Then & Now

by Karen A. Leppert

  Mom found him curled up in his bed. “Are you sick?”

  “People are saying Sarah’s pregnant.” There! He’d said it out loud. Mom went pale, and he knew why. “Don’t worry, if she is, it’s not mine. I told you Sarah and I never had sex.”

  “I’m sorry.” Mom grabbed him up in her arms and stroked his hair.

  “Why did everything have to get so messed up? I know you don’t want to hear this, but it’s true. I should have been with Sarah, but no…we had to be good. Look where it got us, huh? Sarah wanted more, but I kept saying we had to wait…to be sure. Well, she was sure all right. It hurts so bad. I don’t think I can stand it any longer.”

  Mom tightened her hold on him. “I wish I could take this away from you. I’m sorry for you, and Sarah. This must be a difficult time for her as well.”

  Eventually, Seth cried himself to sleep. He awoke hours later, his mother’s arms still wrapped around him. Keith stood in the doorway, concern written on his face.

  Did he hear about Sarah at school?

  “Keith,” Mom whispered. “Seth’s upset. Can you give us privacy?”

  “Sure, Mom. Is there anything I can do?”

  “There’s a pot of spaghetti sauce on the stovetop. Please make sure it hasn’t burned. Thanks.”

  Seth stirred from her embrace. “Mom, I’m okay now. Go get dinner ready. I’m going to take a shower.”

  “Are you sure? Keith can help himself to dinner. I’ll stay here as long as you need me.”

  “I feel better. You were right. I needed to let it out. I’m done.” He got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. “Thanks, Mom. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you and Dad lately.”

  Before he started to cry again, he hurried out of the room. The shower was once again a source of comfort and privacy. As the water washed over him, he considered his choices. He could try to contact Sarah, to tell her he didn’t care about the baby. While this was a possibility, he questioned whether he could he live with the fact that the baby wasn’t his. He, after all, had cheated on her too. Could they forgive each other and move on? Or was it too late?

  Seth considered another option: friendship. Would that be enough? At least I’d have Sarah as a friend—wouldn’t that be better than not having her in my life at all?

  Or he could forget Sarah and move on. To his surprise, Seth liked this choice least. If he didn’t try to contact Sarah, he would always wonder what could have been. If he tried and she didn’t respond, then they weren’t meant to be together. He decided to write Sarah and see what happened.

  Letter in hand, he drove to Pat’s house the following morning. She looked surprised to see him. Derrick was away at college at UCLA; he had received a full scholarship and was playing football.

  “I don’t know who else to turn to. I guess you heard about Sarah.”

  “I’ve heard the rumors, but Aunt Helen and Uncle George haven’t said a word. My mom says they refuse to take the gossip seriously, that Aunt Helen thinks she’s above all that and is too proud to give them lip service. I think she’s wrong. I’d want my parents professing my innocence by going street to street with a bullhorn.”

  “Unless the rumors are true,” he whispered.

  Pat remained silent, unable to deny the possibility.

  “Yeah, well, I want to send this letter to Sarah.”

  “I don’t know where to send it. I think she’s at our Aunt CeCe’s, but I’m not sure.”

  “Look, I don’t want to put you in an awkward position. If you could take the letter and address it, then I won’t be able to contact Sarah if she doesn’t want me to. If she gets the letter, and she wants to talk to me, well…it’ll be her choice.”

  “Okay, I’ll send it to Aunt CeCe and ask her to give it to Sarah or forward it.” Pat took the letter from him. “Derrick’s furious with Sarah. We can’t even talk about it and not fight. I’m still protective of her no matter what, but he doesn’t understand that.”

  “I do. Sarah’s going through a lot right now and doesn’t have her family and friends for support.”

  “She may be better off without her mother. Aunt CeCe’s great. If Sarah’s with her, she’s in good hands.”

  “I’m glad for that. Thanks, Pat. You should stop by the house and see my mom.”

  “I will. I sure miss that brother of yours. Fall break can’t come soon enough.”

  Over the following weeks, the gossip about Sarah grew to epic proportions. Some people thought he was the father; some people even suspected Johnny. It didn’t matter who the father was; Sarah was now the town slut. Seth understood why she didn’t want to come home but hoped his letter would change her mind.

  All hopes were dashed, however, when his letter came back unopened. Return to Sender. One last dagger in his heart. Sarah hadn’t even bothered to open it. Clearly, she didn’t want him in her life…in any way.

  Time to move on, but how?

  SARAH

  When Sarah broke free of the wooded path on her morning jog, she spotted her father’s car in Aunt CeCe’s driveway. Her nerves spiked at his unexpected visit. She told herself he was just checking on her. She had suffered a concussion from a fall down the steps, one of many mishaps of late. She blamed a lack of concentration; her brain was as broken as her heart.

  Dad and Aunt CeCe sat at the kitchen table, drinks in hand and engrossed in conversation.

  “Hey, Dad.” Tears welled in both their eyes. Their separation had taken a toll. “This is a nice surprise.”

  “You okay?” he asked while inspecting the lump on her forehead.

  “As good as can be expected. Is that why you’re here, to check up on me?”

  “That and there’s something else. Sit down.”

  She took a seat and braced herself for more bad news.

  “Sarah, you need to come home now.”

  “But I’m not ready.”

  “Rumors are going around about you.”

  “About Seth and me? I expected as much.”

  “No, Sarah. The rumors are about you…just you.” He paused and seemed to be searching for the right words.

  “What kind of rumors?” She had a feeling they weren’t good. Were any rumors good?

  “People are saying you’re pregnant.”

  “Pregnant!”

  “Why else would someone leave town and not keep in touch with her friends?”

  “I’m not ready to answer any questions.”

  “Can’t you see how this might look to people? The fact that we used an illness as your excuse for not going to soccer camp doesn’t help either.”

  “When you put it that way, I understand how the rumors got started. I don’t understand why you think I should come home though.”

  “If you come home, people will see you’re not pregnant.”

  “No they won’t. They’ll just think I had an abortion or a miscarriage. Dad, when people tell a story enough times, no matter if it’s true or not, it becomes the truth. If anything, this is a reason not to come home. I don’t think I could bear the gossip. What about Molly and Kathy?”

  “Your mother and I have told them the rumors aren’t true, that you need time away from Seth, but I’m not sure they believe us, especially Molly. Your mother told them not to cow down to the gossip by making rebuttals.”

  Sarah thought for a moment. Molly was young and impetuous, and Kathy would certainly want to clear her name. She hated for both of them to defend her reputation, especially when no one would believe them anyway.

  “What about Mom?”

  “It’s been difficult for her. You find out who your friends are when something like this happens. She’s too proud. You know her…hold your head high and never let them see you cry.” He paused. “I hate to admit it, but I think your mother likes the idea of Seth not wanting to get in touch with you because of this. You know she never thought he was good enough for you.”

  “I bet he thinks I’m not good enough for him now.”

 
She had second-guessed the decision to go to Aunt CeCe’s many times, wondering if she should have confronted Seth. While the rumor of her pregnancy bothered her, another feeling prevailed. Revenge. Shamefully, Sarah liked the idea of Seth thinking she had cheated on him.

  How does it feel, Seth?

  “I don’t want to go back, especially now. No matter what we say, people will believe what they want to.”

  “You can always change your mind.”

  She nodded, but knew she would not go back for a long time, maybe ever. Her life there was over.

  NEW LIFE

  SARAH

  Waking up and living through the day was all Sarah expected from herself. Breathing in and out, eating without hunger, walking, talking…took great effort. After getting through the turmoil of seeing Seth with that woman and the decisions that had followed, she now dealt with the aftermath. The end of her relationship with Seth and the town thinking she was pregnant had become a reality. Living with it every day was torture.

  Although she hated to admit it, Sarah missed Seth. She tried to think of him only as a cheater, to hate him, to loathe him, but her Seth managed to break through the wall she’d built.

  Only one thing in her life gave her solace, and she thanked God for him. He was her rock, her courage when she thought she couldn’t go on, her reason for getting up in the morning, and her comfort during desperately long nights. He went everywhere possible with her. He loved her unconditionally, needed her, and never strayed. She named him Newton, which meant “new town.” After all, he symbolized her new life in this new town.

  While people “rescue” an animal from a shelter, Newton had rescued Sarah. On the first day of school, she had taken a shortcut through the woods, dreading the day even more than usual. New classes, new teachers, and, hopefully, new friends.

  Too much new.

  This wiry-looking scoundrel of a dog followed her along the dirt path leading to the school. He looked malnourished and in need of a bath, yet his tail wagged.

  “Hey boy, are you lost?” He licked her hand. “I know how you feel. I’ll tell you what. If you’re here this afternoon, you can come home with me,” she promised and headed to school.

  Sarah found her homeroom without getting lost.

  “Well, it seems we have a new student.” The man at the front of the class gestured for her to stand.

  Sarah stood on wobbly legs, but she forced her head up.

  First impressions are lasting impressions.

  “This is Sarah Matthews. I won’t torture you any longer. If anyone wants to know more about you, I’m sure they’ll ask. Welcome.”

  “Thank you,” she mumbled and sat back down.

  The school’s announcements ended without Sarah hearing them. She was lost in her own thoughts. Everything felt surreal. She still couldn’t believe her life had taken such an unexpected turn. Her senior year! It should be one of the happiest and most exciting times. Instead, she went through the paces, acting the part.

  Her morning classes passed without too much stress. That is, until lunch period. Entering the cafeteria felt like arriving at a party uninvited.

  “Hey, you,” a husky voice called out. “New girl, what’s her name?”

  “Damned if I know,” another deep voice answered.

  Sarah turned in the direction of the voices, and a group of boys in football jerseys stared at her.

  “We have an empty seat here,” said the first voice.

  She hesitated.

  “This is probably the only offer you’re going to get. Take it or leave it.”

  “Thanks.”

  Girls from the next table looked put off by the invitation.

  “Ignore them.” The second voice frowned at their audience. “I’m Chris.”

  “I’m Sarah. Thanks again.”

  “No problem. I know what it’s like to be the new person. I came here last year. Everyone already has friends. It’s hard to fit in.”

  She canvassed the table filled with fellow football players. “You don’t seem to be having a problem.”

  “Not anymore, but it took time. Let me introduce the guys.”

  Chris called out the names of her lunch companions, who then waved to let her know whose name went with which face. The first voice belonged to Caleb. He was smaller than the other boys, but the most outgoing.

  “It’s gonna take time remembering your names.”

  They nodded, and then they gave her the lowdown on the different cliques but, surprisingly, didn’t ask her any questions. She breathed a sigh of relief, having not considered what she would tell people about why she’d moved here.

  The rest of the day crept along, but she survived and headed home, taking the same path to look for her furry friend. He sat where she had first seen him, almost as if he’d waited for her.

  “Come on, boy. Let’s go home.”

  Aunt CeCe scrunched her nose. “Oh, Sarah, I don’t know. He looks awful, so—”

  “So much in need of a home…someone to love him. I’ll get a job to pay for everything he’ll need…food, vet bills…everything.”

  “Well, I guess you can keep him if the vet says he’s in reason-ably good health and not a danger to anyone. But you’ve got to get him to a groomer before he can come in the house. I’m sure he has fleas and God knows what else.”

  “Thanks, Aunt CeCe!”

  Sarah left the dog on the porch and went right to the yellow pages to find the vet; She thankfully found one who had an opening that evening because of a cancellation.

  To her delight, Newton was in good health. The vet gave her the name of a groomer, and Sarah made an appointment for the following afternoon. That night, Newton slept in the backyard under the stars with Sarah by his side. She had her first good night’s sleep in a long time.

  After school the next day, Sarah tried out for the high school’s soccer team. The thought of her soccer team back home brought more tears. Katie, Miranda, and Diane were probably practicing too. Guilt twisted her stomach in knots. Sarah hadn’t spoken to any of her friends, and with good reason.

  Molly’s outburst over Sarah not returning home gave her pause about seeking out her friends.

  “You have to come home now and show everyone you’re not…you know.”

  “I’m not ready, and I’ve already started school here.”

  “So have I, and it’s been awful for me. Kathy’s off at college, and I’m left here with Mom and Dad. Everyone’s whispering about you…at school, the store…even church.”

  “Even if I come home and everyone sees I’m not pregnant, that doesn’t mean they’ll believe I never was. Just ignore them.”

  “Easy for you to say, you’re not here. You ruined everything. Seth was the best boyfriend a girl could ever hope for. Why would you do such a thing?”

  “It’s complicated, Molly.”

  “People are saying you hooked up with a camp counselor, that you went off and got an abortion and that’s why you missed soccer camp.”

  Sarah reeled at this newest piece of information. “None of that’s true.”

  “No, then why did Dad come to see you?”

  “You know why. I got a concussion, and Dad was checking on me, that’s all.”

  “Then come home and prove to everyone you’re not pregnant.”

  “I can’t!”

  “Coward!” The phone went dead, and Molly had refused to talk to Sarah since.

  Sarah woke up on the morning of September 30, surprised she had gotten any sleep at all. This day should have been so different. Her and Seth’s first anniversary, the day they would have been together.

  Is Seth thinking of me…where we would have gone today; a cabin by the lake with a fireplace.

  It should have been a new beginning for them. Instead, it was just another day in her new life without him.

  Time was not a healer as she had hoped, but had become another enemy, creeping along, dragging her by the heart and breaking it into tiny pieces.

>   SETH

  Seth marveled at how much Sarah had added to his everyday life, and not just when they did things as a couple. School, work, family, friends, and life in general were more fulfilling when she was part of them. She made the mundane extraordinary.

  He hated Sarah for leaving him. He hated himself as well, sharing the blame for their demise. He had never gotten to tell Sarah he had cheated, but he knew he had failed them, their relationship. He would have to learn to live with that.

  Today was especially hard. He didn’t go to school, but sat in the empty stall at the stables, a monument to his cheating. It made him sick, but today he wanted to punish himself.

  Seth had been dreading this day. It should have been one of the happiest days of his life: the day he and Sarah had planned to be together. He’d never gotten to see her beautiful body…to touch her…to love her completely. He’d never gotten to feel himself inside her, to bring her to the ecstasy she so deserved.

  Instead, he drowned his sorrows and self-pity with alcohol and stared at the scene of his betrayal. How could he have been so weak? How could he ever be faithful to someone else when he couldn’t with Sarah, the woman he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with?

  It wasn’t that girls hadn’t tried, but the last thing he wanted was to get involved in another serious relationship. Besides, no one interested him, and he still held out hope Sarah would return. He hoped, in fact, to see her today. Of all the days Sarah might come home, today, September 30, seemed the most promising.

  He drove by Sarah’s house several times and even called, hanging up when someone else answered the phone. He knew it was ridiculous, but despair made him do or not do many everyday things. He avoided Main Street so he wouldn’t have to ride by her parents’ store; he avoided going into the back room of the garage; he tried to avoid going to the lake but succumbed because it gave him solace. And most of all, he avoided school and was failing most of his classes.

  In fact, he was contemplating dropping out. His parents were considering allowing this if he received his high school equivalency. They had met with his teachers but had yet to make a decision.

  Joe had agreed to take him on full-time if his parents approved. Other people had different opinions and voiced them.