Collecting Smiles

by Melody Burris

  Chapter Nine

  We walked through the busy airport avoiding the crowd that waited for their luggage. Mark carried my only bag, as I walked with Andy’s arm around my shoulders. It was dark and cold in the parking garage so we hurried to climb in the truck.

  “How long have you guys been waiting?” I asked, surprised at how cold the inside of the truck was.

  Mark laughed and looked over at Andy. “We’ve been here for a couple of hours. He was worried we wouldn’t get here in time unless we left really early this morning.”

  Andy looked sheepish, “I didn’t want you to have to wait.” Then he slapped Mark on the back of the head. “Thanks, friend.”

  “Well, I’m glad to see you,” I said, scooting over into Andy’s side so that Mark could reach the stick shift.

  With the three of us in such a small space, it didn’t take long for us to warm up. I got to hear all about the holiday at the Coles’ house, complete with a blow by blow account of the snowball fight.

  Caleb had indeed been triumphant, with a little help from Brother Cole. Andy was relieved that Rebekah hadn’t followed him around like a lost puppy, and a little disappointed too, if I judged his expression right. I knew from keeping in touch with Rebekah that she was settling down into her own social life now and didn’t need a crush on an out of reach guy.

  Listening to Andy and Mark tell stories back and forth was wonderful. They would stop and correct each other or just jump in adding a bit, as they went. There friendship showed in every interaction they had. It felt homey. I laid my head on Andy’s shoulder and just enjoyed the sound of their voices.

  Back to school had me working on some end of the semester projects, one of which was a budget for a pretend business. I was having a hard time figuring in all the employee benefits. Andy, who had a better head for numbers than I did, was able to help with some of it, but he was really busy with his classes too. We managed to talk at least every day, but with finals approaching it would probably get worse before it got better.

  I had my nose in a text book when my phone rang. Andy was at the library researching a paper so it probably wasn’t him. This was a number I recognized. It was Rebekah. Excitedly, I answered, “Hello?”

  “Megan? Hi, it’s Rebekah.”

  “Rebekah, what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in a long time. How are things going with Jeremy?”

  “Oh, okay I guess. He sits next to me in English now. Hey, listen. I am calling about Mark. Micah is in the hospital and Mark is really upset. Mom and Dad are concerned he will try to come home and get behind in his classes and at work.”

  “I can imagine,” I said, surprised he was still here. “Is Micah going to be okay? What’s going on?”

  “The doctors say that he is responding to the antibiotics, but he will be in for a few more days. He has pneumonia.”

  “Is there anything I can do?”

  “Yes, that is why I am calling. Could you try to cheer Mark up? I told my parents you were the perfect one for the job. He is working tonight but he should be home around 7:30. We were supposed to call him but if you could get him out, maybe you could just give him the update.”

  “Consider it done. I’ll make sure that he relaxes a bit and that he stays here.”

  “Thanks, Megan. How is your love life going?”

  “I don’t know. I have been seeing Andy a lot.”

  “Oh, he’s cute,” she said, her voice going up an octave in her excitement.

  “Yeah, he is. It’s 6:30 already, I had better go. I have a lot to do. I’ll be praying for Micah. Keep in touch, ‘kay.”

  “Okay, bye.”

  What could we do on a Thursday night? Mark would probably be tired after working an 8 hour shift so anything energetic was out of the question. Time for the old standby. Remembering that I needed to think things through, I dialed Andy’s number. It rang only once and I heard a whispered, “Megan, hi.”

  “Sorry to bother you, Andy, but we have a mission of mercy. Do you want to go to a movie with Mark and me tonight?”

  “What? Mark’s working.” Then, with a hurt sound in his voice, he said, “you’re taking him to the movies?”

  “I’m hoping that we’re taking him to the movies.” It was kind of sweet and a little silly for Andy to be jealous. I gave him the rundown of the conversation I’d had with Rebekah. I even told him that she’d said he was really cute, just to tease him.

  “Okay, pick me up in front of the law building at 7:45. I will try to get as much done here as I can.”

  “Thanks, Andy, we’ll be there.”

  At 7:20, I parked myself on D41’s front step and waited. About five minutes later Mark’s truck pulled into the lot. Even in those five minutes, I had frozen through. It really wasn’t much of a night for going out. He approached the apartment looking both cold and tired. He had his coat wrapped around his thin scrubs trying to keep the wind off. His head was down and his shoulders were hunched so he didn’t see me until he as at his door.

  “Megan, what are you doing out here? It’s freezing!”

  “I am kidnapping you. Go get changed we’re going out.”

  He was clearly taken aback. “That’s really nice of you, but I am expecting a really important call. Maybe some other time.”

  “Go get changed,” I insisted, allowing him to pass in out of the cold. He left the door open so that I could follow him into the warm apartment. My face started to burn as it warmed up. It was a quiet tonight. Emily and John sat on the couch each with a book in their laps studying. “Rebekah called,” I continued. “Micah is responding to the antibiotics. They think he will only be a couple of more days in the hospital.” He sighed and it seemed as if his shoulders lowered several inches. I continued, “They won’t be calling because they know that you are with me. Now go get ready.”

  “But Megan, I am really tired and it’s so cold. My truck barely warmed up on the way home.” He was almost pouting, this was so unlike him.

  “Mark, if I don’t take you out and get you to have some fun, Rebekah will be mad at me. Hurry up we have to meet Andy in ten minutes.”

  Sulking, he headed off to change. I sat down at the table to wait. Emily looked up from her book and asked, “Where are you guys going?”

  “Just to the movies, there’s a new comedy at the dollar theater.”

  “Sounds fun.”

  Mark returned faster than I would have expected, layered in two shirts and a sweater. “Don’t worry,” I said, smirking at him, “I came prepared.” I held up a large thermos filled with hot cocoa. “It helps to warm the insides too.” I received a tired smile for my effort. It didn’t quite light his whole face, but it warmed me, so I counted it.

  He held an arm up motioning toward the door, “Shall we?”

  Once we were in the truck with the heater trying to make a dent in the cold, I opened the thermos and handed him a cup. “Thanks, now what exactly are we doing?”

  “Something boring I’m afraid… movie. I figured you would be too tired for anything else.”

  “Sounds perfect.” His grumbling was starting to give way to his casual banter as he warmed up with the cocoa.

  “Sorry, about Micah.”

  “Yeah, poor kid can’t catch much of a break. He was in for pneumonia when I was on my mission.”

  “I bet that was hard,” I said, stating the obvious.

  “I just worry that with all of his other challenges that he won’t make it through, and…” he trailed off.

  “And you won’t be there.” I finished for him. “He’s going to be okay, so deep breath. Let’s go get Andy.”

  “Okay.”

  I gave him directions to where Andy said he would be. We pulled up just long enough to let him slide in next to me and close the door against the cold again. The blast of air that entered the truck when he opened the door was bone chilling. It really wasn’t a good night to be out.

  I was squished in the middle with my legs to the right side so that Mark co
uld still move the gearshift. Andy didn’t seem to mind. He put his arm around me and cuddled me into his side. I wondered how long he’d been waiting for us. He needed to warm up and the cocoa would be just the thing, but I couldn’t reach it. It would only be a few minutes to the theater. I could deal with his cold, slick winter jacket now raising the goose bumps on my arms.

  The movie was a total flop. I sat between the guys trying to keep them from throwing popcorn at each other like adolescents. I put up with the occasional kernel in my hair because the point of tonight was to get Mark out for a little fun. The smile on his face, as he scored a cheap shot, was definitely genuine and he seemed more relaxed.

  Andy was trying to take the high road and watch the movie. At least, that’s what I thought, until I felt him stick popcorn down Mark’s sweater with the hand he had wrapped behind my shoulders. Did he seriously think I wouldn’t notice?

  I felt a little bad for the person who had to sweep the theater after we left, but at least I was surrounded by grins. The two of them kicked at each other and shoved playfully all the way to the truck.

  Mark dropped us off at Andy’s car on campus before heading home. You could just see the stress lifted from his face. I was glad that the evening had helped. I gave him a hug and thanked him for coming with us. “Anytime,” he said, then threw one more piece of popcorn, he had just found in his sweater, at Andy. Despite being more relaxed and it getting late, I was sure his family would be getting a phone call from him tonight.

  Andy and I walked hand in hand to his car quickly because the wind was still bitter. He opened my door and then hurried around to get in and start up the heater. “That was fun tonight. We did a good thing,” he said, leaning across the car and kissing my frozen, chapped cheek. The cocoa was still warm, so we took a few minutes to have some while the car warmed up.

  “Yeah, nothing like going to the movies with a couple of boys.” I tried acting annoyed, but I couldn’t help smiling. He just laughed.

  “You should have seen us as companions.”

  “I hope that your mission apartment was still standing when you were transferred.”

  “Mostly. Actually, we were a good team, we got a lot of work done.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me at all. You’re still are a good team.”

  “You and I make a really good team, too.” He was looking into my eyes. I covered my mouth with my hand as a small giggle escaped. Why did I always loose it when things turned serious?

  “It seems that way,” I said shyly. Okay, I was feeling stupid now. I wasn’t good with this feelings stuff.

  “It was kind of fun cheering up Mark tonight. It was almost like being part of a family together. I bet you will make a great mom.”

  Okay, how had we gotten to this? I wasn’t expecting a serious discussion just now, not with popcorn in my hair. Gulping, I realized that for the first time in three years I needed to explain something important. It had never seemed that important before but suddenly it was the most important thing I could say. It seemed only fair, as we were getting more serious, to tell him.

  “Andy, I can’t have children.” There, I said it. That wasn’t so bad.

  “What do you mean? How could you possibly know that?” He was shocked, but not horrified; that was good.

  “I had cancer.” I decided to keep it simple. “After the surgery I had, I am sure that I can’t have kids.” I smiled weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He didn’t and I wished I knew what was going on behind those wide eyes.

  When Andy did speak, it was in a sputter, “That… must have been… hard for you.”

  How thoughtful to think of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relaxed. It had been hard. Mostly the feelings of the 16 year old me had been excitement that my monthly menstruations had ended and then a feeling of being some kind of freak because they had.

  The surgery had been private and very few people knew. I really had never thought to be upset about the whole kid thing. That life had seemed so far away. Sitting here in the now too warm car, I was beginning to see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little boy with sandy hair and big green eyes that sparkled like the ones staring at me now, danced in my mind. “Yeah, it is… hard, sometimes,” I admitted; like now.

  “Well, there is still adoption, Mark’s adopted you know.”

  “Yeah, I think he mentioned that once.”

  He reached across and stroked my cheek. I yawned. It had been a long day. “I should take you home, it’s getting late.” The drive home was quiet. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it. He walked me to my door and gave me a brief but sweet kiss on the lips. “I still need to work on that paper. I’ll call you tomorrow if I can get it done.”

  “Sorry to pull you away tonight. Good luck finishing it.” I waved and walked in, feeling a little sick. Something just seemed off. I wasn’t sure if it was my shock or that his eyes didn’t sparkle when we said goodnight.

  Andy didn’t call. The hope that he was just working on his paper didn’t erase the sinking feeling in my gut. I took solace in a girls’ movie night. We made cookies and watched a couple of old Hitchcock films. I loved how suspenseful Hitchcock movies could get without getting too scary. There was enough scary in my life just now.

  Finals were looming in the near future and I had been wishing for some extra time to prepare. It seemed, if things kept going the way they were with Andy, my wish might come true. Already it had been nearly two days and I still hadn’t heard from him. Was it really about his paper or was he avoiding me?

  Saturday, I hit the books. When studying failed, I tried distracting myself with wrapping the few presents I had purchased or made for Christmas. Just last week I had worried about missing Andy too much when I went home for the holiday, but tonight it seemed like I couldn’t get home fast enough. It was time to take a break from the whole adult thing for a while. I wanted to be a kid.

  There was loud conversation noise coming through the door when I woke up from an unexpected doze. I sat up, my hair all disheveled, and wiped the sleep from my eyes. Kristen and Melissa were returning with two other girls that I only knew by sight and four guys, one I recognized right away as Tony, Kristen’s boyfriend.

  “I’ll get the ice cream,” Melissa said over her shoulder as she walked to the kitchen.

  “Hi, Megan.” Kristen was heading for the cupboard for the bowls and spoons.

  I laughed to myself thinking of a similar situation in D41. We had been playing ‘Sorry’ and Andy had announced. “We have some ice cream, would you like some?” I had said yes and then he added, “You just need your own bowl and spoon.” The guys’ apartment was definitely not as well stocked as ours.

  “How was the concert?”

  “It was great. There was this one number…” Kristen began, but she was overtaken by everyone else trying to talk at once about the number in question. This dissolved into conversation that I really didn’t understand so I excused myself and went to bed.

  Our usual rides greeted us the next morning, if not with the usual smiles. I pasted a grin on my face and rode in Andy’s car making small talk with the Jackie in the back seat. Andy was quiet most of the way.

  When we got there, I noticed that church was getting crowded. Looking around, I could see that we had picked up a few extra people who seemed to be attached to someone in the ward. There were quite a few rings as well. Of course, we were also losing people. John was the most noticeable absence. He was attending church in Emily’s ward now.

  Andy had walked in with us, but had stopped to talk with a group of men in the hall. When he entered, he came over and sat in the vacant seat next to me and distractedly flipped through his manual. Despite the fact that I had been nervous for days, I was content not to disturb him. I wasn’t ready for that conversation yet, so I turned to Nathan.

  “How are those mission papers coming?”

  “I have to wait until next semester but I’m starting the process.” Na
than was hoping for somewhere exotic. I hoped that he would be happy where ever he went and it would probably be a good idea if it was some remote place that didn’t get ESPN.

  Sacrament Meeting was starting. I reached over and took Andy’s hand. It was a little sweaty, but I didn’t care. They always kept the building so hot anyway. He pulled it away to grab the hymn book as the opening song began. That was reasonable, I told myself, no need to panic.

  I was too distracted to listen in church. The three hours seemed to be over in no time. Jackie and her friend, Alisha, who had sat beside me in Relief Society walked home with me. Andy had a meeting after church. Normally, I would wait for him, but things weren’t normal just now. The girls seemed like a good excuse. “I’ll see you later,” I called. “I am going to walk home with Jackie and Alisha.” He had waved me on as he was sitting down to his meeting.

  It was a bit chilly, but the wind wasn’t as bad as it had been. The walk was only about a half mile, but it was a bit of a hike in heels, especially where the snow hadn’t been cleared completely. Jackie seemed to keep warm by gushing about her favorite subject, boys. She had gone on a date with a guy named Carson. I enjoyed the distraction and it was very entertaining to hear what Jackie considered a proper date report. Not a detail was neglected. It never occurred to me to notice what aftershave the guy was wearing or if he wore a CTR ring on his right hand, but to Jackie the beauty was in the details.

  I walked through the door of my apartment and flopped on the couch with a huff. “What’s up with you and Andy?” Jackie asked as she flopped down next to me. Other people were noticing. That was a bad sign.

  “I’m not sure; we’ve been out of contact for the last few days. I’m just giving him some space.” I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, I had thought of little else since of our conversation. I just wasn’t in the habit of sharing that information.

  “You’re handling it very well. If that were me, I would be so worried.” Gee thanks, Jackie.

  “So are you going to go out with Carson again?” Changing the subject seemed like a good idea.

  “Oh, yes, if he calls me. I think he had fun. I had fun.” All the certainty had left her voice and I sympathized. It was hard to wait around on someone else.

  “Well, if he is smart, he’ll call because you are awesome!” I said with enthusiasm, then I escaped to my room to change. I’d considered hiding in my bedroom because I wasn’t much for talking at the moment, but I was even more against being left with my thoughts. Emerging from my room in sweats, I hollered out, “Hey I’m going to make some cocoa. Want some?”

  “Sounds good,” Jackie said, joining me.

  I carefully steered the conversation to classes and the upcoming finals. Jackie was especially fun to talk to right now because in preparation for her ASL final, she was signing as she spoke. Her hands and her expressions were animated as she talked about the teaching materials she was designing. I had seen a lot of poster boards and markers in her hands lately, but I hadn’t really taken the time to notice what she was doing.

  “Hey, can I see them?” I asked. Her face lit up as she bounced down the hall. It was a little late in the day for counting my first smile, but I suspected it was going to be that kind of week.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with roommates. Melissa’s final concert was scheduled for Friday night. Andy and I had made plans last week to go. Those plans seemed uncertain now. She was nervous which surprised me because she was so diligent about practicing and she had a lot of natural talent.

  Kristen was buried in homework and spending every free moment with Tony. It occurred to me that Melissa may just be feeling a little lonely. I had seen Kristen give her steady encouragement for so long, how had I missed its absence?

  Jackie received two phone calls that evening. Mark was the first and I couldn’t imagine what he would be calling her about. Was it a date? I was pretty sure Mark was one of those guys who was having trouble adjusting after mission life, but maybe he was going to start dating. The idea seemed odd to me; I had never seen him on a date before. I felt a little silly hovering around the hallway waiting for her to come out of our room. I was desperate for any news from D41, and I didn’t feel welcome there at the moment.

  Jackie opened the door and surprise spread across her face when she almost ran into me. I tried to make it look like I was just coming out of the bathroom. At least I hadn’t put my ear to the door. “So what’s up?” I asked trying to sound casual.

  “FHE stuff. Mark made arrangements for us to carol where he works tomorrow.”

  “Oh, that sounds really great. I love caroling.” Relieved was an understatement. I couldn’t deal with more things changing right now. With Andy giving me the cold shoulder, it was as if my world was upside down. Mark dating would just be too weird.