(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  My foot hooked the belt, sending me, arms flailing, out the door. I fell into Zach’s waiting arms. As if he somehow knew I would need him to catch me. I didn’t have to look up to know a giant smirk was spread across his face.

  Not only did his arms look different, but they felt different too. Bigger, stronger, but just as warm as they always had been. The spicy scent of him entered my senses and memories of the night he’d carried me to bed started to come back.

  “I’ll never let go.” His breath shot chills up my spine as the words echoed in my mind.

  I pushed my hands against his chest, trying to get as much distance from him as I could. “Now we both know that’s a lie.” With my eyes glued on him and an intensity inside of me I didn’t know I possessed, I shoved past him.

  ***

  I hated Zach’s ability to not let things bother him. While I eye-rolled and clenched my fists, he goofed off with my brother. Seriously, how could two relatively grown boys find pleasure in racing wheelbarrows?

  So what if I was being antisocial? I was pissed. I just didn’t exactly know why. I tried to convince myself it was because Zach had thwarted my plans, but it was more than that. The fact that he whispered those stupid words so carelessly in my ear sparked a fire deep within me. What gave him the right to bring up something from our past like that? Something that had meaning once upon a time?

  “Liz, jump in!” Zach yelled as he ran towards me with the wheelbarrow. Was he crazy? There was no way I was getting in that thing. Besides, couldn’t he tell I was pissed at him? He’d just uttered words into my ears that were strictly off-limits. They belonged in the past. And he blurted them out like it was yesterday when we were cuddled up on my bed watching Titanic.

  He didn’t just let go either. Oh no. He tossed me into the sea to be eaten by sharks. At least in the movie Jack had the decency to die. That’s an excuse I could understand. What was Zach’s? Who the heck knew?

  “Come on, get in.”

  I kept walking, hoping he’d get the hint and disappear.

  Where was Josh when I needed him? Too busy flirting with the girl at the weigh-in station. Of course.

  “What happened to the fun girl I used to know?”

  You left her behind. You broke her heart and turned her from fun and spontaneous to practical and structured. I couldn’t be taken by surprise when my life was on a one-way track.

  “She disappeared, but you know all about that, so maybe you can go find her. Tell you what. You go ahead and let me know how it goes.” I went to turn away, but stopped. “Better yet, I don’t need to know. Just go.”

  “Lizzi . . . Liz, come on. Is this how it’s going to be?” His hand rested on my elbow and it took every ounce of my being to ignore the heat that shot through my arm directly to my heart. “You can’t hate me forever,” he said, breath hot against my ear, his cologne invading my senses.

  I turned around, ready to tear into him. Tell him I could hate him forever and would because he abandoned me. But my eyes settled on his, and I melted. All anger was lost in the cool autumn breeze as I looked into the eyes of the only boy who I ever truly loved.

  It was all Sadie’s fault. It might have been obvious, but I was doing a darn good job of hiding from the truth until she gave me no choice but to face it. Damn her for being too perceptive a friend.

  A chunk of hair blew into my face, momentarily obstructing my view of Zach and those magnetic eyes. It was my cue to pull away. The connection was severed and I had my chance to dive into the pumpkin field and hide amongst the families. But he reached his hand out and moved the hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear.

  A warm, familiar tingle spread up my neck and into my cheeks. After all this time my body still reacted to his touch in the exact same way it always had. My pulse quickened and my breathing became shallow.

  His lips were dangerously close and I wanted to feel them more than my next breath. He ran his hand to the end of my strand taking it in between his fingers and I thought I would combust. “I like the blond streaks. They look good on you.”

  I sucked in a calming breath. “Thanks. I just wanted a change,” I said, hoping the words wouldn’t show how he was affecting me.

  “Change can be good.” My hair fell through his fingers and he pulled his hand back to his side. Part of me was relieved, but the other part was disappointed. “So Joe Resnick, huh?”

  Huh? “Yes! Joe.” My boyfriend, the man I loved in a mature type of way.

  “He doesn’t deserve you, you know.”

  My eyes shot up, ears burning in frustration. He was unfreakinbelievable!

  “No, I don’t know, Zach. But what I do know is he would never leave me. He’d be man enough to come to me and end things instead of just vanishing from my life.” I allowed him one last look at my face so he could read the emotion running through my mind and then I stomped away.

  I wouldn’t take any more of Zach’s crap. And the fact that I’d actually thought about kissing him . . . what was I thinking? Apparently I wasn’t.

  All I wanted was to spend some time with my brother before he left to go back to his dream school. And I wanted to go pumpkin picking, damn it! Instead I was trying to blend in with the vegetables in the farmers’ market.

  Being five foot five, it was kind of hard to blend in with the cucumbers and tomatoes, so I took my pissy self to the corn maze, paid the three-dollar entrance fee and disappeared into the long green stalks.

  Zach didn’t even know Joe. What, he’d had a class with him back in the seventh grade? Not exactly grounds for such a bold statement.

  Besides, what did he know about what was and wasn’t good for me? He’d been MIA, a complete void in my life for a long time. The cashier at the bagel store had a better idea about what was good for me than he did.

  Just because you loved someone once doesn’t mean you know everything about them forever. And to top it off he had the nerve to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. He lost that right when he stopped calling. But instead of telling him that, I’d fallen under his stupid spell.

  I came to a fork in the maze, but before I could choose which path would bring me farther into the stalks I was hit by a corn missile. I bent low and took cover behind a scarecrow. The ground beneath me was littered with discarded corn, perfect to return fire.

  An ear of corn struck the scarecrow in front of me. Whoever these kids were, they meant business. With determination running through my veins, I picked up the piece that landed on the ground and chucked it back in the direction it came from.

  As it flew through the air, I ran. I found a fork in the maze and hung right.

  Loud thunks followed me as I maneuvered through the thick stalks. Every now and again when I was brave enough I stopped, turned and launched one back.

  Somewhere between the corn missiles and the running for cover, I forgot to be pissed. Everything that happened earlier faded farther away with each twist in the maze.

  My mouth twitched, and I started laughing so hard it became difficult to run. Gasping for breath, I stopped, bent over, and let the laughter take over.

  “Truce. Truce!” I waved my scarf in the air to signify the end of our game. I wanted to meet the kids that gave me the day I had hoped for. The day Zach had single-handedly ruined.

  I’d buy them a caramel apple. They deserved it more than my door-closing, ex-boyfriend-inviting brother anyway.

  I saw the shadow first, then the dark brown eyes.

  All I could do was smile. Because Zach did exactly what I told him he wouldn’t be able to do again.

  He made me laugh.

  Chapter 8

  I watched as my peers turned their heads, putting hands to their mouths as each image of my plastic pollution presentation appeared on the screen. Zach didn’t react. He just sat back, shaking his head with anger in his eyes.

  In high school he�
��d wanted to be a marine biologist. Had that changed?

  So much had happened in our time apart, I felt like I didn’t know Zach anymore. But for the first time since he came back, I wanted to.

  After the slide show, we headed out to West Shore Beach armed with garbage bags. I led the way with Tanya and Vicky, while Zach walked behind us with Chris D’Angelo.

  We started along the dunes, spreading out to cover more area in a shorter amount of time. Tanya and Vicky detached from me and went off into their own world, like they always did.

  “Hey.”

  I was sick of keeping up the I-hate-you façade so I turned when Zach’s voice reached my ears.

  “Hey back.” A cluster of cigarette butts were inches from where we stood. I bent down and placed them in the garbage bag with my gloved hand. “What’s new?”

  “Do you really want to know, or are you just trying to be polite?”

  “You know I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t want to know.”

  “True. You’ve never been overly polite before. I don’t know what would make me think that changed,” he said, helping me pick up the remainder of the cigarettes.

  “I’d have you know I can be very polite and charming.” His eyes narrowed in on me until we both laughed.

  “Okay, we know I’m neither polite nor charming,” I said, standing up.

  He rose until his eyes were fixed on mine. “I never said you weren’t charming.”

  Warmth seeped into my cheeks. “Can we get back to the original question?”

  “‘What’s new’ is kind of a broad topic. I don’t know where to start.”

  “I’ll make it easy for you. Why are you here? You could’ve gone to school anywhere. Why here?” He should’ve been in Hawaii spending his days studying ocean life and his nights watching the sun set over the Pacific. He had the grades. The determination. It was always the plan.

  His eyes grew dull with sadness. He was obviously bothered by the content of the answer to that question.

  “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I said. I didn’t want to make him discuss something that was clearly upsetting him. And after the way I’d been treating him, I was probably the last person he’d want to confide in.

  “No, I do. You’d understand better than anyone else.”

  I stopped, frozen in place. Would I? It wasn’t just yesterday when he moved away. I really didn’t know him better than anyone else anymore.

  “It’s Mimi.”

  My head snapped up.

  He took a deep breath before continuing. “She’s sick,” he said, rubbing the spot between his eyebrows.

  “No, not Mimi.” Instinctively I reached out, grabbing his wrist. Mimi, Zach’s grandma, was as kind as the sun was bright. She was always one of my favorite people. So full of life. She couldn’t be sick.

  “She couldn’t live on her own anymore. We sold the house. Moved her into assisted living. There were no places available close to my parents, and they didn’t want her to be alone. Dad was going to quit his job, but I couldn’t let him do that. So I changed my college plans. I go and see her as often as I can. Take her shopping. Bring her to bingo.” I let go of his wrist as he continued. “It’s been rough, but it’s Mimi. I’d do anything for her. Besides, after being away, it’s nice to be close to home again.”

  Except his home, Mimi’s home, was no longer his. They’d sold it. But I assumed it wasn’t about the house.

  “Why? Didn’t you like it there?” I asked.

  “Not really. It never felt like home. Still doesn’t. My studio apartment here feels more like home. Not to mention I missed my friends. Mimi. You.”

  I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that him missing me made every part of me well up with pure ecstasy. For over a year I’d thought the missing was one-sided. It was nice to know it wasn’t.

  “Well, you’re here now,” I said in hopes I could cover my smile with words. “Granted things are a little different, and it’s not really home. But it’s close enough.”

  “I guess.”

  “So how sick is she?” On one hand, I wanted to know. On the other, I was scared of the truth. But it was Mimi. I needed to know.

  “She has the beginning stages of dementia. Some days she’s fine, and other days she forgets to turn the iron off. And on really bad days, she doesn’t know who I am or she thinks I’m my dad.”

  “Oh, Zach, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged, then bent down and picked up a bottle cap. It was obvious he was trying to cover the pain tugging at the corners of his eyes.

  His grandmother was a big part of his life. He’d lived up the road from her from the day he was born. He spent more time at her house as a kid than he did at his own.

  That house was a part of Zach, and I’d never stopped to think how he felt to leave it behind. During the short time we’d managed to stay together after he left, he never mentioned it. He’d rarely talked about what he left behind though. All he’d wanted was to hear what I had to say.

  Was that why he stopped calling? Was I that selfish to not think about how hard leaving must’ve been for him? Did I even ask?

  “I wish I’d known. I would’ve gone to see her,” I said, and for a split second his eyes lit up.

  “Really?”

  “Of course! I love Mimi. You know that.”

  “She still asks about you. On her good days, you know. She’d love to see you.”

  She still asked about me? My heart swelled like a marshmallow in a microwave. “I’d love to see her.”

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I could see the contentment in the slight smile that tugged at his lips.

  “Now, what about you? What’s new?” he finally asked after we’d walked another twenty feet down the beach.

  “Not much to tell.” The words brought me back to our first meeting in high school, when he gave me the same bullshit answer during our get-to-know-your-classmate activity.

  “If I know anything, I know Liz Wagner leads anything but a normal, boring life.”

  “Then I guess you don’t know anything.” And we laughed just like we used to. Nothing existed except us. We were in our own world.

  “How long have you and Joe been together?”

  And just like that he ripped our world from its orbit and threw it back into reality.

  ***

  When I told Zach I’d go see Mimi, I didn’t expect to go directly from the beach. But after seeing the excitement in his eyes, I couldn’t say no.

  Since I’d carpooled with Professor Mulligan, Zach offered to take me to Mimi’s then drop me off at my place. The orange color of his Jeep was usually hard to miss, but the truck was currently caked in mud.

  “Ever hear of a car wash?” I asked, eyeing the mess.

  “A car wash? What’s that?”

  I gave a good shove to his shoulder. “Very funny, smartass.”

  “I went off-roading yesterday afternoon. The inside is clean. Here, I’ll even open the door for you, so you don’t have to touch the handle.”

  “How kind.” He reached around me and my breath hitched at his proximity.

  “What can I say? I’m a gentleman.” His breath, warm and minty, lingered on my skin.

  “That’s debatable.”

  “You really know how to get to a guy’s heart.” He opened the door and waited until I climbed in.

  I took my step up then turned back to him. “I try.”

  He was right. The inside wasn’t a disaster. Even the back seat, which had been covered in dirt from when we went pumpkin picking, was spotless.

  I was impressed.

  I thought the ride to Mimi’s would be awkward, but I should have known Zach didn’t do awkward.

  “Mom’s doing good, still tutoring,�
�� he said, his eyes focused on the road in front of him. “What about you?” I asked, wanting to know what I’d missed while we’d been apart.

  He stopped at a red light and glanced over at me. “What about me?”

  Everything and anything. I wanted to know what became of my Zach. How similar or how different the new Zach was.

  “Do you still want to be a marine biologist?”

  His dark eyes twinkled. “Absolutely. The love I have for the ocean will never go away.”

  The words punched me in the gut. Hard. The ocean was able to keep his love, but I wasn’t.

  “By the way, your presentation was amazing.”

  I took a calming breath to ease the pain. “Thanks.”

  A few seconds of silence passed, but Zach could never stay quiet for long. “So have you seen Purge play?”

  “More times than I’d like to admit.”

  “Between me and you . . .” He waved his finger like a metronome. “They suck.”

  A giggle escaped my lips and I threw my hand over my mouth.

  “What? They do! Joe’s not here. It’s just me and you. You can laugh about it.”

  So I did. As I was laughing a Nickelback song came on the radio and he turned it up and started belting it out.

  “Come on, Liz. Don’t you remember Zach and Liz Karaoke Time?” he asked, bobbing his head to the music and tapping the steering wheel with his hands.

  How could I forget Zach and Liz Karaoke Time? It was never planned. It was always a random outburst, usually on Zach’s part. We would be doing homework or just hanging out with the radio on for background noise, when Zach would hear a song and crank it up. He’d then proceed to sing as if he was trying to win the finale of American Idol. I always grabbed a brush or whatever I could turn into a microphone and joined him.

  I answered him with the chorus of the song and we sang for the rest of the drive. By the time we got there I was laughing so hard my ribs hurt. Out of everything, I missed this the most. Just letting loose, being myself, and not worrying what Zach thought about me, because no matter what I did, he’d never think of me any differently.