The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

In the afternoon dined at 4½ & at 5.35, my aunt, & Isabel & Marian & I set off in a chaise to drink tea at Cliff-hill. My uncle & father walked. Nobody there but ourselves, except Mrs W. Priestley, who very civilly asked Isabella & me to spend a week with her, which we left undecided. She wished she could get me to like the Miss Hudsons of Hipperholme but they were frightened of me – my Latin & Greek, etc. What nonsense!

  Friday 3 September [Halifax]

  Tho’ I shall not be sorry when Tib is gone & I am settled, yet it made me low to hear her talk of going & I have been so all morning… I feel towards her differently, more coolly than I did… Does she see me changed or, rather, does she think of it? Years make a difference. She does not suit me. I cannot feel that she is, or ever can be, all to me I want & wish. Oh, that I had some kindred spirit & by whom, be loved. I have none & feel desolate. How sweet the thought that there is (still) another & better & happier world than this. M— could once have made me happy but could she now? Yet she is lost to me & it matters not to inquire. The having written this seems a relief to my mind & I feel rather less low & cheerless.

  Tuesday 7 September [Halifax]

  Drank tea & had a mutton chop at Well-head. Staid till 7½ & got home (up the old bank) a little before 8.

  Thursday 9 September [Halifax]

  Down the old bank to Whitley’s. Ordered the 8vo edition of Lallah Rookh10 (by Thomas Moore, Esq.) with the illustrations to be bound in crimson morocco, richly guilt [sic] & the inside of the binding lined with green satin as a specimen of Halifax bookbinding, & a present to Isabella.

  Friday 17 September [Halifax]

  Tib sat in my room all morning, writing & trying on a pair of stays. She interrupted me desperately & I shall not be sorry to have my room once more to myself. I am never much good at study when she is with me & I am weary of this long stoppage I have had to all improvement… I only hope to make up for lost time when she is gone. Besides, she has no idea of keeping up her dignity, professes to have no pride, not that of family; would associate with anyone she thought pleasant & by no means would relish the sort of elegant society I covet to acquire. She is the image of her father in everything & I think does, & will often, let herself down. This, besides all other things, does not suit me.

  Sunday 19 September [Halifax]

  In the afternoon, my uncle & I read the prayers. Mr Sunder -land called in the midst to see my aunt & staid near ½ hour. She is, by & by, (Tuesday, perhaps) to have 2 leeches set on each foot to ease the noise & swimming in her head. They calculate an oz of blood to each leech including what the animal sucks & as much as can be made to run afterwards, & he has sent her a bolus11 & opening mixture. Asked him the price of his gig – grasshopper springs, no top to it – £70. Built in London, at Blackfriars, I think he said – but if he lives to have another he will have a top to put on or take off, & curricle springs.

  Monday 20 September [Halifax]

  My aunt had the leech-woman from Northowram this afternoon. 2 leeches on each foot. Her charge, 6d. each leech, as is common, & my aunt gave her a shilling over, for which the woman seemed exceedingly obliged. They seem to have done, my aunt says. She fancies she felt her [head] relieved immediately after the bleeding.

  Tuesday 21 September [Halifax]

  Crossley cut my hair. About ½ hour’s job… In the afternoon, down the old bank to the library… Called to tell the sexton to cover my uncle’s pews as they are going to sweep the interior of the old church… A Mr Preston, now of London, sold my uncle his 2 sittings in a pew no. in the old church (let to Martha Ingham & her husband) for £15… Now my uncle has all the pew. It formerly belonged to John Howarth’s farm.

  Wednesday 22 September [Halifax]

  At 11.20, set off to walk to Lightcliffe… found Mrs W. Priestley & her sister, Miss Ann Paley, at home… Miss Ann Paley seems a nice enough woman (girl) but lolls her arm over the chair back or sticks her elbow out with her hand akimbo in rather too masculine a manner, but this both her sisters, Mrs W. Priestley & Mrs Dr Paley, do. From Lightcliffe to Cliff-hill. Sat ½ hour with the 2 Miss Walkers. I half promised to go & drink tea some time soon in a free way as I do at Lightcliffe.

  Friday 24 September [Halifax]

  Great many people out of work. A very creditable looking woman, who had been obliged to sell all their furniture & all the clothes but what she had on, applied to me, & afterwards, 2 weavers.

  Sunday 26 September [Halifax]

  Wrote a note to Mrs Cooke (Coney St. [York]) to order a black hat and a note to Hornby (Blake St. [York]) to order a pair of black cloth boots… Often as I have thought I should not be sorry when Tib went, I felt a sinking at my heart this afternoon as I thought how soon she would be gone & I left all alone, none to love, to turn to, or to speak to. All will be dreary & forlorn. Oh, that I had a fit companion to dote on, to beguile the tedious hours. But I must study & never think of love & all the sweet endearments of life.

  Friday 1 October [Halifax]

  Just before going downstairs the post brought a letter from a William Townsend, purporting to be of King Cross & the man who spoke to me one Sunday some time ago. The letter is dated the 28th of last month. It annoyed me a little at first sight but now, just after coming upstairs, I care little about it & only expect some row in meeting him some time or other. However, I will never fear. Be firm. Learn to have nerve to protect myself & make the best of all things. He is but a little fellow & I think I could knock him down if he should touch me. I should try. If not, whatever he said I would make no answer. Never fear. Pray against this & for God’s protection & blessing, & then face the days undaunted. It is always a relief to me to write down what I feel & after I have done, I am, as it were, satisfied.

  Tuesday 5 October [Halifax]

  At 12, set off with my aunt to Halifax & up the North Parade to call on Mrs & her sister, Miss Ann Paley. Saw there Dr Paley… Sat ½ hour. The Dr talked away facetiously about the meeting of radicals12 yesterday & their vote of thanks to Mr George Pollard for his opposition to raising a troop of yeomanry & thus perhaps preventing Halifax from being turned into a scene of blood. Mrs Paley looked untidily dressed; the room seemed untidy, & I was not much charmed with what I saw.

  Wednesday 13 October [Halifax]

  The morning clearing up, my uncle & aunt determined to go to the Oratoria in the new church at Southowram… The 4 Miss Walkers of Walterclough were in the pew next to us. Miss Delia made a dead set at conversation with first one & then another of us, but fastened on my uncle. I never saw a more impudent woman. All looked forlorn &, except Miss Walker, who could look grave, seemed hardly as respectable as they should be.

  Saturday 30 October [Halifax]

  Letter from M— (Lawton)… [She] will accompany her mother & sister as far as Manchester on their return [to York] & wishes me to meet them there that she may get a sight of me. If C— is not with them this is very well, but I am too forlorn in spirit & in wardrobe. Besides, my uncle & aunt would think it foolish. They would think of the money it would cost & they would not approve. I would do many things if I could but at present I must be as careful as I can & study only to improve myself in the hope of a possibility of making something by writing. I know not how it is, I feel low. My eyes filled with tears as I read M—’s letter. Indeed I am generally low on hearing from her. There seems to be no real or, at least to me, satisfactory sympathy between us. We seem to have no mutual affairs & little mutual confidence. Is then this the person with whom I must hope to spend the evening of my days? I am very low. The tears gush as I write but, thank God, I generally feel relief from thus unburdening my mind on paper… Oh, how my heart longs after a companion & how I often wish for an establishment of my own, but I may then be too old to attach anyone & my life shall have passed in that dreary solitude I so ill endure.

  Friday 12 November [Halifax]

  Got home at 5¾, my aunt having ordered dinner at their hour for me to dine with them on a hare Hannah Button sent. Tea at 7… Afterwards did nothing. Felt sl
eepy & uncomfortable. My usual way (dining at 6 & having a little dinner & tea at the same time) suits me the best.

  Tuesday 16 November [Halifax]

  Staid at the Saltmarshes’ perhaps near ¾ hour… They seemed glad to see me & Emma asked me to stay tea, but I fancied it more faintly done than some time before & when I said I used to go every week, not much notice was taken. But perhaps I am sometimes more nice about these things than I should be.

  On 18 November, Anne decided to go to Manchester after all to meet M— and spend a night together without the presence of M—’s husband, C—, to inhibit them.

  Thursday 18 November [Manchester]

  Did not get off from here till a few minutes after 9 by our church, but after all, had to wait 10 minutes & the coach drove off at 9½ by the old church. Very fine, mild morning & I left my place in the inside to sit behind the coachman next to a blind fiddler, having given his companion, a blind flute player, 6d. for the seat in front. By & by, the gentleman with the coachman exchanged with me to be a better safeguard to the fiddler while he played & we had music thro’ the villages & up the hills nearly the whole way.

  Stopped at the Moseley Arms, Manchester, at 2¼. Went in & got my boots cleaned. Had a thorough washing & brushing &, being near an hour altogether, did not get to the Albion Hotel in Piccadilly till a little after 3. They were all arrived (M—, her mother, Anne & William Milne13) about an hour ago. Had just gone out & had not ordered dinner till 5½. Called for a newspaper – read a little while but, fidgetty & tired of waiting in the house, sent for someone to shew me Petersfield & its environs, the scene of the late meeting and dispersion of the Manchester radical reformers by the yeomanry and troops.14

  Went out at 3½ & made a ¾ hour circuit… On coming in… went upstairs into Mrs Belcombe’s room & presently, tho’ it seemed an age, came M— & the rest. They passed the Moseley Arms as the Defiance was at the door but somehow missed me in getting out. Never dreampt [sic] of my not going immediately to the Albion, & quite gave me up. M— sadly disappointed. She met me affectionately enough & seemed rather nervous. Dinner was ready. In taking off my hat and front, the firelight did not let M— see my hair was in paper. She thought it cut close to my head & started back, saying I was not fit to be seen. She could not make it look decent. I said Anne could & sent for her. I was before, when I saw M— nervous, beginning to be a little pathetic, but this little incident cured me. I laughed it off, said M—’s horror had done me a great deal of good, put on a neat waist & went down grinning & looking the neatest of the party…

  Not much conversation before getting into bed. C— made no objection to her coming to Manchester when he heard she was to meet me, tho’ before he did not wish her to go farther than Wilmslow, he hurried them off before seven in the morning that she might have more time to be with me, & on this account, would give her till eight o’clock to be at home tomorrow… Asked how often they were connected &, guessing, found might be at the rate of about twenty times a year. Got into bed. She seemed to want a kiss. It was more than I did. The tears rushed to my eyes. I felt I know not what & she perceived that I was much agitated. She bade me not or she should begin too & I knew not how she should suffer. She guessed not what passed within me. They were not tears of adoration. I felt that she was another man’s wife. I shuddered at the thought & at the conviction that no soffistry [sic] could gloss over the criminality of our connection. It seemed not that the like had occurred to her… (I said, just before we got up, ‘Well, come, whatever C— has done to me, I am even with him. However, he little thinks what we have been about. What would he do if he knew?’ ‘Do? He would divorce me.’ ‘Yes,’ said I, ‘it would be a sad business for us both, but we are even with him, at any rate.’ ‘Indeed,’ said M—, laughing, ‘indeed we are.’ Shewed no sign of scruples… What is M—’s match but legal prostitution? And, alas, what is her connection with me? Has she more passion than refinement? More plausibility than virtue? Give me a little romance. It is the greatest purifier of our affections & often an excellent guard against libertinism…) From the kiss she gave me it seemed as if she loved me as fondly as ever. By & by, we seemed to drop asleep but, by & by, I perceived she would like another kiss & she whispered, ‘Come again a bit, Freddy.’ For a little while I pretended sleep. In fact, it was inconvenient. But soon, I got up a second time, again took off, went to her a second time &, in spite of all, she really gave me pleasure, & I told her no one had ever given me kisses like hers.

  We talked over different circumstances. I, she said, I had every comfort at home & elsewhere, alluding to Sarah Binns.15 She had not. I said it was dull work. Mentioned Tib’s being fond of me as ever & the deceitful game I was now obliged to play as, of course, I could say nothing of my engagement to her. ‘Indeed,’ said I, ‘Is there, or can there be, any engagement at present? Was not every obligation on my part cancelled by your marriage?’ She acknowledged that it was. I said Tib had told me of this, that I had never thought of it till she reminded me that, whatever might formerly be the case, I was quite at liberty from any tie to M— now. She seemed pleased to hear me say that, tho’ Tib seemed fully to expect living with me, yet, at all events that would not be, for I neither did, nor could, feel anything like love towards her… Speaking of my being at liberty, ‘Well, but,’ said she, ‘You might make another promise now.’ ‘Oh, no,’ said I, ‘I cannot now.’ I said Tib would really willingly marry me in disguise at the altar but, I said, a promise made anywhere would be equally binding to me & I would not make one.

  Friday 19 November [Halifax]

  Went shopping in St Anne’s Square (Manchester). Some excellent shops. Nantz saw some flowers she admired. Said I would give her a bunch. I did & she, not having silver, I had to pay also for one she bought herself. This made nine shillings. I never expected to be paid again, & M— made me give her a bunch at five shillings, that altogether I spent fourteen when I could ill afford it. At Oliphant’s too, said I wanted a clasp for a coral necklace got in Paris which I meant for M— or Miss Browne. M— chose a coral clasp for herself. It so happened I did not pay for it as it had to be made & was sent to the Albion when we were out, but I expect it will be half a guinea at least. I told M— I had just got The Pleasures of Hope16 beautifully bound for Miss Browne, but she should have her choice between the book & the necklace. She said she had The Pleasures of Hope & would take the necklace… We made 2 or 3 more shoppings & drove off from the Albion at 2½ (a nice situation & apparently what might be called the 1st or genteelest house in Manchester but where we had bad eatables or cooking). Only 10 minutes changing horses at Rochdale & got home at 8¾ after a good journey.

  Anne’s life settled once again into its even tenor. The only disturbance arose from a practical joke played on her regarding an advertisement supposedly put into the Leeds Mercury.

  Monday 29 November [Halifax]

  Halifax letter, just opened it, beginning, ‘As I understand you advertised in the Leeds Mercury for a husband…’ Saw no more but reclosed, three drops of sealing-wax & sent it back to the post office. I begin to care not much about these impertinent insults. Their intended shafts of annoyance fall harmless & I shall never read them. What the eye will see not, the heart will grieve not.

  Tuesday 30 November [Halifax]

  From the library… to the Saltmarshes’… Miss Pickford (Mrs Wilcock’s sister) a bas bleu. Emma had heard a discussion of her merits & the honour done to Halifax by her presence. She was compared with me, which Emma would not allow, however. She said I gained the palm. Above all, I was allowed to be very good-hearted.

  Thursday 2 December [Halifax]

  Miss Browne met me at their front gate… Thanked me for the splendid book. Talked a little of Miss Caroline Greenwood, who told Mrs Browne it was my custom to make choice of some who were rather silly &, when Mrs Browne stared, said perhaps she should not have said so. Told how little I either admired or liked Miss Caroline & complimented Miss Browne who certainly is very fond of me & said she
should not know what to do without me… She had heard me compared with Miss Pickford but would not allow it & convinced her sister Maria how much I was in every respect superior.

  Friday 3 December [Halifax]

  Went to Mrs Saltmarshe’s. Sat there, all of us, a good while, listening to Emma’s amusing account of the Assembly. Mrs Walker had the annoyance to see her daughter, tho’ on her first appearance, stand the 7th couple, placed below the Misses Bates & Elizabeth Watkinson, who had precedence as being bridesmaids to the reigning bride, Mrs Turney, Miss Hannah Watkinson that was. Next to her, Mrs Frederic Norris, another bride, then Mrs Pollard then Lady Radcliffe’s sister, Miss MacDonald. Emma thought all the old Assembly-goers seemed like intruders among the new ones. A motley set.

  In her political outlook, Anne was a staunch Conservative with very decided views about the positive role of monarchy, the church and Toryism in Britain. She abhorred the movement for reform which had grown out of the radicalism of the French Revolution and her journals contain many outbursts of indignation against the people who espoused the cause. This was the year of the Peterloo Massacre and the north of England was greatly roused by the radical speakers who moved from town to town, making speeches and whipping up support for their cause. Halifax, itself, was a town in which radicalism appeared to have gained a firm foothold and on Friday 3 December 1819, Anne went to see ‘the barracks just made out of a warehouse of Mr Taylor’s at Ward’s End & calculated for 208 men. 210 are coming tomorrow, 4 companies of the 6th Foot. Mrs Tarleton, wife of one of the officers, happened to be standing near the door, & Mr Jeremiah Rawson introduced us all. He is one of the Constables & therefore has the management of all this preparation.’ It is apparent from that excerpt that trouble was expected in Halifax and troops were being moved in as a precaution.

  Monday 6 December [Halifax]

  This morning’s post brought me (from York, directed by Anne Belcombe, Petergate) the Manchester Observer; or Literary, Commercial & Political Register… 2 sheets of 4 columns each, one of the most inflammatory radical papers published. When in Manchester I said to Dr Lyon I should like to have one to see what it was like, but should be ashamed to ask for it. I suppose, therefore, he has begged them to forward it after they had read it in Petergate. Read a little of it aloud just after breakfast, p.4, col.2, under the title of ‘Important Communication to the People of England’, decorated with a banner at the head, inscribed, ‘Reform in Parliament’, the flagstaff surmounted by a cap of liberty17 & the flagstaff appeared to grow out of a united rose, thistle, & shamroc [sic] – is a most seditious, rousing article occupying near 2½ columns, shewing by short quotations from their works, ‘Sir William Jones, the Duke of Richmond, William Pitt, Home Fooke, etc., Postlethwaite, Milton, Lord Trevor, & Locke’ to have been of radical reform principles. p.2, col.4, ‘Rights of Women’ is a curious list of authorities in support of the rights of women to take part in these reform meetings – to vote for representatives in the House of Commons &, in short, to be in every sense of the word, members of the body politic. What will not these demagogues advance, careless what absurdity or ruin they commit!