The Surgeon’s Secrets

by Michelle Love

  “You see,” she says as she pats my leg. “Men can’t be trusted. I knew you loved me. I knew you had to have loved me. I loved you more than I knew was possible. We liked the same things. We had a great connection. Laughed at the same things. Everything was right. I thought you would even marry me one day, and we’d have a family. When I gave up on you, Jason, I gave up on men.”

  “So you use them now the way you thought I used you?” I look out the window and really want to beat the hell out of myself for making such a wonderful girl into a robot, much like myself

  “Men are useful for some things. It’s just getting attached to them that’s dangerous. So I don’t get attached. I keep enough around to do what I need to be done on occasion. Fulfill my sexual needs. Be a date for me when I need one. That sort of stuff. Never do I let them get inside my heart. That thing has been closed up since I was nineteen and found you with Lana Peterson. Her ass was in the air as her head bobbed up and down in your lap while you sat in your truck only yards away from my house.”

  “It was dark. I didn’t think you would see,” I say as I continue to look out the window. “I was about to come and get you and take you to the airport to get on that plane to Lubbock, so you could leave for college. Only, you were so mad, you wouldn’t let me after you caught that little stunt.”

  “That little stunt, as you so casually put it, was the final dagger to my heart. It ended the feelings that used to flow so easily through it.” Her voice goes low and deep. “My heart turned dark and was sour for a long time. Then it stopped being so sour and just went cold. Now I can walk away from any man. No matter how nice he is. I don’t trust nice. You were nice.”

  “I was, wasn’t I?”

  “You were. You were very nice. You helped my dad mow the yard so many times. You helped me do dishes. You came early and picked me up for school and made sure you came over right after you got off of work. Do you remember those hot showers we would take when you got there? My parents were both still at work and we were alone until seven each night.”

  “You would scrub my back and we’d make crazy love every single night. It was amazing, and I did love your ass, Britt. I did. I wish I knew why I felt like I needed more.”

  “Me too.”

  A few tears have escaped. I wipe them away and turn to her, taking her hands into mine. “Brittany Caldwell, will you please help the man you loved once upon a time?”

  She makes a deep sigh. “If I knew how to help you, I would, Jason. There’s nothing I’d love more than to have you in my life. No man has ever made me feel the way you have. And I mean that in the best and worst ways.”

  “How?”

  “I mean you took me to heights no one else has. You were the best lover I’ve ever had, and now I’ve had many to compare you too. You always made me the happiest I’ve ever been. You also took me to lows no one ever has. I can’t go to that place again. I’m not the girl you knew. I’ve changed. You’d hate the me I’ve become. I know you would.”

  And for the first time ever, my heart is officially broken by what I’ve done.

  How can I fix this?

  Chapter 4

  BRITTANY

  Just like when I was a damn naïve young woman, Jason has managed to make me feel sorry for his cheating ass. I don’t know how he does it. I also don’t know how he has me eating carbs and sugars.

  I stopped eating them three years ago and have stayed very true to that way of eating, then in one foul swoop, he’s managed to get the food I thought of as nasty into my mouth again.

  The fluorescent lights, which are always so brutal to most people, making them look nowhere near as attractive as they do in any other light, seem to make the man who’s sitting so close to me I can hear him chewing his food still look hot as hell.

  He places a French fry to my closed lips. “Have one more, baby. They’re good and you know it.”

  As I open my mouth to tell him five fries is more than enough for me, he pops it into my mouth before I can get the words out. I chew it up and glare at him, then swallow and say, “Look, Jason, I eat differently now. Okay? I do everything differently now.”

  “I bet you do.” His eyes move over me. “I can’t wait for you to show me what all you do differently now.” He growls, and in usual Jason fashion, turns whatever I say into something sexual.

  “Child!” I say, then take a drink of the water I made him get me.

  “Speaking of children, honeybunch. When were you planning on having any?” he asks, then takes a giant bite of his cheeseburger.

  “Why do you care?” I take another drink of my water as I watch him chew.

  He shrugs. “Don’t know. Just wondering is all. Can’t I wonder about the first woman I ever loved? The only woman, really. I’ve uttered the words to others, but I only meant them when I said them to you. That has to count for something. Don’t you think?”

  “If I could believe a word that comes out of your mouth, this conversation might be worth participating in. Since I can’t, it isn’t.” I look away from him and hear him snickering.

  “You can’t believe a word I say, huh?” His fingertips move down my arm, making little chilly sparks flash through me. “The only lies I told you were so you wouldn’t be hurt. Does that make me the monster you’re making me out to be?”

  His logic makes me dizzy and pissed. “Jason, if you hadn’t fucked other women, those lies wouldn’t have been necessary.”

  “I know that.” He looks the tiniest bit sheepish. “Britt, you know me better than anyone. You know my faults—my weaknesses. And now you seem to have grown a thicker skin than you once had. I think we would work this time around. Both of us are more mature. Both have made something out of ourselves.”

  “Speaking of that. You know how I made my money by designing award-winning book covers. Now, how did you manage to gain your wealthy status, if you don’t mind my asking?”

  Taking out his cell phone, he holds out his hand, wiggling his long fingers. “Give me your phone, sweet pea.”

  “Ha! No.” I tap my fingers on the table top and frown at the man who thinks he can move right back into the same spot he had back then.

  Turning his phone around, he shows me the screen. There’s a set of a woman’s long legs on the screen and the capital letters P and H. “Welcome to the Polyamory Handler, Britt. This is how I made my money. It’s a little genius app I created.”

  “Polyamory?” I look at the screen and see it has a wolf on it that looks as if it's whistling.

  “That’s the name of a lifestyle that some people like to lead. And by the way you’re talking, you’re one of the people actively living that exact lifestyle.” He taps the screen and several green, blinking dots are on a map.

  As I look closer, I can see the street names and the dots are right here in New York City. “And what kind of lifestyle am I living?”

  “You said it yourself. You’re seeing more than one man.” He taps the screen again, holds the phone up, and takes a picture of me.

  “Stop that!” I try to grab the camera and he pulls it back so I can’t.

  “You will be my new number one in New York. What do you think about that, sweetcakes?” He taps something on his phone. My name, most likely. “Hell, you know what? I’m making you my number one of them all. That’s quite an accomplishment, since I haven’t even found out if you’re still a great roll in the hay. I’m sure you are. I taught you after all.”

  With a laugh, I say, “You won’t be finding that out. Make me your number zero, Jason. I’m not about to become a number on any list of yours.”

  He cocks his head, making the light above us catch his damn gorgeous eyes. “Baby, why are you playing so hard to get? You know you want a piece of this as much as I want a piece of that.”

  He has such nerve and audacity!

  My finger starts wagging in his face as I say, “Listen to me, mister. I don’t want a piece of you. I’ve had it, and the sides that come with it make me sick. And as fa
r as you wanting a piece of me, well, that’s no big surprise. I’ve seen you glance at three other females in this establishment in the half hour we’ve been here.”

  He looks at me with so much surprise on his handsome face that it makes me want to knock the expression right off it. He takes my finger and pulls my hand to his face. I gulp as he puts my finger in his mouth and twirls his tongue around it while he looks right at me.

  My stomach goes very tight and I have to clamp my knees together to stop myself from spreading my legs right here for the damn man. “Jason, stop.” It comes out in a moan and now his eyes are lighting up.

  Taking my finger out of his mouth, he smiles at me. “Britt, you were going to take that guy home and sleep with him, anyway. Sex was on your agenda. Just let it be with me instead of the dude you didn’t even know.”

  “No.” I stare at him and hold my jaw firm.

  “Yes, baby. What’s the difference?” His dark eyebrows arch up with his question.

  “Because he meant nothing to me and you do.”

  We stare at each other for what seems like forever. His hand moves over my cheek and he pulls me to him.

  I don’t know why I’m letting him do this. Kissing him is the worst idea in the history of ideas. He takes my lips, but only barely.

  An ache begins in them. They want to feel his soft lips on them so damn badly. But he holds them just a hair away from mine. Then he pulls back and looks at me.

  “You know you want me.”

  I nod. “So?”

  “Just give in.”

  I shake my head. “I can’t.”

  He lets my face go, leans his elbow on the table, and props his head in his hand. “Britt, you told me your heart is cold now. You’re all dead inside because of what I did to you. Let me fix you. The idea of you living a lonely life with no husband and family is just too much for me to have on my back. I had no intention of fucking up your entire life. Give me a chance to fix you. What do you have to lose? You said it yourself—your heart is already hard. I can’t make it any harder, can I?”

  “I think you can, Jason. I think you are the one person who can make it even worse. To be on your roster isn’t something I want. You see, I want to be your one and only, or nothing at all.” I look at him and let my words sink in.

  He looks at me, then looks at the other women in the little café. Then his eyes come back to me. “What if I let all the others go? Then would you give me a shot?”

  I shake my head. “We both know you’d get a new set. You can’t be monogamous.”

  He lets out a loud huff. “Look, Britt, you aren’t even into monogamy either, so what’s the big deal?”

  “I wish you could understand me. With you, I can’t deal with sharing you with other women. End of story, Jason.” I look away and see a woman looking at Jason very openly. So I ask her, “Would you like to take my place here, lady?”

  She nods. “In a heartbeat. I’ve never seen a man that damn good looking having to beg any woman for anything. He’s all but getting on his knees for your stubborn ass. If you don’t want him, get the hell out of the way. I’ll give him what he wants.”

  I look back at Jason, who is only looking at me—this time, anyway. “And that, in a nutshell, is why I don’t want to start anything up with you again. Women throw themselves at you for some reason. It’s like you give off this pheromone that calls out to them. And I can’t take it.”

  With a long sigh, I get up and start to walk out of the café. My hand hits the door and I feel him right behind me. “I can stop. I can see only you, Britt. I can.”

  I don’t even look back. “Why would you even want to try to do that? You get more ass than most men even care to have.”

  His hands move around my waist as he nuzzles my neck. “I only want you. I didn’t realize it until I saw you again. But you’re the only one I want.”

  An evil plan starts to build in my head, and it makes me kind of ashamed of myself for even letting the idea flit through my head. “Let’s go to your car, Jason. I’d like to make you an offer.”

  He takes my hand and pulls me out of the café. With long strides, he leads me to his car, and the driver jumps out to open the door for us. I slide inside and he gets in behind me, looking at me with a lot of hope in his eyes.

  We’ll see if that hope stays there when I tell him what my offer is, because I don’t see this super-alpha male accepting what I’m about to put on the table.

  At least, once he rejects the offer, I can go home, and this little scene will be over for good. The fact is, I’ve always had a weakness for this man, and the longer I spend around him, the harder it is to stop myself from giving in to what my body wants.

  Jason’s touch has always worked magic on me, and my body is begging my brain to give in. Only, my brain knows the aftermath of being with Jason. It’s heartbreaking, mind-numbing, and horrific pain.

  “Tell me, baby,” he says as he takes both of my hands in his and we take off.

  “First, I want you to take me to your place.”

  “Donovan, home, please.”

  His driver answers quickly, “Yes, sir.”

  “What else, baby?” he looks at me with an odd nervousness to his handsome face. “Anything you ask me is a yes, just so you know.”

  We’ll see about that.

  “I want you to see me and only me.”

  He nods. “Not a problem. I can do that.”

  “And I’ll continue to do whatever and whoever I want to.”

  His gorgeous face falls with my words. “What?”

  Chapter 5

  JASON

  “No,” I tell her, as she’s just said the most ludicrous shit I’ve ever heard. “What makes you think I can stand to see you with anyone else either?”

  “I didn’t say you could stand it,” she says as she twirls one dark curl with her well-manicured finger. The red-painted nail peeks in and out of the dark lock of hair and takes my attention.

  “Baby, I never made you see me with other women. So that’s not even fair.” I pull that finger out of her hair and place her hand on my leg, then run my hand up her arm. “Why would you want to hurt me?”

  Even as the words leave my mouth, I know what her reason is. Her grin makes me shudder. I really have created a monster.

  “Why did you ever want to hurt me?”

  Stroking her arm, I say, “I didn’t. You see what happens. Women come to me. I don’t go up to any of them and try to get into their pants. It’s the other way around, baby. It’s very hard to turn away something like that.”

  Her face gets all squished up and she makes an awful face. “Jason, women turn down men’s advances on a daily basis. Do you have any idea how many I turn down myself?”

  “No, and I don’t really want to even know that.”

  “Well, maybe you should watch me. Maybe then you could learn how to turn them down without being a complete ass about it.” Her fingers move over my thigh toward my cock. “Simply say the word, ‘don’t.’”

  I laugh. “But I want you to touch me there, snickerdoodle.” I move my hand to help her get to where she was going, and she yanks it away before I can do that.

  “The problem is you want anyone to touch you there.” She levels her eyes on me as she makes her point.

  “Not everyone,” I counter.

  Her arms cross over her chest. “I caught you with the most unattractive girls in our town. I caught you with girls you said you didn’t even think were pretty.”

  I stifle a laugh as I say, “Baby, ugly girls need love too.”

  Her pretty green eyes roll. “You aren’t the only male in the world. It’s not up to you to pleasure every female who asks you to.”

  “Not all asked me to pleasure them. Most of them asked only to pleasure me. Now tell me how a person says no to that!” I think I’m making my point.

  “Speaking of that.” She looks at me very intently. “How did it happen that night with the tramp down the street from my hou
se? I’ve always wondered how that incident occurred.”

  “You don’t really want to know that, sweet potato.” I take her hand and kiss her palm.

  Her eyes spark for only a moment, as I know it sends heat to her pleasure palace, because it sends the same thing to mine. She licks her lips and says, “I do. So please tell me.”

  “Fine. I was driving down the street, almost to your house. As you well know, I was a mere three doors away from rolling up at your house. Well, that chick was standing in the middle of the road. So I had to stop or run her ass over.”

  “I wish you would have,” she says with a frown.

  “You don’t want to hear this, baby.”

  She nods. “Please tell me.”

  “Okay. She comes up to my window after I stop and asks me if I have a light for her cigarette. She’s dying for one and she can’t find a light anywhere.”

  “You don’t even smoke,” she says as she looks at me like I’m lying to her.

  I run my hand over her cheek. “That’s right, baby. So you know I told her I didn’t have a light. She started shaking and said she was upset because her boyfriend had just broken up with her, then she looked at me with tear-filled eyes and asked if she could get in and talk to me for just a minute.”

  “Really?” Britt rolls her eyes, and this time I think they go back into her head a little. “That trampy whore!”

  “I knew I shouldn’t let her in the truck, but she ran around and got in the passenger side. She was bawling and telling me how she did everything for the guy, but he broke up with her because she didn’t know how to give a blowjob. He told her if she wouldn’t do that for him, then they were done.”

  Britt’s hand moves over her stomach. “Okay, you can stop. I’m about to puke. I get it. You were just teaching her how to do that. Oh, fuck, tell the driver to stop!”

  “Donovan, pull over, please. She’s about to spew!”

  The car pulls to the side and I grab Brittany, pull her across my lap, and open the door a little so she can barf out of it. The fact that I’ve made her physically ill makes me sick too.