More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  My mom, who I only knew about because my dad insisted on informing me of her while I was growing up, had left when I was about one year old. She moved to California after proclaiming that she wanted to live the dream. I guess, by the look on my dad’s face, anytime she was mentioned, he and I were not it.

  It made me sad but I didn’t know any other life.

  My dad worked every day at the local police station just for us to live a somewhat normal, comfortable life. I would always be thankful for everything he did for me, no matter what. Even if one of those things was making me go to school when I really didn’t want to. I had felt so alone these last couple of weeks after Tyler and Charlotte left. Nothing like being around hundreds of people you didn’t know to make you feel even more alone.

  “Shit!” I gasped, looking over at my clock and cursing myself for hitting the snooze button a little too excessively. I threw the blankets off of me and grabbed a new towel out of the linen closet before running into the shower. Letting the hot water encompass me, taking it in and savoring it, I found myself forgetting for a minute that I was running late. Scrubbing my hair and rinsing the soap out quickly, I ran back into my room scanning for any signs of clean clothes. Grabbing the first pair of skinny jeans and t-shirt I found, I threw them on along with some mascara—the only thing I had time for this morning.

  I grabbed my phone and checked my messages, hoping to finally have something from Charlotte or Tyler. Still nothing.

  I threw my phone onto my bed which caused it to bounce off the mattress hitting the hardwood floor harder than it probably should have. I headed downstairs, surprised that I had five minutes left to spare for breakfast. I found my dad sitting at the kitchen table, already in his work uniform with his usual cup of coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other. I watched as his eyes darted from the clock that hung over our stove back to me.

  “Bryn, when does your first class start? You’re going to be late,” he said with a questioning look as he took another sip from his coffee.

  “I know, I know,” I said, opening the refrigerator door and quickly finding there was nothing in there edible for breakfast. I turned to the pantry. “UGH! Where is the breakfast food in this house? I swear all we have are Cocoa Puffs and leftover cake from my birthday last month. Which, come to think about it, the cake should really be thrown away…”

  I rifled through a couple of cabinets, thankfully finding a box of Pop-Tarts shoved in the back.

  “I was planning on going grocery shopping as soon as I dropped you off at school, which, again, if you don't get moving, you’re going to be late for!” he exclaimed as he stood up to put his jacket on.

  “What do you mean drop me off? Dad, I think I’m fully capable of driving to my first day of college.”

  He walked over to the sink and put his coffee mug in it. “I went to put gas in your car this morning and on my way to the gas station I heard things that I shouldn’t be hearing. I dropped it off at the shop this morning. You should have it back by tonight.”

  “Oh, well, thanks. Don’t take it personally but I never thought you would have to drive me to my first day of school. Let alone college.”

  “No one will notice, Bryn. Besides, if anyone does they’ll probably think how nice of a dad you must have.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Right, okay. Well, let’s go.” I ran into the hallway and grabbed my book bag from the corner and bolted outside, along with my Pop-Tart, almost tripping before I even reached my dad’s pickup truck.

  I turned the radio dial to my favorite music station and cranked up the volume needing a more solid wakeup. My eyes were still struggling to stay open.

  “Just great!” my dad said.

  I looked over to him as he glanced behind him, merging in between cars. “We have to take the back roads. The main road is shut down. Sorry, kid.”

  “Am I going to be late?” I asked, looking at my watch. I still had a half an hour before classes started but for the first day in a new place it didn’t seem like enough time.

  “I’ll get you there, I promise.” He turned onto a back road and slammed on the gas pedal. “Don’t tell anyone.”

  “Your secret is safe with me.”

  “What?” he asked, leaning toward me to be able to hear what I said.

  “I said…” I started to explain.

  But I didn’t have enough time before I was interrupted by the loud shrill coming from the car that was headed right for us. My mind went blank as our cars collided, my last memory being my dad reaching over, shielding me from the piece of metal that flew through the windshield. Missing me completely.

  I never made it to school that day.

  My dad never went to the store.

  My dad saved my life.

  But no one could save his.

  ---

  I had been having the same reoccurring nightmare over and over again. One that I couldn’t seem to wake up from. There’s a long road in front of me and I’m the only one around. The air is hot, the concrete beneath my bare feet warm and bumpy.

  There’s nothing in front of me but clouds of fog. Having some compelling force move me forward, I continue up the hill unable to decipher where I am or where I’m going. Then, out of the corner of my eye, Tyler appears, his hand outreached toward mine. I go to take it but before I can reach him he turns around motioning for me to follow him. He gets to the top of the hill and pauses, allowing me to get to him this time. Taking my hand he smiles at me and wipes my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ears. But then his eyes lose focus and he looks behind me. His smile fades and a frown replaces it as his grip on my arm tightens, frightening me. I turn around to see what he’s looking at only to see a bright light and the sound of a car horn.

  My eyes shoot open and I’m relieved that I’ve finally been able to escape the dream. My sight was blurry as I scanned my surroundings not recognizing anything. The TV in front of me wasn’t from my room. And the large chair to my right was of a pattern I didn’t recognize. My door at home wasn’t to the left of me and I knew I didn’t have a curtain hanging from the ceiling.

  I shut my eyes tight once more hoping that I was in the process of coming out of my dream and I would finally wake up in my own room.

  After I counted to ten, I opened my eyes slowly only to be greeted by Tyler’s familiar face sitting in front of me.

  “Oh thank God!” I exclaimed. It worked; I was out of the never ending nightmare. He had never left me… I studied his features wanting to make sure that this image of him would replace the last one. The image of him leaving was one that I never wanted to see again. I wanted to reach out to him and touch him to make sure he was real. But my arms wouldn’t move. I looked down at them and saw that they were both in casts, elevated up in the air by two slings.

  Panic ran through my body as I looked at Tyler searching for answers.

  “Shh,” he said, soothingly. “You’re going to be okay.”

  “What happened to me?”

  Flashes of my dad raced through my mind. Sitting in the car next to me. Leaning over closer to me so that he could hear what I was saying. And then the sound of the car horn was loud in my ears and the feeling of his arm against my body overwhelmed me.

  I shut my eyes, tears stinging them as the realization crashed over me.

  When I opened them Tyler was gone. “No! No!” I screamed wanting to get up and look for him. I wanted out of here. I wanted my arms free. I wanted to see my dad.

  “Bryn, it’s okay. You’re having a bad dream.”

  I looked to my left to see a nurse walk in my room, a syringe in her hands.

  “I’m going to give you some medicine that will help you sleep more sound, sweetie. We don’t want you to have any more bad dreams but it’s great to see you awake! You had your friends all worried about ya.”

  “Wait!” I said. “Where’s Tyler?”

  She cocked her head to the side. “You mean Ashton? Or Carter?”

  “No, Tyl
er. He was just here.”

  The nurse looked at the door and then back at me. “There wasn’t anyone in here. You’ve been unconscious ever since the accident six days ago.” She walked over to check one of the monitors next to the bed. “Both of your arms are broken, along with your left leg. A couple of your ribs are bruised but luckily none were broken. Your father’s arm was in the way of the impact which saved you. You’re lucky to be alive.”

  “Where’s my dad?”

  Her eyes softened and she sat down on the bed besides me, her hand comfortingly resting on my leg. “I’m sorry, Bryn.” My lip quivered as I knew what she was telling me.

  My father was dead. And I was alive because of him.

  “Why don’t I call Carter for you, sweetie? He’ll want to know that you’re awake. You shouldn’t be alone. If you want I can stay with you until they get here?”

  I nodded because even though I didn’t know this woman I knew I couldn’t be alone now.

  ---

  Finally, after what seemed like a century, Carter and Ashton arrived. The two walked around the curtain, and the tears came pouring out of my eyes and my sobs caught in my throat.

  “B…” He exhaled, holding me to him gently. I cried into his shoulder but not from the pain.

  After he sat back, Carter came over to me and grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry, Bryn. We’ve been worried about you this past week. When I got the phone call all I could think about was you and how you were. Is the pain okay? Do you hurt anywhere?”

  I shook my head lying to him as I didn’t know how I could explain the pain I was feeling. It was a pain that was deep down; not somewhere I could point to.

  “Was my dad in any pain?”

  Carter shook his head. “Your dad was killed on impact. He didn’t suffer. Whoever the driver was must not have been used to the curves of the back road which he had to take because of the highway closure. He took a turn too fast and too wide, not able to control the truck before hitting you.”

  That was all that mattered…that my dad hadn’t suffered. But the guilt that ran through me was tremendous. How could I live on knowing that I was only here because my father protected me?

  When the doctor came in, he smiled sympathetically and introduced himself as he checked my vitals. “I’m Dr. Gardner. It’s good to finally see you awake. We’re here to make sure you’re comfortable. Are you having any pain right now? Don’t feel like you can’t speak up.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m not.”

  “Good, good. Well, everything looks as well as can be expected. You are going to have to go through physical therapy in the next couple of days and I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to be rough. But we have a fabulous team here that will do whatever they can to make you comfortable. Whether it is pain medicine or an extra pillow. You name it.”

  I just sat there staring at the wall in front of me, unable to comprehend his words. The doctor continued, “Has the social worker talked to you yet?”

  Carter nodded. “Yes. We spoke with one a couple of days after the accident. I haven’t been able to let Bryn know what was discussed yet.”

  “Well, if Bryn is okay for now, I’ll let you guys have your space and an opportunity to talk.”

  Dr. Gardner walked out, the nurse behind him, smiling before shutting the door behind her.

  “I know this is hard for you to talk about, Bryn. But we need to discuss what’s going to happen after you leave here.”

  “I just want to go home,” I responded, my body now numb. I wanted to get out of the hospital and get back home where I could slump into my own numbness and be in my own world. A world where loved ones weren’t taken away from you unfairly.

  “We’ll get you out of here as soon as we can. But to do that you have to do what the nurses and doctors tell you. I want you to know that Lida and I are going to do everything we can to make this easier for you. Your father left me in charge of you if anything happened to him. However, I never thought I would have to actually do this. He was never supposed to die this early.” He cleared his throat while my heart ached. “We tried to get into contact with your mom, and we still are, but we haven’t had any luck. We don’t want to force anything on you and we can’t since you’re over eighteen, but I don’t want you to have to live alone. Since it doesn't make any sense for you to move to our neck of Georgia for school, I think the easiest thing, if it's okay with you, is if Ashton, Lida and I move in here so you don’t have to leave your home.” He cleared his throat again. “Just let me know what you want to do, Bryn. Lida is on her way over, and we can all talk about it if you want, but I think this is what your father would have wanted and what will be easiest for you.”

  My bottom lip quivered. “I don’t want to be alone.”

  ---

  The next week was hell as I went through intense physical therapy for my arms and leg. The pain in my ribs subsided as they started to heal and the long pink and purple scrapes that had covered my arms were finally fading.

  Since they didn’t know when I would wake up, Carter had arranged a simple funeral for my dad, which took place the day before I woke up. Carter was planning to have a formal wake for my dad as soon as I woke up and was able to be home for it. Thankfully, the day that I was able to come home came sooner than I had hoped and a week after I woke up, I was finally out of the hospital.

  The day of the wake was gloomy and humid, the clouds threatening with a storm. I was helping Lida as much as I could put more cheese cubes on the tray when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Marie: Charlotte and Tyler’s mom.

  My eyes instantly welled up with tears as she set her purse down and came over to me. “Oh, sweetie,” she said, her arms open wide, welcoming me into a hug. “Am I hurting you?” she asked.

  I shook my head and took her invitation without hesitation and am surprised at how much better, even in the slightest of ways, I had felt after hugging the woman who had become my stand-in mom for as long as I could remember.

  “I’m so sorry we haven’t been able to be with you until now. Bryn, I can’t express how sorry I am you have to go through this. It’s just not fair.” She wiped my tears with her thumb. I looked around her, hoping that when she said “we,” she meant that Charlotte would be here.

  “Is Tyler or Charlotte here?” I asked, suddenly hopeful.

  Her face fell and my stomach sank. My own best friend couldn’t even be here. “No, honey. Why don’t we go somewhere where I can explain what I can?”

  Slowly, we walked upstairs to my room. Closing the door behind us to shut out the noise from downstairs, we sat on my bed.

  Marie took my hand and squeezed it gently. “I know this is such a cruel question to ask but how are you doing?”

  “I’m okay. As okay as I can be.”

  “That’s good darlin’ but I know what you mean.”

  She grabbed my hand and rubbed the top of it. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” She paused. “I know that’s what you’re wondering and both Charlotte and Tyler wanted you to know that. We’re now living in Florida, about a half an hour from Fort Lauderdale.”

  The words registered in my mind that Tyler had indeed been telling the truth.

  “When are they coming back?” I asked. “Do they know about my dad?”

  She nodded. “Eventually and, yes, they do.”

  Her answer hurt. Not just because it meant that Tyler and Charlotte hadn’t come back even after knowing about my dad. But because of the simplistic nature of her answer. Didn’t she know it wasn’t enough?

  “Why did Tyler leave last week at the hospital? Why didn’t he stay?”

  She cocked her head to the side and I instantly regretted asking. I didn’t want to know what made him leave.

  “Never mind. Can you just ask them to call me back or answer my messages?” I rubbed my eyes, frustrated that I was now practically begging Charlotte’s mom to have her son and daughter call me back.

  She squeezed my hand again. “Of course,
darlin’.”

  We walked back downstairs, and I was happy to see that some of the people had cleared out. Marie helped clean up before she left to get back to the airport. Though Marie had offered a small explanation, if you could even call it that, I was still perplexed as to how Charlotte, let alone Tyler, could leave me so easily.

  After everyone was gone and as I got ready for bed, my mind wandered to him. He had slept with me just weeks ago, and while I was sure it was different for guys, I still couldn’t understand why he hadn’t reached out.

  With all of the important people in my life seeming to leave me left and right, I knew I had to get out of here. The first step was accepting my admission into NYU for the spring semester which would start in January. There was nothing here for me anymore.

  ---

  I was entitled to everything since most of our family had died over the past couple of years; I was the beneficiary of my dad’s possessions and belongings. Not wanting to be around a lot of people yet, I didn’t go back to school right away, which my teachers understood completely. Most of the school work I was able to do at home.

  By December, I found myself slowly pulling out of my depression, and started seeing the world a little clearer. The prospect of starting over was the only thing that allowed me to hang on. Thankfully, NYU had been understanding and allowed me to start in the spring. I had found just weeks before my move, an affordable and very small apartment not too far from the college campus.

  It was two days before New Year’s when I left Savannah, my things having been packed for weeks ready to go. Everyone was surprised that I didn’t want to stay home for the New Year, knowing it had been my favorite time of year. But it wasn’t the holiday I liked as much as the people who were usually present with me. Lida had agreed that they would take care of the house until I was ready to come back home, and would be moving back to their old place on Tybee Island; checking on the house every weekend. After I picked out which items I wanted to keep, we sold some of the things in the house that would never be of any use to me. Before I knew it, I was looking at the sunrise off Tybee Island’s pier, enjoying it one last time.