The Surgeon’s Secrets
Page 52
“Please…don’t…” Sarah felt a tear drop down her cheek when just as she gave into unconsciousness, she heard him speak.
“I had to have you, Sarah, do you understand? You had to be mine.”
Sarah sat a pool of water stained red by blood. Her voice, a disbelieving, breathless, raw howl carried away in the wind that whipped the ocean into a frenzy, the roiling, boiling water battering the rocks.
She flinched at a touch, looking around with wild, confused eyes, her face streaked with tears and blood. Isaac stood behind her. He was smiling but his eyes were flat black and in them, she could see desire and hatred in equal measure. “You can’t be saved, Sarah.” He tilted his head to the side, flicking his eyes to the sky then back to her.
“Can you hear it, Sarah?”
The wind. But it wasn’t wind, it was a voice, a woman’s voice rising and falling with the sound of the waves, discordant and horrifying.
I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.
“No…no…” Sarah screamed into the sound, trying to drown it out. Isaac laughed and looked beyond her, Sarah turning to see her mother, naked, the blood from her torn throat pouring down her body. She was walking towards her, smiling. Sarah couldn’t breathe. She felt a movement in her hands and looked down. Isaac was smiling at her but it wasn’t the smile she knew, that she loved. It was a twisted, contorted rictus.
“You’re going to die, baby girl.” His voice was like that of a whispering ancient.
She tried to move but found she was frozen. Her mother and Isaac grabbed her now, their touch burning cold. They pushed her down, down. She tried to scream, her mother smiled. Sarah watched as she drew a knife, taking Sarah’s arm in her icy touch, drawing the blade across her wrists. Pain. Isaac’s hand were on her face, holding her eyes open, forcing her to watch as her mother carved deep crimson gashes into her daughter’s wrists. Sarah was pleading now. Her mother, still singing, surveyed her work then handed the knife, with a smile, to Isaac. He raised it, hand gripping the handle, his once handsome face now a mocking, quivering mask of madness. Sarah stared at him, trying to find the man she’d loved but found in his eyes only death.
“Please,” she whispered, “the baby.” She slid a bloody hand over her stomach. “It’s all I have now. Please.”
Isaac looked at Mother. For a beat all was silent except for the beating of her unborn child’s heart, then, as her mother started to sing again, Isaac drove the knife into her again and again and again…
Sarah woke, gasping for air, screaming for help. She stumbled out of bed, crawled to the bathroom, holding her ears, willing it to stop.
The singing. The tormenting song. Her mother’s voice.
Please please please….
Her stomach contracted and she collapsed in agony, gasping. The singing was no longer in the dream.
It was in the house.
All around the singing
pleasepleasestopstopstopstopigotthejoyjoyjoyjoy….Sarah screamed, a visceral breathless keening howl. Dan was there in an instant, gathering her up in his arms.
“Hey hey hey hey….it’s okay, I’m here baby girl, I’m here…”
The singing got louder and Sarah couldn’t understand why Dan wasn’t shouting to be heard. She watched his mouth moving but she could not hear anything above the noise of Mother singing. She didn’t understand.
“Can’t you hear it? Can’t you hear it?” Her voice was a desperate shriek of panic. Dan frowned shaking his head.
“What?” she saw him mouth at her, “hear what?”
Then all at once it stopped. She could only hear his even breathing, her panicked gasps, and the relentless rain outside. His arms tightened around her.
“Can I hear what, baby girl? What?” Confusion. She was losing her mind. She started to cry, heartbroken sobs of pain, of despair. He began to rock her gently. She cried herself out, leaning into the protection of his arms, his lips against her temple.
Her tears shuddered to a stop. “I’m sorry…” she whispered. He brushed the dampness from her cheeks. She met his gaze, saw something in his eyes she couldn’t identify. He held her gaze as he lowered his head and covered her mouth with his. She closed her eyes as the kiss deepened. She felt him lift her into his arms, carry her into the bedroom.
She felt completely out of it. For a brief moment, it was Isaac touching her, the same big green eyes, and the crooked smile. His long fingers pulling gently at her underwear now, she sighed when she felt his mouth on her throat. She ran her fingers through his hair. But it didn’t feel right. It was course, rough. She opened her eyes and a wave of terror shot through her. The man above her smiled. Dan.
She panicked. “No. No. Stop, Dan, stop.”
She tried to push him off of her but he pinned her hands above her head.
“I know you want me, baby girl.”
He crushed his lips against hers, she tried to move her head away.
“It’s okay, Sarah, it’s okay. I’m here, I love you. This is meant to be.”
Stop this.
But she didn’t. She let him undress her slowly, eyes still shut, feeling his touch, the smooth pads of his fingers sliding softly across her skin of her throat. She felt his weight as he moved on top of her. His mouth was at her ear.
“You’re so beautiful…” He kissed the tender skin below her ear, his hands tracing the curve of her breasts. His mouth on hers again, his tongue probing.
“Open your eyes,” he whispered and she complied, seeing the intensity, the fierce desire in his eyes. She let her hands slide around his back, felt the solid muscles that rippled in his arms. He smiled.
“I love you, baby girl. You know that, don’t you?”
She didn’t answer him, barely conscious now. He pushed her legs apart and thrust into her; she gasped at the suddenness, the violence of his movements. His arms were either side of her now, his face focused but distant. He drove himself into her, controlled, brutal strokes, groaning softly as he neared completion. His expression was exhilarated, jubilant. Triumphant.
It hit her then, what she was doing, what she was allowing, was complicit in.
Stop it. Please.
But she couldn’t speak, couldn’t tell him to stop. As he came, grunting and calling her name over and over, she tried to smile, pulling his face down to her chest so that she didn’t have to hide the tears. She waited until he had pulled away, gone to the bathroom before she let the tears flow, burying her face in the pillow to soak them up. When she heard the toilet flush, the bathroom light click off, she turned quickly onto her side and pretended to be asleep. She felt him get into bed, pressed his warm, damp skin to hers. He slid his arm around her, stroked her belly with his thumb. She tried to make her breathing even.
“I love you, Sarah, thank you for tonight” he whispered and laughed softly. She kept up the pretense and soon heard his breathing become softer. When she was sure he was asleep, she slid silently from his arms, pulling on her nightshirt, a sweater, and crept silently down the stairs. She grabbed her cell phone from her purse and shut herself in the pantry. She crawled into the darkest corner and pressed the speed dial.
“Hello?” Molly’s voice was sleepy, somewhat annoyed. Sarah opened her mouth to speak but instead the tears came again and she sobbed quietly into the phone.
“Honey?” Molly’s voice was softer now, concerned. “Sweetheart, are you okay?”
Sarah gathered herself. The pantry had a small window, high up, and outside she could see the light from the crescent moon, distorted through the rain on the glass.
“No,” she managed eventually, “No. I’m not okay. I made a mistake, Molly. I made a terrible mistake and I don’t know what to do. God, Molly, what the hell do I tell Isaac? How the hell do I tell him this? Oh god…”
Her own words hit her and she started to cry again as on the other end of the line, Molly frantically called her name.
Now, Forever Part Four:
What have I done?
“Aren’t you hungry, darling?”
She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. If she opened her mouth, she was scared she would scream and scream. She had cheated on Isaac. She had slept with Dan. The man who had abandoned her, who might be the man who attacked her, attacked Molly, killed George. Who might still kill her.
Since her frantic call to Molly, she had sat outside on the porch, trying to make sense of what had happened. She had heard that terrible song, screeching through the house, had been driven mad, so mad that when Dan made his move, she was totally unprepared. She had pushed the memory of the sex to the back of her mind – it made her want to throw up.
“Sarah?”
She looked at Dan finally. He was smiling but in his eyes, she saw something else. Triumph.
“You made me a very happy man last night. Sublimely so.” His voice was a caress, his eyes soft. Sarah looked away from their intensity. He took her hand.
“Sarah, you cannot be in any doubt about the way I feel about you. Ever since I first saw you again, I’ve wanted you back so badly it was making me crazy. So crazy I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do. What I was capable of.”
All said through the widest smile but his words made fear curl through her. His words from his hospital visit came back to her.
You are mine, Sarah, mine forever...I won’t let anyone else have you, my darling…not ever…
He raised her hand towards his mouth, pressed his lips against the skin of her wrist. She flushed, tried to pull her hand away but he held it fast.
“I know you must have reservations, and I don’t blame you but I just need you to understand. Sarah, I’m in love with you. No –,” he stopped her as she was about to speak. “ – don’t say it back. Think it over. I want to take care of you, Sarah, I want us to build a future together. I know we can’t have children of our own but – “
“How do you know that?” She interrupted him then. That particular fact had been bothering her ever since a crowing Caroline had announced her sterility to the entire Varsity. “Did Caroline tell you that? How does she know?”
Dan looked surprised. “No, darling, don’t you remember? Before I …went away, we were trying.”
Sarah shook her head and snatched her hand away from him. “No, Dan. I didn’t find out until after you left me.”
Dan winced. “Please, Sarah, don’t remind me of how foolish I was. I’m sure I’ve known since we married. Does it matter?”
Yes, it does. It’s private. Sarah looked away from his gaze. “Dan…I’m married to Isaac. I’m in love with Isaac.”
Dan laughed, a humorless sound. “Well, you certainly forgot that when you were screaming my name last night.”
Was he insane? Every second of last night was clear in her mind. At no point, she thought, did I ever scream your name except to try and get you to stop. But you didn’t stop, did you?
“Dan…I was upset last night, I wasn’t thinking. I asked you stop. More than once.”
He looked up sharply. “Sarah, what are you accusing me of?”
She swallowed, the anger was rolling off him. “I’m just asking if you heard me.”
He shrugged. “I’ve already answered you, Sarah. Now can we eat?”
The food was delicious but she felt her throat closing every time she started to swallow. She felt him watching her. She put her fork down and wiped her mouth.
“Dan, last night was a mistake. I don’t want to upset you but it was.”
He ignored her gaze. “You’re just confused, Sarah. That will pass. Eat your breakfast.”
She shook her head in disbelief. “Are you even going to listen to me?”
Dan slammed his fist down on the table, stood and swept the plates from it; they shattered against the counters, food spattering everywhere. Sarah jumped up in shock, her heart thumping. Dan’s face was red, his eyes bulging out at her, fists clenched.
“Why must you always question me?” He stepped towards her, backed her up until she was pressed against the refrigerator, feeling its handle dig into her back. She couldn’t catch her breath in the face of his overwhelming anger. He twisted a handful of her hair in his fingers, yanking on it. She gasped at the quick pain.
“Don’t you know how much I’ve done for you? Don’t you appreciate anything?” His mouth was close to her ear now. “I fucking own you, you ungrateful little bitch.”
Sarah was frozen. Then, just a sudden as his temper flashed, it was gone. He released her hair, blinked and his expression registered shock.
“Oh my God…Sarah, I’m so sorry, so sorry…” He gathered her to him but she stayed tensed as he rocked her gently. “I didn’t mean any of that. Please forgive me…I’m just so concerned for you, I’m just trying to do what’s right.”
His contrition seemed so genuine but Sarah couldn’t move. He kissed her, trying to get her to relax but she wouldn’t yield.
“Sarah, please…let’s go to bed, let me show you how much I care for you…” His voice was tender, seductive. He slid his hands, gentle now, around her waist, kissing from her neck to her ear. She could feel his erection pressing against her. A wave of nausea rose up.
“No. No, Dan, stop.” She pushed him away, hands flat against his chest. He stepped back and she felt a pang of guilt at the hurt in his eyes.
“I’m sorry…I just can’t. Not with you, I’m sorry.” She turned away from him, breathed deeply.
After a moment, he spoke. “Is this still about Isaac Quinn? The man who betrayed you? Because I seemed an adequate replacement last night or have you forgotten that we fucked? Am I just one of many?”
She whirled around then, angry. “So now I’m a whore?”
“I didn’t say that.”
She threw up her hands. “Well, go right ahead. Everyone else thinks I’m a whore, just like my dear old mama.”
“I don’t think you’re a whore. I just think you used me.”
His words, spoken in a gentle manner, stopped her. “I used you?”
He nodded. “I know you were upset last night. Was I just the nearest warm body?”
She sighed, exhausted. “Dan…I’m sorry but I love Isaac. If he’ll want me after this, I don’t know but I do know one thing. There is no future for you and me, Dan.”
He stared at her for a few moments then stalked out. She heard the front door slam, shaking the whole house. She let out the breath she had been holding. The house echoed with silence again. Sarah cleaned up, moving around the kitchen slowly, grabbing the broom from the pantry, thinking about Dan’s words.
You used me. You used me.
Did I? She shook her head, trying to remember the other night better; she’d been so upset, so hysterical. Had she initiated it? Been so desperate for security, for someone to hold her that…no. She’d take responsibility for her part but Dan had been a willing partner.
But you knew he would be…The thought of his cock pushing into her filled her mind and she gagged, dropping the broom and dashing up the stairs to the bathroom, where she threw up and up and up until she was dry heaving. After a while she staggered to her feet and rinsed her mouth out, glancing at her wan appearance in the mirror.
“Who are you?” she whispered to the reflection, but it had no answer for her.
Isaac ran the gauntlet of the press that had been camped outside his office building for the last week. The gutter press had had a field day with the news – helpfully delivered to them by Caroline Jewell – that he and Sarah had split. Gleeful headlines like “Secret Love Child Smashes Quinn Marriage After Two Weeks” and “Beauty and the Betrayer: How Isaac Quinn Lost the Love of His Life.” That last one had hit him hard. At home in the apartment, with Sarah’s clothes still hanging alongside his in the closet; her perfume bottle on the nightstand, her books mingled with h
is on the bookshelves, her absence seemed to echo around the apartment. He knew Molly had been right when she told him to make sure the foundation of their marriage was stable enough for Sarah to come back too but the reality was, he still wasn’t sure she would come back. If she did, how would she ever trust him again?
Maggie, his assistant met him at the elevator, her eyes huge. “You okay, boss? God, they’re like vultures.” She squinted at him as they walked to his office. “You do look better, though. Has Sarah been in touch?”
Isaac smiled at her. “We’ve talked. We’re working things out, she’s just taking a few days.”
Maggie patted his shoulder. “That’s good news.”
At his desk, Isaac called Sarah’s number as soon as he sat down. He reasoned she hadn’t said anything about not calling her. The call, however, went straight to voicemail. He left a message. “Just checking in, baby. Call me anytime…I love you.”
He sat at his desk, flicking through his emails without much interest, when Saul came into the office, shutting the door behind him. He sat down opposite his younger brother, eyeing him.
“Well…the prodigal son, etc. etc.” His tone was hard and Isaac nodded.
“Yup.” He didn’t know what else to say; Saul was obviously pissed, rightly so.
“What now?” Saul narrowed his eyes. “Another divorce? You’ve run rough-shod over that girl’s life and now this?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Isaac was annoyed now. “Yeah, I should have told her about the kid but apart from that…”