Every Tongue Got to Confess

by Zora Neale Hurston

  —LARKINS WHITE.

  De White Man’s Prayer†

  Well, it come uh famine an’ all de crops wuz dried up an’ Brother John had prayed last year for rain an’ it rained; so they all ’sembled at de church an’ called on John tuh pray, an’ he got down an’ prayed:

  “Lord, first thing, I want you tuh understand that dis ain’t no nigger talking tuh you. This is uh white man talking tuh you now an’ I want you tuh hear me. I don’t worry an’ bother you all de time like dese niggers, an’ when I do ast uh favor I want it granted. Now, Lord, I want some rain. Our crops is all burnin’ up, an’ I want you tuh send rain. I don’t mean fuh you to come in uh hell of uh storm lak you done las’ year. You kicked up as much racket as niggers at uh barbecue. I mean fuh you tuh come quiet an’ easy. Now, another blessing I want tuh ast of you, Lord. Don’t let dese niggers be as sassy as they have in the past. Keep ’em in their places, Lord. Amen.”

  —JAMES PRESLEY.

  You know, niggers is so skeered uh white folks dat one time two men wuz roofin’ uh house an’ one of ’em slipped an’ fell off de house. When he wuz half-way tuh de groun’ he give up tuh die; but he seen he wuz ’bout tuh fall on uh white woman—so he turnt right roun’ and fell back upon dat house.

  —LARKINS WHITE.

  ’Twuz uh white lady walkin’ cross de street. Uh colored man stood looking after her as she passed by. She looked nice tuh him, so he said: “Long dere’s life dere’s hopes.”

  He didn’t see a white man standing right behind him. So de white man said, “Yes, an’ long as dere’s a limb, dere’s ropes.”

  —RAYMOND MCGILL.

  In Mississippi a black horse run away with a white lady. When they caught the horse they lynched him, and they hung the harness and burnt the buggy.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  A Hunter

  Uh man wuz hunting before hunting season. De game warden slipped upon ’im and said: “I hafter arrest you fer killing game dat you oughten tuh. No need looking so wild and so fear, I have a thirty-two hanging right here.”

  Dis is whut de nigger told him: “Mister Game Warden, would you ’rest me fur dat?”

  “I’ll hafter ’rest you. I know jest where you wuz at. I could have ’rest you when you wuz comin’ through towm, but I knowed damn well I’d have tuh run you down.”

  He taken him up to de courthouse and de gam warden said: “I have uh man fur killin’ uh squirrel.”

  Judge: “Yes, we’re not going to give him a whirl.”

  Game Warden: “We have uh man for killing a deer.”

  Judge: “We’ll just have to give him one year.”

  Game Warden: “We have uh man fur killin’ a quail.”

  Judge: “Dat’s white folks’ meat. We’ll put him under de jail.”

  —FLOYD THOMAS.

  Durin’ slavery time they didn’t ’low niggers tuh eat biscuit bread; but Ole Miss had uh cook dat uster steal biscuits an’ eat ’em. Ole Miss had uh parrot dat roosted out in de kitchen an’ tole her all dat went on.

  One day, jus’as she taken some biscuits out de pan, she heard Ole Miss comin’ so she hid de biscuits under de cushion in de cheer an’ made out lak she wuz busy doin’ somethin’ else. De parrot saw her, but she wuzn’t payin’ him no mind. Ole Miss started tuh set down in de cheer an’ de parrot hollered: “Hot biscuits, Ole Miss! Burn yo’ behind *!” He kept dat up till she looked under de cushion an’ foun’ de bread. Then she had forty lashes put on dat cook’s back.

  Dat made de cook mad wid dat ole parrot, so one day when Ole Miss wuz gone away, she turned her clothes up over her head an’ backed up tuh de parrot an’ it skeered ’im so bad till he dropped dead. Ever since den, if uh parrot sees uh naked behind he’ll drop dead.

  —BERTHA ALLEN.

  Big Talk†

  During slavery time two ole niggers wuz talkin’ an’ one said tuh de other one: “Ole Massa made me so mad yis-tiddy till I give ’im uh good cussin’ out. Man, I called ’im everything wid uh handle on it.”

  De other one says, “You didn’t cuss Ole Massa, didja? Good God! Whut did he do tuh yuh?”

  “He didn’t do nothin’, an’ man, I laid one cussin’ on ’im! I’m uh man lak dis, I won’t stan’ no hunchin! I betcha he won’t bother me no mo’.”

  “Well, if you cussed ’im an’ he didn’t do nothin’ tuh you, de nex’time he make me mad I’m goin’tuh lay uh hearin’on him.”

  Nex’ day de nigger did somethin’, Ole Massa got in behind ’im an’ he turnt round an’ give Ole Massa one good cussin’. An’ Ole Massa had ’im took down an’ whupped nearly tuh death. Nex’ time he saw dat other nigger he says tuh ’im: “Thought you tole me you cussed Ole Massa out an’ he never opened his mouf!”

  “I did.”

  “Well, how come he never did nothin’ tuh yuh? I did it an’ he come nigh killin’ uh me.”

  “Man, you didn’t go cuss ’im tuh his face, didja?”

  “Sho I did. Ain’t dat whut you tole me you done?”

  “Naw, I didn’t say I cussed ’im tuh his face. You sho is crazy. Man, I thought you had mo’ sense than dat. When I cussed Ole Massa he wuz settin’ on de front porch an’ I wuz down at de big gate.”

  De other nigger wuz mad, but he didn’t let on. Way afterwhile he ’proached de nigger dat got ’im de beatin’ an’ tole ’im: “Know whut I done tuhday?”

  “Naw, whut you done—give Ole Massa ’nother cussin’?”

  “Naw, I ain’t never goin’ do dat no mo’. I peeped up under Ole Misses drawers.”

  “Man, hush yo’ mouf! You knows you ain’t looked up under Ole Misses clothes!”

  “Yes I did, too. I looked right up intuh her very drawers!”

  “You better hush dat talk! Somebody goin’ hear you an’ Ole Massa’ll have you kilt.”

  “Well, I sho done it an’ she never done nothin’ neither.”

  “Well, whut did she say?”

  “Not uh mumblin’ word; an’ I stopped an’ looked jus’ as long as I wanted tuh an’ went on ’bout my business.”

  “Well, de nex’ time I see her settin’ out on de porch I’m goin’ tuh look, too.”

  “Help yo’self.”

  Dat very day Ole Miss wuz settin’ out on de proch in de cool uh de evenin’ all dressed up in her starchy white clothes. She had her legs all crossed up an’ de nigger walked up tuh de edge uh de porch an’ peeped up under Ole Misses clothes. She took an hollered an’ Ole Massa come out an’ had dat nigger almost kilt alive.

  When he wuz able tuh be about agin he said tuh de other nigger: “Thought you tole me you peeped up under Ole Misses drawers?”

  “I sho did.”

  “Well, how come she never done nothin’ tuh you? She got me nearly kilt.”

  “Man, when I looked up under Ole Misses drawers they wuz hangin’ out on de clothes line. You didn’t go look up in ’em while she had ’em on, didja? You sho is uh fool! I thought you had mo’ sense than dat, I ’clare I did. It’s uh wonder he didn’t kill you dead. Umph, umph, umph! You sho ain’t got no sense atall.”

  —CLIFFORD ULMER.*

  Moufy Emma†

  During slavery there was a girl who tattled to the white folks. If the Negroes said just the smallest thing, she would run and blab it, so they named her Moufy Emma.

  When she was sent to the well for water, she would stand around to hear what the other slaves had to say so she could tell it when she went back to the big house. But one thing—she was crazy about pomegranites.

  She had got some slaves whipped to death and some others beat up pretty bad; so they decided to get rid of her before she killed any more—so they poisoned a pomegranite and laid it on the well.

  As soon as she came to the well and saw the pomegranite, she took it and ate it. By the time that she got back to the house she tried to tell Ole Miss that some of the Negroes had been picking her pomegranites, her lips began to turn wrong side out and she died.

  The next day, when they to
ok her to the place where slaves were buried, they began to sing a little song:

  “Same way you done Brother Jefiries

  Same way come back to you.

  Mouf is de cause of it all.

  There’s Brother Johnson laying over yonder

  Same way come back to you.

  There’s Sister Clue, too, laying over yonder

  Same way come back to you.

  Oh, mouf is de cause of it all.”

  They sang about all the graves of the people Moufy Emma had got killed, then they buried her still singing; and when they threw the last lump of dirt on her they said: “Mouf is de cause of it all.”

  —LOUISE NOBLE.

  Once in slavery time Ole Master had a slave named John. One day John stole one uh Ole Master’s sheep and took ’im home. Befo’ he could git it on de fire he seen Ole Master coming. So he took it an’ hid it in de baby cradle, an’ when Ole Master got dere he wuz sitting down rocking de sheep, making out it wuz uh baby.

  Ole Master come on in de house. He seen John when he tool dat sheep but he didn’t let on. John wuz juster rockin’ away. Ole Master ast him, “John, whut you got in dat cradle?”

  John kept on rocking away and tole him, “It’s us baby, Massa, it’s uh new baby we got.”

  “Lemme see ’im, John.”

  “Naw, Massa, I can’t let you see ’im. De doctor say not tuh take de cover offen him till he say so.”

  “You better let me see ’im, John. I might kin cure ’im.”

  “Naw, you can’t, Master. De doctor says not.”

  “Well, John, I don’t care whut de doctor says, I’m gwinter see dat baby uh yours.”

  John got up ready tuh run, an’ he says to Massa: “Well, Massa, I put dat in dere uh baby. I don’t give a damn whut it done turnt to.”

  —JAMES MOSELEY.

  * A plantation slave-dance imitating a buzzard in flight.

  * Originally typed “buttocks” but changed in the manuscript.

  * In 1935, on a folklore expedition with Alan Lomax and Mary Barnicle, Hurston recorded John Davis’s rendition of this tale.

  Tall Tales

  The Ugliest Man†

  I seen a man so ugly he kin go behind a jimpson weed and hatch monkeys.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  I seen a man so ugly he had to take a hammer to bed to break day.

  —JOE WILEY.

  I seen a man so ugly he could git behind a tombstone and hatch hants (ghosts).

  —F. BRADLEY.

  I seen a man so ugly they threw him in Dog River and they could skim ugly for six months.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  I saw a man so ugly he didn’t die—he uglied away.

  —GEORGE HARRIS.

  I saw a man so ugly till at night when he get ready to go to bed he have to take a gatling gun with him to keep ugly from sittin’ on him and killin’ him.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  Hey, fellow, I am going to tell you the truth. I saw a man so ugly until he could turn sweet milk into cherry wine.

  There wuz uh man so ugly dat he could crack all de lookin’ glasses in uh town as soon as he got off de train.

  —CLIFFERT ULMER.

  The Meanest Man†

  A man was so mean he greased another man and swallowed him whole.

  —GEORGE HARRIS.

  I seen a man so bad till he had to tote a pistol to the pump with him to keep from getting in a fight with himself.

  —EDWARD MORRIS.

  I seen a man so bad till every time he set down he print “dangerous” in red on the chair.

  —LORENZO MORRIS.

  I know a man was so hungry that he never ate no food, because it never would fill him up. He had to eat iron and bricks for his dinner, you know he was hungry.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  No, man, that man wasn’t hungry. I know a man was so hungry that he salted and peppered himself and swallowed himself and left nothing but his shadow.

  —EDWARD MORRIS.

  I saw a man shoot another with a gun and the bullet worked de man twice before he died and three times after. If you hold it high, it sweep the sky; if you hold it level, it will kill the devil.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  Once I wuz an engineer on a train and I had a friend and his nose wuz so big I thought it was a tunnel, and I ran up his nose and ran into another train, and it was switching box cars in his nose.

  —F. BRADLEY.

  I knowed a man so smart he had the seven year itch and scratched it out in three months.

  Whut’s de fastest man you ever seed run? I seen uh man running so fast (away from de white folks) he turnt roun’ and got in his own hip pocket, running so fast.

  —MAE OLIVER.

  I’ve seen a man run so fast till de sheriff had to wire ahead tuh de people tuh hold ’im till his shadder got dere.

  —F. BRADLEY.

  Once there was a man so lazy until he would pray to God if there was any work around his heart, please cast it into the river of forgetfulness where it would never rise to condemn him.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  The Tallest Man†

  Whut is de tallest man you ever seen? De tallest man I ever seen could stand knee deep in hell an’ shake hands wid Gabriel.

  —EUGENE OLIVER.

  Whut’s de biggest man you ever seen? Dat drives over me. I know a man so big dat when he went to whip his boy, de boy runned under his stomach and stayed hid under dere six months.

  —MAE OLIVER.

  The Shortest Man†

  I seen a man so low he had to git on a ladder tuh pick sweet potatoes, an’ den he tuh reach up an’ pull ’im wid a hoe.

  —JULIUS HENRY.

  Whut is de shortest man you ever seen? I seen uh man so short he had tuh get upon uh box tuh look over uh grain uh sand.

  —ARTHUR HOPKINS.

  The Stingiest Man†

  There was a man so stingy he used to climb upon top of the house and chunk the wood down the stove pipe to keep from wearing out his stove door.

  —WILL HOUSE.

  I know a man who wouldn’t walk on moonshine nights to keep from wearing out his shadow.

  I seen uh man so stingy dat he wouldn’t eat uh ham sandwich out in de sunlight—skeered his shadow might ast him fur some.

  —WILLIE CLARKE.

  I seen a man so stingy when he killed uh hawg, he throwed uh sack over his head to keep him from squealing. Said he wuz losing pork.

  Whut’s the stingiest man you ever seen? I seen a man so stingy he wouldn’t give God uh honest prayer without snatching back amen.

  —EUGENE OLIVER.

  I knowed a man and he was foreman and he was so stingy that when three of his men on the job got blowed up, he docked ’em for the time they was up in the air.

  —JOE WILEY.

  The Blackest Man†

  I seen a man so black till lightning bugs followed him at twelve o’clock in the day—thinking it’s night.

  —DAVID LEVRITT.

  I seen a man so black till he could spit ink.

  —LORENZO MORRIS.

  I seen a man so black till he could go naked and everybody would think he was dressed in deep mourning.

  —DAVID LEVRITT.

  Ah seen a woman so black dat her husband had to spread a white sheet over her at night so sleep could slip upon her.

  —FLOYD THOMAS.

  A man had a wife and she was so small that she got in a storm and never got wet because she stepped between the drops.

  —FLOYD THOMAS.

  My old man had a cow. She give so much milk they had to build a platform under de calf to keep him from drowning.

  —J. WILLIAMS.

  I seen a cow so swaybacked that she could use de bushy part of her tail for a umbrella over her head.

  —FRED COOPER.

  The Fastest Horse†

  My father owned uh fast horse—I mean uh fast horse. We lived in Ocala. Mah mother took sick an’ my father come a
n’ said: “Skeet, you oughter wired yo’ sister in St. Petersburg.”

  I tole ’im I just wired her an’ he ast me whut I put in it, an’ I tole ’im. He says: “Dat ain’t right. I’m going ketch it.”

  He went out in de pasture an’ caught de horse, shod ’im, curried ’im and breshed ’im and put de saddle on ’im, an’ got on ’im an’ caught de telegram, read it and took it tuh mah sister.

  Mother said: “You chillun make uh fire in de stove an’ fix somethin’ for de ole man tuh eat.” Befo’ she could git de word out her mouf, him an’ mah sister rid up tuh de do’ an’ said “whoa!”

  That time uh flea ast me fur uh shoeshine—so I left.

  —“NIGGER” HENRY BIRD.

  My dad had a mare wid a lil colt and one day it come up a rain wid thunder and lightning and de lightning struck de mare and kilt her and run dat colt four days and nights and couldn’t ketch him.

  —JERRY BENNETT.

  Dat same colt when he got bigger, my ole man hitched him to de plow to plow up some new ground, and he was so fast till he turned ten acres outside de fence.

  —JERRY BENNETT.

  The Poorest Horse†

  Whut’s de poorest horse you ever seen? I seen one so poor dat he had to stand in one place twice to make a shadder.

  Oh, dat wuz a fat horse. I seen one so poor until de man drove him up in town in front o’ de post office, an’ got ’im uh letter and went round one side of de horse to read it in secret, looked roun’—twuz uh man on de other side de horse readin’ de letter fast as he wuz.