(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  With Zach it was easy to be me. I never had to tiptoe around his feelings or feel embarrassed for any reason. And he never tread lightly with me either. Everything was out there, front and center.

  And even though I blamed Zach for the breakup because he stopped calling, I secretly blamed myself too. Because I said too much the last time we talked. I must have scared him off or something. It was the only thing that made sense. My big mouth ruined everything.

  The fantasies that played out in my head about us going to school together, graduating, getting our own place, getting married, should have stayed in my head. It was too much too soon.

  ***

  The assisted living community was nicer than I expected. Lush gardens surrounded the property and a gazebo complete with benches sat in the middle of the lawn. I imagined Mimi sitting there with her canvas, painting and enjoying a nice day.

  Zach came around to help me down, but I was already safely to the ground, so he settled for shutting the door.

  “She was good this morning,” he said over his shoulder as he walked towards the entrance. “I probably should’ve called ahead to see if that changed, but you said yes so easily I didn’t want to give you a chance to run for the hills.”

  “When have you ever known me to run?” As soon as the words left my mouth, something I couldn’t decipher flashed in his eyes. I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other when I realized my statement implied more than I intended.

  Of course I wasn’t known to run. I was the idiot who sat by the phone day after day waiting for his call. Maybe I should take up running. It was probably easier to run from your problems than allow them to consume you.

  “Come on.” Zach placed his hand on my lower back, then just as quickly pulled it away. But I felt the sparks right down to my toes. And from the look on his face, he felt them too.

  We walked in and the woman at the desk waved. “Hi Zach,” she said with a smile, tucking her dark hair behind her ear and giving me a once-over.

  He flashed his most charming smile. “Hi Cheryl. This is . . .” He glanced at me then back to her. “My friend. Liz.”

  Cheryl reached her hand over the desk and I returned the gesture.

  “How was the concert?” he asked.

  “Fantastic. My Becky knocked them dead.”

  “Sounds like she takes after her mom.” Zach winked, and Cheryl grinned. “How was she today?”

  “After you left this morning she went out and got a haircut. I’m sure she talked Lucille’s ear off about you.”

  “That’s good to hear. I’ll catch you later.”

  “You know where to find me.”

  Zach led me down a corridor and around the corner, stopping in front of a door with a seashell wreath. He knocked gently and then eased the door open. Mimi’s artistic touches were spread around her room. Hand-painted ivy wrapped around the door frame, the mirror was lined in shells, picture frames hung on the walls, and a colored glass mosaic table sat just beneath them.

  Zach walked in and knelt in front of Mimi on the couch as I stared at her masterpieces, wondering if her illness would steal that talent away.

  “Mimi, you have a visitor. Do you remember . . .”

  “Oh my goodness, if it isn’t Lizzie Wagner!” Mimi exclaimed. “Look at you. Prettier than ever. Come here and give me a hug.”

  She remembered me. I felt honored, and quickly took her up on her request.

  I bent down to embrace her delicate frame and her arms wrapped around me with surprising strength. By the upturn of Zach’s lips it was obvious I had made the right choice by going with him.

  “So why is it okay for her to call you Lizzie?” Zach asked as Mimi released her grip.

  “Simple. Because I like her.” I flashed my best smile.

  “Of course,” he said.

  “Why don’t we go to the dining room? We’ll have some brownies and catch up.” Mimi clapped her hands together. “Or wait. If I remember correctly, you were more of a cookie girl.”

  “You’re right, Mimi,” Zach said. “Do you remember how Liz used to make cookies for you?”

  She tilted her head, eyes focused as if in deep concentration, trying to access that memory in her brain.

  “Wait. Yes, I do. Those island cookies you made were delicious.” She clapped her hands together again.

  “Oh, I forgot about those,” Zach said. “They were good. Really good. Maybe Liz will make them again for you.”

  “I don’t bake anymore.” The words came rushing out.

  Zach’s head snapped around to me, his brows drew together, and I braced for his remark.

  Mimi beat him to it. “That’s quite all right. I don’t need the extra sugar anyway.”

  Thank God. I’d blurted it out before I thought about it. If Mimi wasn’t there, Zach would want an explanation, and I simply didn’t have one. Or at least one I was willing to let him in on.

  We spent a few hours with Mimi talking about the past year and about her crafts. She was delighted to find out I still had the jewelry box she’d made me and even more so when I told her it stayed out on my dresser for everyone to see. Not that many people went into my room, but either way it put a sparkle in her eyes.

  By seven p.m., Mimi said she was tired and called it a night.

  “Today was a good day.” Zach said as he opened the door to the Jeep so I could get in.

  “I’m happy I came,” I said when he got in the driver seat.

  “You made Mimi’s day. Maybe even her week.”

  “I doubt that, but still, it was really good to see her.”

  “She’s always loved you,” he said. I smiled at the sentiment. “So why don’t you bake anymore?” My smile faded.

  “I, uh . . .” Okay, so stuttering wasn’t exactly helping the situation, but I didn’t know what to say. If I told the truth, he would know how much of an effect he’d had on me. I needed to lie, but my mind had turned to Jell-O. Every thought bounced and jiggled out of reach and I couldn’t wrap my brain around a single word, let alone an entire lie.

  To make matters worse we pulled up to a red light. Zach shifted his focus from the road in front of him and turned his head so his eyes were fixed on me.

  “So?”

  I was about to give up when my brain finally started working again. To cover the lie I leaned my chin onto my hand and let my fingers cover the spot of my lip that twitched.

  “I got bored with it. It was fun for a while, but everything is fun when it’s new. Besides, after Josh left I had no one to try my new recipes. Plus after gaining five pounds, I realized I didn’t want to look at another cookie again.”

  I was too scared to look at him. Great, now he was going to think I fell into a deep depression because of him. Bet he had already painted a lovely picture of me, tears streaming down my face while I buried my sorrows in a bowl of cookie dough.

  Not that the idea was far-fetched.

  “Never thought you’d think baking was anything but fun, but I get it,” he said. “People change. They find new hobbies. Life goes on.” I was grateful he didn’t question me further.

  “Yeah, something like that,” I said.

  I really didn’t think it would be that easy. The old Zach wouldn’t have believed that half-assed answer. He would have seen right through the lie. But like he said, people change.

  Chapter 9

  Another Saturday night, another night Joe blew me off for the band. I thought girls were usually the groupies, but Joe was definitely the official Purge groupie. I can’t say he completely blew me off since he did invite me to their show. But Zach was right, they sucked. If Charlie was the only one playing I might have considered. But I had better things to do on a Saturday night than dodge a crowd that thought it needed to break into a mosh pit during every single song.

  I’d have to get used to
it though, since the band had decided that Joe was going to be their new drummer. Curtis, the old drummer, had come to his senses and realized band life wasn’t going to pay the bills. He’d had to get a real job and couldn’t keep up with their practice schedule.

  The only problem? Joe wasn’t a drummer.

  In fact, he’d never played a musical instrument in his life. In fourth grade when we had to decide if we wanted to be in the band or the orchestra, he chose chorus. Probably because he could stand in the back, move his lips and just get by.

  But he was determined, so when he blew me off for the band, I couldn’t get too mad. He was trying to become a part of something and even if he wasn’t quite there, he was on his way.

  Besides, it was also a good excuse for girls’ night. Sadie and I put our pajamas on and stretched out on the couch to watch a chick flick. She grabbed the remote and hit play, the henna from her cousin’s wedding still visible on her hand.

  The best thing about living together was that we got to have a sleepover every night. I placed Sadie’s beloved pillows in their designated spot on the floor and kicked my feet up.

  By the end of the movie I was surprised I hadn’t dozed off. Sadie’s phone buzzed and with the way she bit her lip, I knew it was Matt.

  “What’s up with lover boy?”

  She picked up one of her pillows and tossed it at my head. My hand swatted it to the floor before it hit me in the face.

  I pointed to her phone. “So what’s he got to say?”

  “Everyone’s convening at the Roadside. You hungry?”

  “I could eat something,” I said, always up for a meal.

  We changed into jeans and headed out. The Roadside was a diner on the outskirts of town that still had grease on the floor from the day the doors opened fifty years ago. But they had the best milk shakes and burgers.

  I pulled my seatbelt on. “Maybe I can actually see my boyfriend this weekend.”

  “Yeah, and Matt will be there too.”

  “I figured that when you said everyone,” I said, unable to resist pointing it out.

  Five years and countless relationships later and she still had yet to actually make a move, in spite of my constant encouragement. Seriously, what did she have to lose? Matt would either go with it or not. At least then she could stop obsessing over everything he said and did.

  By the time we got to the diner, all the usual suspects were there. Joe, Scott, Ruthie, and Matt all huddled at one booth, Ruthie sitting on Scott’s lap. I didn’t even do a double take. We were all used to the Ruthie and Scott show.

  One person was missing though.

  Zach.

  He and Matt were always close, and it was only natural that they’d started hanging out again. Where was he? If I asked, would it look like I cared about him? Because I didn’t. I was just curious.

  “Babe, you’re here!” Joe yelled out when Sadie and I approached the booth. He climbed around the table, gathered me in his arms, spun me around once then kissed me as he put my feet back on the ground. Little things like that made my day.

  “How was the show?” I asked.

  Joe’s eyes lit up. “Awesome!” he exclaimed and squeezed me closer to him. I nuzzled into his chest and he leaned down to my ear. “But it would’ve been better if you were there.” He pulled away and a smile spread across my face at his words.

  Matt jumped up from his spot, retrieved a chair and made room for me and Sadie. Interesting how he made sure Sadie sat next to him. I gave her the look, the one that said are-you-seeing-what-I’m-seeing, then gave her a nod of acknowledgement.

  A piece of paper with scribbles all over sat in the middle of the table. “So we were just going over a new song we’re working on,” Joe said.

  “What’s it about?” I asked.

  The band looked at each other and then at the paper as if the paper would talk. I stared at the group with a lifted eyebrow and waited for them to gather their thoughts into a comprehensible response.

  “It’s about, like . . . the past,” Joe said. I nodded as if his answer made me understand completely.

  Charlie put her pen down. “It’s about how things change and how at one point in time you think this is it, this is my life, but what you don’t realize is that it’s just one moment and while you’re thinking that, your life is already changing. If that even makes sense. Once you hear the lyrics it’ll make more sense.” Thank God for Charlie. Even if it wasn’t completely understandable, it was better than what Joe gave me.

  “Awesome,” Sadie said, in between glances at Matt.

  “With Zach here, and how you guys all knew him in high school,” Scott said, “it had us all reminiscing about old times, and it kind of just hit us.”

  “Where is he anyway?” The question came out involuntarily, so I ran my fingers through my hair and played it off like it was just a passing thought.

  “He said something about his grandma. She was having a bad day or something like that, so he had to stay with her,” Matt said as he rested his arm across the back of Sadie’s chair.

  What was a bad day for Mimi like? Even though Zach had kind of filled me in, I didn’t know anybody else with dementia. All I had to go on was what I’d seen on TV and in the movies.

  The conversation drifted back to the song in progress, but my thoughts stayed on Zach. Was he okay? Was Mimi okay? Should I call him and see if he needed anything? Then again, I didn’t have his number, though I still had Mimi’s old one permanently engraved in my memory. Josh would have Zach’s cell number.

  Not that I would call him. First off, it was well after ten p.m. and secondly, Zach’s life wasn’t my concern anymore.

  When Tessa the big-haired waitress appeared, I pushed away the thoughts of Mimi and I ordered a plate of curly fries.

  ***

  An hour later Sadie and Matt were talking in the parking lot, and I took Joe up on his offer to drive me home. I was pretty much jumping at any chance we could get alone. These days, it was all about the band.

  “I missed you,” I said when he put the car in drive.

  “I saw you yesterday, and we just spent like two hours together.” He looked at me like I had two heads.

  I trailed my finger along his jaw line. “I don’t mean like that.” A knowing look flashed in his eyes.

  “Your place or mine?” he asked, giving me a devious look.

  “I was thinking somewhere with a view.” I didn’t have to say anything else. Joe took the first right turn and headed down to the ocean.

  Before he got so caught up in the band, we used to spend a lot of time down at the shoreline, intertwined with each other. I missed those days.

  As soon as he put the car in park, I pulled my seat belt off and kicked my leg over the console so that I was straddling him. The seat tilted back as our lips touched.

  It felt like an eternity since Joe and I had been alone, and I was ready to take full advantage of the situation. But when his hand slid to the button of my jeans and his fingers worked to release it, I panicked.

  “I have my period!” I blurted out and flung my body back with such force the steering wheel jammed into my back.

  “Huh?” Joe looked up at me with make out-hazy eyes.

  “I, uh, have my period.” Which wasn’t true.

  “That’s okay. We could do other stuff.” He shifted beneath me, and I heard the sound of his zipper.

  “That’s not what I had in mind either,” I said, trying to rub away the throbbing pain in my back.

  “Then why’d you want to come here?” he asked, as if he was annoyed our night would only consist of kissing.

  “Because we’ve barely spent any time together and I just wanted to be with you. God, it’s as if kissing me isn’t good enough.” I flung myself back into the passenger seat and turned my focus to the darkness outside my window.

/>   “Liz, I never said that.” His voice, tight with frustration, made the air thick with tension.

  “You didn’t have to. I know that’s what you’re thinking,” I snapped.

  “So you’re a mind reader now?”

  I looked at him with my don’t-start-with-me-look, but he instantly shot back his you’re-being-ridiculous look.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just got the impression you wanted to do a little more. I didn’t mean anything by it. Hey.” He reached out and ran his finger down the outline of my jaw. “You know I love you, right?”

  I let the corner of my mouth begin to lift, and as my eyes met his, the other side lifted as well. He did love me, and I was being ridiculous. I had only myself to blame.

  “Come here,” he said as he lifted his arm up for me. I fell right into the curve of his body. He pressed a kiss to my head, and we spent the rest of the time in each other’s arms. We talked about the band, his drum lessons, school and whatever else came to mind.

  It was perfect.

  Exactly what I needed.

  Joe dropped me off shortly after midnight. I could’ve invited him up to stay the night, but I didn’t want to give him false hope after the earlier incident.

  I had just gotten inside when my phone beeped. I reached into my bag and checked the text.

  Liz, it’s Zach. Call me. It’s important.

  I stared at it for five minutes, then another five. I stared at it until the letters bled together.

  I was over-thinking it. All I had to do was hit “Call.” He said it was important.

  “Hello”

  The words froze in my throat.

  “Lizzi . . . Liz, is that you?”

  “Yeah it’s me. What’s up? Everything okay? Is it Mimi?”

  “Can I come by?” My stomach clenched at his tone. “Please?”

  Normally I would have said no, but the desperation in his voice made me say yes. It was a tone I rarely heard. The last time I heard it, he was telling me his dad took the transfer and he was leaving. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been good.