was who he was…and it wasn’t enough.
John leaned forward and picked up a red ball that was visible on the floor in the soft glow of the embers of the fire. He turned the ball around and around in his hands, staring at it, as new and strange thoughts began to sift slowly into his mind.
A child’s toy. He’d never held a child’s toy before , but now this small red ball was a familiar object.
He knew how fast to roll it to Jeremiah and how the baby would react when the ball reached him.
He knew the ball was a safe toy, made of material that Jeremiah could chomp on without pieces of it becoming loose to possibly choke him.
He knew that to play with that ball with Jeremiah made his son happy, caused the little boy to laugh in delight and clap his tiny hands.
He knew all those important facts about a small red ball because inch by inch, day by day, he was learning how to be a loving father.
John stiffened, dropped the ball and heard the echo of his suddenly thundering heart in his ears. A trickle of sweat ran down his bare chest.
Was it possible that a man like him could learn how to truly love a woman like Laura? Could he learn to be all that she deserved to have in her partner in life? Could he make her happy? Learn how to give as much as he took?
Was there a chance that he wouldn’t live out his life alone, without Laura by his side?
“Whoa. Wait,” John said, shaking his head. “Whoa, Colton.”
First things first. Before he went any further with this crazy business, he’d better figure out just how deeply his feelings for Laura went.
How did a man know if he was in
love?
He didn’t have a clue as to the answer to that one. But he knew someone who did…Mitch.
John got to his feet and headed back to bed.
He was definitely certifiably insane. Heaven knew, he had enough on his plate to deal with and here he was serving himself up a heap of emotional questions he was now determined to find the answers to. Nuts. He was totally nuts.
In the bedroom John stripped off his jeans, pulled the sheets into a semblance of order and stretched out on the bed.
As he drew the blanket over him, exhaustion began to creep over his senses.
If someone had told him a few weeks ago that he would be a father who loved his baby son beyond description, he would have laughed himself silly.
But here he was, he thought foggily. He was Jeremiah’s daddy and savoring, cherishing, every minute of his new role. Not only that, he wasn’t doing a halfway bad job as a father because he was learning how to sense, then meet, his son’s needs.
Maybe, just maybe, he was capable of more. Maybe, just maybe, if he was actually in love with Laura Bishop, he could continue to grow and change.
Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to learn how to love.
John slept, and dreamed of Laura.
The next day was surprisingly warm with a brilliant blue sky and a golden globe of a sun.
In the early afternoon, John stood by one of the white-fenced corrals and watched Mitch walking a horse inside the enclosure with Jeremiah perched in front of him on the saddle.
“Not so fast,” John said.
“If I go any slower,” Mitch said, “this animal will fall asleep. I’m holding on to Jeremiah, John. We’re doing fine here. Say ‘horse,’ Jeremiah.”
“Horse,” Jeremiah yelled. “Horse. Horse.”
John chuckled. “Yep, that’s a horse, in all its ugly glory.”
“You should be doing this with your boy, John,” Mitch said.
“Forget it,” John said. “I never liked those beasts and they never liked me.”
“Well, don’t blame me if I turn your kid into a rancher, little brother. Jeremiah is really having a grand old time up here.”
“Jeremiah will be free to be whatever he wants, whatever he needs, to be happy,” John said quietly.
“That’s the Colton philosophy,” Mitch said. “You’re proof of that.”
“Yeah, I know,” John said. “I’m starting to get the picture of how much you and our parents…well, love me, and showed that love by letting me go when I needed to leave.”
Mitch drew the horse to a stop by John and handed Jeremiah over the fence.
“Horse,” Jeremiah hollered.
“That’s enough for one day,” John said, setting Jeremiah on his feet.
Jeremiah grabbed the corral slat, then dropped to his bottom and began to pull handfuls of scrub grass out of the ground. Mitch swung down from the saddle.
“He’s a great kid, John,” Mitch said.
“Yeah, he is.” John paused. “Mitch, I want to ask you something. This is just between us. Okay?”
Mitch folded his arms on the top rung of the fence. “Sure.”
“I was just wondering…What I mean is…” John frowned and cleared his throat. “All right, here it is. How did you know, really know, that you were in love with Alex?”
Mitch looked at John for a long moment, then nodded.
“Well, I’ll tell you, John, in some ways it’s so complicated, it boggles the mind. But in other ways it’s beautifully simple.”
“Cut to the chase,” John said gruffly.
“Right. You miss her when you’re not with her,” Mitch said, “and anticipate the very second that you’ll see her again. You feel…complete somehow, whole, not having realized until she came into your life that something was missing.”
“Oh…man,” John said, staring at his brother.
“Lovemaking is far beyond anything you’ve previously experienced,” Mitch went on. “You automatically think in terms of ‘we,’ of what you’ll do ‘together’ today, tomorrow, forever. You know you would put your life on the line for her, die if need be, to keep her out of harm’s way.”
John nodded, hardly breathing.
“And, John?” Mitch said. “When her face lights up with a smile because you did nothing more than walk into the room, you feel ten feet tall. You made her happy just by…by being there. That, brother, is love in its purest, wondrous form.”
“Oh…hell,” John said, letting out a pent-up breath.
“You’re in love with Laura Bishop.”
“I didn’t say that,” John said, glaring at him.
“You didn’t have to,” Mitch said, smiling. “So? What are you going to do about it?”
John looked down at Jeremiah to be certain that the baby wasn’t eating the grass he was still busily yanking up, then met Mitch’s gaze again.
“Don’t get carried away, Mitch. Alex obviously felt all those things about you. And another thing…how do you plan to keep making her happy, keep it all so special? How does a man remain in love until he dies?”
“One day at a time,” Mitch said. “Just the way our parents are doing it.” He paused. “In your case, both sets of your parents. Gabriella and Phillip are very much in love. You can see it, sense it, when you’re with them.”
“I’ve got a knot in my gut that says I’m treading on turf where I don’t belong,” John said.
“It’s terrifying at times, no doubt about it,” Mitch said, nodding. “But worth it? You’d better believe it. Don’t let the fears keep you from going after what you want, John.”
“Yeah, well, like I said, Alexandra loves you in return.”
“How do you know that Laura isn’t in love with you?” Mitch said, raising his eyebrows.
“She as much as said so,” he said. “You know, saying that what we’d shared was over, it was time to go our separate ways, the whole nine yards.”
“All of that sounds more like what you might say,” Mitch said. “Are you certain she wasn’t just echoing what she believes you feel?”
John opened his mouth to reply, snapped it closed again and frowned.
“Only one way to find out,” Mitch said. “It’s time you went courting, little brother.”
“Think so?”
“Know so.”
“Mitch, I’m not like you, or our folks. Do you really believe that a solitary man like me could learn how to love, do it right?”
“Dada,” Jeremiah said, raising his arms.
John bent down and scooped up the baby.
“There’s the answer to that question,” Mitch said, tipping his head toward Jeremiah.
John shook his head and sighed. “My mind’s on red-alert overload.”
“I don’t doubt that, considering everything you’re dealing with all of a sudden,” Mitch said. “But I’ve got twenty bucks that says your heart is on overload, too. And that, brother mine, is the best thing that has ever happened to you.”
Chapter Eleven
John returned to the cabin and settled Jeremiah in the crib for his afternoon nap. When the baby had been asleep for about an hour, a knock sounded at the cabin door. John crossed the room to answer the summons.
“Laura,” he said, unable to curb the delighted smile that broke across his face.
“Hello, John,” she said quietly.
“Come in, come in,” he said, stepping back to allow her to enter.
Laura hesitated a moment, then stepped into the living room. John stared at her intently.
Was he in love with this woman? he wondered frantically. Everything that Mitch had clicked off had sure as hell rung true in regard to how he felt about Laura.
And how did Laura truly feel about him? She wanted, needed, her rainbow wish, that much he knew. But was that wish of a loving husband, a soul mate forever, a home and babies, centered on him despite what she’d said about everything they’d shared being over?
Had Laura been echoing the ground rules he’d l
aid out regarding their relationship as Mitch had suggested might be the case?
How was he going to find the answer about how deeply Laura cared for him? He couldn’t just open his mouth and say, “Hey, Laura, do you happen to be in love with me? The evidence is stacking up pretty high as far as me probably being in love with you, so I’d really like to know if—” Cripe. That was nuts. This was going to call for some finesse, some fancy footwork.
“Would you like to sit down?” John said, sweeping one arm through the air.
“No, thank you. I just came to deliver a message,” Laura said, not looking at him. “Betty asked me to come because she’s busy with preparations for dinner.”
“Oh. What’s the message?”
“Elizabeth and Rafe just arrived at the house.”
“Who?” John said, frowning.
“Your…your sister, Elizabeth, and her husband, Rafe Thorton. They were just married. Remember?”
“Oh, yeah, sure,” he said, nodding. “Everyone went to Wynborough for the wedding while you stayed on The Rocking C to wait for me.” He paused. “Why aren’t Elizabeth and Rafe on their honeymoon somewhere?”
“Rafe owns a construction company here in Arizona. They came to The Rocking C to meet you,” Laura said, still not meeting John’s gaze.
“Oh. Well, all right, but I can’t leave the cabin now. Jeremiah is napping.”
“Betty would like you and Jeremiah to join everyone for dinner at the house. You could come as soon as Jeremiah wakes up.”
“Okay,” John said.
“Good. ’Bye.” Laura spun around and started toward the door.
“Laura, wait,” John said.
She turned to look at him. “Yes?”
“Couldn’t you sit down and talk for a minute?”
“About what?” she said, frowning.
“About…um…yes, Jeremiah’s birthday.” John smiled. “He’ll be a year old next week. We ought to plan a party for him, don’t you think? You know, cake, ice cream, balloons…yeah, balloons are important…and presents, lots of loot. We need to get organized. It’s not every day of the week that a kid turns one. We have to decide—”
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