No Heaven, No Hell

by J. T. Brindle

  It wasn’t just the bad day, or Liz complaining the minute he stepped through the door. Nor was it the girls being late, though he worried for them every minute of every day. No, there was something else eating away at him, something gnawing at his reason and sending him half-crazy. If he knew what it was, he might be able to deal with it, but he didn’t. All he knew was that he sensed something fearful ahead. Something he had not felt for many, many years. An almighty, indestructible sense of evil.

  ‘If you’ve had a bad day, you still shouldn’t take it out on us.’ Sensing a weakness in his armour, Ginny pushed in front of her sister. Facing Jack with an expression as stern as his own, she told him, ‘It’s not our fault if your ovens have gone wrong. You’re supposed to be the businessman. You should be prepared for these eventualities.’ She prided herself on being educated. Speaking down to her father gave her a great sense of satisfaction.

  Jack couldn’t believe his ears. ‘What was that you said?’

  Smirking, she glanced at Lianne before returning her attention to her father. ‘I said, you’re supposed to be the businessman. You should be prepared for eventualities like the ovens breaking down.’

  Suddenly she was reeling backwards, her lip bleeding where he had hit out blindly with his fist. For a moment they stared at each other: she with her hand up and the blood trickling through her fingers, and he with a look of horror that only matched the horror in his darkest memory. For one terrible minute he was back there. In that house. With her. And all around was the smell of death.

  ‘I hate you!’ she whispered, yet her voice was so penetrating that she might have been shouting from the rooftops.

  He couldn’t move. He wanted to say he was sorry, to tell her it was not meant. He could never hurt her. He loved her too much. Loved her too much. That was his terrible sin. Virginia. Not this one. The other one. The one from his memories.

  His heart turned over as he saw the hatred in his own daughter’s eyes. Was that why he smothered her with love? With his fear? Dear God! Oh, dear God.

  Sensing something beyond her understanding, Lianne moved sideways. Standing beside her sister, she too stared at him. ‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ she chided, looking at the bloodstains on Ginny’s blouse. She wanted to hit him, to hurt him like he had hurt Ginny. ‘She hasn’t done anything wrong.’ Oh, but she had. Yet she couldn’t help it, because she was bad. Ginny was bad, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.

  ‘I know,’ he admitted. Still he couldn’t bring himself to say he was sorry. He was not sorry. He was angry and confused, and his whole life seemed to be falling apart.

  The sound of the doorbell rang through the room, shattering his nerves. Beyond the room he could hear Liz’s voice, and the voice of a stranger, a woman. Yet it wasn’t a stranger, for he thought he recognised the woman’s voice. Then Liz was saying, ‘If you’ll wait in here; I’ll fetch him.’

  In charge once more he ordered the girls, ‘You’d better go upstairs. Get washed and changed. Your mother will call you when she’s ready.’

  As the girls went out, Liz came in. ‘There’s someone to see you,’ she announced. ‘They’re in the lounge.’

  ‘For Christ’s sake, Liz! I don’t want to see anyone. What made you invite them in when you know I’ve a mountain of paperwork to get through?’

  A cheeky smile curved the corners of her mouth. ‘They look like they’re worth a bob or two,’ she whispered. ‘I shouldn’t be too quick to turn them away.’ Like Ginny, she had nothing against being wealthy.

  Jack would have questioned her further but she hurried out of the room. ‘I’ll make some tea,’ she called. Then she was gone.

  Ginny lingered on the stairs. ‘Come here.’ Plucking at Lianne’s sleeve she drew her back. ‘Shh!’ Crouching on the stair she bade Lianne do the same. With her slim finger she pointed to the lounge, her voice filled with awe as she whispered, ‘Look there.’

  Lianne leaned forward. The lounge door was open. Straining her neck to see inside, she regarded the two women with interest; the older one with the stern expression, and the other a coarser-looking woman, but with a kinder, softer face. ‘Who are they?’ She examined Katherine with interest. ‘She looks like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations.’ Certainly, with her stiff regal posture, snow-white hair beautifully coiled at the nape of her neck, and slim hands clasped over her lap, Katherine made a very formidable figure. ‘Wonder what they want with our dad.’

  Ginny was bewitched. ‘Didn’t you see them before?’ she asked wondrously, her dark eyes intent on Katherine. ‘Didn’t you see her?’

  Afraid she might be punished, Lianne regarded Katherine with renewed interest. ‘No, I’ve never seen her before.’ Inching away she remarked, ‘Why? Have you seen her before?’

  Ginny nodded. ‘Just now. These are the two biddies in that chauffeur-driven car.’ Pointing to Katherine, she suggested, ‘She’s the important one.’ Her whole face lit up as she whispered excitedly, ‘She’s the one with money.’

  Something about her sister’s smile, about the way she couldn’t take her avaricious eyes off that old lady, was very disturbing. ‘We’d better go upstairs.’ Beginning to move away she did her best to persuade Ginny that it was folly to remain on the stairs. ‘If Dad sees us here, it’ll start him off again.’

  Long slim fingers reached to press her down. ‘Shut up and stay where you are. I want to listen. I have to know why they’re here.’

  Frightened as a mouse, Lianne remained close, hiding behind her sister, hoping they would not be seen, and silently praying there would be no more trouble.

  They watched Jack stride across the hallway. From his set face and purposeful manner it was obvious he was still angry.

  Outside the lounge door, Jack cleared his throat, straightened his tie, painted a smile on to his unhappy features and, pushing open the door, stepped inside.

  At first his mind couldn’t take in what his eyes were seeing. The moment he stepped into that room he was surrounded by everything he had striven for so long to shut out: the past and all that went with it. But now it was here. Like a malevolent presence it wrapped itself round him, suffocating, squeezing the life from him. In one split second the smile had gone from his features and in its place was a look of disbelief. He stared at Katherine for what seemed an age.

  ‘Mother?’ It had been so long. So very long, he couldn’t be certain. Only his instincts told him the truth.

  Katherine was on her feet now, walking towards him. ‘I’m sorry, son,’ she was saying, ‘I had to find you.’

  As she came near, he backed away, his insides cringing. His voice was oddly like that of someone else, a young man, not much older than Ginny was now. ‘I don’t want you in my house.’ The words issued through gritted teeth, his head making small violent movements from side to side. ‘I never wanted you here!’ Hysteria spiralled inside him, threatening to take his reason.

  ‘Jack?’ Liz’s entrance had a calming effect. ‘Is everything all right?’ Looking from one to the other, she laid the tray on the coffee-table.

  Maureen stood up, her face wreathed in a smile. ‘I’m Maureen Delaney,’ she offered in her warm Irish accent. Extending her hand for Liz to shake she diffused the atmosphere with her quick tongue. ‘Katherine Louis and meself have travelled all the way from New York to met yer good selves…’ In that inimitable, endearing way she rolled her pretty Irish eyes. ‘I don’t mind telling yer I hated every minute on that blessed aeroplane. What’s more I’m dreading the journey back, so I am.’

  Liz shook her hand. She was puzzled and intrigued. ‘Why would you come all the way from New York, just to meet us?’ This time she was looking at Katherine, expecting an answer from her. ‘Is it to do with Jack’s business?’ she wondered. ‘Have you a proposition? Is that it? But then, being so far away… how would you know about Jack?’ Fear trickled through her and her whole manner changed. ‘Who are you?’

  It was Jack who answered. For Liz’s sake he pu
t on an act. ‘In a far bigger way, this lady is also in catering,’ he said. It was not altogether untrue. His family had been in catering all their lives. Maybe they still were. He didn’t know. ‘The company is looking to expand its business abroad… franchises, that kind of thing. I’ve already told Miss Louis I’m not interested.’

  Somewhat subdued by his apparent dismissal of her, Katherine remained quite still, her brown eyes intent on her beloved son.

  Just a little flustered, Maureen dropped her gaze to the floor. ‘We shouldn’t have come here,’ she muttered.

  ‘I asked who you are,’ Liz said again, ‘and I would like an answer.’ She looked at Jack and knew he was lying. ‘I’m no fool, Jack. Your story doesn’t ring true. There’s talk of franchises, and making a special journey from New York. Obviously, you would like me to believe these people are in business in a big way. It doesn’t seem feasible that they should contact you, a village baker, excellent yes, and with the ability to build your own business in a way you adamantly refuse to do. Yet if by some fluke your name really has been brought to the notice of a bigger company, I believe it would make better sense if that company appointed an agent to contact you.’ Flashing an angry glance at each in turn, she saved the most scathing for Jack. ‘Somebody is lying here. Is it you, Jack? Or is it them?’ She gave Katherine a withering look. ‘I don’t pretend to know what’s going on, but someone had better tell me. And this time I want the truth.’

  Feeling his strength drain away Jack crumpled into the chair. ‘I should have told you,’ he admitted. ‘I wanted to, but God help me, I couldn’t.’

  Liz visibly stiffened. She looked at his handsome face that was now white as chalk. She noticed how guilty he seemed, how small and frightened, how pitifully vulnerable, and her heart ached for him, for herself also. ‘Is this about another woman?’ she asked pointedly, switching her question to Katherine when he seemed not to have heard. ‘Are you here because he’s been seeing another woman… has he broken her marriage? Made her pregnant?’ She smiled coolly but her blood was burning. ‘Is it your daughter? Or granddaughter maybe?’

  Jack sat up straight. ‘Don’t be so bloody stupid!’ He wanted to laugh. How could she think he would even look at another woman? Well, maybe he might look. That was any man’s privilege. But he would never want another woman over her. God! How enlightening! Here she was thinking he’d been poking his dick where it shouldn’t be, when all the time he was battling with his sanity.

  Liz knew him well enough to know that now he was telling the truth. Whatever the reason for the strangers being here, it was not because of Jack having messed with some other woman.

  ‘You’d better explain.’ Without a word, she gestured for the two women to be seated. Then, without betraying the slightest emotion, she poured the tea, handed each one a cup and offered milk and sugar. That done, she offered the same to Jack. When he abruptly refused, she took her own cup and saucer and sat in the big chair, from where she had an excellent view of everyone. ‘Now. The truth, please.’

  Katherine felt it was not her place to betray her identity. That was for her son to do. Convinced that she had conducted herself in a proper manner throughout, she now remained silent.

  Seated beside her and keeping her own counsel, Maureen Delaney felt like an intruder. Embarrassed and overtaken by circumstances, each quietly and deliberately sipped their tea, while Liz stared expectantly at her husband, waiting for the truth. The atmosphere was tense. The truth too terrible to speak it aloud.

  Everyone’s attention turned to Jack, and for Jack it was all too much. With a moan he leaned forward, his big hands covering his face for a moment. When the moment was over, he sprang out of the chair and began pacing the floor.

  Coming to the fireplace he paused, his arms stretched wide, long strong fingers gripping the mantelpiece as he leaned his whole body weight forward. His sorry eyes raked the empty grate. In the ensuing awful silence, he took the time to think, to deliberate on what to do, when to start, how much to reveal. Like a man torn in two, there was one half of him here, in this room with his mother and his wife, and there was the other half, shocked and afraid, back there in New York. In that house where it all happened. And afterwards, when there seemed no end to the nightmare. Could he tell? Should he? No. Not all of it. He could never tell it all.

  Liz’s voice cut through his mind. ‘I’m waiting, Jack.’

  A moment longer. Gathering his thoughts. Gathering his strength. How to start? How to start? What to tell? Not all of it. Some. Just some.

  He hung his head, not daring to turn, not wanting to see their faces. It was Liz he cared about. Not the strangers. They didn’t belong here. He opened his mouth and a groan escaped his lips. A deep agonising groan that only the strangers understood. Sucking in a long breath he stretched himself to full height. Even now, he dared not turn round.

  In a small voice, he told her, ‘I’m sorry I lied, sweetheart.’ He gave a lopsided grin. ‘There I go again, saying sorry.’ It seemed such a small thing, unimportant. Why shouldn’t he say he was sorry? The idea that Liz might have been tempted to correct him brought him closer to her. It was comforting. In the chaos of his mind, it seemed wonderfully normal.

  ‘Go on, Jack.’ Her voice was firm, yet encouraging. It gave him hope.

  ‘I’ve known our visitors for many years,’ he confessed. ‘Long… oh, long before I ever knew you, sweetheart.’ His chest was tight. He could hardly breathe. He tried desperately to press the words back into that dark terrifying place where they had been hidden away for too long. But they played in his mind, making pictures, flicking through his memory like the remnants of a film. Now the words were on his tongue, and suddenly, without him consciously speaking them, they were out in the open, uttering themselves as though they had a life of their own. ‘Maureen Delaney has known me since the day I was born,’ he confessed. ‘The lady with her is Katherine Rachel Louis.’ A pause. Regrets. Then, turning, he raised his gaze to mingle with Liz’s quiet one. ‘Katherine Louis is my mother.’

  There! It was said, and it felt as though a sword had been drawn through his insides.

  He saw the shock in her face. He saw how her brows furrowed with confusion, and the pitiful way her hands clung to the chair edge. Ashamed, he closed his eyes. He heard the quick intake of breath and the long gasp when it was exhaled. He felt Liz’s disbelieving stare on his face, and knew there was no going back. There would never be any escape. Not now. All these years, and now it was almost over. He felt an immense sense of relief. Even though he knew he would have to pay the price. They would all have to pay the price.

  The listeners on the stairs were momentarily struck dumb. Like her mother, Lianne gasped aloud, slumping with shock. Ginny’s mouth fell open, but soon she was smiling. ‘She’s our grandmother!’ she murmured. ‘That wealthy old lady is our grandmother.’ Pressing her hand to her mouth she stifled the bubble of laughter that threatened to burst. With her dark eyes peeping over the top of her fingers she laughed at Lianne. ‘Don’t you see what that means?’ she demanded through her fingertips.

  Lianne edged away. ‘I don’t want to know.’ She had seen that look in her sister’s eyes before and it struck the fear of God into her.

  ‘It means I’ll be rich after all.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t. Even if she is our grandmother, and even if she’s wealthy, it doesn’t mean to say you’re going to be rich. Even you can see that Dad doesn’t want her here. He’s never told us about her, has he? We’ve never known her. We don’t know her now, do we? So it isn’t likely she’ll ever want to leave her money to any of us.’

  ‘You heard what that Irish woman said. Katherine Louis… our grandmother… has come all the way from America to see him.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So! She’s probably ill, dying maybe, and means to leave him everything in her will.’

  ‘That will make Dad rich. Not you.’ Lianne didn’t like where this conversation might be leading.

  �
�You’re right. But he would make a will leaving everything to Mum, and when she dies, it will all come to us.’

  ‘Maybe. When you’re as old as they are now.’

  Ginny softly laughed. ‘You’re so innocent.’ Rage infused her features. ‘Be quiet now. I need to listen.’ She also needed to think, and scheme.

  Moving stealthily down the stairs, the two girls dared to remain within earshot.

  White and shaken, Liz spoke to Jack in a calm dignified voice. ‘Please ask them to leave now.’

  It was Katherine who spoke next. ‘I’m sorry if this has been a shock to you. I had hoped Jack might have told you, but obviously I was wrong.’

  Jack’s voice intervened. ‘My wife wants you to leave, and so do I.’ There was regret in his voice. For one blissful respite he had faced the past and found a certain strength. But it was short lived, because once the two women had gone, he would be put through an interrogation. Maybe not as horrifying as the last time, but an interrogation nevertheless.

  As the four people emerged from the lounge, the two young women on the stairs pressed back so as not to be seen. From their vantage point they could see everything: their parents, apart now, Liz leading the entourage towards the front door and Jack bringing up the rear. Neither looked at the other but kept their eyes straight ahead, Liz staring at the door as if it was a means of escape, and Jack staring at the tall regal figure of Katherine Louis, with the shock still etched on his face. The smaller, plumper person of Maureen Delaney ambled between, a benign smile on her face and the occasional concerned glance at her elderly companion.

  At the door, Katherine offered her apologies. ‘But I can’t say I wish I hadn’t come.’ She addressed her remarks to Liz. ‘Jack is my son. I’m old, and time is running out. I had to find him. You do understand that?’

  Liz was in two minds. She had taken a liking to Katherine. But she could not forgive Jack for lying to her. ‘I suppose any woman would have done the same.’