Were All Animals

by Mima

  As if these feelings of hopelessness wasn’t enough, Chase also felt a strong fire building inside of him and it started on the night he learned of the second pregnancy. This combined with pure exhaustion building during the cold winter months pulled him into a depression, making him even more thankful for his personal sanctuary at the bar. However making an escape from the house without having to endure a conversation with his nosey neighbor was becoming almost impossible. It felt as if she were watching, waiting for him to exit.

  “Hey sorry, I’m running late,” Chase attempted to be pleasant to her on one particular day when she caught him on his way out. After working two jobs the day before then returning home to a screaming match with Audrey at 3 am, followed by the baby crying the rest of the night, he just wanted to head to the bar and crash out for some sleep. A part of him wanted to shove Flora aside, jump in the car and fly out of the driveway; but he had to be the friendly neighbor, yet another role he played on an average day. It was one of many - father of the year, loving husband, caring personal trainer, frightening bouncer, a porn star with incredible endurance - the list never seemed to end. He was an actor who was always switching roles.

  “Chase is everything okay, I thought I heard yelling last night,” Flora asked with compassion in her eyes and accusation in her voice. It was the typical woman thing; he was always answering to a woman whether it was his mother and sister back in the day, now Audrey, nagging clients at the gym, obnoxious drunks at the bar or Betsy’s stern sexual demands, women had to feel like they were always in control.

  “We had an argument,” His reply was curt, as he unlocked the car door and shot her a dispassionate look. Her eyes were full of concern but he suspected that it was insincere. With her blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, she looked substantially younger than her actual age, although her voice rough from years of smoking, although she claimed to have quit, he often could smell cigarette smoke drifting from her house. “That’s it.”

  “It sounded really bad,” She pushed and Chase took a deep breathe as he challenged her eyes.

  He didn’t reply.

  “Can I do anything?” She continued to show concern. He became more skeptical and merely shook his head no.

  “I have to go,” his reply was abrupt and he got in the car and zipped out of the driveway and down the road.

  Relief filled him when he arrived at the bar. He had barely slept in 48 hours and his body was at the point of exhaustion as he entered the empty building, turning off the alarm, he stumbled through to the tiny room behind Bud’s office.

  Barely able to move in the small, cramped space, he stubbed his toe. Fury felt like an intense, electrical current that shot through his veins and sent a charge of power like nothing he even felt, as he grabbed a nearby lamp and smashed it against the wall. His heart pounded with such intensity, he feared an explosion would overpower his body, as a scream filled the room, sounding like that of a wounded animal. Rationality seemed to chime in at the ideal moment, as he found himself gripping onto a nearby chair, clasping it so tight that beads of sweat were forming beneath his shaking hand. Letting go, he sat on the edge of the bed.

  What the fuck was wrong with him? This blind rage that snuck up on him was unexpected and frightening. Had the action resulted in any kind of peace, it would’ve been a different matter but instead, he felt sorrow floating through his body. A flow of tears came like a tropical storm, his chest shaking as if the room were frigid rather than stuffy and lifeless. He felt drained, defenseless, as his body sank to the floor, finding some stability as if it were holding the remainder of his sanity. He closed his eyes and they suddenly sprang opened.

  What was that under the bed? His eyes attempted to focus, but the stale scent of the carpet suddenly repulsed him, as he sat up and then lifted the blankets to focus his eyes.It was silver. A ring? He reached out and picked it up.

  The piece of jewelry looked like a kid’s ring. Well, maybe a teenage girl’s ring. It was a purple butterfly that was too juvenile for an adult woman, but yet, probably too old for a younger child. Did Bud have children? Chase’s boss rarely talk about his personal life, other than making reference to a woman he was dating, but until that moment, it never occurred to him that he might have kids. Maybe he had stopped at the bar at some time and had a child with him. It seemed possible. If anyone knew how easy it was to suddenly be a father, it was Chase.

  The concept peaked his curiosity. He didn’t even know where Bud lived. Considering the money he was making off the movies alone, chances are he had a nice place. Chase ended up handing over most of his own money to Audrey to put toward the never-ending costs of running a home and her van. He managed to save some on the sly, but if he didn’t have her and Leland, he would’ve been able to afford a more comfortable lifestyle with his jobs; the work on and off the records.

  It made him see Bud differently. It made him feel more connected to his boss as if he better understood where Chase was coming from and that sense of connection calmed him.

  In the weeks following news of Audrey’s pregnancy, Chase found himself grow quieter. He didn’t even talk to Maggie very often even though she was trying her best to encourage him, her own heart was sinking. Feeling cramped in the small, rural area, suffocated, as she described it, Maggie was anxious to leave Hennessey. Having succeeded at the first test for the RCMP, her confidence seemed to grow especially when her months of working out at the gym were also paying off, creating muscles and endurance that would allow her to take on the physical portion of the test with no issue. She was ready.

  Chase encouraged her, but secretly dreaded the day she would announce moving. He knew it was coming but he was in denial, much in the same way as he was about the new baby.

  Work consumed most of his days. Both of his bosses were like surrogate fathers to him, replacing the feeble man that he didn’t speak to anymore; although both were vastly different, they shared many traits such as being upbeat, optimistic, always encouraging Chase no matter how grim he felt about life. In fact, they taught him how to be a man, a pool that his own father seemed to dip his toe in more than dive into altogether.

  His work at the gym continued to be intriguing. Claire was gone for the summer and returned that fall, surprising him when she started their affair again. His time was pretty limited but she hardly saw this as an obstacle.

  Bud continued to talk about a new actress he was currently looking into, while Betsy still showed her half-hearted attempts at making movies with Chase. Since he wasn’t opened to ‘showing his mug’ she complained that they were limited and therefore, didn’t think many options were left. Bud insisted that she was the star and that Chase not being on camera allowed her to have all the attention, a concept that she liked and soon came up with other ideas on how to make it work; including a threesome with another chick.

  The truth was that he couldn’t keep it together. When he watched the two women fondling each other and moaning, it seemed so incredibly dramatic and fake that he started to laugh. Betsy got pissed off and ran out of the bedroom and into Bud’s office, completely naked and complained about ‘that fucking moron’. Bud, always being the professional, calmed the waters and within 20 minutes, the three of them were involved in a sexual act that was somewhat acrobatic and challenging to not only keep himself from ‘shooting’ too fast but also holding the camera at the right angle. Anyone that thought porn was easy, really had no idea.

  The year came to an end and unlike the previous one, Chase made sure to remember Maggie’s birthday when it rolled around, buying her a small cake from the local bakery and presenting it to her before a bar shift in mid-December. Bud got in on things, offering them both some shots before work. Maggie declined but Chase took one, his eyes watering as the bitter taste of alcohol burned his throat, something that made Bud laugh. It did seem to take the edge off, though, which was a welcomed change.

  Christmas came and went. L
eland was too young to really understand what was going on but it didn’t stop everyone from buying him every toy under the sun. Both families gathered together on Christmas Day to watch Audrey open the gifts for the baby.

  Chase noted that his father definitely aged, looking thin and pale, while his mother focused on her grandson and barely talked to anyone else in the room. Audrey had a strange look on her face as if she had finally discovered what she married into and Angel sat quietly in the corner, uninterested in her nephew and quietly nursing a drink. When Chase announced he had to go to work at the bar and jumped out of his chair, Angel followed him outside.

  “You really have to work tonight?” She snapped as she followed him outside.

  “Yes, Angel, bars sometimes open on Christmas Day. I’m assuming so people can escape their families,” He muttered, as he pulled his jacket closer while heading toward the car. Angel abruptly pulled on her own coat, her pale face expressionless.

  “Chase, we have to talk, it’s important.”

  He stopped but didn’t reply.

  “Dad’s sick.”

  “Sick?” Chase asked, half laughing at the concept since his father hadn’t even had a cold in years.

  “He’s very sick, Chase,” Angel spoke earnestly. Her eyes started to water and to his surprise, she pulled him into a hug and started to sob.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Chase didn’t have to watch the news to learn it was the coldest winter Alberta had seen in years; he felt it every morning. The drafty old living room he slept in seemed to be the coldest in the house, something Audrey gleefully commented on, her snide remarks giving her comfort, as if he deserved to suffer since he wouldn’t sleep with her. For that reason, he often chose to stay at the bar and even though the back room was cold as fuck most mornings, it still brought with it the pleasure of peace and quiet; no baby crying, no Audrey yelling, and no nosey fucking neighbour at the door, trying to pry into his life.

  It was a glum month and as heating bills rose, businesses slowed down. Chase naively thought it was just too cold to get out of the house, but Harold pointed out that things like gym memberships seemed secondary to costs that came with winter months; household expenses, unexpected damages brought on by the winter, not to mention attempting to catch up after overspending during the holidays. For the first time since leaving high school, Chase found his hours cut back at both the gym and the bar. Although this came as a relief at first, when things didn’t pick up into February and then March, he grew concerned.

  Audrey was getting huge. She could barely wobble around the house and rather than having compassion for her, he felt a sense of satisfaction that she was in discomfort. It seemed appropriate considering she had hijacked his life and turned it into a circus sideshow, rather than a fantasy come true. Not that he necessarily would’ve had the best life had they not hooked up, but there would’ve been that elusive dream to keep striving toward. Now, he felt like his life was no longer a blank slate, but a dismal nightmare that felt hopeless and limited. And it was the limits that made him the angriest at all.

  He looked around and noticed other people his age settling down and thought it was unusual to see people who were barely out of high school already getting married and having kids, creating debt, whatever it was that families did together. He couldn’t help but feel like they were looking for what they thought was the safest option, as opposed to what was natural. Then again, had he stayed with Lucy, would this be his life now?

  His ex occasionally rolled into town, but slowly became a whole new person. She looked at him as if he were unfamiliar to her and rather than being humored by the shitstorm his life had become, she looked at him with strangely subdued eyes as if she wanted to say something but the words never quite got out. She was now in college, approximately an hour away from Hennessey and still living with ‘Lucky Luke’ who apparently worked in the oil fields and had lots of money coming in. He was paying for her course and it was only when she spoke of it, that she showed any signs of joy. Maybe it was maturity that he mistook for unhappiness, but something felt off with Lucy. He just wasn’t sure what.

  “She’s depressed,” Maggie said bluntly when he brought up the topic, as he watched her behind the bar, where she put glasses away before the business opened on that frigid March afternoon. She wore a fitted t-shirt and black jeans, appearing to be comfortable, even though Chase still wore his jacket. Then again, she moved so fast that perhaps the cold didn’t have a chance to catch her.

  “Depressed?”

  “Yeah, I can tell,” Maggie insisted, showing neither compassion or satisfaction in this fact. She bent over and slid a tray of glasses under the bar. A small strand of hair fell in her face and she quickly brushed it aside. “Life hasn’t turned out as she thought it would.”

  “Ha! Tell me about it,” Chase wasn’t able to hold back his bitterness and it was something that only momentarily caught Maggie’s attention before she silently went back to work. He felt like she was avoiding his eyes and a sting of guilt hit him. “I mean, not just me, obviously, it’s-

  “No,” Her voice was soft as she rose a hand to halt his comments as she stood upright again. “That’s fine, Chase. I don’t blame you for feeling that way and yes, my life hasn’t turned out as I thought at this point, but your path is definitely bumpier. I totally understand.”

  He squeezed his lips shut, suddenly having flashes of the latest movie he made with Betsy cross his mind. It was the one secret he kept from Maggie, but yet, how could he ever tell her the truth? He felt as if it had come between them. Could she sense it? Was she feeling the distance too?

  “Chase, I think I might be leaving soon,” Her words were rushed, as if she had forced them out much in the same way one would rip off a Band-Aid; fast, before you had a chance to realize what was happening and yet, the pain was still there. It was just sharper.

  “What?” He suddenly felt like a child who was being told there was no Santa Claus, that the magical side of childhood had always been a lie. He knew this was coming for some time, but he chose instead to float in the beautiful waters of naivety.

  “I was talking to my dad in Calgary,” She started slowly, still avoiding his eyes. “He thinks that I would benefit from going there, just looking into some courses, doing some volunteer work, learning another language, I don’t know,” She suddenly stopped, but only to quickly glance at him and look away. “He’s right, those are things that might help me get in the RCMP. I’m not going anywhere here.”

  “You can do some of those things here…online, right?” He made a feeble attempt to persuade her but knew it was senseless to even try. She’d already made up her mind and this day had been coming for a while. “I guess it’s not the same.”

  “I was talking to a guy who’s in the RCMP and he told me that I should gain as many experiences and knowledge that I can,” She finally made eye contact with him. “He was right. My world is pretty small here. There’s my sister, my mom, you, that’s about it other than work. I don’t have many friends anymore. Lucy ditched me and everyone else moved away after high school and every time they come back, I can see it in their eyes, that ‘I knew she’d never leave’ look. As if my dreams were all talk and nothing more.”

  “Come on Mags-

  “It’s true.”

  “Maybe it’s true for both of us,” He suddenly felt a stab of depression. It never occurred to him that perhaps people looked at him in the same way. “Even more so.”

  Maggie took a deep breath and her face faded in color. “I’m sorry, Chase, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean you, I think people see you differently.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” Chase replied and bit his lip. “That’s how I see my own life and I want more for you.”

  “Chase you can have more, you have more options.”

  He didn’t reply.

  The rest of the night wa
s an endless flow of drunks coming in, most of which Chase met with a stern glare as emotions ripped through his body; a part of him wanting to put his fist through the wall, another part wanting to hide in the corner and cry but he feared that if he were to do either, he wouldn’t be able to stop once he started. He was tired of life fucking him over. Maggie was the only good thing left and without her around, there was a sinister part of him that felt as though it would be unleashed, for he had no other reason to hold it back. If there was a God, he just took and took and took, until Chase had nothing left.

  His birthday came and went on one of those cold, depressing days. Maggie attempted a mini celebration with Bud before work, but he wasn’t feeling it. He could see that reflected in her eyes as she passed him a German Chocolate Cake with a single candle on it. “I know you don’t eat cake, but make an exception this one time. I remember you said this was your favorite.”

  “Come on now,” Bud chimed up, waving his hand in the air as he stood beside Maggie. “Listen to the little girl, now blow out that candle and make a wish.”

  Chase grunted, thinking that it was a silly ritual. In fact, if he wished for something, there was almost a guarantee that the opposite would happen. Still, he followed these instructions, something that seemed to make both Bud and Maggie happy.

  “Twenty years old, what I would do to go back and live those times over,” Bud announced, leaning on the bar, a dreamy look in his eyes. “The things I would do.”

  “I’ll gladly switch with you,” Chase muttered and was surprised by the bitterness in his voice, it certainly wasn’t his intention to dampen the moment, however, it didn’t phase Bud.