Freedom

by Beth Maria

  I smile at my best friend. “You look beautiful.”

  “Thank you. So do you,” she replies, sitting down on my bed. I don’t feel beautiful, though, but I don’t tell her this.

  “Thank you. Has Jesse seen your dress yet?” I ask, making my way over to my desk chair and sitting down.

  “No, it’s a surprise. Do you think he will like it?” she asks me, her self-conscious side shining through.

  I laugh just imagining how Jesse will act. “He will more than like it. He won’t be able to keep his hands off of you tonight. I’ll be surprised if you two last staying at the party for longer than two hours. I’m sure as soon as he see’s you he will want to take you back to his house and ravage you.” This causes her to crack up laughing. We both know what Jesse is like. He can’t seem to keep his hands off of her for more than thirty seconds.

  “I hope so. He really does know how to ravage me.” She blushes. I can only imagine all the dirty thoughts that she’s having right now.

  “Oh please. I can tell by the look on your flushed face right now that you’re imagining it, and I’m going to have to ask you to stop. You’re making your best friend feel sick over here,” I say, pretending to gag.

  “Oh, since when did you become such a prude? It’s not like you don’t have sex,” she jokes, pointing at me.

  “I don’t have sex,” I tell her seriously. And I mean it. I don’t have sex. I can’t remember the last time I did.

  Her eyebrows rise up as high as I’m sure they can go. “Are you and Evan not having sex?”

  I shake my head no. “No, we’re not, though it’s not through his lack of trying. I just don’t feel any emotional attachment when we have sex, so I’ve been dodging it if I can. I don’t feel like it’s fair to him. If he asks why I never want to have sex with him anymore, I just tell him that I’m too tired or not in the mood.” I shrug. I know that excuse will only work for so long, so I need to figure out what to do, and fast.

  “Chloe, I know I tell you this all the time, and I don’t want you to think I’m nagging you, but you seriously need to end things with him, for both of your sakes. He’s obviously not making you happy, and if you drag this on with him and he finds out, then he will be more heart broken than if you end things now. You need to stop prolonging the inevitable.”

  I look down at the floor letting her words sink in. “You’re right. This isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t give him what he needs. He will never have the whole of me, and if this is going to work, he needs all of me. But that is impossible,” I tell her, feeling more depressed by the second. I know what she’s going to say next. I’m just not ready for her to say it.

  “Because he’s not Jake…” she says quietly, leaving her sentence hanging.

  I just nod my head, looking down at the floor. She knows how I feel about her brother, just not what has gone on between us. I will tell her eventually. I’m just not ready right now, and I don’t know when I will be. I’m just glad that she’s stopped pestering me for answers, choosing to be there for me instead.

  *Knock, Knock*

  “That will be Jesse,” Maisie chirps, jumping up from my bed and rushing to the door.

  As soon as she opens it, Jesse sweeps her up into his arms and kisses her like no tomorrow. It’s cute to see. It’s obvious how much he loves her, especially when he looks at her. He acts like she is the only woman that he sees. She deserves someone like Jesse after everything she has been through. I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t make me a teeny bit jealous - well, okay a lot, but I guess my time will come when it’s meant to, as soon as I’m able to forget about the jerk who has stolen my damn heart and won’t give it back.

  “Hey, Chloe,” Jesse says, smiling at me as he puts Maisie down. She doesn’t look too happy at the loss of contact. I bet if she could, she would get herself attached to his stomach like a baby koala or something. I try not to laugh out loud at that image. I’m sure she wouldn’t be impressed.

  “Hey, stud,” I joke, winking at him. He just laughs at me, used to my crazy ways.

  “So are you ladies ready to go party all night?”

  “No.”

  “Yes,” we say at the same time. I just sigh while she laughs.

  “Fine! Let the torture begin,” I tell them, putting on my black ankle boots and grabbing my black clutch bag and leather jacket.

  ****

  As soon as we arrive at Jake’s house, I leave Maisie and Jesse to talk to their friends and head into the kitchen to get myself a drink. I’m going to need a straight one to help me get through the night.

  Pouring straight vodka, I down it in one, before pouring myself another. I savor the burn as it makes its way down my throat. It makes me realize that I’m still human, even if I don’t feel it half the time.

  Five straight vodkas later, and I’m feeling a bit merrier, but not enough to enjoy the party. Arms snake around my waist, making me jump. “Hey, when did you get here?” Evan shouts to be heard over the music.

  I turn around in his arms so he can speak to my face instead of the back of my head, and it also causes him to drop his arms. “Oh, not long ago,” I say, giving him a smile. He really is beautiful; I just wish he made me happy. He will make some girl very lucky one day, but that person just isn’t me.

  He gives me a smile. His eyes aren’t focused, meaning he’s already drunk. Great. “Want to come dance?”

  “No, not right now. Maybe later though?” I ask, hoping he doesn’t push it. I’m not in the mood for dancing yet, or if at all tonight. I came for the liquor and the liquor only - oh, and because I was forced to come against my own will, sort of.

  “Okay, that’s fine. Come find me when you’re ready. I’m just going to go hang with my friends, alright?” he asks hopefully.

  “You don’t have to ask me, silly. Go and have fun. I’ll catch you up in a bit.” I give him a kiss on the cheek, making sure he doesn’t notice that anything is wrong. I’ll end it with him tomorrow. I can’t do it to him tonight, not when he’s been looking forward to this party for the last week, and also in front of his friends. I’m not that much of a jerk.

  I watch him walk off, giving me smiles occasionally over his shoulder. I sigh, feeling relaxed again. I just need to be on my own. I pour myself my sixth vodka, hoping that it will do its magic soon and help me get through the night.

  Arms snake around me again, and someone is breathing on my neck. Goosebumps cover my skin instantly. There is only one person who has this kind of effect on my body with just the smallest of contact. I just wish he didn’t. “Jake, get your arms off of me,” I raise my voice, trying to move them to no avail. He has a vice like grip on me. My traitorous body loves him being this close, but my mind is pissed that he has the nerve to touch me after everything.

  “Don’t be like that. I just came over to tell you that you look beautiful,” he whispers in my ear. Even over the loud music I can hear him clearly.

  “You’ve said it now, so you can leave.”

  “Fine, have it your way. You know where to find me if you need me. Oh, and turn the frown upside down, baby.” Hearing him call me baby sends a hurricane of tingles through my body. I shake off my inappropriate thoughts and turn around to give him a piece of my mind, but he’s already out of sight. Now I just wish he was out of mind.

  Why does he always do this to me? He messes with my mind, one minute giving signals that he’s interested in me, and the next minute that he’s not interested at all. It’s confusing. I can’t wait for the day when I say, ‘Jake who’. It’s bound to happen someday, right?

  I down the drink that I poured before Jake interrupted me, slamming my cup down on the table. Alcohol just isn’t cutting it for me tonight. I need something stronger. I didn’t want to have to resort to this tonight, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

  I push my way through everybody who is in my way, making my way to the bathroom upstairs. Nobody except Jake’s close friends are allowed to use thi
s bathroom, which makes for the perfect place right now.

  I slam the door shut behind me, making sure to lock it, before sliding down to the floor, feeling relief that I finally have peace. I open my clutch bag, which contains my life support at the moment, pulling out the little bag of white powder. Shame washes over me. It always does. It doesn’t stop me from doing it though. I can’t seem to get through my day-to-day life without it, as sad as it sounds.

  I get everything ready in record time. Getting caught is the last thing I want right now. Nobody would understand. They would think that I’m weak, especially when they don’t have a clue about what I have to deal with.

  I hear Enrique – I’m a freak, playing in the background. Usually I would be dancing my socks off to this; I love Enrique, but right now, I have more important things to do. I need to calm myself down. When everything is set up, I snort my first line and wait for the high to hit. It doesn’t take long before it starts working its magic. The shame is trying to make itself known, so I quickly squash it down before doing another line.

  I don’t know how long I sit here, occasionally doing the odd line of cocaine, but it’s working. I’m starting to feel semi-normal again.

  Banging on the door startles me, causing me to scream.

  “Who’s in there?” a male asks from over the other side of the door.

  Fuck. I need to get rid of this, and fast. For all I know, I might know who is out there. I didn’t recognize the voice because the music is too loud.

  “One minute!” I shout back, scrambling to tidy everything away, leaving no trace that I’d done anything wrong in here other than go to the toilet. I check my face in the mirror, making sure that there are no traces left on my guilty face.

  I eventually open the door, which puts me face to face with Jake leaning against the door frame, his panty melting smile on his face. Damn, that smile makes my insides quiver. Every. Single. Time.

  “It’s all yours,” I tell him nonchalantly, moving past him.

  His arm flings out grabbing a hold of mine, stopping me. I give him a ‘what the hell’ look and snatch my arm out of his hold. This is the second time tonight that he’s touched me without my permission. “Will you stop touching me?” I snap.

  Laughing at me, he replies, “Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

  “I don’t like it. I don’t want your filthy hands anywhere near me. God only knows where they’ve been,” I tell him disgusted. It’s not that I don’t want his hands on me; I want them on me more than anything, though I can’t think that way. I can’t give into temptation, and Jake is my temptation.

  “Look, you don’t have to keep insulting me. If you don’t want to talk to me, then fine. I’ll leave you alone. Like I said earlier, though - you know where to find me if you need me.” Then he closes the door on my face, leaving me completely speechless. He just played me at my own game. That doesn’t sit well with me. See what I mean by hot and cold? I don’t need to think about this right now. The drugs are working, and I’m too high to even care. I just laugh at the door, hoping he can hear me and know that I’m not affected. I just wish I believed it.

  I spin around, marching down the hallway. I’ve decided to say ‘fuck you, Jake’. I’m going to have some fun tonight and show him exactly what he’s missing out on, my heart be damned!

  Jake

  When I saw that it was Chloe in the bathroom, she literally took my breath away. She really does look so beautiful tonight, and earlier was the first time I actually willed myself to tell her. She deserves to be told every day how beautiful she is, and if she was mine again, I would make sure to tell her.

  I saw how affected she became when I was standing behind her earlier. Her skin was covered in goosebumps in seconds, and it sent a thrill through me knowing that I had done that.

  I just wish she wasn’t ignoring me. I mean, she’s talking to me but saying as little as possible and is full of attitude when she does speak to me. I miss the sweet side of her, the one who showed me affection, who would stare into my eyes and convey with them how much I meant to her. That girl is long gone now it seems. I messed her up so badly. I see it more and more every time I see her. She’s slowly deteriorating, losing weight, and her skin is losing that natural glow that she usually has. But she’s still beautiful to me. She will always be beautiful to me, even if she lost all of her hair and became skinny and gaunt looking.

  I’ve been keeping an eye on her tonight, and she really doesn’t look happy to be here. She’s drinking likes there’s no tomorrow and isn’t communicating with anyone. That isn’t like her at all. I don’t expect her to be over the moon, because she’s not going to be. She’s at my place, for crying out loud, the guy who she hates more than anybody on this planet. Normally though, she wouldn’t isolate herself away from her friends, standing in the corner just drinking herself to oblivion.

  I was about to make my move to go over and speak to her when Evan beat me to it. Fucker. Then when she kissed him on the cheek, raging jealousy fired through my body. I had to remind myself that she isn’t mine. She is his, and there is nothing I can do to stop her kissing him. When he left to go talk to other people, I made my move. Like I said, her body betrays the way she acts around me. I can tell that she wants me, even if she won’t admit it to me, or to herself. Her body does the talking for me, just like mine does for her. I was so hard from having her back pressed against me. I loved the feel of her body on mine, even if clothes were in the way. I remember perfectly what little number is under those clothes, and oh my, it is pure perfection. I often dream about it. I just hope that one day I will be able to do more than dream, that I’ll have her body in my hands, on my lips…

  After I’d closed the door on her face, I leaned against it, closed my eyes, and rubbed my hands down my face. God, that girl infuriates me. Why does she have to make this so hard? Why can’t we just get along for everybody’s sake, instead of arguing all the Goddamn time? I know Maisie is getting fed up of it, and frankly, so am I. Do you know how many times I have just wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her just to shut her up? I would if I didn’t think she would slap me. I just want a chance to apologize for everything I’ve ever done to her and start over. I want a chance to show her that I can stick by her and that she’s the only woman for me. I know there will never be anyone else. I’ve tried ever since I first met her to find someone else, but Chloe has imprinted herself on my heart, and like a tattoo, it’s permanent.

  I have to find a way to make up for the biggest mistake of my life. I’m not stupid. I know that she’s deteriorating because of what I made her do. Fuck, I regret that every day, but I was selfish, just thinking of myself. I should have been thinking about what it would do to her. By the time I’d realized though, it was too late, and that’s when she started hating me. She hates me more and more every time I see her. I see the hate in her eyes, and it kills me.

  Time to man up. People are waiting for you downstairs. This is your party, and you will not go and hide in your room like a love sick puppy. If it’s meant to be, it will happen.

  I walk out of the bathroom a few minutes later, having not taken a piss, which is what I’d come up here for in the first place. Chloe just fries my brain and makes me forget everything I’m supposed to be doing. Oh well, I‘ll go later.

  “Yo, Jake, you seen Chloe?” Evan asks when I make it downstairs. Looks like he’s already drunk by the way he’s swaying.

  “Not in the last ten minutes. Want me to find her?” I ask, hoping he says yes. Even though I said I’d keep my distance, I just can’t.

  “No, it’s alright. I’m sure she will turn up.” He shrugs, heading back into the masses of people.

  What the fuck? Why is he acting like he doesn’t care about her? I keep my opinions to myself. This may help in my advantage. If he’s finally giving up on her, then I’ll be able to pursue her again. Deciding to go and find her to make sure she’s alright, I head into the kitchen as that’s where she was earlier. S
he’s not there, but the big bottle of vodka that she was drinking earlier has disappeared. Sweeping my eyes around the kitchen, I don’t find her anywhere, so I head out into the garden. It’s warm out tonight for Winter. Not many people are out here; just a few who decided that they would like to get down and dirty with a stranger under the stars. How romantic.

  Where the hell is she?

  Making my way back through the kitchen, I stop in my tracks when I hear, “Go Chloe, go Chloe.” They can’t be talking about my Chloe, can they?

  Following the chanting, I stop dead in my tracks when I see Chloe dancing in the middle of the living room provocatively by herself. Everybody else is standing off to the side, clapping and cheering. The guys? They are drooling and staring at my girl. I shoot lasers into the sides of their heads. If looks could kill, they would all be dead right now. I look at her again, and I can’t help but get turned on by her. The way she’s swaying her hips in time to the music makes me wish that I were behind her so she could rub that pert little behind on my cock. I rearrange my pants. I stare at her again. That’s when I spot the missing bottle of vodka hanging from her hands, except now it’s half empty. Shit, please tell me that she didn’t drink all of that. I have to do something. I can’t let her make a fool of herself, knowing that she will regret it in the morning. Where’s Maisie or Evan? Fuck it, it’s going to have to be me who sorts her out. Fuck, I’m not sober enough for this.

  Pushing past the people who are in my way, I gently grab her arm, causing her to stumble into me.

  “Jakeeeeeeeee,” she slurs, wrapping her arms around my neck.

  “Hey, baby,” I say, giving her a genuine smile, which she returns.

  “I love it when you call me baby.” Aww shit. I have no chance in controlling myself around nice Chloe when I’ve been drinking. I’ve longed for this side of her for months.