An Accidental Pirate, The Adventures of Captain Pigtail McQueue

by J.A. Sprouls

  Chapter 21

  Arbordale was having fun drawing the maps out. Barkley was just the opposite; he was sweating trying to get every nook and cranny included in his map. He wanted to make sure it was as complete as possible. Arbordale wasn't all that picky and figured that it really didn't matter if it was perfect, just so long as they got the general picture of the area.

  "Hey, Barkley are ya gonna get your map done by the end of this year? 'Cause that's gonna be a little late since we are planning this raid to happen in a few days," Arbordale called over to his brother.

  "Do you want it done fast or do ya want it done right?"

  "Yes," was all Pigtail told him.

  "Okay, I've got an idea, Barkley. Instead of you drawing the map why don't you start writing down all the traps and obstacles that we know of. Once we get that list down then we figure out how we are gonna get past them all." Piteque offered knowing full well that Barkley would be drawing well into next summer if they let him continue.

  Barkley hesitated for a moment and then decided to do as Piteque had suggested. Besides he would be going with them so he knew he would be able to offset Arbordale's shoddy map drawing when it came down to it. So he sat down with another piece of paper and started to write. He decided it would be best to separate the obstacles by category. This way they would know what they were going to be up against and know if it was a creature or a trap, since no one knew the exact order they were set up then it wouldn't matter if his list wasn't in order either.

  He started with the creatures: Flugs advanced guard, mole special forces, prairie dog battalion, puffer worms, grub worms, beetle brigades, fire breath lizards, stalagmice and stalagticks, and those pesky terra slugs.

  His list for the traps was a lot harder because those were kept secret and the only ones they knew about were the ones that some Knarl had set off at some point accidently. He had factual knowledge of the swinging tandem pendulum axes, the poisonous blow darts, the ooze of doom, sand traps, pointed stick traps and rope traps. These were fairly simple traps that were at the first part of the protected area, which is why a few Knarls had set them off and knew about them. But he had heard rumors about some other more devious devices the deeper you got, so he felt it would be best if he wrote them down too. That way there would be no surprises if they actually ran into one of them and a great bit of relief if they didn't. So he added to his list: hematite dust, self-closing /crushing doors, a labyrinth, curses, water traps and the force shield that was said to be protecting the power source.

  He sat back from his list and studied it to make sure he didn't forget anything. When he had satisfied himself that it was as complete a list as he was gonna be able to make, he handed it over to the captain. Pigtail and Jethro bent over the list and started to take each one separately and try and decide how best to go against it and win.

  "The swing pendulum axes could be beaten simply by watching them and judging their swing time. If we time it just right then we could get past them fairly easily with very little effort," Jethro said.

  "The poisonous darts are another thing," Pigtail said as he turned to Barkley and asked, "How exactly are the darts situated? I mean, do they fall from the ceiling, are they shot from the side or are they embedded in the floor and we are expected to 'accidently' walk over them?"

  Barkley scratched his chin and finally answered, "I only know about them from my sister's old beau. He got into them by accident when he got lost going to the cafeteria. I believe he said they shot out from these holes in the walls."

  "We could have a wooden shield that the dart would stick to but not hit anyone. If we used metal ones there is a risk that the darts might ricochet and hit someone," Jethro offered.

  "That's a good idea. Wicket, we need you to build us some wooden shields. Make sure they are light enough to carry but sturdy enough to take a flying dart," Pigtail ordered Wicket, who snapped to his feet, saluted and wrote it down on his 'to do' list.

  "Okay, what's the 'ooze of doom' and how do we overcome that?" Pigtail asked the Knarls. BB and BJ had come over once it was clear that plans were about to be made.

  "The 'ooze of doom' is this really sticky stuff. Once you set foot on it you're stuck and there ain't nothing that is gonna get you out. The positive is that it's a purple color so if you have some type of light then you could see it before you ever even step into it. If you don't, then forget about it. You'll be there until the end of time or you die, whichever comes first," BJ told them.

  Tally, not having a 'to do' list decided he needed to contribute so he said, "If we took planks with us we could put them over the ooze and then just walk on the planks."

  "Say, that's not a bad idea, good job, Tally, So you'll be in charge of getting us some light planks we can carry and use," Pigtail ordered and Tally smiled because he wasn't gonna be left out after all.

  "Okay, that leaves the sand traps, pointed stick traps and the rope traps. I'm guessing that all of these are associated with the ground. The sand traps and pointed stick traps are probably dug in holes in the ground and utilized that way, right?" Pigtail turned to Barkley for conformation and Barkley nodded his affirmation. "So we just need to keep our heads down and watch the floor?"

  "Nope, they disguise them to make it look like the floor so you can't see it coming. It wouldn't be that effective a trap if you saw it coming, now would it?" Barkley said.

  "But you can see the ooze, why not the other traps?" Pill hated to point out that it wasn't always the case, but thought it might be best.

  "Yeah, but that's only if you have a light. Most of the creatures in the underground don’t carry light. They don't need it. So it's an effective trap on them. But as you get closer to the power source the harder they make it. I seriously doubt that they are gonna make it easy to get to. If they did then someone or something would have already destroyed the power source, now wouldn’t they?" BB said in exasperation.

  "Okay, how about if we use a stick or cane that we use to tap the ground in front of us to make sure it's solid ground? If it isn't then we know that one of those traps is being used and we need to be careful going around it," Wicket offered not wanting to be out done by Tally.

  "That's a good idea. Add that to your list of things to bring," Pigtail said. He looked down the list and asked, "What's hematite dust?"

  "It's a dust that is on the ground and your feet stir it up and it gets on your skin and in your eyes and irritates them. If you're exposed to it too long your eyes can start bleeding. It looks like any other type of dirt so seeing it beforehand is gonna be a problem," Barkley explained.

  "How about bringing water to wash our faces and skin? It will wash off the hematite dust and then not bother us." Lark was really enjoying this and was glad to finally be able to contribute to the planning.

  Pigtail clapped his hands together, "Well, that's taken care of a few of the obstacles we are facing. So we've at least accomplished something. Now let's look at the other traps. Now you say, Arbordale, that these are traps that you have only heard about but you don't know for sure if they actually are being used to protect the power source, right?"

  "Most definitely, but a couple of them, like the self-closing/crushing doors are in all likelihood real because I've heard of the tunneling squad being called in to dig new tunnels to circumvent tunnels that have been shut down. So that implies that someone had triggered the doors and since they are made to insure that the intruder can't get back out, then it would be necessary to dig a new tunnel to access the power source if the doors were triggered and had in fact, sealed themselves."

  "Maybe they were triggered accidently and they called in the tunneling squad to get whoever it is out," Pill suggested.

  "Nope, the Wind Hag don't take kindly to anyone trying to get to her power source so she would just let them die in the trap. She wouldn't care one way or the other about them. Unless it was someone she wanted to punish and torture before she let them die. Then she would get them out. Otherwise, it is gonna be t
heir tomb," Piteque told her.

  "Jeesh, she is really a horrible little squat woman," Pill said disgustedly.

  "Yep, but then again, anyone who could think up so many foul ways to protect her power source can't be the gal next door type, can she?" Arbordale added.

  "So that leaves the curses, labyrinth and force shield, in regards to the booby traps. The labyrinth we will just have to figure out when we get there. There's really no way to plan on that," Jethro said.

  "We could take a compass to make sure we're heading in the right direction," Wicket offered.

  "Hey, that's a good idea," Pigtail told him. Wicket smiled. Great, now he was one up on Tally.

  "Now the water traps don’t sound too bad," Pigtail looked around and asked the others, "You can all swim can't you?"

  Everyone nodded and the Knarls added, "Sticks float so that shouldn't be a problem with us either."

  "So what type of curses are we talking about here?" Pigtail asked as he turned back to Arbordale.

  Barkley was the one to answer that question, "Oh, you know, your normal curses, like your ears grow to where they touch the ground. Luckily, that particular one wouldn't affect us Knarls because we don't have ears, so to speak. There's also the upside down curse. That's where you walk on your hands all the time because you think the world is upside down."

  "I've heard that one fella just sorta dried up. Got all the moisture drained out of him and there was no water around to replenish it, so he died," BJ mentioned.

  "Maybe we might run into one of the water traps after that and we can get moisturized from them," BB suggested.

  "The Wind Hag ain't gonna have a trap that counteracts another trap one after another. It would defeat the purpose of having a trap in the first place," Piteque rolled his eyes at his brother's stupidity and sincerely wished he had been adopted at the moment.

  "I heard of another curse. It's one where you end up having nothing but brats for kids," BB said hoping to be helpful.

  "Naw, that ain't a real curse. Your grandpa just told you that to explain why his kiddos weren't well behaved. He refused to take any blame on that because he refused to discipline any of us when we did something wrong. When that happens you end up with kids who are brats but there was no curse involved," Orida explained.

  "Okay, so basically we will have water on us for the hematite dust so if we get drained of moisture then we can drink some water so that one is covered. The ear thing, I have no idea how to counteract that one. I guess we just tie the lobes into a knot to make sure you don't trip over them. And walking upside down shouldn't be too hard to counteract. We just grab whoever is doing it and turn them right side up and hold on to them so they can't get back on their hands. So what is the force field made of?" Pigtail asked.

  "No one knows because, as far as we know, no one has gotten that far. It's just a rumor but rumors can be true, ya know. It's just best to be prepared," Arbordale said.

  Tally, realizing that Wicket was one up on being helpful had been fuming silently about it. Now he saw his chance to draw even with Wicket so he suggested, "How about if we take a mirror, maybe we can reflect the force field off to the side or something."

  "Yeah, but what if it don't want to reflect, then what do we do?" Wicket said huffily because he saw Tally's advice as an attempt to pull even with him.

  "Then we figure something else out. But as of this moment we don't know that the force fielded won't reflect or not. So what's the harm in taking a mirror, just in case?" Tally yelled back at Wicket.

  "Knock it off you two. We are not gonna get into any type of arguments, got it? We've got too much to plan and too many things to get together. And a mirror might work or it might not but it wouldn't hurt to take one just in case. This is a matter of all of us needing to work together and not against each other. So calm down and cool off," Jethro tried to soothe over the petty competition that had apparently arisen between Tally and Wicket.

  Wicket and Tally, seeing Jethro was ganging up against them decided to unite and both took offense at Jethro's words. "Yeah, but who do you think is gonna be lugging all this stuff around, the shields, water, planks, canes and light and now you add a mirror. It's gonna be us," he indicated him and Tally and then added, "I'm betting if any of you carry anything it will be the light stuff while we break our backs lugging the heavy stuff around." Wicket crossed his arms to show his disgust to the others and Tally mimicked him.

  "We will all carry our own load and we will take turns carrying the heavy stuff. As far as the mirror goes, we don't have a big one to take with us in the first place so we will take my daughters hand mirror and she can carry that herself," Jethro was getting really tired and frustrated with Wicket and Tally's mood swings.

  "Well, okay, then, I just think fairs fair and we should all pull our own load, so to speak. After all, we're all in this together and we all stand to lose or win, together," Wicket felt the need to explain.

  "You're quite right and I couldn't agree with you more. So now all we have to do is figure out how to get by the creatures and then we'll be set to get this shindig on the road," Orida said. "Now the moles are darn easy to get by simply because they have really bad eyesight. We just have to supply them with a enough worms to keep them busy eating. And then just walk on by. Moles will take food over anything anytime. They're kinda stupid that way, you know."

  Piteque took up where his mother finished, "So that leaves Flugs advanced guard, prairie dogs, puffer worms, grub worms, beetle brigades, fire breath lizards, stalagmice, stalagticks and the terra slugs. Now the grub worms are not unlike the moles. We just give them plenty of grub to eat and that's what they are gonna focus on so we'll be able to just walk on by." Seeing Jethro's curious look he added, "They eat roots and grasses, so we just bring enough to feed them and that's a done deal."

  "Okay, what the heck are 'puffer worms?' I've never heard of them. For that matter I've never heard of stalagmice and stalagticks either, so just what are these things?" Pigtail asked as he scratched his head.

  "The puffer worms are the worst of the creatures that we have to handle. They are the most deadly. They are these worms that have spikes all over their body. When they get ticked or really mad they puff up. Only they manage to grow as they do this and so you can have a small puffer worm in a tunnel and if it gets mad enough it will puff out big enough to cover the whole tunnel from top to bottom and side to side. And if you're unfortunate enough to be beside it when it puffs up then you get one or more of the spikes poked through your body. It can kill ya before you even know what happened."

  "What!" Pigtail exclaimed, "You're telling me that there are worms like a blowfish? Only they get bigger and can actually kill you?! Who the heck decided to create something like that? What the heck was God thinking?"

  "Actually, it wasn't God who created them it was the Flug scientists who developed them in their labs. They spend days on end thinking up new ways to kill and torture. They are the ones who have devised most of the things we are gonna be facing. They get a sick enjoyment out of trying to outdo each other in the labs. The fella that thought of the puffer worms got an all-expense paid vacation to the compost hills of Washington, D.C." Arbordale explained.

  "Since when does D.C. have compost hills?" Pill asked, trying to remember just what she had learned in school about the place.

  "Since it became the mecca of politicians it became the most logical place to have it. That way you don't have to travel too far to unload it. And let's face it, they are chocked full of it so they needed to dump it now and then." Orida said.

  "Golly, who knew?" Tally said a little bit awestruck at the ingenuity coming from them.

  "Okay, so how the heck do we take on a puffer worm and how will we know when we see one if it's small to begin with?" Pigtail asked a bit exasperated.

  Wicket saw another chance to get ahead of Tally and so he seized the opportunity to offer, "If we take a harpoon with us then we can puncture the puffer and be on our way."
/>   Tally not liking being one upped said, "Isn't that just one more thing to carry?"

  "Yeah well, how the heck are we gonna get by them if we don't deflate them?" Wicket shot back at Tally.

  "That's a good point but I think we need to first be able to identify what a puffer worm looks like and how to recognize them before we get midway into the tunnel. We don't want anyone spiked to death." Pigtail said irritably.

  "From the sound of it, we don't want to make them mad or tick them off. So if we knew what sets them off then we could avoid doing that." Pill offered in the hope of avoiding an argument.

  "Oh, that's easy; they hate anyone and anything that isn't a Flug. Since a Flug invented them they took great pains to make sure that the puffers liked them. Their spikes can kill a Flug too, ya know. They break them up like a crushed dirt clod. So they made sure that they trained them to like any and every Flug out there. They also hate whistling and singing. Pretty much anything joyful and happy they dislike so they puff up at the sound of happiness. Flugs are never happy so that was the reason they made them hate happiness. Either we have a Flug with us or just don't act happy."

  "Okay, how about we make some Flug costumes and have a few of us dress up like them and then we can get by them. And it would be a way to get past the Flugs too. We just need to make it seem like some VIP Flugs are visiting the region to see how they do things. You know, suck up to them and make it sound like they are an exemplary Flug outfit and that they want their Flug army to be just like the ones here." Tally smiled as he finished up knowing that it would kill two birds with one stone so that made him one ahead of Wicket now.

  Pigtail and Jethro just stared at Tally for a good two to three minutes before they said in unison, "Brilliant! That could be the key to get us through a large part of the whole defense system. Good one, Tally!" They slapped him on the back and clasped his hand and shook it as Wicket sunk a little lower in his seat, seething.

  "I know how to sew. I could make the costumes, um, I mean the uniforms they wear. But I would need some help remembering what they looked like." Pill offered.

  "I remember what they look like. In fact, I drew them in my diary the night the Wind Hag rejected Pigtail's request. I'll go get it." Lark exclaimed as she jumped up and headed for her room.

  "You'll also need to know the insignia that is used for the high ranking Flugs in the army. That way they won't be recognized for imposters." Orida added.

  Pigtail sighed, "Great, how are we supposed to know what they look like?"

  "Not a problem, BJ and I will break into the Secretary of Military's office and steal whatever book tells about that. It shouldn't be too hard to do. They don't guard it very well. They've never had a break in before so they won't be expecting it." BB decided things were getting a bit dull and he was chomping at the bit to get started on this adventure.

  Jethro thought about that for a few seconds before he said, "We would need you to do it without their ever knowing about it. If they suspect something then the plan might not work, most particularly if they miss the book. They might be able to figure out why it was taken."

  "Naw, Flugs are too stupid, so that's not gonna be a problem." BB dismissed Jethro's concerns.

  "Just the same, I think it would best if we not take any chances. Who knows, the Secretary of Military might be the one bright bulb in all the Flugs and he might figure it out." Jethro reiterated.

  "The Secretary of Military, whose office we are gonna break into, is a gal. She's one of the few Flug gals to make it in the military. Of course, her job is a secretary's job which is normal work for a gal." BB thought that would settle matters and it did but not the way he thought it would.

  "Then that settles it, you are to go in and make darn sure that you leave no signs of a break in. After all, if it's a gal then she is gonna be a stickler for details and she just might realize what is going on. Now if it had been a fella then I wasn't worried about it. But if you're gonna go after a gals' book then take any and all precautions," Orida ordered her boys.

  ~~~~~