The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Thursday 15 April [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, at 4, set off to Lightcliffe to call on Mrs Priestley after the death of her mother-in-law, 3 weeks ago. Mrs Priestley was dressing to go to Cliff-hill, that Miss Griesdale & I had to introduce ourselves. I daresay we were 20 minutes together tête-à-tête & got on very well, but, after hearing so much of her, of her talent, of her spending 2/3 of her time in courtly society at Lowther Castle, etc, I was inwardly surprised to see a fat, rather untidy, vulgar looking woman, apparently on the wrong side of 30, & whose manner of speaking & pronunciation were far from the most elegant, or, occasionally, from the most proper. However, Mrs Priestley never set up her manners, on the contrary, mentioned her as a proof that first-rate society cannot always impart to those around them the first-rate polish which they themselves possess.

  Friday 16 April [Halifax]

  Talking to my uncle about his keeping a carriage, having 2 out of his 3 horses, carriage horses, & 2 men in livery, a house servant & William Green, as groom & coachman, for £100 per annum.

  Saturday 17 April [Halifax]

  Letter from M— (Lawton). A good deal better. Has been bled with leeches & taken an emetic which did her more good than anything. ‘As long, my dear Fred, as I reign undisturbed over your heart, I am satisfied. ’Tis the only kingdom in the world that I covet &, assured that no rival can have power to dethrone me, I am fully & entirely satisfied. Tell me this, however, sometimes, & then perhaps I shall not doubt again’… She complains of suffering much from the piles. Alludes to our living together at the end of the letter.

  Monday 19 April [Halifax]

  Inadvertently setting down my writing desk on the table, broke the watch-key M— gave me in 1814. If I were at all superstitious, I might think this ominous. I had certainly never less idea, hope, or rather wish, of our being ultimately together than I have at present. Now, poor soul, she has got the piles. She will indeed be worn out in the service of another & she has not talent enough to blind me to the discovery or charm me from the remembrance of all this.

  Thursday 22 April [Halifax]

  At 10½… down the old bank to see [Ellen Empson]… Ellen was very agreeable. She hears a great deal of me. ‘The people say, “And do you really like somebody?”’ But Ellen would not give up her authority. ‘It is no great compliment for Miss Lister to single out anybody after being intimate with Mrs Tom Rawson and Miss Browne.’ Miss Browne, they say, is my shadow. I laughed & said I was amused. At any rate, the people knew nothing about me for I never went to their parties or mixed with them at all, & I only hoped Ellen never enlightened them about me, giving her, at the same time, to understand that I thought myself of that importance that I might choose my own society, that I always consulted my own inclination & comfort & should feel at perfect liberty to walk with a chimney-sweep if I chose. Before all this, Ellen had asked me not to study so much. She said I should be going mad. She had thought so often, for I was certainly odd. I laughed & said I was sane enough yet, I hoped, & people might be odd without being mad, adding that, if I was mad, I would beg to go to Elvington7 to show her what I was like… Ellen seemed to say the people would willingly lay hold of anything against me if they could but that I gave them no opportunity. I certainly will not put myself much in their way… Said Ellen, ‘I wish you did not live at Shibden Hall. They will never appreciate you there.’

  From Monday 10 May 1819 to Saturday 12 June 1819, Anne was in Paris with her Aunt Anne. She did not inform her friends where she was going, merely telling them she was going away with her aunt on account of the latter’s poor health.

  On her return, she settled back into her routine of visiting the local families, going to the library, attending church on Sunday, catching up with her studies. She found life in Halifax rather tedious after her travels abroad.

  Tuesday 22 June [Halifax]

  Got to the Saltmarshes’ about 5 by the church. Staid till about 10 by the same & got home in 20 minutes by our clock. Great deal of talk about France. Told them we travelled in the coach; were in the 3rd or 4th story [sic] in Paris; conversation about paying servants at inns, waiters, etc… Emma had a bad toothache. I fancied I staid too late & came away unsatisfied with my own conversation, & feeling somehow or other unsatisfied altogether. I seldom pay a visit hereabouts that is not afterwards the case. I seem as if I had not kept up dignity enough & yet how can I do otherwise than I do? I never feel to have been in good society when I have been with them. All this must continue for a time but I will get out of it as soon as I can.

  On Thursday 24 June 1819, Isabella Norcliffe came to stay with Anne. The visit was not a success and Anne discarded any longterm plans for her own future which might have included Isabella. She also became tired of her attempts to woo Miss Browne in view of her impending engagement to Mr William Kelly of Glasgow. Also, M— seemed more unobtainable than ever, with reports from her sister that she grew more happy in her marriage each year, although this was not the impression given in M—’s letters to Anne. Anne’s emotional life had reached an impasse.

  Monday 26 June [Halifax]

  In the afternoon at 4, took Isabel down the old bank with me to the library. Staid till 5. Tib’s manner there fidgetty & a little impatient. Would try to kiss me. She shall not go with me often again.

  Sunday 27 June [Halifax]

  A letter from M— (Lawton). She could not write on Thursday, unhinged by a letter telling her Isabel was to be here on that day. Cannot bear the thought of her being here. This looks like jealousy & as if she loved me.

  Tuesday 29 June [Halifax]

  After tea, at 7.20, took my aunt & Isabel down the new bank to see the giant & giantess – he from Norfolk, aged 18 and 7ft 5 ins high, she from Northampton, aged 16 and 6ft 5 ins high; a dwarf with them, a native of Strasbourg, & aged 36… In passing Edwards’s (the bookseller)8 he said the giant & giantess had been married in the morning… I walked from Northgate to Cross-hills with the Misses Caroline & Susan Greenwood. Never introduced Isabella.

  Thursday 1 July [Halifax]

  The Misses Caroline & Susan Greenwood called & staid ½ hour – the former grinned & talked, the latter scarce uttered. They must have got wet in returning… In the evening at 7¾, went with my aunt to Halifax. She ordered a white & black livery for James at Milnes’.

  Monday 5 July [Halifax]

  Fine air this evening. I think Isabella much less tired than she has been before. She gets to bear walking better & better. Poor soul! She little thinks how things are. She feels secure. I scarce can bear it. I wish she knew all & all was settled.

  Saturday 10 July [Halifax]

  Conversation with Isabella. If Charlotte does not marry, she must live with Tib, whether Tib ever has Langton or not. Then I could have no authority in Tib’s house nor therefore, she in mine. But if she had not Langton, then she can live with me if I will take Charlotte, too. ‘But,’ said she, when I hinted this would not do, ‘we might always be together. You visit me six months & I visit you the same.’ When I hesitated she said, ‘Well, but I can visit you six months & the other six, you can get somebody else.’ I said little but that I must have someone who had the same authority in my house as a wife would have in her husband’s house… When I hinted that I could not have Charlotte, she said, ‘I cannot forsake my sister. Surely you would not wish it.’ ‘Surely not,’ I said immediately.

  Sunday 25 July [Halifax]

  [On going down to church] I was last. Not halfway up the Cunnery Lane, a little-ish, mechanic-like, young man, in a black coat, touched his hat, stopped & said he wished to have some conversation with me. Suspecting the subject, ‘What about, sir?’ said I, sternly. He looked rather dashed but said he wished to ask if I would like to change my situation. ‘Good morning, sir,’ said I, turned on my heel & walked on. Just heard him repeat, ‘Good morning, Madam,’ surprised, perhaps, at the cool dignity of my manner. I could not help thinking of the thing most of church-time, mortified, tho’ why should I be? Everybody else is li
able to the same. I will be stern enough & care nothing, & certainly say nothing, about it. Surely it is meant as an insult. To annoy is all such fellows want & they shall not succeed with me. They were reading the Psalms when we got to church. Miss Browne there. Took my glass to look back after the sermon. Saw Miss Caroline Greenwood, on a broad grin, looking towards me. In the afternoon, my aunt read the lessons & Isabella & I the prayers.

  Monday 26 July [Halifax]

  Followed a girl I rightly guessed to be Miss Caroline Greenwood down George Street into Whitley’s shop & thence gave her my arm & ½ my umbrella to her own door. Told me ‘my belle’ was returned. Thought they ‘should never see me at Cross-hills again’. She began to think she ‘must subscribe to the opinion she had heard’. What was that? ‘That one favourite set aside all the rest.’ Begged her to believe that could not be the case. They had had many invitations to Shibden, any one of which we should be glad if they would accept. Had not fixed a day, thinking they would like best to fix one for themselves. She never went without a day fixed, thinking people would say when they wanted her.

  Tuesday 27 July [Halifax]

  Called on Miss Browne. Found her at the door (4.50) just coming out to meet me & had been on the lookout… In about 5 minutes who should come but Miss Greenwood. All seemed to look oddly – I, stiff & formal. She came for some flowers. Presently, all went into the garden to get them. Miss Maria Browne came, & went also. I could scarcely help smiling at the significance of Miss Caroline Greenwood’s manner & the consequent effect on the rest. About 10 minutes before 6, she thought she must be going & preferred the back way. For Miss Browne’s sake, I was willing to bother myself with shewing her the utmost attention & we set off to walk a part of the way with her. She led us past the Staveleys’ (Savile Green). Saw them in the window & laughed & spoke. All walked separately. Nothing could have persuaded me to offer my arm in such a case. Managed to get quit of the fair intruder in Harrison Lane. Would walk back with Miss Browne & turned up by Blackwall. Immediately gave my arm & explained why I had not done it before, that I could not do it without also doing it to Miss Caroline. She understood & seemed to take it in very good part. She said she had interrupted us sadly. She had thought of me often & wondered when she would see me again… She had made up her mind to care nothing about her mother’s crossness to Mr Kelly. She met him in one of the streets in Hull & he had gone to see her at Selby. It was all settled… She did not know how to tell her mother. He wisely thought he would come & tell her himself but she would not see him. They could make no objection to him but his religion, Kirk of Scotland… It gave me an odd sort of feel to hear all this & to find her really engaged… I felt, & really feel, I know not how about it. Prudence says it is well for me. I might have got into a scrape & yet do not feel to rejoice at her being thus lifted so entirely out of my reach. Felt grave all the way home & never uttered but 2 or 3 commonplace observations which I felt as if I must make.

  Wednesday 28 July [Halifax]

  At last I have worked thro’ this fag of a journal! I have been at it almost incessantly ever since our return from France. I have been able to do little or nothing else & have scarcely opened a book. I long to begin my studies again, yet dread to find out how much I may have lost. Yet I have still our French accounts to settle & the index to this volume wants continuing from 9 May, p.21, to here. How difficult it is to make up for neglecting to do things in the proper season. How hard to redeem lost time! Let this be a warning to me, & let me never so involve myself again. I see I write, on Saturday 19 June, on the margin of my pencil journal of Wednesday 12 May, ‘It is as extravagant to borrow time as to borrow money; every delay involves us more deeply, till the accumulation of interest is in either case ruinous.’ How true! May I never forget this and always profit by its remembrance.

  Friday 30 July [Halifax]

  Miss Kitson came in the morning to try on Isabella’s gown-waist. Asked her to have beer. My aunt said wine & water. Tib wondered how I could ask such a nice woman to have beer – wine, certainly. Her father always asked Willoughby, the master-builder at Malton, & even Tomlinson, the master-joiner, to have wine. Much more should I have asked such a woman as Miss Kitson to have wine.

  Saturday 31 July [Halifax]

  Met Mr Rawson (Christopher) & Miss Richardson on the moor – he on horseback, she on a very pretty little mule. Stopped & talked 2 or 3 minutes. Told her I should never forget her speech at Stoney Royde [Friday 6 July], ‘that there was no living without kissing & she kissed Mr Rawson all the day’ (he is her godfather), to the latest moment of my life.9 She hoped I should forget. It made her quite uncomfortable to think I should not. She should get no sleep tonight. Poor girl! I only said so to tease her a little & ’twas a pity. She looks good-tempered.

  Sunday 1 August [Halifax]

  Joined Miss Browne at the church gates… She said Mr Parker, at whose house she had been staying, knew my father, and that his brother, Mr Parker of Altencoat, asked her if he (Mr Lister) had not a very extraordinary daughter. He had heard of me in Lancashire. I smiled & said I thought the epithet ‘extraordinary’ unjustly applied. I should deserve it better without the ‘extra’. ‘Oh, no,’ said she. ‘You cannot think so.’ I wonder what she really thinks of me? At all events, she likes me. Now I know she is positively engaged I begin to care & think less about her, nor would I have gone last night but for Isabella’s impatience to have me fix a day for her going to the library, so anxious is Tib to see her. We were talking of her just after we came up to bed & Tib wanted me to take the first opportunity of giving her a kiss to see how she liked it & how she behaved on the occasion. I laughed & said, ‘If anything particular happens, Tib, you will be more to blame than I.’

  Thursday 5 August [Halifax]

  In the afternoon at 4.20 down the old bank to the library. Isabella came (on horseback, double) soon afterwards &, in a minute or two, Miss Browne… Tib did not say much to her. She looked too like a gentlewoman for Tib to launch out all at once. Tib admires Miss Browne. Meant to have made a good story of all we said, etc, but she, Miss Browne, was so like a gentlewoman she could not.

  Thursday 12 August [Halifax]

  In passing Westfield, Miss Browne met me. Prevented going to the library, her father & mother not yet returned. Commonplace conversation. Nothing very interesting. Indeed I thought her looking less well, less pleasing, than usual & felt her company dullish. I do not feel the same interest in her I did before I knew she was positively engaged. She is out of my reach. Knowing this makes all the difference in the world & her leaving Halifax will give me no sort of uneasiness. I begin to think her dullish & shall not, perhaps, be sorry to get rid of her.

  Monday 16 August [Halifax]

  Dined at 5¼ & set off in ½ hour down the old bank to drink tea at the Saltmarshes’. Took a couple of turns round the garden with Emma before Isabel arrived (rode behind William). Isabel, much to my annoyance, mentioned my keeping a journal, & setting down everyone’s conversation in my peculiar hand-writing (what I call crypt hand). I mentioned the almost impossibility of its being deciphered & the facility with which I wrote & not at all shewing my vexation at Isabella’s folly in naming the thing. Never say before her what she may not tell for, as to what she ought to keep or what she ought to publish, she has the worst judgement in the world. Spent a pleasant evening. Walked by the side as Isabella rode & got home at 9¼… My aunt sent a note this evening to Cross-hills to ask Mrs & the Miss Greenwoods to drink tea here any day of the week & William called for an answer… My aunt read the note which turned [out to be] a long rigmarole from Miss Caroline to me, taking no notice of my aunt’s invitation. A ½ sheet more foolishly filled I have not seen for some time & my aunt & Isabel, as well as the rest, laughed exceedingly. Surely the girl must like me in spite of all the stiffness of my manners to her. In fact, her jealousy of Miss Browne shews something unlike absolute indifference. Came upstairs at 11…

  Anne brought Miss Browne to visit Shibden, as the Listers we
re having a rare social evening.

  Thursday 26 August [Halifax]

  Miss Browne & I walked leisurely along & got to Shibden by 5. Sat 10 minutes alone in the drawing-room. Then my aunt came & afterwards, Isabella. Staid with them (excused 10 minutes for my dinner) till Miss Inman & the Miss Knights rapped at the door. Then dressed in ½ hour & went into tea. Walked a turn or two in the garden, shewed Isabella’s prints, etc. & the evening went off pleasantly, I taking care to pay rather more attention to Miss Browne than the other young ladies. Her brother & Mr William Knight came for their sisters at 8. John Oates brought a small instrument to procure a light by the compression of air enclosed in a tube. All pleased with it… They all went about 8½… Just before we came in from the garden, contrived to be a few minutes alone with only Tib & Miss Browne. The former gave me a kiss & I made it an excuse to kiss Miss Browne on her lips, a very little, moistly. She looked shamefacedly. Were, a few minutes afterwards, us three in the hall. Miss Browne said kissing was an odd thing & people made quere [sic] remarks about it. ‘These,’ said I, ‘none of us understand.’ But I think she did not very much dislike it after all. Miss Browne looked very neat, pretty & like a gentlewoman. They all thought so & could not do otherwise.

  Sunday 29 August [Halifax]

  All went to morning church… In passing Miss Browne, smiled very graciously. I fancied she looked rather sheepish. What has she thought of my kissing her when she was here on Thursday? Tib said she pulled her bonnet over her face the moment after I had done it.

  Thursday 2 September [Halifax]