More Than You Know

by Alexandria Rhodes

  The doctors left and Oliver gave Tyler a hug telling him goodnight. He would be sleeping in the on-call room with Marie tonight. Oliver squeezed my arm sympathetically and walked out.

  Tyler looked at me, his eyes searching for answers to unspoken questions.

  “You lied to me. I don’t know what’s worse, you leaving me unexpectedly or lying to me?”

  “Yes, and I’m so sorry, Bryn.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that easy.”

  “Bryn, yes, I lied to you. There was no new college. There was no other choice I had to make in my life. My choice had always been you. I said goodbye because of us. I said goodbye to save myself so that we could be in this position. A position where I’m here, alive, in front of you, telling you how much I love you. How much I need you. How much I believed in us that I gave up everything important to me four years ago so that you and I could have a chance. Does that make me selfish? Yes. But if being selfish means being able to love you and to be with you for the rest of my life, then I want to be the most selfish man on Earth. Because I want all of you. For forever and a day. Times infinity, plus two.

  “I’m so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. For the hole that’s been left in your heart ever since I left you. But if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of our lives fixing it.”

  I closed the distance between us and walked over to the bed to sit down, placing my hands on either side of his face, kissing him gently. “For forever and a day.”

  He breathed out and closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against mine. “I thought you were going to run.”

  “I thought about it. When you told me about your heart transplant, I couldn’t help thinking about my dad. I knew that I couldn't bear to lose someone again let alone someone who I was in love with."

  He looked down and back up to me. "I know it’s a shock to you, Bryn, and I hope that someday you can understand why I didn't tell you back then. I’m so sorry about that.”

  I ran my hand through his hair, pushing a few strands from his face. “I can’t lose you again.”

  “You won’t. I promise I’ll never hurt you like that again.”

  He looked at me and we stared at each other for a while until he pulled my arm toward him.

  “I just wish you would have told me. I could’ve been there for you. Done something. After my dad died it felt like I didn’t have anyone.”

  I scooted over and lay down alongside of him, my head in the crook of his neck. He pulled me closer, wrapping his arms around me tightly.

  “Bryn, I didn’t know if I was going to live or not. I couldn’t imagine putting you through that pain and agony. The pain of leaving with the chance, in my mind, of coming back to you seemed like the better choice at the time. I was lucky to get a transplant and that someone out there was the perfect match for me.”

  I nuzzled closer into him, the scent and heat of his body a comfort. “Any way without you is a pain I don’t want to feel again.”

  “You won’t, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I fell asleep listening to the steady beat of his heart, thankful that he was still here with me.

  ---

  A few hours after tests had been run on Tyler the next morning, Oliver came in to announce that Tyler's results had come back in fine and that he would be able to go home that night.

  “Thank God. This seriously sucked. I feel awful for putting Jason and Eva through all that,” Tyler said, positioning himself on the bed. I walked over to him and took his hand.

  “Nah, don't worry about it. I think everyone is just happy you're okay,” I reassured him.

  I helped as they brought Tyler home that night. Miles and Oliver helped Tyler upstairs to his room. Marie and Oliver thought it would be best to let Tyler rest for awhile, so I stayed downstairs with his family, mostly talking with Charlotte and looking at pictures she had taken at the wedding.

  My phone buzzed with a message from Tyler letting me know it was more than okay to come up. I made my way to his room and was surprised to see Tyler standing near his book shelf, picking something out to read. I walked over to him and slipped my hand through his. “I think I’m going to get going, I haven't gotten much sleep and I have to get ready for work tomorrow.”

  “Oh, all right, I didn't know it was so late,” he said, looking at the clock. “Can't you stay here?”

  My heart tightened at the thought but I knew I had to deny. “I can't, babe. I'm sorry.”

  He rubbed his eyes. “Okay.”

  What was wrong with me?

  “Well I’m going to go. I'll be here right after work tomorrow. Promise!”

  He cocked his head at me. “Everything okay, Bryn?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I'm fine; I just have a lot to do before work tomorrow. We’re having some new breakfast special and I have to be up at six.” I walked over to him and kissed him on his head before leaving

  I wanted to kiss him so badly, have him hold me tight, but I was so nervous what that would do to him. I know that when he kisses me, my heart beats extremely fast. Fast and loud enough that you can almost hear it beating if you listen for it. If his heart did anything like mine, I didn’t want to risk it.

  The next few days I felt I had to be extra careful around Tyler, and that week after he came home from the hospital, I was basically walking on egg shells.

  “Babe, I'm going to get going, I have to help Britt from work with something tonight,” I said, putting my things together that had somehow ended up all over his room. Britt was taking a couple of classes over the summer and she had a huge paper due next week and she asked me for help after she found out I had a degree in English.

  I kissed him on the cheek and started to walk away when he grabbed my wrist slightly. “I want a real kiss.”

  Pulling away gently, I said, “I already did. I'll text you tomorrow morning.”

  Damn that sounded so cold. He looked at me and cocked his head. “Bryn, is everything okay?”

  Shit, Bryn, don't give it away. “Of course it is.”

  He nodded. “Hmm, well if everything is okay then why won't you kiss me goodbye? You’re basically running out the door. Last time I checked we liked kissing and we were pretty fucking good at it,” he said with a small laugh at the end.

  “I don't want to hurt your heart,” I said, looking at my feet, feeling almost embarrassed for saying that, but there was no other way to express my worries.

  He laughed. “Bryn, you giving me a kiss goodbye isn't going to do anything to me.”

  I shook my head. “Tyler, you know how I feel about you, but I just don't want to risk it.”

  He let out a sigh and his smile turned into a frown. “This has been going on for almost a week. Is this really how this relationship is going to be from now on?”

  I shrugged and looked away from him. “I don't know? How long did the doctor give you until you could go back to normal activity?”

  “Damnit, this is ridiculous. I'm not going to die from a fucking kiss!”

  I cringed at his choice of words. “Your life isn't worth a kiss.” I was getting frustrated now. I was so confused by everything. I didn’t know my boundaries.

  “You know what, Bryn, why don't I just make this easier for you. How about you don't have to worry about me anymore? How about we just forget everything we have been through, and you move on so you don't have to worry about your fragile, weak boyfriend.”

  The words stung, and tears formed in my eyes. “You know I don't want that, and that's not fair. I’m only looking out for you. Don't you dare fucking make me look like the bad guy here.” I turned around and walked out.

  “Bryn, wait!” I heard as I hit the stairs. I didn't even get to the front door before something switched inside of me. I stopped in my tracks, turned around and ran back to his room. Not slowing down, I ran to his bed and fell into his arms.

  “I don't want to fight with you Tyler and I don't want to be without you,” I said, burying my face into his shirt. />
  He held me tighter. “I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it.” He kissed the top of my head. “Can we just start over? This has been a fucking mess.”

  I smiled and wiped my tears quickly on the back of my hand. “Yeah, I think we should.”

  “Hello, I'm Tyler Wilson. I was given a new heart a few years ago and I’m crazy for a beautiful girl with big hazel eyes and one hell of a beautiful soul,” he said, sticking his hand out.

  I laughed and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “I'm Bryn Woods. I have it pretty bad for this one guy…but don't tell my boyfriend.”

  “Oh, really?” he said as his hand rested behind my head and pulled me into a kiss.

  He pulled away and picked my hand up, placing it over his heart. “See, it's more than fine.”

  Twelve

  ____________________

  Today was my birthday and it was a much needed break from everything heavy that had been going on between Tyler and me. It had been three weeks since his hospital stay and things had gotten much better. He seemed to be feeling better day by day.

  Since the hospital, I had researched the hell out of his condition. I learned from plenty of journals and case studies that what Tyler had was completely manageable. As long as he took his medicine when he was supposed to, he could and would live a normal, long life.

  I woke up that morning just how I think every girl wants to: sexy boyfriend next to me, his arm draped over my stomach with his shirt off. I’m in no way a shallow person but it doesn’t hurt that the guy I’m falling in love with looks this good. And I mean good. As carefully as I could, I lifted my arm to pull my hair out of the ponytail. The hair tie hurt my head where it had caused an indentation.

  “Happy birthday, babe.”

  I looked over and Tyler was lying on his stomach, his eyes starting to open, a smile on his face. Leaning down, I kissed him lightly on the lips, and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. “We have disgusting morning breath,” he said as I was lying on him.

  “At least I’m not the only one.”

  “You excited about today?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, what time are they going to meet us at the beach?”

  “Eleven,” he said now lying on his back.

  Grinning, I said, “So that means we have two hours? And I am the birthday girl. Does this mean anything in my favor?” I asked, straddling his hips and kissing along his jaw line.

  He groaned and twisted us over so now he was on top of me, his legs alongside mine. “It does. It means you get pampered. And I’m the lucky one who gets to do it.”

  ---

  I grabbed the large beach bag from Tyler’s car along with the pile of towels and started to walk to the beach. We had decided to cook out on the beach and luckily Tyler had a portable grill in his garage to use for hamburgers.

  When we reached our spot, I had to force myself to not focus on Tyler’s lean body and chiseled muscles as he took his shirt off.

  I decided it was best to divert my attention to set up the blankets when I heard Charlotte say, “Hey birthday girl!”

  I turned around and was engulfed in a tight hug by Jason. “Jeez, Jay.” I laughed as he released me. “Thanks guys.”

  Olivia was the last to arrive, and I was reminded how much I missed our relationship. I wanted us to get back to where our friendship used to be.

  “Bryn! Why have I not seen you in what feels like forever?” she asked as I hugged her.

  “I know,” I said, pulling away and pouting. “Things have been crazy! Have you talked to your parents yet? They calm down?”

  Olivia’s parents were pretty mad, especially her mom, about not telling them she had moved back. She wanted to wait it out before telling them she would be moving in with me.

  “Actually, as soon as you’re ready for the epicness of Bryn and Olivia to happen again, I’m ready to pack up and move in!”

  “That’s fantastic! How about we get together and figure things out? Hope you didn’t unpack much since you’ve moved home.”

  She shook her head. “Nope, just the necessities.”

  “Okay, so who wants hamburgers and who wants hot dogs?” Tyler asked.

  Olivia went over to talk to Charlotte, and I grabbed the packages of meat to be grilled from the beach bag. After all our lunches were cooked, we sat down on our blankets and ate, joking about the various people who walked around on the beach.

  “She shouldn’t be wearing those shorts with that top,” Charlotte said as an older woman walked by with insanely short shorts and a tube top. “What she needs is a bigger shirt and baggy shorts.

  “That’s awful!” I said wiping my mouth with my napkin. “Be nice.”

  Charlotte laughed. “It’s kind of funny. And seriously Bryn, are you saying that when you’re 55 or 60, you might be wearing that too?”

  I laughed. “No, but if I ever do, I hope you’ll be a good enough friend to stop me from leaving the house.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, I’ll let you know!”

  “Okay, birthday girl, let’s go swimming,” Jason said, standing up and discarding his shirt again.

  I shook my head. “Nah, I’m just going to stay here, nice and dry.” I grabbed the suntan lotion, trying to look busy.

  The guys looked at each other, as I stood up and started running away from them, knowing exactly what they were going to do. I didn’t even have a chance as all three of them caught me and carried me to the water.

  “Don’t hurt her!” Olivia yelled.

  They carried me to the water as I screamed and laughed, hoping they would let me off the hook and let me go back to my towel. But no such luck as they walked out far, the water up to their waists, and threw me into the ocean.

  “You guys are assholes!” I said coming out of the water laughing, brushing my hair away from my face and wiping the salt water from my eyes.

  “You loved it, don’t lie!” Jason said, rubbing his head. Guys always had it so easy. They never had to do much to dry their hair, and with Jason’s short hair he only needed to shake it a few times.

  I fixed my bikini bottom and adjusted my tankini, happy that nothing had malfunctioned. Tyler came over and wrapped his arms around me, the waves crashing around us. He tightened his grip as each wave hit so that we wouldn’t fall over.

  “What else do you want for your birthday?”

  I smiled. “Honestly?”

  “Always.”

  I looked back over at the group. “This. It’s everything I could’ve wanted.”

  “So, you don’t want your gift that I have back at the house?” he asked as his eyebrows rose.

  “Hey, I didn’t say that.”

  “When we get back, I’ll give it to you.”

  We walked back over to the group and spent the rest of the day lying out, swimming and taking pictures of each other until the sun started to set.

  Miles had a photography obsession and had brought his camera with him, using it every chance he had. Charlotte had once shown me a few pictures of the art Miles had made and I was surprised by his talent.

  Eva and Jason left to go home while the rest stuck around as we all made our way to the pier to watch the sunset.

  “I wonder how many people have jumped into the water off of here,” Olivia asked, looking over the edge of the pier.

  I shrugged. “Probably a lot. We almost did that one time,” I said, looking at Charlotte.

  She smiled and I knew she remembered that day.

  “We wouldn’t have gone through with it, though,” I said, trying to convince myself, knowing my fifteen-year-old self would have if my dad hadn’t been the police chief and would have killed me if he found out. We all leaned against the wood of the pier and watched as the sun started to descend further. “It’s gorgeous here,” I said looking out onto the water. The lights were always breathtaking from the sun’s rays. I wrapped my arms around Tyler’s waist. “I love this.”

  “Hey you two, let me take a p
icture, the colors are perfect right here,” Miles said with his arm around Charlotte. “Tyler, stand behind Bryn and wrap your arms around her.”

  We got into position and he wrapped his arms around me, my hands resting on his.

  “Bryn?” he whispered into my ear.

  “Okay, you guys, look at me,” Miles said, adjusting something on his camera.

  “Yeah?” I asked.

  I heard the sound of a couple photos being taken; the clicking of the shutters opening and closing.

  Tyler kissed my ear and I giggled.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “All right, we are going to head out. Happy birthday, Bryn,” Miles said, oblivious to what Tyler had just said to me.

  Shocked and still wanting to respond to Tyler, I hugged Miles and Charlotte, thanking them for the day.

  Once they were all gone, I turned around to face Tyler, whose face was serious.

  “I’ve wanted to tell you that for a couple of days. But I wasn’t sure if it was too soon and I didn’t want to freak you out—”

  “Tyler?” I asked, cutting him off.

  “What?” he said, nervously.

  I cupped his head with my hands. “I love you too.”

  “You don’t have to say that just because I did.”

  “Oh my God, you sound like a girl.” Thankfully he laughed.

  I kissed him again then turned around with my elbows leaning on the edge of the pier. He stood next to me catching glimpses of the water and then looking back at me. It was like our eyes were playing tag with each other, not trying to catch the other looking but trying to do it before getting caught.

  “Ty?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Take me home? I still have a couple of hours to go for my birthday, and I want to spend them with you.”

  He grabbed my hand. “You just want your present.”

  I pulled him close and bit his earlobe. “I want a little more than my birthday present.”

  When got back to my house, I was surprised to see an unfamiliar car parked alongside the road.

  “That’s not Ashton’s car.”

  “Stay here,” he said, getting out of the car and locking it behind him with me still inside.