(Never) Again

by Theresa Paolo

  “Sadie’s sleeping. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

  I waited ten minutes, and then I snuck out of the apartment, not wanting to wake Sadie and have her interrogate me.

  On the far end of the parking lot by the streetlight, Zach sat hunched over on the hood of his Jeep. His head rested in his hands, his hair was messy like the old Zach, and even though his muscles were visible beneath his thermal shirt he looked small. Smaller than I ever remembered.

  He wasn’t looking at me, but I slowed my pace. How was I supposed to approach him? Announce myself, place my hand on his knee or just jump up on the hood of the Jeep?

  The sound of my feet hitting the pavement disrupted the quiet night and Zach lifted his eyes to me.

  “Hey,” he said and by the way his lips only curved slightly it was obvious he was trying to put on a happy face.

  “Hey,” I said back.

  I didn’t intend for it to be awkward, but it was. Really awkward. There was something wrong. He was hurting. But what was I supposed to do? In the past I would’ve wrapped my arms around him and comforted him until he was ready to speak. But that was something I could no longer do. I pulled myself up onto the Jeep and sat beside him.

  “I didn’t know who else to call. I just feel comfortable talking to you and you’re a good listener. You always knew the right things to say.”

  As his words tumbled out, I decided to stop thinking and just go with it. Friends didn’t need to overanalyze everything. They didn’t need to think about what they’re going to say. They just let it happen.

  “Hit me with it,” I said as his big brown eyes looked up at me. His mouth parted and I braced for the words. But he didn’t say anything. He fumbled with his hands instead. “Come on. You just told me how I’m a good listener, so give me something to work with. Is it Mimi?”

  He nodded, sadness pooling in his eyes. “It’s pretty bad. She’s healthy, you know. Her blood pressure is perfect. She could probably outrun me and our entire writing class, but that doesn’t mean anything because her mind is going. What is any of that stuff without her mind?

  “Anyway, it started this morning. She kept telling me to get ready because my father was coming home, and if I wasn’t ready by the time he got home we weren’t going out to dinner.”

  “That doesn’t seem so bad,” I said.

  “True, except she thought I was my Dad and she was referring to my dead grandfather.”

  “Jesus.”

  “Tell me about it.” Zach closed his eyes and rubbed at the center of his forehead.

  “But you said she has her good and bad days,” I said, trying to find the light in the tunnel, “and today was just one of her bad days.”

  “But her bad days used to be fewer and farther between. It was glimpses of the disease, not an all-day battle with it. It’s just tearing me apart because there’s nothing I can do. I’m helpless.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong.” I inched closer. “You spent the entire day with her. You could have gone out with us tonight, but you didn’t. You stayed with Mimi. That’s not helpless. That’s selfless.”

  “Still,” he said, “I can’t stop the spells, can’t stop the disease from progressing and pretty soon she won’t even know who I am.” He moved his hand from his forehead to run his fingers through his hair.

  Zach was always good at holding himself together, letting things roll off, but this was different.

  I felt like him. Helpless.

  There was nothing I could say. Nothing I could do. So I did the only thing I could do.

  I held him.

  Chapter 10

  I didn’t bring up the night Zach and I spent on the hood of his Jeep and neither did he. It was as if it never happened. I preferred it that way. It just made things easier for me. For both of us.

  I avoided going out with the group mainly because if I had to hear Joe go on and on with everybody about how well his drum lessons were going, I was going to take his drum stick and shove it up his . . . Whoa. Deep breath.

  However, Joe had learned quickly and he was now officially a part of the band. His first gig was later that night, and he wanted me at the front of the crowd, cheering him on. I never saw myself as a groupie, but it was what Joe wanted so I would oblige. Plus, it gave me an excuse to buy a new outfit.

  I headed to the mall a few towns over, glancing at the storefronts on Main Street. The windows were adorned with both fall and Christmas décor, as if the proprietors didn’t know what holiday to push.

  At the crosswalk I stopped to let a family pass and glanced to my left while I waited. My eyes settled on the Santa Claus cutout in a window, then quickly focused on the commotion taking place behind it.

  A man behind the counter waved his hands in the air as if he was out of patience for the customer in front of him. I inched up a little as the father took a last step out from in front of my car, and despite the honking horns behind me, I stopped dead.

  With Santa no longer blocking my view, I could see into the store. Mimi was standing there in her housecoat, arguing with the man.

  I could have easily driven off, gone on my way to get ready for the show, but it was Mimi and I couldn’t. I needed to make sure she was okay.

  Fate was on my side, and a car pulled away from the curb a few feet in front of me. I put my blinker on and maneuvered into the space. Who said girls are bad drivers? I could parallel park anywhere.

  Once my car was in the spot, I jumped out and ran across the street, halting cars in my path.

  If that guy was giving Mimi a hard time I would rip him apart. Didn’t he know the customer was always right? And regardless of that, hadn’t he ever heard of respecting your elders?

  From the doorway I could see the frustration in Mimi’s eyes. Their usual tranquil blue was a furious icy gray. I threw open the door and marched into the store. I was about to open my mouth and give this guy a piece of my mind when I heard Mimi.

  “I don’t understand why you are making this such an issue. I just want four chicken breasts cleaned and sliced thick. If Don was here he would do it for me. He must be off today. Are you new? I’d hate to have to tell Don about your poor customer service.” I looked to the man behind the counter. He was a younger guy with dark, slicked-back hair and a five o’clock shadow.

  “Ma’am, like I said, this is no longer a butcher shop. Hasn’t been in twenty years. I wish I could help you.” He wasn’t yelling at Mimi. He was trying to make her understand.

  My eyes burned with held-back tears as I tried to push aside the fact that Mimi had clearly slipped back in time. In order to communicate with her, I needed to go back to the past.

  “Mrs. Roberts, is that you?” I said it louder than necessary, but it worked. At the mention of her name, Mimi quickly turned and settled her eyes on me.

  “I’m sorry, do I know you, dear?” She squinted in my direction.

  “Probably not, but I know your son Zachary. We went to school together and I remember seeing you in the stands.” I remembered Zach’s dad was a football player back in high school. “You always had your Raider’s flag waving in the air.”

  “I never missed a game. My boy was something, wasn’t he?” The tension in her face eased.

  “Yes, he was.” I looked up for a second and caught the eye of the guy behind the counter. I silently pleaded with him to play along. “He brought us to State,” I said.

  “He did. Oh, and what a game that was. He got two touchdowns in the first quarter.” Mimi’s eyes lit up as they always did when she talked about her family.

  “He was a hometown legend,” I said, not sure how to continue the conversation.

  “It was lovely talking to you dear,” Mimi said, “but if you don’t mind I am trying to order meat for my dinner. It’s our anniversary. I want to make my husband his favorite.” She turned back to the man behind
the counter. If I could just find a way to get her out of the store.

  “Chicken parmesan,” I blurted out, thankful for all those family dinners I had shared with them. Mimi had once boasted about how Zach was so much like his grandfather that they even had the same favorite dish.

  “Why yes. How did you know?” she asked, turning back to me.

  “Lucky guess.” I had to think fast. I needed to get Mimi in my car and back to the assisted living facility before she caused any more of a scene. The guy behind the counter had been kind enough not to call the cops, and I didn’t want to give him more time to think about it.

  Where the hell was Zach? Of course the one time I actually needed him to pop up, he was MIA. Then again, if he knew Mimi was gone and in this state, he would be in full-on panic mode.

  I needed to call him, but it would have to wait until I got Mimi in the car. I racked my brain trying to figure a way to get her there. Then it hit me.

  Mimi didn’t just make chicken parmesan. Oh no. It was a production. An all-day production. Her sauce alone took six hours to cook. “Made with love and a lot of patience,” she used to say with a wooden spoon in one hand and the lid to the pot in the other. The mouthwatering scent would hit you before you even got to the porch steps.

  “I bet you make your own sauce from scratch,” I said, in a last ditch effort.

  “Of course I do. There is no other way to make sauce.” She took the bait and I just had to build on what I started.

  “Then I bet you need to get that going so dinner will be ready in time. Did you know they now have a delivery service?” I flashed my eyes to the guy behind the counter giving him his cue to jump in.

  “Oh yes, yes we do,” he responded. I looked to the ceiling, feeling as if I had to thank someone up there.

  “So why don’t I take you on home.” I squinted to see the man’s name tag. “And Marcus here can deliver it when it’s ready.”

  She adjusted her bag on her forearm. “Oh, well, okay. If you don’t mind,”

  “No,” Marcus and I both blurted out. “Not at all,” I added.

  “That would be wonderful, thank you. I don’t know what I was thinking walking into town this late.”

  I held the door open for Mimi and when she was out I glanced behind me and gave a smile to Marcus for being a good sport, mouthing “thank you” before placing my hand on Mimi’s back to guide her towards my car.

  “Right over here,” I said.

  During the car ride I tried to keep conversation going, but talking about a past I wasn’t a part of was difficult. So I kept it basic and let Mimi do most of the talking while I pushed on with questions. It was enough to get us through the ride.

  It wasn’t until I pulled up to the assisted living facility that I realized I had forgotten to text Zach.

  “I’ll help you inside,” I said to Mimi as I took her hand.

  “Aren’t you just the sweetest thing,” she said, her blue eyes back to their usual tranquil state.

  I guided her into the facility, hoping she didn’t realize it wasn’t her house. Inside I heard the voice I associated with so many different things as of late. Except instead of his usual calm, casual tone, he was yelling.

  “What do you mean you can’t find her?” He ran both hands through his hair, interlocking his fingers behind his head.

  I wanted to yell out to him, but I was scared of startling Mimi. She was in a fragile state and I didn’t know what to do other than stay calm.

  I let go of Mimi’s hand and walked towards him.

  “Zach?” I said, tapping his shoulder. He turned, his hair sticking up in all directions.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked. But when he spotted Mimi it was as if I didn’t exist. The tension that pulled tight across his face loosened as he turned. “Mimi! What happened?” He raced to Mimi’s side. “Are you okay?”

  “She’s fine. I, um, found her in town.”

  Zach’s eyes widened. I let my eyes speak for me. I didn’t want Mimi to overhear us. I didn’t want to confuse her any more than she already was.

  “Mimi, it’s me Zach. You know, your grandson.” He bent down to eye level and took her small hand in his large one.

  “Do I look old enough to have a grandson?” The wrinkles in her forehead deepened as her eyes narrowed.

  Zach pinched the skin on the bridge of his nose. God only knew what was going through his mind. When he told me her spells were happening more often, was it possible he meant every day?

  Emotions flickered through his eyes, and he rubbed his face as if he could wipe them away. But it would take more than that. I wanted to hold him again, if just to let him know it would get better. It had to. Didn’t it?

  “Of course not,” I chimed in. “You’re a timeless beauty.”

  “As are you, dear.”

  Zach shot me a sideways glance. I was already in deep. Why not submerge myself completely?

  “She is. Isn’t she?” Zach placed his hand on Mimi’s shoulder. “Why don’t we get you to your room?”

  “Okay, it’s dinnertime anyway. Liz, do you want to stay for dinner? It’s meatloaf tonight.” Just like that she was back, completely unaware of what had transpired. I didn’t want to be rude and not answer but I couldn’t seem to form words. My mind went blank from shock.

  “She has to get going,” Zach answered for me. “Big show tonight. Her boyfriend’s making his debut.” His steady gaze made me shift from one foot to the other. It was as if he had more to say. Lips parted and an unsteady feeling passed through me.

  “Oh, that’s right. Your friend’s band is playing tonight. Well, have fun. I’ll see you soon, I hope,” Mimi said and walked away from us and towards her room.

  The tension around Zach’s eyes eased, his posture no longer stiff as he gave my shoulder a tender squeeze. “I was losing my mind. Thanks for bringing her back.”

  “Is she going to be okay?” I asked, knowing he didn’t know any more than I did, but needing to have some hope to hold on to.

  “I think so. At least today she will be.”

  It was enough. The future didn’t matter yet. What mattered was what was happening right then and there. Mimi was safe and as far as I could tell she was back in the present.

  “You going tonight?” I asked.

  “Not now. It would feel wrong to leave her.”

  I nodded in understanding. While I was disappointed, I got it. I didn’t like what was happening to Mimi and I knew how Zach felt.

  “Besides,” he said, “you’ll be cheering on your boyfriend.”

  Confusion looped through my mind. Of course I’d be cheering on my boyfriend. That was the sole reason I was going. It definitely wasn’t because the band was good.

  “I’m sure you won’t miss much anyway.” I had yet to hear the band play as a whole, but I assumed it wouldn’t be anything to write home about.

  “Thanks,” he said and with a last look of gratitude, he headed towards Mimi’s room.

  And like Mimi’s memory, he was there one minute and gone the next.

  Chapter 11

  Josh was due for another visit in two weeks, and I decided to finally cross an item off my bucket list. It was time to throw a party.

  And while I was checking things off my list, I decided it was time to finally turn in my v-card too. Joe and I had been together long enough. The Monday after the party, Sadie would be babysitting overnight and I’d have the place to myself. It was perfect.

  A party and the demise of my virginity. It was going to be an amazing week. I just had to be patient.

  Monday in class Joe wasn’t there. Ever since he became an official member of the band he’d been blowing off classes more and more. I texted him, but he never responded.

  “Where’s Joe?” Zach’s voice was hot against my ear. I whipped around, our eyes instantl
y connecting as if they were magnets.

  I snapped them away and pulled at the hair tie on my wrist. “Not here.”

  “That’s the fourth time this month.”

  What was he, a human attendance list?

  “Probably band stuff,” I muttered, not sure what else to say since I really had no idea where he was.

  At my words, something flashed through his eyes and I couldn’t tell if it was disapproval or disbelief. To acknowledge it would mean I cared what he thought and I didn’t.

  At least in that moment I didn’t think I did. It wasn’t until the clean-up committee meeting when I glanced up from my notebook and saw Zach walking in, talking with Vicky and Tanya and laughing at what Tanya said that I realized. I definitely cared.

  Tanya was talking about the environment and how amazing the committee was, touching Zach’s arm at every chance she got. It wasn’t until I saw the infatuated glance she gave him and saw his ears perk up like a dog having a shiny new toy that it clicked.

  Tanya might have cared about the environment, but not as much as she craved Zach’s attention. Too bad for her she wasn’t his type.

  First off she was a redhead—he preferred brunettes—and secondly, he liked girls who were laid-back and fun. Who could sit and play video games with him on a Saturday night. That was not Tanya.

  I was tempted to blow her cover—it was only right for Zach to know the game she was playing. Instead, I bit my tongue. Hard.

  Getting through my monthly progress report had never been so vomit-inducing. Seriously, the girl had no shame flaunting her interest. I couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough.

  ***

  Later on at the beach, I was eager to catch up with Zach, feel him out, and see what his reaction to Tanya earlier actually meant.

  I spotted him, back bent as he picked up something from the sand. I muttered a lame excuse to get away from Professor Mulligan and headed down the beach to him.

  “How’s Mimi?” I asked as I approached.

  Zach straightened his back and turned to me. “She’s good today.” His dark eyes lightened, his lips curved up and he flashed me a smile.