In The Moment

by Alison G. Bailey

“She’s a carrier, which means there’s a fifty percent chance of passing it onto her children.” The words stuck in his throat.

  The thought of his beautiful, smart, and kind sister finding out that by her mother’s age she could be sinking into the same disease was almost too much to bear. Then like a fucking bolt of lightning, I thought of Luken. I didn’t want to ask the question because I was terrified of the answer.

  He read my mind. “I don’t know. I didn’t get tested.”

  In that moment it became clear why he’d been working so hard over the past year to build up his company, why he was impatient for me to meet his family, and why he wasn’t afraid of how quickly our relationship developed. It also explained the words tattooed on his side. Luken was trying to pack as much living into every moment.

  I choked back a sob. “Why don’t you want to know?”

  “Why bother? So I can spend the next twenty years being scared shitless when each New Year passes? Then wonder if every time I lose my keys, it’s the beginning of the end? I can’t live like that, Cadence.”

  “I love you more than I ever thought was humanly possible,” I said, choking back a sob.

  His hands traveled up my back and into my hair as he pressed his lips to mine. I wrapped myself around his body and held on.

  I’d spent the last fifteen years of my life helping clients plan for their financial future. I told people every day how much to set aside and what investments would yield the highest return. If they do this then a secure future was guaranteed. So they make sacrifices. They work harder and longer, skipping family dinners and vacations, believing that there’ll be time later to catch up. True no one is guaranteed a future but how many of us deep down believe that? It’s all theory and conjecture.

  Here in my arms was a young man who had a very real question mark on his future and I had nothing for him. Neither my fifteen-year head start, my future planning abilities, nor surviving cancer made me any wiser. At the age of twenty five, does a person live their life on conjecture or live with the knowledge that something beyond their control will rob them of not only their future but their past as well.

  I DON’T KNOW how long Luken and I stayed up on deck holding each other before finally heading below to bed. We didn’t talk anymore on the topic. All I wanted was for us to disappear into our little world where I could protect him. After making love, we remained quiet, staring into each other’s eyes until he drifted off to sleep. I, on the other hand, couldn’t fall asleep so easily after finding out he had a fifty/fifty chance of inheriting the Alzheimer’s gene, so I wanted to spend the rest of the night researching the disease.

  When I was sure Luken was in a deep sleep, I slipped out of bed and headed up to the deck of the boat with my iPhone in hand. I prayed that I’d find information on a successful treatment plan. I wasn’t naïve enough to think there was a cure, but maybe there was new evidence that a combination of drugs would slow the disease down to the point that it barely had an effect at all.

  I had to do some math to estimate Terri’s age. Since Luken and Jen were twenty-five, I guessed her to be at least forty five to fifty, and like Tom, she didn’t look much older than me. I typed in every possible combination of words and clicked on every article, searching for even an ounce of hope.

  There were medications proven to have some success in combating the progression of the disease, but none that would stop or cure it. When I turned my focus on learning about the gene itself, what I found shattered my heart completely. Since Terri was diagnosed at what was considered to be a young age for the disease, the chances were high that Jen and Luken, if he had the gene, would start showing symptoms at the same age their mother did. The age at which the second chapter of your life should be starting. A time to relax and enjoy the accomplishments you’ve achieved in life, career, and family.

  After reading that and feeling dejected and completely helpless, I decided to put my phone away and crawl back into bed. The moonlight filtered through the window softly lighting Luken’s face. Looking at him, I thought back to when I was twenty-five. I had just gotten my job at the bank and rented my first apartment without having to have roommates. I was a strong independent young woman excited about her life and future. At that time I didn’t know the specifics but knew someday, I’d settle down with the man of my dreams, buy a house, and start a family. Of course it didn’t work out that way, but at least I was given the chance.

  Raising my hand, I gently brushed the hair from Luken’s forehead before sliding further under the covers. Without opening his eyes, he turned toward me, draping his arm over my hips and nuzzling my neck.

  “I love having you in my life,” he whispered before drifting back to sleep.

  I stared at the ceiling, wracking my brain until the sun came up, thinking of ways to give Luken his chance.

  The next day every time I looked at him, I had to fight the tears from falling. We had taken the boat out for the afternoon, and I wanted nothing more than for us to sail as far away from the cloud that followed him.

  With my overnight bag slung over my shoulder, I walked up on deck. As I turned the corner, I saw him talking with a dark haired boy who looked to be around eight years old. The boy listened intently as Luken explained how to secure the boat. Once they had completed the job together, pride and joy radiated off both of them.

  The corners of my mouth curled up into a smile with the thought of Luken teaching his own son how to sail. My stomach clenched with the sudden realization that I wouldn’t be able to give him that moment. My brown eyes weren’t the only thing I got from my mom. Whatever slight chance I had of being able to get pregnant was completely wiped away by the chemo. The sound of Luken calling my name snapped me out of my thoughts.

  “Hey, Cadence come meet my friend Charlie.”

  “Hey, Charlie.”

  “You have a funny name,” the little boy said.

  “It is kind of funny.”

  “But I like it.” He gave me a big toothy grin.

  “Charlie!” A blonde woman called as she walked toward us. “Charlie, are you bothering these nice people?”

  “No, Mom. Luken let me help tie off the boat. He said he’d show me around if it was okay with you and Dad.”

  Charlie’s mom smiled politely. “I’m sorry. He doesn’t know a stranger. I’m Cindy Foster. My husband and I have a boat two slips down.”

  Luken walked over and stood by my side. “I’ve seen your boat. It’s gorgeous.”

  “Mom, this is Cadence.”

  Impressed, I said, “Very good. You’re the only person who’s remembered my name after hearing it only once.”

  “Nice to meet y’all. I hope my son didn’t take up too much of your time. Come on, your dad is waiting for us.”

  “But Mom I want to see the boat.”

  “I’ll give you the tour one day soon, Buddy.”

  “Promise?”

  “Scout’s honor.” Luken crossed his heart.

  “Cool!”

  “Thank you. Have a good evening,” Cindy said, guiding her son down the dock.

  As I watched them walk away, a soft kiss landed on my shoulder.

  “Earth to Cadence.”

  “Huh? Oh, sorry.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. A little too much sun, I guess.”

  Snaking his arms around my waist, he kissed my neck. “Stay with me tonight.”

  I relaxed into him. “I have work tomorrow, and I didn’t bring anything to change into.”

  “So I’ll run you home to grab some clothes.”

  “I need to catch up on a few bills and laundry. And I couldn’t tell you the last time I cleaned my place.”

  “Okay. I can play catch up with work. Have dinner with me tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I whispered.

  The entire ride home I tried to act present and not distracted, but my thoughts kept drifting to Luken and Charlie.

  SITTING AT MY DESK, I continued to stare at the same document
that had been in front of me for the past hour. I’d been completely useless since walking in the door this morning. Last night, alone in my condo my thoughts kept spinning with ways to help Luken. But no matter what popped into my head, I kept coming back to the same conclusion.

  Poking her head in my office, Grace said, “Lunch today?”

  “What?”

  “Lunch. Today.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  She stepped inside, closed the door, and sat across from me.

  “Talk.”

  “About what?”

  “About whatever has you looking like a zombie who just lost its bloody human snack.”

  I looked up at her with puffy red eyes.

  “My god, you even have zombie eyes. What’s wrong?”

  “I met Luken’s family this weekend.”

  “Bastards?”

  I shook my head. “They couldn’t have been nicer and more welcoming.”

  “Fantastic! You passed the family test. So what’s got you so glum?”

  I choked back a sob. “Luken’s mom has Alzheimer’s.”

  “Fuck.”

  “She’s not that much older than us.”

  “Double fuck.”

  “It runs in their family, Grace. His sister, Jen, has the gene.”

  “Fuck infinity and beyond. And Luken?”

  “He opted out of the test.”

  “There’s something more you’re not telling me.”

  “I love him so much, Grace.” I paused, trying to brace myself before I admitted what I had to do. “I need to let him go.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Yesterday at the marina, Luken was showing a little boy how to dock the boat. He was fantastic with him. You know I can’t give him that future.”

  “Caddie, you don’t even know if he wants that future.”

  “But he deserves that option. And if he has the gene… I want him to have as much time as possible to enjoy his children.”

  As my resolve broke, sobs poured out of me. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, Grace pulled me into a hug, and let me cry until I was cried out.

  I WAS IN no condition to be any good at work for the rest of the day, so I decided to leave early. Before going home, I texted Luken.

  Me: Hey, not feeling well. A stomach bug, I think. Rain check on dinner?

  Luken: I’ll come take care of you.

  Me: No. I don’t want you to catch it. I’ll be fine. Going to sleep it off.

  Luken: Call me if you need anything. I’ll check on you later. I love you.

  My heart plummeted as my finger hovered over the screen.

  Me: I love you beyond words.

  I’d convinced myself that the only reason I held on to the stomach bug excuse was because it bought me enough time to think about how I was going to break things off. In reality, I was just stalling. I regretted that my relationship with Michael had ended, but if I were being honest, I never had a problem picturing my life without him even after being together for twelve years. I felt like a bitch even thinking this, but it was the truth. Luken was another story. I’d didn’t even know he existed twelve weeks ago. And now I found myself unable to imagine getting through an entire day without him much less the rest of my life.

  Over the course of the next few days, I kept up the charade. Fortunately, with my job I was able to work from home, thus avoiding the chance of Luken dropping by my office unannounced. When he called, I let it go to voicemail, and sent a text that I felt too sick to talk. I knew I’d crumble if I heard his voice. I just needed time away from him to build up enough courage to say goodbye. As my responses to his texts took longer and my texts got shorter, he knew something was up. He tried pumping Grace for information, but all she told him was to give me a few days.

  Friday night I was back to my old routine of sitting home alone mindlessly flipping through channels. It had been five days since I’d seen him and the time apart hadn’t done a damn thing except make me feel even more miserable. I could survive six more rounds of chemo better than hat I was going through now.

  I had decided to give up on finding anything on TV to distract me. As I opened my Kindle a loud banging rocked the door, causing me to jump out of my skin. Earlier today Grace mentioned that she and Clayton wanted to come over for a girl’s night to get my mind off of things. I told them no, but as usual, my friends didn’t listen. I shuffled to the door and opened it without checking who it was first. I froze in place, my chest tightening at the sight of an angry and distraught Luken.

  “We need to talk.”

  I gave a weak cough. “I’m still sick. I don’t want…”

  “I don’t give a fuck if I catch the fucking bubonic plague.” He pushed past me and into my condo.

  With his hands curled into fists and his jaw clenched, Luken paced in the middle of the room.

  I had to do this as quickly as possible. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

  “Do you want to sit down?” I asked, closing the door.

  He stopped pacing and pierced me with his intense gaze. “What I want is for you to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  I wasn’t ready. I needed more time.

  “Nothing, I told you I caught some type of bug.”

  “Bullshit! Things have been incredible, and then you just stop everything—seeing me, taking my calls, responding to my texts. At the very least, you owe me an explanation.”

  I needed something to grab onto, so I walked to the end of the sofa, standing only a few feet away from him.

  “I… um… need… uh… you to listen to me.” I stammered, digging my fingers into the cushion.

  No response. He just stared and waited.

  “Never in my life did I think I’d meet someone that would consume my heart like you have.” Tears were brewing behind my eyes. “The past six weeks have been like a dream.”

  “Then why are you ignoring me?”

  “We need to take a step back.”

  God, I’m such a chicken shit.

  “Where is this coming from?” His words were clipped.

  “You deserve the chance to have a full life, and I can’t give that to you.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “I can’t give you a family, Luken.”

  “I have a family.”

  “You know what I mean. I’m not able to have children.”

  “So what. I’ve never thought about having kids.”

  “Of course you haven’t because you’re twenty-five. But what about when you’re twenty-eight or thirty?”

  He took a step toward me. “Cadence, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

  I gripped the cushion tighter and tried to keep my voice steady. “Two years ago when I heard the doctor say the words breast cancer, the first and only thought that came into my head was that I was going to die. It didn’t matter that there were advances in treatment or that I personally knew women who had survived. I got lost during treatment. I didn’t look like myself. I didn’t feel like myself. I thought everything would go back to normal after it was all over. I waited a year, but it never happened. I’d get so pissed off at myself because surviving cancer was supposed to give you a new and brighter outlook on life. I tried. But the more I pretended, the more I realized that the chemo not only killed the cancer in my body, but it also killed my heart and soul too. I was just a shell. Then I met you. The electricity between us was such a jolt to my system, it was as if someone had plugged me back into the universe. We didn’t talk about cancer or chemo appointments. And the way you looked at me and touched me, made me feel beautiful and sexy.”

  “You are beautiful and sexy. Cadence, I love you.”

  “I love you too, and that’s why I have to let you go. If you have the Alzheimer’s gene and I pray to God that you don’t. But if you do, you need time to meet and fall in love with a girl your age. Someone you can build a life with and have children with. I want you to have as much time as possibl
e to love her and your children. Luken, you gave me back my life and now it’s my turn to give you yours.”

  “I’ll get tested.”

  I shook my head. “No, you made the decision that was best for you.”

  Tears filled his eyes. “If it meant you’d stay in my life, I’d do it.”

  “You can’t do it because of me.”

  “You know we belong together. That life you described is not my dream, Cadence. A life with you is my dream. Everything else comes in a distant second.”

  “You feel that way now, but once you stop hurting, you’ll be able to look at this with a clear head, and realize it’s for the best. Then you can move on.”

  “I’ll never move on from you because you’re it for me. Please don’t do this.”

  I knew if I didn’t end this at that moment, I’d cave. I was clutching the cushion so tight my hand was cramping.

  I held his gaze and said, “You need to leave.”

  Boring into me, his bright blue eyes turned dark before he stormed out. The slam of the door was like a bullet to my heart. I collapsed to the floor as my body convulsed into sobs.

  FOR THE NEXT two days I didn’t eat, sleep, or answer the phone. I barely got out of bed. The second Luken walked out of my life, I transformed back into a shell. I’d cried so much that my body, mind, and spirit were completely numb. I kept telling myself that letting him go was the best thing. No matter how much pain I was in, his happiness and having a fulfilled life was more important. But my mantra wasn’t working.

  Monday morning, as my finger hovered over my phone to call in sick to work, there was a pounding on my door. I dragged myself out of bed. Looking through the peephole, a pissed off Grace looked back. I was heading back to my bedroom when the sound of the lock clicking and the door opening stopped me. I’d forgotten she had a key.

  “Stop right there.” She ordered.

  I didn’t bother turning around.

  “Okay, I’ve given you your space. Now it’s time to get your ass in gear.”

  “Just leave me alone, Grace.”