Way of the Barefoot Zombie

by Jasper Bark

  "You're soused."

  "I'm nothing of the sort. And this isn't about me, it's about you. I thought things were going to change. I thought you promised to start making an effort from now on."

  "Could we do this later? I've got people coming."

  "And I've got people here already. Your room is a pig sty and I've just laid out five million dollars so you can run off and play at being a vampire. Is it too much to ask that you uphold your side of the bargain?"

  "It's Zombies Mom, not vampires, Zombies. And you didn't lay out five million. Richard agreed to put it up to prove to you what a fuck up I am, because he expects me to fail."

  "Don't you go disparaging Richard."

  "Why not? That's all he does to me."

  "He's been very generous to the both of us. He's opened his heart and his home to us and we owe him for that."

  "That's bullshit Mom! Richard bought you to have something beautiful to show off on his arm. Just like those Picassos and the Matisse he has downstairs. He's not an art lover, he just wants to show people what he can afford to buy."

  His Mom went really quiet. She was real mad. No she was beyond mad. He'd said too much, way too much. Suddenly he was a little boy again, caught playing with matches and the world was about to fall on his head. Shit, was he going to cry?

  No, his Mom beat him to it. A huge, great tear ran down her cheek and took a gob of mascara with it. She knocked back the Martini and sat down on the bed.

  "Look Mom, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..."

  "No, no, you're right," she said, opening a draw in the bedside table and pulling out a pack of Winstons.

  "I didn't know you smoked," he said as she lit one.

  "I could fill a book with what you don't know," she said, blowing out smoke. He felt very small and foolish. "I know this hasn't been easy on you. I know you miss your father. Hell, there are times when I miss him, even after everything he put me through. He was so handsome. You look so much like him too, even with all your Frankenstein make up."

  "It's Zombie Mom."

  "He was great in the sack too. Probably the best I ever had."

  "Mom, too much information."

  "What? You think because you're young you've got the market on sex cornered? Why do you think Richard took us in? Do you think anyone's ever done him better than I have?"

  "Eew, gross Mom, that's an image I don't want."

  "It might surprise you to find that quite a few men still find me attractive," she paused and gave him a serious look. "When did I lose you Benjamin? We used to be so close. We used to tell each other everything. Do you have any idea how much I miss that?"

  Benjamin didn't say anything. He felt embarrassed and uncomfortable. Why was she suddenly getting all Melrose Place on him?

  "There was this one time, you were only seven years old, but you were so wise and brave you nearly broke my heart. I'd just found out that your father had pawned all my jewellery. Everything that my mother had left to me. She died when I was eighteen and that's all I had to remember her by. There was stuff in there that went back to my great, great grandmother. Things she'd had made personally, unique and irreplaceable. He pawned them and blew everything in a crap game. I wasn't ever going to see any of it again.

  "I was kneeling on the kitchen floor and I was sobbing my heart out. For the jewellery that I'd lost. The mother that I'd lost and for the whole marriage your father had thrown away on countless card tables and horse races. Then I hear your little feet come up behind me. You put your hands on my shoulders and you lead me to the table. Then you fished your Mickey Mouse handkerchief out your pocket and you handed it to me and do you remember what you said. Do you remember? You said... you said: 'Dry your eyes Princess. Cos I'm here now and I won't let anything bad happen to you.'

  "And I flung my arms around you and I cried even more. But not for what I'd lost. For what I'd found. I realised that what I had in my arms was a million times more precious than any stupid jewellery. And he'll never take this away from me, I thought. He'll never take this away. But I was wrong.

  "It was the vase wasn't it? That damned Lalique that Richard was so proud of." She stopped and dabbed her eyes with a tissue. Benjamin hung his head with a shame that was eight years old and still powerful.

  He hadn't known his Dad like he did now. He used to save up the weekly allowance Richard gave him for his Dad's monthly visits. That way they'd have money for all the things his father would take him out to, funfairs, meals out, ice cream parlours. He even paid for the gas to drive them there.

  His Dad would always go on about how much money Richard had. And how he'd have that much money one day, Benjamin would see. All it took was one winning streak. Then he'd buy the hot dogs. You could be sure he would.

  He started to ask Benjamin about all the nice things Richard had about the house. Asked him if there were any items that Richard wouldn't miss. Expensive things that his Dad could loan to his friends for safe keeping. Only there was this horse and it couldn't miss and when it came in the two of them could go on holiday together. All he needed was to raise enough cash.

  Benjamin took the vase and gave it to his Dad. He knew it was precious because Richard had said so. His Dad said he'd give it back to him before anyone even noticed. That was the last he saw of the vase. And his Dad for a long while.

  "I told Richard I'd broken it while dusting you know," his Mom said. "He was furious. He wanted to know what I was doing demeaning myself when he paid a staff of cleaners to do the dusting. He actually sold some of the jewellery he bought me to recoup the loss of the vase. Can you believe that? What is it about men and my jewellery?

  "I confronted your father of course. Told him if he ever did that again I'd have him thrown in jail and he'd never see you again. He got so mad at me he refused to see you for years. And who did you hold responsible? After I'd lied to protect you.

  "You stopped speaking to me. You were the only man I ever loved who didn't shit all over me. My father did, he was a bastard, and both my husbands have had their moments. There was only you and yet we drift further and further apart every day. Why am I always in the wrong? Why don't you ever cut me some slack? What's so bad about the life I've given you? What do you want that you don't have?"

  "A life that I actually like for a start," He shouldn't have said that. "Look Mom I don't want to fight. I still love you, but you know I'm not seven now. I'm sorry if I don't give you my Mickey Mouse handkerchief anymore, but I've got my own things going on."

  "Just tell me what I need to say Benjamin. Tell me what I need to do to make it all better. Mommy always used to make it all better, remember? Once upon a time there wasn't anything I couldn't fix."

  He could feel his eyes filling up with tears. She had a way of doing that to him. No matter how old or independent he got there were buttons only she could push.

  "Mom. Can we please not do this now, I've got people on the way and you've..."

  There was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" said his Mom.

  "Sorry to disturb you Ma'am," said one of the staff. "But there's been a disturbance downstairs with one of Master Benjamin's guests."

  "I'll be right there."

  "No Mom, it's okay, I'll go. It's my friend. You fix your make-up and go look after your guests."

  A couple of hours later Tatyana arrived. She was the last to get there. She phoned Benjamin on his mobile and he went to meet her at the side entrance.

  She looked fabulous. Everyone had pushed the boat out with their Zombie make up but he'd never seen her go to such trouble. She could have been the real thing.

  She winced as he kissed her. "Wait a minute. That split lip and those bruises are real aren't they?"

  "Some of them," she admitted.

  "It's your father isn't it?" he could feel his rage rising like mercury in a thermometer. "Motherfucker!" He punched the security pad by the side gate and felt a stabbing pain shoot up his arm. Tatyana led him towards the house.

  "He's not himself l
ately," she said. She was always making excuses for her father, in spite of what a bastard he was. "He's being threatened with extradition. President Putin wants to prosecute him for tax evasion. He could go to prison. He's worried about becoming another Mikhail Khodorovsky."

  "Who?"

  "You're so American some times. If it doesn't happen in your backyard then you don't want to know about it. Don't you ever watch CNN?"

  "Richard does, I prefer to be out the room when he's around."

  "Mikhail Khodorovsky used to be the wealthiest man in my country. He was an oil tycoon who was charged with fraud by the Prosecutor General's office and sent to prison for nine years. Things are not good in my country and Putin likes to throw the masses an oligarch's head now and again to keep them quiet. Now he's got my father in his sights."

  "Well if you ask me your father deserves to go to prison."

  "Thanks, and where does that leave me and my Mother? We'll have to go back to Russia with him. He'll lose most of his money and that means I won't be able to come on the mission with you."

  "Oh."

  "Oh indeed."

  "That still doesn't give him the right to knock you around."

  "Okay, can we drop it now. Are the others here?"

  "They're in the den. Klaus got here first. He parked his old truck on Richard's ornamental lawn. When I got there he was calling the staff fascists and pawns of capitalist exploitation."

  "Hah! That sounds like Klaus. Doesn't stop him enjoying the benefits of your step dad's capitalist exploitation."

  "First thing he did when he got in was grab a bottle of Dom Perignon and a jar of Beluga."

  They headed down the basement stairs and into the den. "White Zombie?" he heard Dan say. "I don't get it?"

  "Ja," said Klaus. "If you're wanting a black and white movie why aren't you picking I Walked with a Zombie?"

  "No. You're not getting it," said Andy. "It's the birth of the genre. The first Zombie film ever made. What better film to have playing as your child comes into the world?"

  "Nein," said Klaus. "I am still casting my vote for Brain Dead. It has the first scene of Zombies giving birth."

  "In a Zombie's case," said Andy. "I think technically it's called 'giving death'."

  Tatyana didn't tend to join in with the guys' debates. She went and gave Tweakie a hug.

  "I love your new hair," she said running her fingers through Tweakie's bright red locks.

  "Thanks," said Tweakie. " I was going for a Linnea Quigley in Return of the Living Dead look. Hey check it out, have you seen my new eye?"

  "Oh my God that's so cool," said Tatyana, touching the prosthetic eyeball that dangled out of Tweakie's socket. "Did you make it yourself?"

  "Yeah, I did it at work. Told them I was trying out some new effects. We're waiting to see if we get this gig with HBO."

  "Doing make-up or effects?" said Benjamin.

  "Both," Tweakie said. "Should be a blast. Six Feet Under but with Zombies. That's the pitch."

  "Awesome," said Benjamin.

  "What are the boys arguing about?" said Tatyana.

  "Dan wants to know what film he should have playing as his kid is born," said Tweakie.

  "How long to go now?" Tatyana asked Dan.

  "Six weeks. Hey, check it out, I've got this birthing pool for Sarah right, she's gonna have a home birth. We're gonna spray it black and have eyeballs and severed arms floating in the water when Sarah gets in. Man, the midwife's gonna shit! Loving your make-up incidentally, how'd you get that grey mottled skin?"

  "That's an air brush job, right?" said Tweakie.

  "Right," said Tatyana. "Is that, like, a shroud you're wearing?"

  "It's a smock," said Dan. "I'm going for a classic Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue look. I've been watching it a lot recently. They have it playing on a loop at Romero's when I'm behind the bar."

  "Ja," said Klaus. "That's why you never get any work done."

  "Least I don't clean the toilet with my head. When you gonna get a proper haircut?"

  "The Mohican is a classic look," said Klaus running his hand over the stiff purple hair. He was a tiny guy with a big beak of a nose and small round glasses. "Zombies are the ultimate Punks. The two looks go perfectly. The Zombie rebels against the graveyard. The punk rebels against society. I am being the ultimate rebel against the living death of capitalism. Hey that reminds me Benjamin, did you find that old Rolex you were going to be lending me?"

  "No I gave it to Andy. He's using it to house some of the radio equipment we'll need."

  "What, we're gonna have wristwatch radios?" said Dan. "Just like Dick Tracy?"

  "Err, no," said Andy. "That's science-fiction. This is the real world, where the dead walk."

  Benjamin loved Andy. A lot of people found him hard to take cos of his Asperger's Syndrome. But once you got past his odd manner and his freakish intelligence he was one of the sweetest guys you could meet.

  Andy dropped his knapsack on the card table and pulled out Benjamin's Rolex, a pair of limited edition Reeboks and an aerosol.

  "This is what I wanted to show you two," he said to Benjamin and Tatyana. "This is how we're going to stay in touch."

  "Why can't we just text?" said Tweakie.

  "There's no mobile reception or internet access," said Benjamin. "They block it all to keep you isolated."

  "Which is why we're going to communicate with miniaturised long wave radios," said Andy. "I've disguised it so you can carry it in without being detected." He folded an aerial out of the aerosol, took the soles off the shoes to reveal the receivers and showed them how to assemble the disguised equipment.

  "Whoa, that is totally old school James Bond," said Dan. "You're like the undead Q, Andy."

  "Yes I am. Licensed to chill. And there's more." Andy held up the Rolex. "I've replaced the workings of the watch with a device capable of releasing an electro magnetic pulse. This will overload the circuits of any security lock. There won't be anywhere you won't be able to enter."

  "That is so cool Andy," said Benjamin.

  He put his arm around Andy's shoulder to congratulate him. Andy stiffened and put his hands up. "No touching!"

  Benjamin backed away. "Sorry bro, I forgot."

  "That's perfectly alright. Worse things happen at sea."

  "Yeah, speaking of which," said Tweakie, wearing a bemused expression. "What's the latest on your Dad's yacht?"

  "Richard's yacht," Benjamin corrected her. "I've had keys copied without Richard knowing. I'll give them to you before you head off to the marina. Remember to board when its dark and to sail at first light."

  "Yeah, yeah, okay dog, we know the plan," said Dan. "What's with all this 'sail at first light' shit? What are you, the Ancient Mariner?"

  "It's the safest time to leave the marina without being seen," said Benjamin. "Andy, do you think you can handle the sat-nav?"

  "If I can handle advanced calculus with a migraine and severe allergies, I don't think a little thing like a sat-nav is going to phase me."

  "Probably not," said Benjamin. "Follow the coast down to Florida but stay in open water. You don't want the coast guard coming down on your ass. Then it's straight across the Gulf of Mexico."

  "I am loving this," said Klaus. "We are using the using the trappings of Western consumerism as a weapon to undo it. Hey, we can still get cable while we're out in open water can't we? I will be dying if I miss Wheel of Fortune."

  "I dunno Klaus," said Benjamin. "I'll get it taped for you if you can't. Now you'll be okay to locate the island won't you? Cos you know it's not on any maps."

  "We'll be okay Ben," said Tweakie, putting her hands on his shoulders. She turned to Tatyana. "Does he always fuss like an old woman?"

  "He hasn't even started yet," said Tatyana with a smile.

  "So it's for real then?" said Dan. "We're actually doing this. We're going to put the Zombie Liberation Front on the map and wake up all the Deathwalkers."

  "Hey, ja," said Klaus. "You know w
hat we should do? When we free all the Zombies we should be taking one to Romero's. Give him a plate of brains and leave him at the bar."

  "That'd put the shits up all those teeny Deathwalkers who hang out there" said Dan. "They think they're so radical cos they go on Zombie Crawl once a month."

  "No I'm having it even better," said Klaus. "We take a bunch of them to Zombiestock. Not even Burning Man has a pack of real Zombies. We'll become the top festival."

  "You could get some to perform onstage with your band," Dan said to Tweakie. "That'll get you on the main stage."

  "Are you dumbasses for real?" said Tweakie, shaking her head. "Have you forgotten why we're doing this? If we try and turn these noble monsters into some side show attraction we're no better than the rich bastards who are exploiting them."

  "We're going to release them into a safe jungle environment," said Tatyana. "Somewhere where they're beyond the reach of civilised man and his exploitative ways."

  "Like the Bronx you mean?" said Dan.

  "Not the Bronx wise ass," Tweakie smacked the back of his head then turned to Benjamin. "Where are we taking them exactly?"

  That was the tiny flaw in his plan. "I'm still working on that," he admitted. "Don't worry I'll find somewhere before we leave though."

  "You better," Tweakie warned him. "Cos it's your butt it's gonna come out of if you don't."

  "We're going to be out in open water with a hold full of noble monsters," said Tatyana. "I don't think it's just Benjamin's pert little butt that it's gonna come out of."

  "Listen guys," said Benjamin. "I don't want to get all sentimental on you or nothing. But I just want to say thanks. For ages I've been looking for a group of committed individuals to take Deathwalking to the next logical level. Now that I've found you, well, I couldn't be happier."

  "Hey, don't sweat it dog," said Dan. "We got your back. We're family."

  "Here's to the ZLF," said Andy raising his soda in a toast.

  Everyone raised their drinks. "To the ZLF."

  "Ja," said Klaus raising the half empty champagne bottle. "We are tearing down the beliefs of the Bourgeoisie and trampling the opiate of the masses. Hey, do you think anyone upstairs can get me some coke?"