Were All Animals

by Mima

  “Be 20 again, looking like you, my God, bring it on!” Bud stood up straight, with a glow of excitement in his eyes that cause both Chase and Maggie to laugh. “Ain’t gonna say no to that.”

  “Well, hopefully, you’re smarter than me and wear a condom at the right times,” Chase couldn’t help but add, something that made the two of them to laugh even more.

  “Hey now, Bud’s always careful,” He tapped Maggie’s arm and let out a loud, yelping laugh that was causing her to laugh more, something that appeared to be contagious.

  Little did he realize at the time, that it would be one of the few moments he would share with Maggie before she would move in late April. Both their lives were so busy, that it was almost impossible to get together and when they did, it was usually before work at the bar. He had hoped that they would have some private time together the night before she left, but a series of events made it impossible. Just as with the rest of his life, Chase certainly didn’t have the luck of the draw and had to work at the gym, due to a sick coworker.

  Maggie had intended to drop by to see him but it didn’t happen. The long night at the gym, trying to help clients while keeping one eye on the door, hoping she would walk through it any minute, filled him with both anxiety and anticipation. He was distracted and couldn’t wait till the night end and he could finally lock the doors and head out.

  His immediate instinct was to go to her house. He had to say goodbye, tell her the thoughts that were running through his head, words that had to be said even if it didn’t really matter to her. They were burning up inside of him and had been since that night he left the party, in her mother’s beat up old car. He had to tell her the truth about his feelings, about what he was secretly doing on the side for Bud; he had to tell her everything. He couldn’t let her go without everything coming out.

  But it didn’t happen. He left the gym and rushed to her house to see no lights. No one was home and the car was gone. His heart pounding in agitation, Chase took a breath and attempted to calm himself, in hopes he could rationally think of where she could be. With a shaking hand, he texted her, but she didn’t reply. He sat in her driveway for longer than he meant to, staring at the dark window that had been her room, wondering why she wasn’t answering him. Tears burned his eyes as he started the car and turned back on the road.

  Pink Floyd poured through the car and he turned it up loud, as he sobbed uncontrollably, swerving on the road, he briefly feared that someone would see him do so and think he had been drinking and quickly forced himself to calm down. His body shook, the coldness of the outside finally meeting with his deep spirit, the part of him that died slowly each day. He thought about the night Leland was born, how he had stayed the night at Maggie’s and held her in his arms. It was the only time he truly felt love flow through his heart; now nothing seemed to matter anymore, he desperately thought of his bleak life that continued to unravel until there was almost nothing left.

  It was when he met a tractor trailer that his mind, for one brief moment, went into autopilot. His eyes focused on the bright lights on his face, a chill crossed over him and he felt his arm shaking, almost as if fighting off the impulse to make a sudden swerve, full speed ahead into the front of the truck. No one would care. Maggie was about to start a new life, soon to forget her old one, while the rest of the world barely seemed to see him on their radar. He was invisible. He was no one.

  But something stopped him and when he would later look back on that night, it was almost as if his memory wouldn’t reveal what happened. Suddenly, he was driving normal, the truck was in his rearview mirror and he felt at peace; no longer crying, no longer angry, just a calmness; the most frightening passenger of all.

  Unconsciously, he drove to the bar and went inside. It was a quiet night, blues music flowed through the speakers and at the back of the room sat Bud with a clipboard on the table in front of him. Making his way to the table, his legs felt weak as if he had just run a marathon. Bud looked genuinely surprised when he saw Chase sit across from him, concern filled his eyes as he stared.

  “Oh man, I thought for sure you would be with Maggie tonight,” He commented and when Chase didn’t reply, too stunned to talk. “She was still leaving tonight?”

  “She is?” His voice was small, defeated in the same way his spirit now felt, as it dripped out of his body, slinking away into the night.

  “Yeah, she ah….she dropped in earlier today and told me, they changed it up on her, I just thought,” Bud hesitated and glanced down at the paper. “Saying goodbye, it’s hard, you know?”

  Chase nodded, slumped over in the chair, he felt as if the music flowing through him. “Yeah, it is.”

  “I’m sure she tried to find you, but I think it was pretty last minute,” Bud assured him, pushing his paperwork aside. “You know you meant the world to that little girl.”

  ‘I’m not so sure right now,” Chase took a deep breath and glanced around the dreary bar.

  “Like I said, it’s hard to say goodbye. Sometimes people choose to not do it because they can’t.”

  “But why not? You know, even a text,” Chase asked, glancing at the phone in his hand. “Nothing.”

  “I wouldn’t take it personally,” Bud insisted. “I really wouldn’t.”

  Chase considered his words. “I think I’m going to stay at the bar tonight,” He pointed toward the office. “You don’t have something going on there?”

  Bud let out a laugh. “No, course not, you’re here aren’t you,” His answer was smooth, maybe a little too smooth, Chase considered as he rose from the chair and made his way toward the office.

  Exhausted, but yet, he didn’t sleep a wink that night.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  The burning in his stomach started in the spring. It started with the news that Audrey was pregnant with twins and only grew stronger with each passing day. His life, now without Maggie, was bleak and dreary, his spirit, he was certain, moved to Calgary with her on that cold, winter night.

  Chase thought of her all the time. He pictured her walking on the sidewalk beside busy streets, hundreds of people around and not one of them seeing her at all; just another person rushing along, her life irrelevant to them, as they stared at their phones and ignored everyone and everything around them. On the other hand, she would always be looking around, curious and anxious, taking in everything. Was she overwhelmed by the size of the city? Did the fast pace intimidate her? Was she scared? Did she make a new friend?

  He hoped so. In fact, Chase truly wished that all her dreams would come true. Maggie deserved it and somehow, he could picture her life working out perfectly, now that she made the move and took a chance. He was jealous, but proud, at the same time.

  The two finally connected in a brief conversation, where Maggie insisted she had made great efforts to find him the night her mother suddenly decided to move her; preferring nighttime because of the ease of traffic. Instead, she had rushed to the bar in Mento, only to realize he was back in Hennessey and by that time, her mother was sternly letting her know that they just didn’t have time to go back. Never a fan of Chase, it didn’t surprise him that her mom had no concern for his feelings.

  “We wouldn’t have had time to really talk anyway,” She insisted through the phone, a slight echo suggested she was in an empty room, her voice soft and gentle. Grief filled him, nausea followed her words and he fell silent. It seemed impossible to believe that they couldn’t have found the time to get together for one, last visit. Had she avoided it or had he not made himself available? Was it actually him that couldn’t say goodbye?

  “I will be back for visits, Chase and you know you…” her voice drifted off as if she realized that it was unlikely he would be able to visit her in Calgary. Between work and his family, it wouldn’t happen. There were just too many obstructions in the way, keeping them apart that there was no need to do anything but to surrender. He did
n’t reply nor did she finish her sentence.

  He heard the fear in her voice and although Chase knew she was happy to be away, she was definitely scared too. Who wouldn’t be? It was a huge city and Maggie was so far away from everything she had grown used to in life. Fortunately, her father was there and helping her out a great deal so she wasn’t alone.

  Their conversation ended on a cool note. He felt secrets hanging in the air but how could he tell her the truth about anything over the phone? It was something that had to be done in person but when would that happen and was it too late? She hadn’t been gone long and already, he felt the distance growing between them and it scared him.

  His friendship with Bud seemed to grow when Maggie moved away. Unlike Harold, who was all business, Bud seemed interested in his personal life and enjoyed giving out unsolicited advice.

  “That’s just the way she goes,” He commented one afternoon before the bar opened; the two sat at a table, Bud calmly rolling a joint as he listened to Chase describing his recent interactions with Maggie. “People grow apart sometimes but not always. Sometimes people can be a million miles away and still close to you in your heart more then as if they’re in the same room.”

  Chase immediately thought of Audrey and grunted. “It seems kind of fucked up.”

  “Well, boy, it is,” He licked the rolling paper while raising his eyebrows at the same time. “Just keep talking to Maggie. Check in frequently. It’s scary moving to a big, bad city like Calgary. Trying to find your way around, trying to make friends, that there is not easy. Although, I will say it’s easier than if you move in a small town like this one here. People think they know more about you and judge you harshly cause of it.”

  “How long have you been here, Bud?” Chase asked and turned his head when he heard a car outside.

  “Four, five years now?” He replied and sat the joint aside, squinting his eyes, he peered out the window. His eyes narrowed. “Middle-aged women with bangs, they always make me nervous.”

  Chase opened his mouth to ask why, but Bud was already out of the chair and heading toward the door, his voice sugary sweet as it always was when talking to strangers. It wasn’t that he was fake but that he poured on some fake charm, the kind most men would reserve for women that were on their radar. Turning in his chair, Chase immediately recognized Maggie’s mother.

  She gave him a rushed, almost nonexistent smile and turned her attention toward Bud. She talked low, Chase assumed to make sure he didn’t overhear their conversation, making him feel snubbed as he turned back around in his chair. Maggie’s mom didn’t like him and he wasn’t sure why. Even after the night she specifically asked him to drop by to comfort her daughter, her dislike only seemed to grow rather than fade away.

  He could hear her walking out, not making an efforts to acknowledge him; as if he were merely a fly on the wall, rather than someone of substance or relevance. It was a sting he shouldn’t have felt, but he did. Had Maggie said something to her to make her dislike him so much?

  Bud returned to his seat and didn’t say anything at first. Shaking his head, one eyebrow rose, he reached for his joint and lit it up. “Uppity bitch.”

  “She doesn’t like me very much,” Chase quietly confessed as he listened to the sound of a car pulling out of the driveway outside. “Never has.”

  “Course not, she knew you wanted to fuck her daughter,” Bud let out a short laugh as he inhaled his ‘medicine’ as he referred to it and leaned back and with his foot, pulled over another rickety, old chair close and put his leg up on it. “They never like that.’

  Chase smirks and gave him a look.

  “I know, I know, you didn’t,” Bud put his hand up defensively. “I’m just saying you wanted to and I don’t think anyone thought otherwise, including her. But her being a lesbian and all, kind of made it difficult.”

  Chase didn’t reply and finally asked. “What did her mom want?”

  “Ah, just her T4. I was gonna go and send it but I guess maybe she didn’t trust me,” He shrugged and took another puff, before putting out the joint on the nearby windowsill. “I tell ya, don’t trust middle-aged woman with bangs.”

  Chase laughed. “Where did you get that?”

  “Life experience, that’s where” Bud replied and took a drink of his coffee. “Those severe, almost perfectly straight bangs, always spell trouble with middle-aged woman. We’re not talking about the ones with a bit of wave, a bit of curl, we’re talking the fucking straight as an arrow bangs, that look like they’ve been cut by a ruler. Those bitches are trouble.”

  Chase considered what he said and shrugged. He thought of former teachers, clients at the gym and even women that stopped by the bar. “You might have a point.”

  “Just the older ones, though,” Bud said, apparently feeling the need to clarify. “The young ones with those bangs, usually sexual deviants, oddly enough.”

  Chase let out a laugh. “And not the middle age ones?”

  “Nah, they hate men. If they’re sexual deviants, it ain’t with us.” Bud shrugged, his eyes glazed over, he took a deep breath. “Life teaches you all kinds of things Chase and you’re just getting started.”

  “Funny, I feel like I’m years older than I am.”

  “That’s cause life has fucked you and it fucked you hard,” Bud replied thoughtfully, his hand grazing the table as if to inspect a slight bump in the wood. “It fucks us all, but not usually at your age.”

  The comment defeated him. It wasn’t meant to be jarring, but he was still vulnerable from Maggie’s move, the news about the twins and almost feared what would be next. Life was definitely pounding the shit out of him and there didn’t seem to be anything bright in the skies. The flash of bright headlights in his eyes drifted in his mind; had he made the right choice the night Maggie left town? Should he had swerved and shot head first into the large truck in the opposite lane? Would this nightmare all be over now? His pathetic life finished? Would anyone even care?

  “Cheer up, kid,” Bud said as he tapped his fingers on the table. “We got you a nice surprise coming up later this month. A nice, surprise to film with.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah, a nice little girl, you’re gonna like her,” Bud smirked. “I promise you that.”

  “And this girl,” he continued. “Perfecto” He kissed his fingertips.

  Chase nodded. This was a promise he had heard many times but somehow doubted that it would matter. Making the movies wasn’t all it was cracked up to be and it left him feeling like someone who had broken a law but hadn’t been caught yet. Not that the movies were illegal, but they still felt wrong. Then again it was an escape from his real life. It was all he had for himself, other than his vigorous workout routines at the gym; the rest of his life seemed to belong to someone else; his employers, his wife or his child. Everyone had a piece of him. If he was lucky, there was a little portion sometimes left for himself.

  The days rolled along and Audrey seemed to get bigger every morning. It was now difficult for her to do the simplest thing, so she often opted to do nothing. He returned home one day to find her sitting on the couch, while Leland cried upstairs. With her eyes closed, she showed no signs of distress over the fact that her baby was screaming his lungs out; Chase ran upstairs, expecting him to be hurt but instead found him sitting on his bedroom floor with a diaper full of shit.

  Quickly rushing to change the baby, Leland stared at him as if he were a savior who occasionally swooped in. Feeling grief in his heart, it shifted to anger when he finally went downstairs to find Audrey still on the couch, showing little interest in what was or wasn’t wrong with Leland.

  “What the fuck Audrey? You can’t check on your own fucking kid?”

  “He’s your fucking kid too,” Her eyes snapped open. “Not just when it’s convenient for you to come home.”

  “I’m fucking working two jobs, wh
at do you expect?” Chase shot back, but she acted as if he hadn’t said a thing. Awkwardly rising from the couch, she brushed past him and started upstairs. “You might want to check on your kid when he’s screaming. Leland’s diaper was full of fucking shit. Full, Audrey, do you ever bother to change him?”

  She continued to walk upstairs, ignoring his words. He rushed behind her.

  “This might surprise you but having kids isn’t just a way to trap a guy into marrying you, there’s also some responsibility involved,” His voice shook in anger, a fire burned through his limbs as he watched her go upstairs as if she hadn’t a care in the world, as if he weren’t speaking to her, as if he were invisible. “You have to look after him.”

  At the top of the stairs, she swung around so fast, that Chase found himself grabbing the banister, fear lurched through his heart as he momentarily thought he was going to fall down. He knew she wanted to push him. An adrenaline rush shot through his body and he flew to the top of the stairs and grabbed her arm.

  “Look after your fucking kid,” He screamed and in the next room, Leland quickly followed suit, his sharp cries rang through the house.

  “Let go of me,” Audrey’s hot breath was on his face, her voice was sharp, high pitched and it was just then that he noticed she had a new haircut; her bangs were straight, severe even, as Bud’s words flowed through his mind. She started to struggle, using her free hand to push him back toward the staircase. His heart began to race furiously and in that second, he wanted to hurt her and squeezed her arm harder, while struggling to get away from the stairs, his immediate instincts were to fight back and that’s when he used all his force to shove her against the wall.

  A huge thud shook the house as she fell to the floor and grabbed her stomach. Animal like screams came from her mouth and sent a shiver through his body, as he realized exactly what he had done. It was right then, as he felt a frigid cloud of shock blanket his body, that he turned to see Flora standing at the end of the staircase.