No Heaven, No Hell

by J. T. Brindle

  ‘Can we be friends, do you think?’

  ‘I have nothing against you,’ Liz told her, ‘and maybe in time we could get to know each other better. But right now I really would like to be alone with my husband.’ Opening the front door she stepped aside and waited for them to leave.

  Jack said nothing. He too wanted them to leave. He wanted them never to come back. He wanted Liz to smile at him, and tease him in the way she always did. He needed that. He needed to feel that nothing had changed. Please God! Don’t let anything change.

  Katherine’s voice gentled into his thoughts. ‘Forgive me, Jack,’ she murmured, ‘but I have never stopped loving you. In all the years when you were gone, I wanted to find you. Time and again I would have tried, but I know how much you needed to be away from me… from everything. Now I want you back. I have to make up for all those lost years, for us both. I yearn for us to be mother and son again, and when I die, I want you to have what is rightfully yours.’

  Jack’s face was like stone. ‘I want nothing from you.’

  ‘Don’t be so unforgiving, Jack. It was a very long time ago. Let me make amends.’ Her brown eyes seemed bulbous, streaked with tiny blood vessels. The meeting with her son had left her weaker, emotionally drained. In him she saw his father. The same handsome features, the same wonderful green eyes, the same strong build. It only made her all the more determined that they should never again be parted from each other. ‘Don’t let me leave without a word of love from you,’ she pleaded.

  For a moment he was mesmerised. When he left her twenty years ago, she was vibrant, stunning to look at. Now she was weary. And so very old. For the briefest heartbeat he felt the smallest compassion. But it soon passed.

  He appealed to Maureen. ‘I wish you had never found me,’ he said coldly. ‘I have a life of my own. There is nothing I want from any of you. Make her see that.’

  Maureen’s smile was like a lifeline to him. ‘I tried to stop her. But she so wanted to find ye.’ Her smile flickered. ‘Ye haven’t changed,’ she said fondly, ‘still the same Jack. Handsome as ever. Ah, sure it does me old heart good to see ye.’ Aware that Katherine was hanging on her every word, she pleaded, ‘Try not to be too harsh with yer mammy, because when all’s said and done we all make mistakes. She only wants to make amends.’

  ‘It’s too late for that,’ he said regretfully. A shiver ran down his back. He glanced up to see Ginny hiding in the shadows. ‘Take her home,’ he urged softly. ‘You mustn’t stay here any longer.’ He could feel Ginny’s dark eyes staring at him. His fear heightened. She must have heard everything. Gently propelling the two women towards the door he warned them in a whisper, ‘You should never have come here.’

  Katherine would not be so easily dismissed. ‘I’ve travelled a long way to see you, Jack,’ she declared. ‘We’re booked in at the Wayside Inn in Leighton Buzzard. I’ll wait for your call. You see, I have no intention of leaving until we’ve resolved our differences.’ She reached out to touch his hand but he moved away. Continuing in a faltering voice she revealed, ‘We have a great deal to talk about, you and I. Besides, how can you ask me to leave without first meeting your daughters?’

  Panic surged through him. Surreptitiously glancing towards the stairway he demanded, ‘How do you know about my daughters? How did you find me?’ Even as he spoke, realisation dawned. ‘Of course!’ Throwing back his head like a man reprieved from the gallows, he accused harshly, ‘You put a private detective on me, didn’t you?’ His smile was a mixture of relief and loathing. ‘Christ almighty! And I thought it was some bloody lunatic skulking about.’ He thought about the way he had made the girls stay in, terrified that they were being stalked, marked by some awful monster from his youth. He recalled the dreadful rows in this house these past few months, and the awful pressure he had been put under, the times he’d sensed he was being followed; the shadowy figure who lurked by the gate at all hours. Jesus! He had even believed he was going insane. In that moment of realisation, he could easily have killed her. ‘For pity’s sake, have you any idea of the worry you’ve caused me?’

  ‘I didn’t intend that.’

  ‘Just go. And don’t ever come back.’ Unable to look her in the eye any longer, he stormed away.

  Liz was a little more gentle. ‘It’s been a shock,’ she explained. ‘You’re a stranger to me. I didn’t know.’ For the first time, Liz felt pity for her. ‘He said he had no family… that you were dead.’ She had so many questions. ‘Why would he say such a terrible thing?’

  Katherine knew, but said, ‘I can’t answer that. You must ask him.’

  ‘Goodbye, Mrs Louis.’ Giving the women a moment to negotiate the steps, Liz couldn’t help but admire Katherine’s courage. After all, she had not received a welcome from her son. Instead she had been turned away. It took a strong woman to bear such cruelty.

  While Katherine made her way to the car, Maureen lingered at the foot of the steps. In a low voice that was meant only for Liz’s ears, she imparted, ‘I’ll do me best to make her see she’s not wanted, but I’ll not promise anything. She’s a stubborn old bugger, so she is.’ She gave a parting smile.

  The smile froze on her lips as she caught sight of Ginny seated on the stairs. For one devastating moment it was not a young woman crouching there. It was an old, old creature, with wild eyes and the look of madness in her face.

  Liz couldn’t understand. She saw the growing horror in Maureen’s eyes. She heard her mutter something unintelligible while making the sign of the cross on herself. Shaken, she looked round. All she saw was an empty stairway.

  Afraid but not knowing why, she turned again. She would have spoken. She might have asked if the woman was all right, because she had seemed so disturbed. But Maureen Delaney was already climbing into the car. In a moment it was gone, with the two women closeted in the back. Each was silent. Each struggling with her own secret thoughts.

  Jack was waiting in the kitchen. With his back to the cooker, long legs apart and a look of fire in his eyes, he looked set to do battle. ‘I know! I know!’ Taking a long deep gulp of air he blew out his cheeks and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. ‘I haven’t been honest with you, and I’m every kind of a bastard.’

  Remaining by the door she stared him out. ‘You said that, Jack. I didn’t.’

  ‘And now you want some answers?’

  Her tone was cutting. ‘I think so. Don’t you?’

  He sighed and nodded. Then he swallowed hard and feared the ordeal to come. ‘They’re on the stairs,’ he said.

  She frowned. ‘Who?’ Anger rippled through her. ‘Who’s on the stairs?’

  ‘Your daughters. They heard everything.’

  ‘Oh, I see.’ It always niggled her, how he called them her daughters, whenever they had done something to displease him. ‘Would you like me to call them down? Do you want to explain how they’ve always had a grandmother and you never even told them?’

  ‘Send them upstairs.’

  ‘Are you sure about that?’ She wanted to hurt him the same way he had hurt her, hurt his daughters.

  ‘For Christ’s sake, woman! Send them upstairs!’ He felt he would go mad. She had been here, in his house. She had looked at him and asked for forgiveness. His mother wanted to forget… behave as though it had never happened. Even now he couldn’t believe she had actually stood in his house. Katherine Louis belonged to that part of his life he had left behind. Left behind for ever. Why did she have to come here? Now it was all spoiled. Everything he had worked so hard to achieve. His family. The pitifully short measure of peace he had found. Now nothing would ever be the same again.

  He could feel her staring at him, hating him in a small way. ‘Please Liz.’

  She stared at him a while longer. Loving him. Hating him. Wondering how she could ever have imagined she knew him. ‘All right,’ she murmured. ‘If that’s what you want.’

  Gratitude shone from his eyes. ‘Thank you,’ he said. Then he watched her go and waited. And the wait
seemed like the longest time of his life.

  Liz was surprised when the girls went without protest. ‘Tomorrow,’ she promised, ‘we’ll talk it through.’

  When she returned to the kitchen, Jack was seated at the table, his body leaning forward, his head pushed into the palms of his hands. He looked like a man devastated. ‘I should have told you,’ he conceded, raising his eyes to hers.

  Drawing out a chair Liz seated herself opposite him. ‘Tell me now, Jack.’ The tone of her voice hardened. ‘The truth, mind.’

  It took a moment for him to gather his thoughts. ‘To be honest there’s little to tell. You knew I came from New York. I never kept that from you.’ When she merely nodded, he went on, ‘What I didn’t tell you is that my family are wealthy. The money came from my Irish grandfather’s side. He started out much like I have… a small bakery, then he went on to open a chain of foodstores right across the States. Eventually he sold them off and played the stockmarket.’ He grinned. ‘Turned out that was where his real talents lay. He made millions in the first year. After that he went from strength to strength.’

  His expression changed from pride to despair. ‘After a while the odds turned against him. He made a bad investment… bought an ailing company and poured a fortune into propping it up. It all went wrong and the strain became too much for him. One day he was a tower of strength. The next he was gone. Struck down.’

  Anguished, he wiped his hands over his face. He wanted to tell her the whole truth, but he couldn’t. What really happened to his grandfather was so horrible that even he could not come to terms with it. How could he ever expect Liz to understand? She must never, never know.

  ‘What do you mean? How was he struck down?’

  Quick, Jack! Think. Think. ‘He had a massive stroke.’ God forgive me for lying.

  ‘What about the family?’ Though still angry because he had not confided in her, Liz was entranced by his every word. ‘What about his wife? And your parents.’

  Beneath her intense hazel gaze, he feared she might see right inside his soul. He gulped, stared at the table and saw his life enacted there. ‘I never knew my father.’ Bracing himself against another terrible lie he went on, ‘Soon after he and Mother met, she got pregnant. He left and was never seen again.’ But he was seen again. Not as you might expect, and maybe it was a fitting punishment. But he was seen again, if only for a very short period of time. Before it happened. Before the carnage. And afterwards. For one shocking moment. That moment was woven into his nightmares for all time. His mind began to wander. Was he mad? Was he really mad?

  ‘Jack?’ Liz saw him hesitate. Saw him tremble, while beads of sweat tumbled down his face. Sensing there were things he was not telling her, she hoped he would tell her now. There was a note of urgency in her voice. ‘You were saying?’

  Startled, he seemed to visibly shake himself. With his fists clenched together and his head dropped low, he continued, ‘Shortly after Father disappeared, Mother went to live with my grandparents. I was born in their house.’

  ‘Was your mother an only child?’

  ‘No. There was a brother… Cyrus. When Grandfather died, Cyrus believed he would inherit what was left of the business. He was bitterly disappointed when it went to my mother. Of course he was given a sizeable income, but it was a blow. However, he always loved Katherine, so he got over it. Besides everything else, Mother had inherited Grandfather’s shrewd business acumen. In all his career, Grandfather made only one mistake. It cost him dear.’

  ‘What? Money, you mean?’

  ‘Not just money.’ He groaned from deep inside. ‘If I’ve learned anything at all Liz, I’ve learned that there are more important things than money.’

  ‘Is that why you’ve never let your business expand? Because you’re afraid of what happened to your grandfather?’

  He looked at her then, a strange little glance and a wry little smile. She didn’t really know what she was saying. She could never understand the awful implications of her words. ‘Yes.’ His answer was deliberately vague. ‘Because of what happened to Grandfather.’

  ‘What happened when he died?’

  ‘Katherine took up the remains of his company and vowed to turn it around. She did that, and more. And all the time she looked out for her brother, Cyrus. Apparently he was never very stable… respectable, I mean. He had a habit of drinking, gambling, that sort of thing. After Grandfather died, he went completely off the rails for a while. My mother took him into the family home and cared for him. She gave him back his self-respect. Then she gave him equal partnership in the company. Later he met someone, got married, and all seemed fine for a time. Then it went wrong. Mother stood by him. She was his mentor through every step of his life: marriage… the loss of his child… divorce.’

  The memories were vivid now. Closing in on him. He felt his chest tightening and took a deep breath.

  ‘You still haven’t explained why you lied to me.’ This was the real issue with Liz. ‘Why did you say your family were dead? What made you break with them? I have to know, Jack. If I’m ever to trust you again, I have to know it all.’ Even now, she was not certain whether she could ever forgive him.

  ‘I was nineteen. I had a life to live.’ He couldn’t tell. He mustn’t tell. Instead he fabricated. ‘It was the usual thing… family arguments. Mother trying to make me do what I didn’t want to do.’

  ‘Force you into the family business, you mean?’

  ‘She wanted that, yes.’ He was telling the truth now, and it felt good, but he must be careful not to let his tongue run away with him. ‘It was Katherine’s dream… that her only son would eventually take over the company.’

  ‘But you didn’t want that?’

  He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Things didn’t turn out that way,’ he said cautiously. ‘Things never turn out the way you expect.’

  ‘I can sympathise with your mother.’

  ‘Oh?’

  ‘Well, I’m a mother myself. I know how infuriating it can be. One of these days it wouldn’t surprise me if Ginny took off… just like you left the family. Only I hope she doesn’t bury us before our time.’

  A dark rage rushed through him as he grabbed her hand, so hard her features grimaced with pain. ‘What do you mean, bury us before our time?’ It wasn’t rage now. It was terror. Sheer terror.

  ‘What in God’s name do you think I mean? I hope she never tells anyone we’re dead while we’re still alive and kicking. Like you did, Jack! Like you bloody well did!’ With one mighty effort she freed her hand from his. ‘You’re the one at fault here, not me. Just remember that.’ Thrusting the chair away she went to the window where she looked out across the dark night. It had never frightened her before. It frightened her now.

  ‘How could you leave your family, Jack? How could you just walk out like that?’

  ‘I was nineteen, for Christ’s sake! I had a whole life to live.’

  ‘What about your mother? How do you think she felt… all those years without a word from you.’ She tossed her head in anger and felt a shade better. ‘You’re a bastard, Jack!’

  He hung his head, softly muttering, ‘You don’t know.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘Nothing! I said nothing.’ He wanted to hurt her. God help him, he wanted to hurt her before she hurt him.

  Liz was calmer now. Hopelessly intrigued. ‘Where does the other woman come into this? The one who came here with your…’ The word ‘mother’ stuck to the roof of her mouth. Somehow she couldn’t say it. ‘With Katherine?’

  ‘Maureen Delaney, you mean? Oh, she was always there. Katherine found her on the streets of New York and took her home. It was she who raised me. Maureen’s a good soul. She’s been Katherine’s maid, housekeeper, friend and confidante for as long as I can remember.’

  Liz thought she knew her husband. Only now did she realise that she had been living with a stranger. ‘I can understand why your grandfather couldn’t leave his business to an only son who dran
k and gambled. But why would he leave it to his daughter? Why not to his own wife?’

  This was it. This was the one he had hoped she might not ask. But she had, and now he would have to be careful. ‘Grandmother had no head for business,’ he answered. ‘She was very beautiful. Bewitching, some said. She could spend money in every conceivable way, but she had no idea how to earn it.’

  ‘You didn’t like her, did you?’

  Unaware that she had seen the repugnance on his face, he was shocked to the core by her questions. ‘What a thing to say!’

  ‘It’s true though, isn’t it? You didn’t like her.’

  What he didn’t like was being drawn in, and Liz was already drawing him in deeper than he intended to go. He had answered with too many lies. Now he gave her a glimmer of the truth. ‘My grandmother was everything to me,’ he murmured. ‘She was kind and warm and I adored her more than I can ever say.’ What he had felt for his grandmother was very special. A once-in-a-lifetime relationship which not even death could destroy.

  Expecting an altogether different answer, it was Liz’s turn to be shocked. ‘Was she Katherine’s mother?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does your mother look like her?’

  ‘Katherine inherited Grandmother’s long slim limbs. Other than that there is no likeness… not in feature, nor in nature. Katherine has brown eyes while Grandmother had the most magnificent midnight eyes. Her hair was thick and rich. In the moonlight it shone like fire. She was aloof. Mysterious. A thinker.’ Suppressing the other, bad things, he smiled at her memory. ‘She was secretive… devious even. No one ever knew what she was thinking. She was beautiful and she knew it. Men danced attendance on her, and she led them on.’ He laughed aloud. But just as quickly the laughter subsided and he was sad. ‘When she died, it was as though someone had drawn a dark blanket over the sky.’

  Liz was shocked. Crossing the room she sat before him, her voice incredulous. ‘Jack, do you know what you’re saying?’

  He stared her in the face, his dark brows furrowed in puzzlement. ‘You asked me a question and I answered it.’ The frown hardened. ‘What more do you want?’