The Secret Diaries Of Miss Anne Lister

by Helena Whitbread

  Monday 3 April [Halifax]

  M— said, very sweetly & with tears at the bare thought, she could never bear me to do anything wrong with… anyone in my own rank of life. She could bear it better with an inferior, where the danger of her being supplanted could not be so great. But to get into any scrape would make her pine away. She thought she could not bear it. I never before believed she loved me so dearly & fondly. She has more romance than I could have thought & I am satisfied… I thought of its being my birthday, but let it pass without notice. How time steals away! What will the next year bring to pass? May I improve it more than the last!

  Tuesday 4 April [Halifax]

  After coming up, M— was to look over some of our old letters. In getting them, happened to stumble on some memoranda I made in 1817 on her conduct, her selfishness in marrying, the waste & distraction of my love, etc. Began reading these & went on thoughtlessly till I heard a book fall from her hands &, turning round, saw her motionless & speechless, in tears. Tried very soothing & affectionate means. She had never before known how I loved her or half what her marriage had cost me. Had she known, she could not have done it & it was evident that repentance now pressed heavily. I endeavoured, & successfully, to prove it to have been done for the best. She said she had never deserved some of the remarks made, but it was quite natural in me to make them. She grieved over what I had suffered & would never doubt me again. I am indeed persuaded & satisfied of her love.

  Wednesday 5 April [Halifax]

  Came upstairs at 10½. Sat up talking about my manners being too attentive; having too much of the civility of a well-bred gentleman, that I unintentionally spoilt people. Shewed her Emma Saltmarshe’s last note before my leaving. She said it proved that I gave rise to an interest which people did not understand, or why they felt [as they did]. I promised to make my manners less attentive. She convinced me that my society was no advantage to Miss Browne as it might unfit her for that of others. M— said, after we got into bed, that if she did [not] believe me bound to her in heart as much as any promise could bind me, she should not think it right & certainly would not kiss me.

  Monday 10 April [Halifax (Haugh-end)]3

  In the evening Captain & Mrs Priestley & Lou [who was staying at Haugh-end together with Anne & M—] went to a dance & sandwiches at Mrs Rawson’s (Hope Hall)4 & got back at 4. Mrs Rawson had, thro’ the medium of a note, to Mrs Edwards, invited M— & me, also, in spite of the awkwardness between us, but we were delighted to have a snug evening to ourselves. I was on the amoroso till M— made me read aloud the first 126pp., vol.2, of Sir Walter Scott’s (he has just been made a baronet) last novel The Monastery, in 3 vols., 12mo. Stupid enough. Tea at 7½. Went upstairs at 11. Sat up lovemaking, she conjuring me to be faithful, to consider myself as married, & always to act to other women as if I was M—’s husband.

  Thursday 13 April [Halifax (Haugh-end)]

  Walked (we 4) by Brockwell to Sowerby church… & as we returned, just went into the public school for the children of the lower classes… Walked & sauntered about after dinner. All four went up & saw a cow calve in a field, several people being present, men, women, & children After supper, read aloud (took me 40 minutes) Canning’s5 speech to his constituents at Liverpool on his election for this present parliament. Fine day. Went upstairs at 11.20. M— & I had a good deal of talk. She again conjured me to be faithful & let the rule of my conduct to ladies be – what would a married man do?… She was very low after we came upstairs. As soon as Watson went & even while Lou was lolling on the bed, she cried a good deal & seemed very miserable at the thought of leaving. I said & did everything that was kind. Told her I believed she loved me most fondly & faithfully & I loved her better & had more confidence now than ever before. I said I would do or promise anything, but that she needed no further promise than my heart, at that moment, gave her. (I made no promises.) I am indeed satisfied of her regard & I shall now begin to think & act as if she were indeed my wife.

  Thursday 20 April [Halifax]

  Miss Browne met me at their farther gate, turned down ‘Callista Lane’ on to the moor… Parted after about an hour & a half. Behaved kindly. Said nothing about ever seeing her in the future, but bade her to think that, if I should not see her of twenty years, I should be equally interested in her welfare… Just after getting thro’ Skircoat Green, she asked me if my watch riband was worn out. I shewed it her & she said it was not. I told her I guessed her intention & she hoped I would do her the honour to accept one she had made for me, tho’ it was very ugly & she was much dissatisfied with it. She meant it to be purple but it was scarlet. Certainly I would not wear the thing but admired it & thanked her very prettily & excused my not wearing it by saying I should value it too highly & would put it by with several other presents that I thought too valuable to wear. She seemed pleased… How different my feelings now & formerly. I felt rather ashamed of being seen with her. Felt sorry for myself. Would be glad to see her no more & regretted that she would have to return [to Halifax before her marriage]. I said I was sorry at her going several times over & I think she believed me. Yet I was only anxious not to seem inconsistent or less kind than usual & to appear as I wished, or rather as I thought proper, was an effort to me. We met Miss Maria Brown & Mr Higham, one of the officers of the Sixth Foot, & Mrs Lees & Miss Tipping & Mrs Louis Alexander. I was sorry for myself & ashamed of my company. Poor girl. How little she thought this. I rejoiced she could not know, she could not think it. I am indeed glad she is going. Told my uncle & aunt she was going to be married. Very good match, I said, & we were all glad… Yet I believe she likes me very much & feels grateful for all my attention. This has its effect on me. Her heart is unvitiated by the world. I would gladly do anything in the world to serve or give her pleasure.

  Monday 1 May [Halifax]

  All sitting quietly downstairs when (a few minutes before 10) we were roused by a loud rapping & screaming of female voices at the door. In came Mrs Walker of Crow Nest & her 2 daughters, the former almost fainting, & all ½ dead with fright, having just been overturned into the field in taking the sharp turn at the top of the lane. The reins had broken, the coachman lost all [control?] from the top of the hill. The horses came down full speed & were lying as if dead. None of the ladies, fortunately, much hurt. The footman did not happen to be on the box (not having been able to mount after walking up the new bank). The coachman had sprung a bone in his left ancle [sic] & bruised the hip a little. The horses did not appear at all the worse. After a glass of wine & being furnished with cloaks & a lantern, the ladies set off in ¼ hour to walk home. The carriage (very much broken) was brought here & the man sent off on one of the horses in about an hour after the rest. What a mercy they were no worse. How provident that the mischief was, in fact, so small considering the greatness of the accident.

  Wednesday 3 May [Halifax]

  Musing on the subject of being my own master. Of going to Buxton in my own carriage with a man & a maidservant. Meeting with an elegant girl of family & fortune; paying her attention; taking her to see Castleton; staying all night; having a double bedroom; gaining her affections, etc. Mused on all this but did not let it lead to anything worse.

  Thursday 4 May [Halifax]

  Sewing leather on to my clean stays… It was near 1 before I could get upstairs & it is now more than ¼ past before I can sit down to write to M—, having been obliged to finish mending my bombazine petticoat… Told M— that ‘Miss Browne went some days ago to town & Chepstow for 2 months or perhaps 3 or 4, at the end of which time she was to commence her travail in the holy state.’

  Friday 5 May [Halifax]

  In stopping a moment or two, as I often do, to look down the valley from the top of our lane, a carter overtook me, accosted me by name & asked civilly, which I answered, some questions about how the Walkers’ carriage was overturned. I had wished him goodnight & had not gone more than 2 or three yards before he called out, ‘Young woman, do you want a sweetheart?’ ‘What!’ said I angrily, ‘
I never listen to such impertinence but I shall know you again, & mind you never speak to me again.’ He muttered something, I know not what. Did the man mean to be impertinent, or was he encouraged by my talking to him? It will be a lesson to me to take care whom I talk to in future. One can hardly carry oneself too high or keep people at too great a distance.

  Tuesday 9 May [Halifax]

  All the morning till very near 3, copying notes from loose papers into Extracts, vol. B., & writing out an index to my volume of poetry & scraps for which, by the way, I must find out some more tractable name. One thing occurs to me after another. I have now thought of looking over all my extracts & making a universal index of similes, e.g. strong as Hercules; licentious as Tiberius; modest as Daphne, etc., & to make this index extend thro’ all my future reading. It would certainly be useful; for when one wants a good simile, it is often astray.

  Wednesday 10 May [Halifax]

  All the morning till after 3, looking over Extracts, vols B, C & D & finished the rough draft of an index of similes. I know not whether I can make the thing answer i.e. be worth the time & trouble. All the afternoon altering the tying & drawing of my velvet spencer after Miss Kitson’s letting down the hem, & mended one of my black cloth boots. From 7.35 to 8.10, walked to the shoemaker’s & back at the top of Hayley-hill.

  Friday 12 May [Halifax]

  At 11¾ down the new bank to Mr Saltmarshe’s… Mr Garlicke has this morning (at 9) pronounced Emma Saltmarshe’s housemaid in the scarlet fever & the girl is crimson with the irruption [sic] & can scarce speak for sore throat. Emma Saltmarshe seems pleased to find it the scarlet instead of rheumatic fever as she yesterday feared, & is not, apparently, apprehensive of the infection spreading, so that we both made ourselves very comfortable… ’Tis the custom here for physicians to send in their bills. When an illness is over, the family desire to have the bill. But some, it seems, have been so dilatory that Mrs Paley has sent in 1 or 2 bills of a hundred pounds each & already dunned the people 2 or 3 times!!! 7s. a visit in the town. 10/6 one mile beyond, & 2 guineas she believed the physicians some time ago agreed to have for going as far as Millhouse. Ellen (Mrs Empson) had told of Dr Belcombe’s taking £15 from a blacksmith at Elvington for 3 visits, which she seemed to think enormous. But the doctor was said to have behaved handsomely in telling the man after this that he could do him no more good… Felt a sick headache coming on (perhaps from eating a little at dinner & taking two very small oranges without sugar). Very poorly at Well-head & walked ¼ hour by myself in the garden, after having eaten biscuits & drank cold water to keep off sickness… Talked a good deal. Told Mr Saltmarshe my opinion of Don Juan. Emma told me afterwards she had read it at Elvington but durst not own to Kit that she had read more than a part of it… Just before coming away, Emma told me the story of Mrs Empson’s, the old mother’s, cook & housekeeper, who had slept with her, rubbed her all over, for two years & whom she recommended to her son, John Empson, turning out to be a man. ‘Mrs’ Ruspin was an excellent cook & housekeeper but unluckily fought with the footman which made the place so uncomfortable ‘she’ could not stay. The housemaid therefore left, to whom ‘Mrs’ Ruspin had shewn great attachment. They both went to London. ‘Mrs’ Ruspin married her. They keep a cook’s shop in London & Ruspin has taken his proper name & dress. Told the story before a family party after dinner. ‘Indeed,’ said —, ‘I did not know this.’ ‘No,’ said —, ‘If you had, I’m sure you’d never have parted with her.’ A laugh.

  Monday 15 May [Halifax]

  Called at Well-head & thanked Mrs Waterhouse (at the door) for her attention to me on Friday afternoon when I was sick. Left a message of thanks & inquiries at the Saltmarshes’ (the manservant beginning in the scarlet fever this morning).

  Friday 19 May [Halifax]

  Emma Saltmarshe rather poorly & her 2 servants, the man particularly, has been worse in the scarlet fever this last day or two.

  Sunday 21 May [Halifax]

  All went to church & staid the sacrament… During dinner, as is generally the case on a Sunday, sewing, mending my worsted stockings… James having been sent to Halifax immediately after tea yesterday & not returning till 9.35, & having, on Thursday, not come in till 9.25, in spite of all that was said to him about being in at 9, my aunt gave him warning this morning & told him he would be at liberty in a month. He was in at 9 tonight.

  Monday 22 May [Halifax]

  ’Tis now high time to resume my regular course of study… I have done nothing since going to Paris last May & this excursion has lost me, as it were, a whole year. I must manage better in future. I am heartily sick of the way in which this last 12 months has passed & am as heartily rejoiced to get back again to my former habits & pursuits. May the event be prosperous… Came upstairs, after being with my aunt in the garden planting out some seedling sycamore trees… My aunt told James’s father of his son’s going. He answered it was right, in a way that was not very pleasing & as if he took his son’s part. My aunt & I were vexed at such want of civility & gratitude, & both declared he had no more favors [sic] to expect. I should, if I had any influence, [see] he should not [have] Willroyd Farm… The thought & feeling of having recommenced my regular studies has afforded me a pleasure & happiness I have not experienced of long.

  Wednesday 24 May [Halifax]

  Letter… from Mrs Norcliffe (London) wishing me to inquire the character of a servant that has lived with Mrs Prescott & has offered to her (Mrs Norcliffe) as housekeeper… The woman was turned off for giving away great quantities of bread & meat & will not do for Mrs Norcliffe at all.

  Thursday 25 May [Halifax]

  Wrote 3pp. to Marian (Market Weighton) to ask her if their servants have not a brother who would suit us in James’s place & to make inquiries about one… At 2, down the new bank to Mr Sunderland’s. Waited ¼ hour, & then Mr Sunderland extracted from me (very well) the farmost [sic] low tooth on the right side. It was very fast & a very small portion of the jaw bone came with it between the fangs.

  Friday 26 May [Halifax]

  My gum bled very much & my mouth was very sore & uncomfortable all yesterday afternoon & evening. Towards night my throat began to feel very sore. Nor could I sleep much till this morning… A little after 8, the Saltmarshes’ groom brought me a note from Emma Saltmarshe thanking me for mine she received this morning, & saying Mr Saltmarshe began to be ill of the scarlet fever on Saturday. The disease increased so much on Sunday & Monday that he had been in great danger, but was now rapidly recovering. Poor Emma, I am heartily sorry for her… My throat worse again this evening. A little headache all the day & a little pain at my chest, & heavy & unwell in the evening. My aunt put it into my head & for a moment or two, I have thought whether I have caught the infection from Emma.

  Sunday 28 May [Halifax]

  My uncle went to morning church but my aunt staid at home with me. Heard her read the psalms & chapters & then came upstairs & lay down most of the day. In a good deal of pain from both the upper & lower jaw on the right side. That side of my face much swelled & my throat very bad. Mr Sunderland came between 4 & 5 in the afternoon. Ordered 6 leeches to be applied immediately & sent me some opening mixture, an embrocation & a gargle. If the inflammation could not be stopped, I should have a quinsy. Betty Wood, the leech-woman of Northowram, came at 7. In 10 minutes I was in bed & had 6 leeches just underneath my right jaw. They were on rather more than an hour. Rather sick but not to fainting. Hot flannels dipt [sic] in the embrocation applied, then lastly, a white bread poultice sprinkled with it. My aunt sat up with me till 5 in the morning. At 11, thought of gargling with vinegar & water (Mr Sunderland’s being altogether too smooth) & till 3½ gargled every 10 minutes. This relieved me exceedingly. Gargled twice afterwards & my aunt left me very much better. Dozed a little tho’ unable to sleep & got up at 11.30.

  Monday 29 May [Halifax]

  Very much better for my aunt’s attention & kindness which I verily believe was a great means of arresting the inflammation, the leech
es, however, doing their part. The orifices bled a great deal in the night & since the cloths were changed, at 5 this morning. Gargled with vinegar & water 4 or 5 times today. Mr Sunderland should have come at 12 but was prevented till about 4 this afternoon. Surprised to find me so much better than he expected. Said not a word of the gargle.

  Monday 5 June [Halifax]

  [Letters] from Miss Marsh (Micklegate) & one from Anne Belcombe both… to announce the melancholy tidings of Mr Norcliffe’s death, in London, of an inflammation of the lungs… How melancholy! How shocking! Poor Isabella!… A thousand terrible anxieties beset me. I wish I could set off instantly to meet her. How sad! How melancholy! How bitter thus to weep another’s woes.

  Wednesday 7 June [Halifax]

  Very affectionate letter from M—. A remarkable dream about my being found dead seems to have made a great impression on her. She heard of the death of Mr Norcliffe on Monday & was exceedingly shocked. ‘My Fred, will this melancholy event make any difference to you or me? I shall not lose you, my husband, shall I? Oh, no, no. You will not, cannot, forget I am your constant, faithful, your affectionate wife.’… Wrote to M—… very affectionate. Asking what made such a thought about Isabel arise, saying it cannot be, & holding out much promise of the future, but all in a way none but M— can understand & I think the letter might be seen & do no harm.

  Thursday 15 June [Halifax]

  My aunt had a letter from Marian. The character of George Playforth so far satisfactory… that he is to come on Monday as soon as he can.

  Monday 19 June [Halifax]

  George Playforth came (from Market Weighton) a little before 11. With a blue groom’s coat, & his breeches knee-ribands down to his shoetops (having, as I suppose, [been] all night in the mail), his appearance was not scanned to advantage.