by Lois Richer
The creak of a floorboard made her draw back, breaking contact. She couldn’t allow Noah to see them like this, so she turned away and busied herself setting out three mugs, which she filled with coffee. She picked up two and turned, leaving Jesse to carry his own.
“Emma says she could manage a cookie or two.” Noah frowned. “You look funny.”
“Do I?” She shook her hair off her face and scrounged up a smile. “I was worried about you and Emma, so I guess what you see is relief. But Noah, you—”
Jesse’s hand on her arm stopped the rest of her words. He gave the merest shake of his head, then said, “There’s juice in the fridge, Noah. Why don’t you get some? You and I can have our coffee break in the backyard while your mom and Gran share theirs in the living room.”
“Cookies?” he reminded them.
“I’ve got some for Emma. You and Jesse share the rest.” Maddie wasn’t sure what the former youth pastor could say to uncover her son’s thoughts, but she hoped he’d fare better than she had, because Noah needed to talk about whatever burden he was carrying.
But when man and boy returned, Maddie knew from Jesse’s face that he was still as much in the dark about Noah’s rules as before. While Noah stowed his guitar in the car, Maddie paused on the doorstep beside Jesse.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I know you tried,” she murmured. “Thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done for him. For us.” She stepped back a little when he leaned forward. She couldn’t afford to let Jesse hold her again lest she blurt out her feelings.
“Maddie,” he said, frowning when he noticed her retreat. “About earlier—”
“Thank you for being our friend. We both appreciate you and Emma so much,” she said as casually as she could, while forcing herself to walk toward the car, both loving and hating that he followed her. She wanted to be in his arms again. She pulled open her car door. “Don’t forget we’re decorating Wranglers Ranch on Good Friday afternoon. It’s going to be a wonderful Easter.”
“Easter always is.” He nodded, though it was clear he had not said all he’d intended to. But Maddie drove off anyway. Jesse had kissed her as a man kisses a woman, but she couldn’t tell if he’d meant it to be anything special.
And like the ’fraidy cat she was, she didn’t want to ask. What if he told her no?
“Emma said I have to keep trusting You,” she prayed as she drove. “And I’m trying to do that. But please put a bit of love for me in Jesse’s heart, because I really, really love him.”
The usual doubts assailed her later that night when she was alone, sitting on her deck and watching Mars appear in the night sky.
Why would Jesse care for her? Sure, he’d said some nice things, but that’s who Jesse was—a nice guy. She was a widow with a bad marriage behind her and a troubled child she couldn’t seem to help.
What in the world would a man like Jesse see in Maddie McGregor?
* * *
On the afternoon of Good Friday Jesse tried hard to rein in the band as they practiced playing the final chorus of the Easter hymn he’d sung since he was a kid. And then, with a grin, he gave up and just listened.
“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord,” the Bible said. This certainly qualified as noise. Who cared? Most of these kids had only recently learned to pluck out the melody of the hymn on their chosen instrument. Little things like tempo, loudness, timing—those didn’t mean a thing to them. That they played at all was what mattered.
After the girl on the far end bashed her handbell in a grand finale, the last notes died away and the familiar sounds of horses and cattle at Wranglers Ranch returned.
“Amazing!” Maddie stood on the sidelines, eyes shining, clapping as hard as she could. “You guys are going to sound awesome on Easter morning.”
Pride filled the kids’ faces. Some of them half bowed while others grinned, tucking their chins into their chests to hide their proud reactions.
“You did good, guys,” Jesse affirmed, smothering the rush of love that took over his brain whenever he saw Maddie. “Remember to get here early on Sunday morning and to play with all your hearts, because Easter is above all a celebration.”
He chatted with the kids as they packed up and left until only Noah remained, his guitar safely secured in its case.
“Did you enjoy playing today, Noah?” Jesse knew what the answer would be.
“I guess. If you’re sure that’s a hymn.” The boy didn’t look happy.
“You’ll have to trust me.” Jessie sighed. “I’ve studied the Bible a lot, Noah, and I never saw any passage that said making music was only okay if it was a hymn.”
“Did they even have hymns in Bible days?” Maddie murmured.
“Not the same hymns we have now for sure,” he said with a sideways look at Noah. He strummed a few notes on his own guitar, searching for a way to help, though it seemed that nothing he’d said thus far had made much difference. “Music is a way of expressing yourself. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Hymns are songs made up by somebody. They’re nice, but you don’t have to sing them, any more than the only way you can talk to God is by saying the Lord’s Prayer. It’s what’s in our hearts that matters when we talk to God.”
“But my dad said—”
“Your father did his best to teach you the right things, son.” An urgency to help this child gripped Jesse. He hunkered down next to him. “But I think your father made mistakes. We all do. And I think one of his mistakes was about music.”
“That’s what you and Mom say, but how can I know the truth?” Noah whispered, his eyes stormy with confusion. “I have to know.”
The same old quicksand of failure reached to grab Jesse. He wanted to leave, wanted to foist this off on somebody else. Let them give Noah advice. Let the consequences fall on their heads.
But there was no one else. Maddie had disappeared, as had Tanner, Lefty, Sophie and all the others. Right now Noah was looking to him for answers. How could Jesse fail this child?
Help me, Father, his soul begged in a silent plea.
And another voice seemed to answer. I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father but through me.
“Noah, I don’t have the answers you want,” Jesse said as inspiration filled him. The boy’s face fell, and he hurried to explain. “But I know who does.”
“Who?” Noah waited, eyes wide.
“God. In 1 John 5, verse 15, it says that if we really believe that God is listening, when we talk to Him and ask Him what we need to know, He will answer us.” Jesse crouched to Noah’s level again so he could meet his stare head-on. “If you want to know what God thinks about this you need to ask Him.”
“You think God is gonna talk to me?” Noah looked dubious.
“He talked to David and Samuel when they were kids. God speaks to our spirit and He can talk to anybody. You just have to listen with your heart.” Jesse noted Lefty’s urgent wave and rose. “I’ve got to get to work now, but try asking God about your rules.”
“How?”
“Find a quiet place to pray and then be prepared to wait, and to listen for a whisper in your head and your heart. He’ll let you know which rules are right.”
Jesse hated to leave the kid but this was work and there were a hundred things to do to prepare for Wranglers’ Easter Sunday service. As he walked away, he sent a heartfelt plea that God would use his words to help Noah but that feeble request didn’t do much to assuage the lump of worry inside. Had he said the wrong thing again?
Jesse didn’t want to even consider what his failure could cost Noah, and Maddie, too.
Chapter Twelve
“Doesn’t Wranglers Ranch look fantastic?” Maddie twirled around, loving the festive decorations that were tucked here and there. “Beth’s bunnies are perfect.”
/>
“I’m surprised she let you move them into that crate.” Jesse’s smile flicked up the corners of his lips.
He was such a handsome man, especially in his jeans and boots and that white Stetson. He always made her heart race when he shoved his hat to the back of his head, revealing his blue eyes.
“Tanner said his stepdaughter is very possessive about her bunnies.”
“I promised they’d get carrot treats for their Easter breakfast.” Maddie giggled when Jesse rolled his eyes. “It’s almost time for the campfire sing-along,” she said as she glanced around. “I haven’t seen Noah for a while. Have you?”
“Not since we roasted our dinner.” Jesse also surveyed the area.
“He only ate one hot dog and seemed pretty quiet.” Maddie frowned as she scanned the ranch grounds. But she didn’t see Noah anywhere.
“Maybe I’ll go look for him,” Jesse said.
“I’ll go with you.” She slid her hand into his, needing the comfort of his touch as worry feathered across her heart. “Noah usually sits on that log over there and plays on his tablet while he waits for me. But now that I think about it, though Tanner’s kids were around while we were decorating, I didn’t see Noah.” Fear clamped a vise around her throat. “Where could he be?”
She felt Jesse tense and was about to ask his thoughts when Tanner appeared.
“Have you seen Noah?” she asked. “Is he with Davy and Beth?”
“No. Sophie took the two of them in to bathe. They’re allowed to be at the campfire for a little while before they get tucked in.” He frowned. “Where have you looked?”
Jesse told him, because Maddie couldn’t say anything. Fear filled her, growing by the moment as a voice she thought she’d finally silenced began to repeat her failures.
How could you lose your son, Madelyn? Noah’s a child. He can’t manage on his own. You’re his mother. You’re supposed to be the responsible one, but as usual you’ve failed. Nothing’s changed. You’re as incompetent as ever. You should never have had a child, never have been a mother. You’re unworthy of that trust.
She gulped, tears welling. She’d tried so hard to have faith, to believe God cared about her. But if He did, then why—
“Don’t look like that, Maddie,” Jesse begged. “Noah’s fine. He’s probably playing a game, hiding someplace and trying to fool us.”
“Maybe.” She knew it wasn’t true. Noah didn’t play games. Ever.
“I’ll organize the hands. We’ll do a search of the ranch. Does he have his backpack?” Tanner’s face tightened when Maddie told him it was on the backseat of her car. “We’ll find him. Just keep praying.”
“I should have been watching him more closely,” Maddie whispered, her heart squeezing at the thought of what could happen. “Instead I got so caught up in decorating Wranglers, in preparing for Easter—” She shoved her fist into her mouth to choke back her tears.
“Maddie’s, it’s going to be okay.” Jesse hugged her close. But although Maddie desperately wanted to believe him, fear had crept in and held her heart captive.
“You don’t know that,” she whispered. “The days have warmed with spring. There’s a lot more talk of rattlers coming out. There have been sightings of cougars, even coyotes. If something happened...” She couldn’t give voice to it. “It’s my fault. I haven’t been the mother Noah needed. I should have—”
“Stop it, Maddie.” Jesse’s hands tightened on her shoulders. She lifted her gaze to meet his and forced herself to listen. “Noah will be fine. God is with him. He will protect your boy until we can find him. But you have to trust Him. Okay?”
“I’ll try,” she whispered, trying but failing to return the smile he gave her.
“You have to do more than try,” he pleaded, his eyes dark and serious. “Now, right now, is the time to show God you trust Him. No doubts, no fears. Push them all away. You are a beloved child of God. He is your father, a father who cares for you so much He sent His beloved son for you. He made you and He has great things in store for your future.”
Maddie stared at Jesse, loving the way he spoke, so calm, so certain. Then he took her hands in his. His voice dropped as he said words meant for her ears alone.
“I’ve seen how wonderful a mother you are. You’d give anything for Noah. God knows how much you love your child because that’s exactly how He feels about you. He sees every tear you shed, hears every prayer you pray. God loves you, Maddie, and He is going to bring Noah back safe and sound. Don’t let go of that, okay?” Jesse waited a moment for her nod, pressed a kiss into her palm and closed her fingers around it.
In his arms Maddie felt safe, free from her constant self-doubt, whole. With Jesse trust was simple.
“I have to go look for Noah now, Maddie.” He hugged her close, then pulled back to stare into her eyes. “Will you trust God?”
That’s when she understood. Trust was a decision. Trust wasn’t something that fell on you like manna had fallen for the Israelites. Trust was a verb, an action.
“I will trust,” she whispered.
Jesse leaned closer to hear, so she said it again, this time a little louder. A big smile stretched across his face. He bent forward, pressed his lips to hers, then drew back.
“Keep that up, daughter of God,” he said. After a long look that made Maddie feel confused and oddly shy, he hurried away.
“Daughter of God,” she mused, when he’d disappeared. She needed to think about that. “That would make Noah God’s grandson.”
And what grandfather wouldn’t want his grandson returned to the home where he was loved?
Maddie’s phone rang.
“Jesse explained. I’m in a taxi on my way to Wranglers Ranch,” Emma said. She cut through Maddie’s protests. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes. They’ll find him, sweetie. Noah is going to be just fine. ‘The Lord your God is God, the faithful God. He will keep His agreement of love for a thousand lifetimes.’ Remember that, honey.”
“I’m trusting God,” Maddie told her. A burst of confidence began to seep into her heart as she walked toward the house.
God loved her. Trusting would get easier, but she’d have to practice. She would practice with Emma, because her friend always knew the right words to say to God. Right now Maddie could only repeat, “I’m trusting You.”
* * *
He couldn’t watch Maddie’s face when Tanner told her they hadn’t found Noah.
Jesse veered his horse away from the other searchers while his heart begged God to direct him to Noah. He rode away from the house on the track where he’d helped with so many lessons, away from where the other hands were unsaddling their horses. He was as weary as they after a fruitless night of searching, and yet he was still plagued by that unanswerable question. Why?
It wasn’t yet dawn. He dismounted under a sprawling eucalyptus tree, chilled from the bitter wind blowing off the mountains and across the desert floor. Noah was out in this, without his jacket, alone, hungry and thirsty, and probably terrified because his rules weren’t working. Bleak despair fought a battle for Jesse’s mind.
Why? Why hadn’t God shown them where the boy was, given them a sign to follow, something? Why couldn’t they have found him and brought him back to his worried mother? Why would God want Maddie to go through the torture of not knowing where her child was?
It was always why, ever since Scott had died. And still Jesse had no answer.
Frustrated, he tied his mount to a fence rail and sat down on top of a massive rock. There had to be something, some clue that would tell him where the boy had gone. He closed his eyes and tried to think of what had happened when he’d last seen Noah.
And then Jesse caught his breath. His eyes blinked open as horror filled his heart and soul.
“Find a quiet place to pray and then be prepared to lis
ten for a whisper in your head and in your heart. He’ll let you know which rules are right.”
A quiet place. Had Noah interpreted a quiet place as somewhere away from the hubbub of activity on Wranglers Ranch? Had he gone into the desert alone?
“I’m begging you God,” Jesse pleaded aloud, his heart aching at the horror of reliving another mistake. “Don’t let this child be lost because of me. Not again.”
“Jesse?” Maddie stood staring at him, her face confused. “I was looking for you. What do you mean? How could it be your fault that Noah’s missing?”
“I—I might have said something, Maddie.” He wanted to beg her to understand, but there wasn’t time. It would be sunrise soon. Noah had been alone all night, perhaps suffering from hypothermia by now. So Jesse repeated what he’d said to Noah.
“Yes, but...” He could tell she didn’t understand.
“Don’t you see? It’s my fault he’s missing. It’s just more proof that I shouldn’t be in the ministry. I’ve made another mistake and this time I’m not sure...” He couldn’t go on, couldn’t say the unthinkable.
“Oh, Jesse.” Maddie’s arms went around him as she hugged him close. “You’re as wrong as Noah is. God isn’t punishing you. Remember what you told me? We’re His beloved children.”
“Yes, but—” He stopped, because she laid her forefinger over his lips and shook her head.
“We don’t know God’s ways. Even if we did I doubt we’d understand. But we do know that everything God does is for a purpose.” Her soft smile begged him to hear her words. “I don’t know why Noah’s missing, Jesse. But I do know that God is watching over him, caring for him, because you taught me that’s what a loving father does.”
Maddie’s face shone. Her green eyes glowed with inner peace as she pushed a hank of hair out of his eyes and grazed his cheeks with her fingers.
“I’m Noah’s mother and I love him dearly, but God loves Noah way more than I ever could. He cares like that for you, too. It wasn’t a horrible tragedy that brought you to Wranglers Ranch, Jesse. It was God. He has a reason and I believe it was so you could help Noah. And you have.”
