More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  I nodded and picked up the phone, not recognizing the number. However, the area code seemed familiar and I realized it was from my home town. My stomach felt like it was going down a steep hill at lightning speed and flashes of those I loved still in Savannah raced through my mind. I hoped nothing was wrong.

  “Hello?” I answered, hesitantly, as I sat on one of the kitchen’s bar stools.

  “Is this Bryn Woods?” the voice, a thick southern accent, said through the earpiece.

  I swear if this is another sales call… “Listen, if you’re trying to sell me something, you’re wasting your time.”

  There was laughter on the other end. “No, Bryn, this is Lida Henderson …your father and Carter Denning’s friend.”

  It had been at least a few years since I had talked to Lida. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t tried to get into contact with me over the last four years; I just never had the guts to call her back. She knew too much.

  “Oh, of course! It has been so long since we’ve talked. I didn’t even recognize your voice. How are you?” I asked, realizing how odd and unexpected this phone call was. “Is everyone okay?" I added.

  “Yes, everything’s okay with us, but we need to talk about your father’s house,” she said, her tone calm and soothing as she brought up my father. I took in a deep breath now understanding what this phone call was about. I was shocked that our arrangement we had made four years ago had lasted this long.

  “Sweetie, we can't keep it up any longer. You need to sell it or find someone else you trust to take care of it for you.”

  Even though I knew it was unfair for me to argue, the words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. “But it's only been four years since…” I trailed off, not being able to finish my sentence, the word “only” not sounding right in the context of this conversation. Four years was a long time. Even so, the pain of my father's death still ran deep. It wasn’t as painful as it had been when it first happened and I had a feeling it would never really go away.

  Lida cleared her throat and sighed heavily over the phone.

  I suddenly felt bad, knowing I had asked a lot from her and her family over the last four years. I especially felt bad remembering how much time she had spent taking care of me before I moved to New York City. Lida, my dad's best friend, Carter, and his son, Ashton, who was two years younger than I was, moved in after the accident so I wouldn’t be alone.

  Looking back now, I knew I could’ve handled it on my own, but I was scared. I found out that my dad and Carter had an agreement that if anything ever happened, Carter would be there for me. Even though it was something he’d promised when they were younger, I don’t think either of them thought that day would ever come.

  “I know darlin’, but Lisa, my youngest, and her family are moving to Atlanta, so I’m going to go with her.” She sighed again. “I know it’s hard to hear but it’s time to move on.” Her words sent a shooting pain through me as I was met with my reality. Moving on was far long overdue.

  I was about to ask if Carter would be moving with her but I remembered the text messages from Ashton letting me know that his dad and Lida had ended things resulting in her moving out a few months back. She continued, “I'm sorry, Bryn, but I only have two weeks left here, and for the sake of your father’s memory, you should make up your mind about what you want to do before then.”

  “Okay,” I whispered into the phone. We exchanged a few more words, and I put the phone back on the hook after I heard the line go dead, signaling she had hung up.

  I looked around at my tiny apartment and started to cry as I felt the weight of the world shifting back onto my shoulders. I felt as though something had been holding me down, not letting me stand up ever since my dad had passed away and I had lived. As weird as it seemed even to me, it felt like I had never left the hospital that day and another version of me was living here in New York where this life, or whatever you would call it, was all a dream.

  Two

  ____________________

  After getting off the phone with Lida and with the idea of moving back to Savannah fresh in my mind, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I always had an urge, one that had surfaced the second I had landed in New York four years ago, to move back home. Yet I was so overwhelmed that I wasn’t ready to make a decision.

  Olivia had come out of her shower to find me sitting in the living room with a sunken look on my face. After she asked me what was wrong, I broke down and told her about the phone call. Promising to tell her why it had upset me so much, I used our walk to the subway station and the ride to the upper west side as an opportunity to fill her in about my dad.

  “So why don’t you go back, Bryn? We graduate in a couple of weeks. It would be, like, perfect timing,” Olivia suggested, swiping her subway pass behind me and moving through the metal gate.

  I shrugged as I led us through a large group of people in the subway station glancing at the arrival times, making sure we stood in front of the right train.

  “It’s complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, Olivia.” We took a seat on the subway car and I realized my hands were shaking. “There’s a lot that I probably should’ve told you a long time ago.” I put my head in my hands feeling stupid for keeping this from her this long. It felt like I had lied to her about a secret life. “I’m such a shitty friend.”

  Olivia put her arm around me. “You are not.” She rubbed my arm sympathetically. “But don’t you think you would feel better just telling me or someone you trust about whatever it is you’re holding inside?”

  And then it happened. The word vomit. I could feel it way before she ended her sentence and I knew there was no way to stop it.

  So during the time it took for us to get to our stop near the restaurant we were going to, I introduced Olivia to Tyler and Charlotte.

  “Well, shit,” she said as we walked up the stairs from the ground below, the brisk night air hitting us as we stepped outside. “Can I kick their asses for you? I mean, I probably can’t do much to Tyler, but I’m pretty sure I could take the girl.”

  I laughed, wiping at my slightly damp eyes. “No, sorry to burst your bubble but you can’t.”

  “Damn.” She paused. “You okay?”

  Shrugging, I pulled my jacket closer to my chest. “Listen, don’t make this a big deal tonight. If what happened comes out, it comes out.”

  “You got it, babe.”

  When we got to Lansky’s, I could feel the butterflies start in my stomach. I never told my other friends I made here much about my past, other than that I had come to New York for a fresh start. I had grown up to see in books and movies, New York as the “escape from your past” city. You could drop everything in your life and start fresh in New York. Four years ago, that was what I needed—an escape.

  Since this was going to be a big decision and I seemed to be in the mood of sharing my life story, I decided to get it over with and tell them.

  “Bryn, you’re quiet tonight,” one of our friends, Michelle, said as she handed me my usual: cappuccino with extra foam. She turned to the other three, “Pizza will be out in twenty minutes.”

  She sat down and everyone finished taking their jackets off, the air still a bit chilly outside even in April. “You okay?” Michelle continued looking at me with a concerned expression on her face.

  “She’s just bitter she didn’t ace her final paper on Woolf,” Olivia said, taking a sip from her Diet Coke, covering for me.

  When I had been accepted into New York University’s English program, I had to declare a concentration, which I knew instantly would be Virginia Woolf. The way she wrote never ceased to amaze me. It was as though she was in a never ending dream and wrote without having to think twice about her words.

  “No, but I definitely deserved better than a ninety-one percent on that paper. That’s not what’s on my mind.” I took a deep breath and looked over at Olivia who gave me a reassuring smile. “I don’t think I ever told you guys about my life back in Savannah
.”

  They shook their heads.

  “Just that it’s where you were born and raised,” Stephanie pointed out.

  I suddenly regretted not telling them the truth after these last few years. “There’s more.”

  “You didn’t kill anyone, did you?” Ray joked. “I mean, if you did we will do what we can to help, but if you go to jail, you’re totally on your own.”

  I glared at him. “No, I didn’t. But my father was killed.”

  They all took in the predictable deep breath. “What?” Stephanie asked, her eyes wide with concern.

  I took a deep breath and told them everything. Starting with the day Tyler Wilson broke my heart…

  ---

  It was the middle of August four years ago when my teenaged heart had been broken. On that particular morning I had woken up to a thunderstorm, the rain pounding on the window my lovely wake up call for the day. Stretching, I climbed out of bed to unplug my phone and check for messages. When I saw my usual text from Tyler, I smiled, climbing back in bed and opening it to only see the unfamiliar and panic inducing words that every girl fears: We need to talk.

  My mind raced to the last time I had seen him and our last words spoken. It had only been hours ago when he left my bed for his own. I could even still smell his scent on my pillow. Nothing had been out of the ordinary. Nothing, that I could remember anyways, had been said to set him or I off.

  I texted him back and held my breath as I waited for his response which was seconds later letting me know the time and place he wanted to meet.

  The rain had finally stopped and despite the now calm, yet threatening grey skies and rolling thunder in the distance, I rode my bike to Forsyth Park. With the unpredictable weather of Savannah, a grey sky could mean nothing; you never knew what you were going to get.

  When I arrived at the park, I found him sitting on one of the metal benches surrounding the walkways. As soon as he came into view, I could feel it. Something was wrong in the air between us. Something that I wasn’t yet aware of.

  “Hey,” I said, as he stood up to greet me.

  I stood on my tip toes to give him a kiss but when my lips touched his, all I felt was distance as they were in a tight line, his hug cold.

  “Want to take a walk with me?” he asked, looking off into the distance.

  Tyler didn’t wait for an answer as he reached for my hand. I walked beside him, hesitantly, as I was trying get through the panic that was building rapidly in my chest.

  We walked in silence, the thunder and the noise of our feet hitting the pavement the only sounds audible. Even the birds weren’t out for what felt like impending doom.

  My heart was racing with what was going through my mind. The possibilities of cheating or wanting someone else didn’t seem like Tyler but the thought of them still made my palms sweat.

  When Tyler and I reached the water fountain he guided us over to one of the benches next to the beautiful sight in front of us. “Let’s sit here.”

  I looked around us, thankful for the occasional wanderer; a welcomed distraction from what I knew was going to happen.

  “You’re starting to freak me out. What do you want to talk about that had to be made into a special trip?”

  “I’m leaving Savannah.”

  I swore in that moment my heart stopped as instant confusion set in. “What do you mean you’re leaving Savannah? School starts at the end of this month. You do know you have to actually show up for classes to technically be in college.”

  He rested his elbows on the tops of his knees. “Bryn, I’m not going to college here.”

  My thoughts scattered as I tried to remember what his other school choices in Georgia had been. When we had been applying for college he had made sure that wherever he went for school, he would be close to me. It was something that I loved about him but secretly hated, hoping that he would never hold his decision against me. His parents could afford any college that he or Charlotte chose. So when he told his parents he was going to the one closest to home, the one nearest me, they were shocked. They always had high hopes for their two kids and I knew they wished he would have picked a more prestigious school other than Savannah’s College of Art and Design.

  “Okay, but isn’t it too late to pick another school?”

  “No. You don’t understand what I’m saying. I’m not leaving for another school. We’re just leaving. Tonight.”

  I took a deep breath. “Why are you leaving so suddenly? I thought we were going to go to school here, be close to each other. And what do you mean we?”

  “Charlotte, me and my parents…”

  “And you’re leaving tonight? Why didn’t you tell me before now? Do you know how much of an ass you’re being right now? Who the hell do you think…?”

  “Bryn!” Tyler said cutting me off. His tone was louder than it had been seconds before. This time, his eyes met mine and that’s when I saw it. He had large purple circles underneath his eyes which were bloodshot, almost as though he hadn’t had any sleep for weeks and his skin color was off, something I was noticing now that I got a better look at him.

  “Oh my God, what’s wrong?” I asked, reaching out to touch his face gently. It was then that I realized my hands were shaking.

  He reached up to rub his eyes, blocking my hand from touching him. “I’m fine.”

  I searched his eyes desperately before he looked away again. “I have to go.”

  “Then I’ll go with you.”

  He continued to look at the ground until he finally looked up, his eyes slightly different—colder. “I don’t want you to come with me.”

  It took me a minute to register his words in my head before I understood what he was saying.

  “After years of loving each other. After finally knowing it was the right time to give ourselves to each other, you don’t want to be with me? Did I do something wrong?”

  “I just can’t,” he said, and I swore I caught a hint of heartbreak in his voice.

  I took advantage of the hint of doubt in his tone and tried to convince him. Or was I only trying to convince myself that there was something I could do or say to change his mind.

  “You can! I’ll drop out of college. I’ll take off a semester or a year if I have to. Lots of people our age do that. I’ll go with you, wherever you choose to be, I’ll go. I love you.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, standing up. He looked at me with sorry eyes and then turned to look at the fountain. “Take care of yourself, Bryn.”

  In a daze I watched him walk away down the path where we had come what seemed like seconds ago. The thunder roared behind me and I jumped, the sudden sound pulling me out of my bewilderment. My eyes scanned the distance in front of me, searching for a glimpse of him, anything. But I didn’t see him anymore. He was gone. And I was alone.

  My mind spun as I tried to figure out a way to get him back. I started to run after him as the rain started to pour down from the skies. Before I could go any further, an arm wrapped around my wrist and I turned around to see Ashton standing in front of me with an opened umbrella in his hands.

  “What are you doing here?” I breathed out, conscious of the tears that had been falling down my cheeks. Confused, hurt and sad I wiped at my eyes.

  “Tyler called me this morning and told me you might need help getting home. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

  I shook my head as my cheeks were hit with more wetness. I couldn’t tell if it was the rain or my tears but it didn’t matter.

  “He left me. Tyler fucking left,” I sobbed.

  “Come on, let’s get you home,” Ashton said after another clap of thunder hit the sky.

  Ashton drove me home and I was appreciative for the silence and space he was giving me, even in the cramped capacity of his pickup truck. When we got to my house I breathed out a sigh of relief when I saw my dad wasn’t home yet. I didn’t want to tell him what happened and relive the confusing experience over again.

  I ran up the stairs and
into my room to grab my cell phone, creating a new message to send to Charlotte. Surely she would offer a better explanation.

  But my phone received no messages the rest of the day besides Ashton asking me if I were okay. Feeling defeated, I lay down on my bed, my phone clutched in my hands, hope fading from my heart with every minute that passed without hearing from either of them. I couldn’t lose hope. If I stopped hoping, that meant that it was over between us.

  Our love, our current and future life and the meaning of us was over.

  ---

  The weeks after The Wilsons left were hell. I spent my days in my room trying to comprehend what happened. After I sent a few texts to both Charlotte and Tyler, I gave up. I wasn’t going to be hearing back from them. But that didn’t stop me from checking it from time to time.

  I only left the house for the things I couldn’t miss such as freshman orientation. You either had to have a death in the family or be in the hospital in order to be excused from attending. If only orientation had been the week after; I would have had both.

  However little my dad was spoken about, I could still feel the pain of the day I lost him as though it was happening all over again.

  I had, ironically, been dreading the day of the accident before it even happened. It was the first day of my freshman year in college. As much as I didn’t want to go, I knew my dad would make me. I went through a long list of fake illnesses in my head that I could suddenly come down with; stomach flu, strep throat, or an ear infection. Besides, what important things happen on the first day of classes? It was all about syllabi and introductions. But all of those illnesses required symptoms and there was no way that I was that desperate to stick my finger down my throat. It would not have mattered, anyway; my dad knew me too well and would see right through my shenanigans.

  Without my mom around for the majority of my life, my dad and I had the opportunity to grow close. He became both dad and mom to me. He was the provider of our little house yet he was also the caregiver. I had developed a different kind of respect that I didn’t see others my age carry for their parents.