More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  I buried my head into the crook of his neck, finding comfort in having him here with me.

  Even though I was no longer in the mood for hamburger phones and a whacked out girl named Juno, I found myself unable to hold back my laughter at my favorite scenes.

  My mind wandered back and forth with visions of Tyler when we were together and the ones I had of him now. As I dozed off to the movie and sounds of Ashton laughing, I tried to change the subject within my mind. Unsuccessful, I gave into sleep and Tyler’s piercing green eyes which were all I could see.

  ---

  For the rest of the week, I enjoyed my time getting reacquainted to my hometown. I welcomed this time to settle into my house and found myself developing a routine. I avoided places like grocery and movie stores in fear I would run into yet another person from my past.

  With all of the time I had on my hands, I couldn’t help but think what I would do the next time I saw Tyler; which I was sure would be sooner rather than later. I couldn’t help but want to know who he was now, what kind of person he had become. It was a feeling, and maybe I was naïve, but after all of the years of knowing and loving him, I almost felt like I couldn’t give up on him.

  Friday rolled around and thankfully Ashton had kept true to his word by not bringing up the party. He and I had planned another movie night, but this time his girlfriend would be joining us. This time I wouldn’t be going to the movie store but picking one out of my collection, knowing that there would have to be something in there that we could watch. I grabbed a handful of movies out of a box that I had yet to unpack and scanned through the pile.

  Knocked Up?

  No, no one should be subjected to a way too up close and personal view of a vagina like that.

  Ghost?

  Yeah right, too sad. No matter the message of the movie, I had always hated that they took away Sam from Molly.

  I scanned through the rest of the pile and picked up another one when my eyes fell on The Notebook. As corny as it was, the relationship between Ally and Noah seemed all too familiar to mine and Tyler’s. Charlotte had bought this movie for me the Christmas after it came out on DVD. I suddenly didn’t want to stay in anymore. I wanted to get out, face my demons and see where the night took me. A part of me wanted to allow myself to hurt in a way that might make me understand things better. Maybe now they would be able to explain to me about that day; why they suddenly moved.

  I pulled my cell out and dialed Ashton’s number, the words, “I knew you would change your mind,” coming out of his mouth as I explained.

  “One condition.”

  Even though it’s impossible, I could almost hear him rolling his eyes. “I won't leave you alone, I promise.”

  “How did you know that’s what I was going to ask?”

  “Because even though I haven’t seen you much in the last four years, I still feel as though I know you like the back of my hand.”

  It was probably true as much as I didn’t want to admit it.

  We agreed on a time to meet at my house, and I sprinted up to my room in desperation to find something halfway decent to wear tonight. Finally, I found and laid out a pair of black shorts, a dark blue tank top and finished the outfit with a pair of Converse. I had literally twenty minutes to get into the shower, dry my hair and put any makeup on I needed.

  Looking at myself in the mirror after putting my outfit on, I knew I was as ready as I would ever be. Maybe I shouldn't go tonight, I thought to myself. Just as I picked up my phone to call Ashton to tell him to forget about tonight, it vibrated in my hands. I opened my phone to the new text. “Bryn, you're going.”

  I heard the familiar sound of Ashton’s car honking and went to my bedroom window, looking down to see his old car parked in my driveway. Grabbing my phone, purse and keys, I was out the door and on my way to something I found myself already second guessing. “It's going to be a good night, Bryn, I swear. If you feel at all like you want to leave, we’ll go. No questions asked.”

  I smiled. “You’re a great friend…you know that?”

  “Why, yes I do,” he replied, smiling wide. The drive wasn’t long since the Wilson’s house was literally down the block, and as we pulled up along the curb, I looked up at the massive house to my right and sighed. He took my hand, and we walked through the grass to the front door as he opened it and walked in first, with me close behind him.

  “Bryn, Ashton!” I somehow heard someone call over the loud booming music. I looked up and saw Jason, with two shots in his hands, signaling for us to join him. “I wasn't sure if you guys were going to come out tonight or not,” he said as we reached him. “I’m glad you made it, Bryn. There are a lot of people who want to see you.”

  “Great,” I said, not sure how I felt about that

  “First, you have to meet Eva,” he said, jerking his head to a blonde standing a few feet from him talking to someone I didn’t recognize. She didn't seem to hear him as she didn't turn around. Her hair looked perfect as it fell delicately down her back, big curls at the ends. She had on a lacey, red, long-sleeved shirt that complimented her light hair and fair skin. I couldn't see her face, but I already knew she was beautiful. Jason looked at me and then at Ashton's hand that was still wrapped around mine. I took my hand out from his and put my hands in my back pocket. “So can I get you a 'welcome back home' shot?"

  I shook my head. “You sure don’t waste any time. You know how I am with alcohol.”

  “All the more reason to get you those shots, Bryn! Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” He walked away and whispered something into Eva’s ear, and she turned around and kissed him on the cheek. She looked over and smiled before walking over.

  “Hey, hey, hey, so we're doing shots already?” the blonde, Eva, said, her southern accent thick as she stood next to us. “I want in!” She downed whatever drink that had been in her hands.

  “Hey, Ash,” she said, giving him a friendly hug. “Who is this?” she turned her attention toward me. Ashton explained my story again, and I was thankful that I had someone who could take care of all the repetitive crap for me.

  “Well it's nice to meet you, Bryn. Jay, Tyler and Char have told me a lot about you. The six of us usually all hang out. Ashton and Jason work together so that's how we know him; took him under our wings about two years ago. Actually, Ashton is the reason Jason and I are engaged!”

  My eyes widened, somehow missing that bit of information. “Oh wow! You and Jason are engaged?” Jason returned with his hands full of shot glasses filled to the brim and started passing them out. “I can’t believe you’re getting married and didn’t tell me!” I said as he handed me my shot.

  “Bryn, I’m just glad you’re home. I didn’t want tonight to become the Jason show.” He finished passing out the shot glasses as I tried to erase the shock I was sure was evident on my face.

  “Welcome home, Bryn!” Jason said, signaling to us to take our shots. I closed my eyes tightly as I felt the liquid burn its way down my throat and into my stomach. When I opened my eyes, my heart stopped as I saw Charlotte standing at the other end of the room. She looked the same but different with her hair longer and lighter than it had been the last time I had seen her. Tears filled my eyes as I felt the urge to run over and hug her tight after so many years apart, but I wouldn’t let myself be that desperate.

  “She’s been dying to see you,” Jason said quietly into my ear. I handed him my glass and straightened my shirt which had ridden up from taking the shot. Charlotte and I walked toward each other as chills ran through me. It had been so long.

  “Can we talk?” she asked, her voice small. I had been worried she would try and act like nothing had happened between us when she saw me but was glad that she wanted to talk. We walked up the long winding staircase and to her room.

  “Wow, it’s really changed in here,” I said as I looked around, hardly recognizing the room.

  She shut the door behind us. “Yeah, when we moved back home a couple of years ago, I decided
I needed a change. The hot pink and bright orange hurt my eyes,” she said, her tone lighthearted.

  “Your accent is almost gone,” I noted out loud.

  She shook her head. “No, but being away from here for so long helped me learn to control it,” she said, her accent back in full force. “I can only kind of hear yours.”

  “It comes back sometimes, usually when I’m upset,” I said, my voice cold and flat.

  She looked away, and I followed her gaze which was on the same picture of us that I had shoved in my desk. A part of me was angry that she had kept it out after everything she had done.

  “I missed you, Bryn. I’m so sorry.”

  That definitely made me mad. “That’s not my fault and you know it.”

  “As much as I hate to say this and how much it sucks, there wasn’t much I could do.”

  “Charlotte, you know that’s a bunch of bullshit. Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, could be so bad that on the day your best friend’s dad dies, you can’t spare two seconds to type out a text message expressing your condolences. Let alone giving her a heads up that you were moving two weeks before!” I paused for a moment, the anger and hurt coming back to me full force, and I knew I needed to get it out. “Do you know how it felt for me to have just lost my dad and have almost no one to turn to? I had no one with me at the hospital until Ashton and his dad showed up. And the days after I came home to only grasp and come to accept that my dad was never going to be coming home again were the hardest days of my life. And I had to go through them, alone.”

  She wiped at her tears as she never took her eyes off of mine, listening intently. “I don’t think the apologies that you deserve will be worth much by now. I was awful, an awful friend, an awful person.” She shook her head. “I was so absorbed in what was going on that day. I didn’t find out about your dad until later that night. And in the mess of everything that was happening to me in Florida with my family, I couldn’t find it in me to reach out to you like I should have.” It suddenly occurred to me that there was something else that happened that day that I didn’t know about. There was more to the story than I knew.

  “Can you tell me what happened that day you left then? What really happened?” I pressed, knowing that I deserved an explanation. She looked at me with wide, wet eyes when my phone started to ring in my back pocket, breaking the moment between us.

  “I don’t want to be mad at you for the rest of my life. But you have to give me something if we are ever going to mend our relationship. Even after everything, I love you too much to throw it all away. Tonight is not a good night to do this. I’m exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically and tonight was supposed to be relaxing, crazy and fun. So why don’t we save this for another day and just enjoy ourselves,” I said, unsure of where all of the positivity was coming from.

  She nodded and wiped her nose with a tissue. “I really did miss you, B.”

  I grabbed my phone out of my back pocket. “Yeah, I missed you too.”

  Five: Tyler

  ____________________

  I rubbed my eyes furiously to try and chase the sleep away that was starting to creep up on me. I needed to get home to the party before Charlotte personally found and killed me. Part of me didn't care what time it was or if Charlotte would be mad. I had just gotten out of work, and I got to see my favorite band, The Black Kings, play tonight at the House of Music here outside of Savannah. I was on cloud fucking nine. Working at the House of Music had its good points, its bad points and its really shitty low points. The hours, for one, sucked. Going to school full time and then working six, sometimes even eight, hours every other night wore me down. Most nights I wouldn't get out until 1 a.m. But this was one of the very, very good parts.

  The Black Kings had been my favorite band for at least two years now. Their lyrics were almost as badass as their band members were.

  My job was to do whatever they needed me to do. Whether it was handing them their instruments or taping down the set lists. At the end of their set, and after I was officially off the clock, we hung out backstage in their dressing room rehearsing a couple of songs together. One of them being a song I had been writing for years. About a brown haired girl I couldn’t forget. She was in every song I wrote.

  The band had grabbed my number, asking to get together for a guitar session the next time they were in town. I'd say it was a successful night at work. However awesome my night was, I still couldn’t get Bryn off my mind. Every time I had a moment to myself at work, I kept thinking about running into her at the video store. But it wasn’t only because of running into her that I couldn’t get her off my mind.

  Digging my hand into the pocket of my jeans, I fished out my phone. Scrolling through my missed texts, mostly from Charlotte or Jason, I started my car, at this point just wanting to get home more than anything. Popping in the CD the band had given me minutes before, I let their lyrics surround me and their beats fill me up. Just after setting my phone down, I jumped at the sudden vibration on my leg.

  “Figures,” I said aloud to myself. “Hello?”

  “Where the fuck are you?” Jason.

  “I told you I had to work. Man, you won't believe who I worked with tonight. The Black Kings!"

  “Yeah that's awesome and all, but I’m here at the house with a shit ton of people. Most of them wanting to see you.”

  I heard him yell something in the background before speaking again into the phone, “Dude, she’s here.”

  Bryn…

  “Okay well tell them I’ll be there soon. I’m pulling out of the venue now. Don’t let her leave,” I said as I pressed a little harder on the gas pedal.

  Seeing Bryn last week brought back so many feelings and memories that had been haunting me since I left town four years ago. Everything in my life had turned completely upside down since. I drove through the ancient streets of Savannah, passing Jefferson Square and finally turning down my street which was lined with cars.

  The smell of the bonfire filled my nose as I stepped out of the car. When we moved back home after everything, our parents had told us if we completed our college careers, they would sell the house to us for a reasonable price while paying for our education. After Eva and Jason had gotten engaged, they had moved in with us. And while you would think having one girl live here with two guys would be a good thing, try having two of them. The house always looked good.

  As I walked through the house, I waved back at all of the people there, promising them I would be back after I changed. After taking a quick shower and changing into different clothes, I scanned the crowd looking for Jay or Charlotte. Finally, I saw Jay standing with his arm around Eva at the end of the living room. Trying to get through all of the dancing bodies in the room, I finally reached them. I slapped Jason's back as he was taking a shot and he turned to me. "Hey, guys!" I said.

  “Well it’s about time! We were just about to send a search party out for you.”

  He handed me a beer. “She’s still here,” he said quietly, answering my unspoken question. “Charlotte just went upstairs with her.”

  “Are you serious? Char really couldn’t have waited for a different night to talk to her about everything?”

  “You don’t know what they’re talking about. They could be talking about girl shit for all we know,” Jay said.

  “I’m assuming Ashton is here too?”

  Ashton was cool and all but I always thought maybe he liked her more than what she thought. But if it brought Bryn here, anything was okay with me.

  “There’s Charlotte,” Eva said as she walked away from us and over to my obviously crying sister.

  “Damn it,” I said, setting down my drink and walking over to her.

  “I know you didn’t think I should say anything today, so save your speech,” Charlotte said to me as I approached her.

  “You okay?”

  She shrugged. “Yeah, just still feel so awful. That whole year was messed up.”

  “Is she still up t
here?”

  Charlotte nodded. “Yeah…” She looked around the room, “…I need a drink and my boyfriend. Is Miles here yet?” she asked taking her phone from her pocket to check for messages.

  Letting the others take care of my sister, I decided to head upstairs to check on Bryn. Stopping outside of Charlotte’s room, I peeked through the crack of the door. Bryn was standing in front of Charlotte’s window, her back to me. The light from outside was illuminating the room in a way that made Bryn look like a silhouette. Not wanting to startle her, I tapped my knuckle against the white door.

  She turned around, her eyes locked with mine. “Hey.”

  I smiled, wanting for this time with her to go smoother than the other day had. “Sorry Charlotte cornered you. I was hoping she would wait to talk to you. But you know how she is.”

  “She’s always been passionate and eager to fix things when she can.”

  She looked sad as she stood there in front of me, the light of the moon lighting up her face.

  “Are you completely overwhelmed yet from being back here?” I asked, all of a sudden unsure of what to say to her.

  She looked at me; her eyes mad, her eyebrows close together. “What are you doing, Tyler?” she asked, crossing her arms across her chest, which was her way to show that her wall was up.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You come in here and act like nothing is wrong, as though nothing happened between us. When everything happened to us. You promised me so many things, and then you threw them all away. You left me with it all dumped on my shoulders for me to pick up and figure out on my own. You can’t just ask me how everything is when the answer to you should be so simple! Of course I’m overwhelmed. For the first time in four years, I’m seeing the guy who I had given all of myself to. The same guy who left without any real explanation. The guy who broke my fucking heart like it was nothing to him at all. The guy who, when my dad died, didn’t have the decency to reach out. No phone calls, no texts, nothing!”

  Bryn continued, “I have hated you with every part of me for the last four years. I hated that you had me believing that there was more to you and I than a casual relationship. I hated you for leaving me. But what made me hate you the most was how I hated myself for hating you.” She wiped her eyes. “I shouldn’t have come here tonight. I’m sorry.”