Between Darkness & Light

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  I struggled to think through what he was saying but all I could feel was fury and shame. I even forgot to ask how he felt about Mary Anne and Matthew. “In your eyes I’m no better than the ones who murdered your family, am I?”

  I fled his room without waiting for an answer. Mary Anne’s hunting party was returning. I shoved my way past them and out into the garden area of the villa. I dashed through it and headed for the edge of the woods nearby. Our conversation had reminded me of an unpleasant truth. I had done awful things. Did that make me evil, or a misguided fool who had made serious errors in judgement as Kali insisted?

  Once I was surrounded by trees, I stopped. My legs felt rubbery from running while trembling so badly. For the first time since arriving in Rome, I felt a terrible urge to cut. Without thinking, I searched the ground until I found a snapped-off branch. The broken part was already sharp and I picked it up, slipping it into my belt next to my sheathed sword.

  “Planning on leading Amita here?” Sandro asked from behind me. Chiara stood with him.

  I spun around to face them. “What? No.”

  He glared at me. “Why should we believe you? You are a traitor and a murderer.”

  “You nearly gave the entire Resistance over to Valentino. Do you really expect us to trust you? Finally seizing your chance to betray us?” Chiara looked toward Sandro. “I never understood why Samuel didn’t kill you for betraying him.”

  “I am not meeting anyone out here. I came out here to be alone,” I growled.

  “Truthfully, I cannot understand how he can stand the sight of you. Unless you’re all traitors,” Sandro said.

  I crossed my arms and frowned at them. “I am tired of listening to all of you. You act as if you have never done anything you regret, but I’m sure if I looked deep enough I would find something horrible you’ve done. Now go back to the villa and leave me alone.”

  I heard Sandro swearing, but ignored him and started walking further into the woods. “I will not let you ruin everything we’ve worked so hard to accomplish!” Chiara screamed and launched herself at me.

  Caught off guard by her attack, I barely had time to shift a foot back to absorb the impact of her slamming into me. She raised her hand to strike, but I grabbed it and spun her away. Sandro was almost on top of me and his punch landed squarely under my ribs. Gasping, I staggered back and saw him reach for the sharp piece of wood on my belt. I twisted out of the way and saw Chiara come back at me.

  I didn’t think, but instead used a fraction of the power I recently discovered against them to neutralize them without killing them. They both dropped with a scream, but Sandro did so telepathically, crying out directly to my ka-tet members.

  I staggered under the fatigue that hit me and the deafening noise inside my head. I heard both Samuel and Matthew acknowledge Sandro’s cry, but their exact words were lost in the maelstrom. I kept a wary eye on my attackers as they started to get up. Before I could strike them again, Samuel arrived. “What the hell is going on out here?”

  “She attacked us!” Sandro wheezed, pointing at me. “We caught her sneaking away to meet with Amita.”

  “That’s a lie! They attacked me!” I snarled, the tiredness of using my power warring with the adrenaline still coursing through me. “I came out here to be alone.”

  Samuel frowned at me. “You haven’t wanted to be outside alone in weeks.”

  “I needed someplace I could think after we talked.”

  “Amita could be here any second! You need to deal with this traitor right now!” Chiara said as she cradled her head in her hands.

  I looked at Samuel. “You don’t honestly believe this, do you?”

  “I have no idea what to believe,” he replied, looking at each of us. “They appear to be the only ones hurt.”

  “I can show you the bruises if you want,” I retorted. “It’s not my fault I defend better.”

  Samuel looked down at Sandro. “If she was meeting with Amita, I would think her group would be all over us by now.”

  “Maybe we stopped her before she made contact,” Chiara replied. “Why are you questioning us? She tried to kill us, just as she tried to kill our fellow Resistance members in England! She waited until she convinced Diego of her remorse and then she snuck off to report to the Loyalists!”

  Sandro slowly got back to his feet. “Her timing to run off on her own is suspicious, Samuel. Why won’t you listen to us? Have you all become turncoats?”

  A look of frightening anger crossed Samuel’s face. Before I could answer, I heard Matthew’s voice behind him. “Us all traitors? I highly doubt that. What’s going on here?”

  “This defector you all have been foolishly protecting attacked us,” Sandro answered.

  Matthew looked at Samuel, then at me. His look seemed to ask: “You did what?” His gaze was suddenly filled with suspicion and hostility.

  I shook my head desperately. “I merely defended myself.”

  He looked at Samuel who said, “Sandro and Chiara are the only ones visibly injured. They thought Julia was sneaking away to meet with Amita.”

  I looked at Matthew again. Right now, it seemed he was the only person who might be a friend out here. His gaze turned unfriendly again, though I couldn’t tell if it was directed at me, them, or all of us. Fear seized me as I realized I had just given the two Italians the chance to turn everyone against me again.

  “And how do you know she was going to meet Amita?” Matthew questioned. “Did you hear her call out to her? Did you see any of Rome’s group? Or did you just assume that was what Julia was doing?”

  “How else do you explain her leaving without a word to anyone for the first time in a week or better? Diego had barely left.” Sandro said. “Besides, she attacked us!”

  Matthew looked surprised as he glanced at me. “Samuel and I had an argument. I came out here to think,” I said. “If I had known it was such an offense, I would have simply gone to my room.”

  He looked at Samuel who said, “We had a disagreement. I don’t think Julia liked some of the conclusions.”

  Matthew looked confused as I scowled. “Just because you made me upset does not mean I ran off to Valentino’s supporters.”

  “Isn’t that what happened last time?” Samuel countered. “You ran off after an uncomfortable discussion and the next thing I know you are trying to kill us.”

  I compressed my lips and glared at him. Matthew said, “That may very well be true, but it is unfair to keep using the past against her. Storming off to calm down is not a crime; if it were, you would be guilty of it ten times over, Samuel.”

  “How can you protect her? She almost gave you back over to Valentino who had tortured you for weeks!” Chiara exclaimed.

  Matthew’s expression became troubled. “It was a very stressful time. Julia’s the youngest and couldn’t cope. I know she’s remorseful and that’s enough for me.”

  Sandro sighed. “I think you’ve been hanging around with the Medici family too much, Matthew. The humans’ idea of forgiveness has gone to your head. You’ve gone as soft as them.”

  He narrowed his eyes. “Soft?” he echoed in a low voice. “I’ve been staying around the Medici family too long? Sandro, their bloodline has been around almost as long as you. I would watch what you say; their influence goes much farther than Florence.”

  “How could you get involved with mortal politics? With one of the most powerful families in Italy no less?”

  “I personally have found it quite entertaining. It’s been fun to be a part of something. Besides, isn’t this one of our objectives, to associate with mortals as normally as possible?”

  “Don’t you think you’ve gone too far? Gotten too involved?” Sandro questioned.

  “No. You’re just scared because this is the farthest any of us has gone in blending with the mortal world and you are afraid Valentino will find out. Leave it alone, all of you. There’s no sense in re-opening wounds that have just begun to heal.”

  “The wou
nds have never started to heal, Matthew. None of us have healed from what she did,” Sandro replied.

  “Are you jealous that I’ve been able to mesh in so well with the mortals here?”

  Matthew’s question was so out of place, I couldn’t help but stare at him in confusion.

  “No! I am not jealous. I think you are being reckless. As to Julia, she attacked us. She was going to betray you again! Can’t you see that?”

  Matthew frowned. “You haven’t shown me any proof of that.”

  “Read my mind. You’ll see I’m telling the truth,” I said.

  “Don’t listen to her. She’ll hurt your mind as soon as you do,” Sandro stated.

  Both of my ka-tet members looked at me, Matthew with a shocked look on his face. “Yes, I used the same power I used against the Hunters,” I said.

  Samuel frowned. “Someone is lying.”

  I stared at him in horror and pain. I didn’t think he believed me. I could feel my emotions spiraling out of control again. I wasn’t sure who I despised more at that moment. This time I caused the ka-tet’s power to inundate the area.

  Everyone glanced at me, Samuel and the other two with trepidation. “See? She’s thinking of striking with your shared power,” Sandro declared.

  Matthew locked eyes with me. “Not helping,” he hissed.

  “Well? What are you going to do, Samuel?” Sandro demanded.

  Samuel frowned. “Back to the villa, all of you. We’ll deal with it there. We’re too exposed out here.” As he spoke, he grabbed my arm and propelled me back toward home. The others followed.

  Once there, I was confined to my room. Shaking my head in defeat, I sat down on the floor next to my bed. How the hell did I go from trying to clear my head to being accused of treason? When I left, I hadn’t considered how it would look to anyone else. Since I hadn’t gone out alone much since discovering Stefan was Gregory, I supposed it did look suspicious. The vampires from Florence had a perfect story. The bruises they had given me were almost healed already. I had offered for someone to read my mind, see my memories, but who would do that when I could attack them with the same power?

  “Stupid, Julia,” I muttered to myself as I realized all I was trying to repair was falling apart. I could feel the others’ anger, distrust, and fear, even as they strove to keep me from hearing their words. They were going to condemn me without a shred of evidence. That most likely meant death or exile.

  I weighed my options. I could flee and hope to escape Rome quickly. At that point, I wouldn’t even have Lane to depend on since someone would spill the beans, I was sure. With the number of real enemies out there, I probably wouldn’t last more than a few days before someone got me, probably Gregory. I could submit to whatever “punishment” the group decided on, and have to watch the smirks on the faces of Sandro and Chiara as I was tortured or killed.

  I shuddered at those thoughts. “The hell with that,” I muttered. There was a third option. My urge to cut hadn’t diminished since my encounter with the two idiots outside. The emotional impressions I was glimpsing of the others in the villa simply fueled my self-destructive thoughts. It seemed I would always be looked at with fear and suspicion.

  Looking down at the wood in my belt, I pulled it out. Tears blurred my vision as I stared at it in my lap. I didn’t want to die, but it seemed the only acceptable atonement was my spilt blood. The question was how much would be enough? Some? All?

  “Julia, no!” a woman’s voice screamed as I drew the wood across my arm, below my right elbow. This cut drew blood but it wasn’t deep enough to be considered sufficient penance. I recognized the voice as the woman in white. “Please stop. If you do this, he’s won.”

  I didn’t look up as I switched the makeshift cutting instrument to my other hand in preparation for another cut. My hand trembled slightly. “Who is ‘he’? The one tampering with destiny? I don’t care. They will never trust me. Whoever it is has already won,” I whispered, and made the cut. The wood went in deep and the wound began bleeding heavily. I sat still, watching the crimson liquid flow across my flesh and drip to the floor.

  The door flew open. I dropped the wood and lifted my head defiantly. Matthew stood in the doorway, looking horrified. “Maledizione!” he swore. “Julia . . . why?”

  My vision blurred. “Thought I would save you all the trouble,” I whispered and slumped to the floor, losing consciousness.

  ***

  Jumbled voices swirled around me. At times they sounded angry, other times troubled. I thought I recognized a few of them, but then they would sound completely unfamiliar.

  Eventually, the fog lifted and I realized I was still alive. I noticed two voices this time and identified them as Kali’s and Matthew’s. They sounded concerned, although I couldn’t make out what they were saying. “You should have let me die,” I mumbled as I opened my eyes. “It’s what you wanted anyway. Why prolong my suffering?”

  The room came into blurry focus. After a moment, I saw Matthew standing beside me. Scowling, he asked, “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “Everyone thinks I betrayed the Resistance again. I know they want to kill me. I was saving you the trouble,” I replied in a cracked voice.

  Bewilderment took the scowl’s place. “You promised me you wouldn’t cut! I still don’t understand what happened two days ago!” he yelled. “I was halfway home when I heard Sandro’s scream. I followed the commotion and found you all arguing in the woods.”

  “Don’t make me repeat myself, Matthew.”

  “No one was talking about killing you!”

  I rolled my eyes. “How stupid do you think I am? You believed Sandro and Chiara’s story and they want me dead. They were practically begging Samuel to do it in the woods.”

  “I never said I believed them,” Matthew growled. “Neither did Samuel.”

  I looked at him in confusion. “Were you hearing the same conversation I was? Samuel said it was like last time. I even told you to read my mind, see my memories, and you all refused. You should have let me bleed to death. Or was that too nice of a death for me?”

  Kali sighed deeply. “Your group has finally done it. You’ve pushed her off the brink of sanity. I spent five years holding her together until you came around, and it was all for nothing.”

  Matthew whirled on her. “I was only doing what you told me to do! I went to meet with the Medici family! I have no idea what transpired in the hours I was gone!”

  “We talked to Lane. That led to some sort of disagreement between Julia and Samuel about vampires being monsters,” she replied.

  He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. “You should have waited until I got home, Julia, before trying to discuss that with him.”

  “I waited hours. You still weren’t home. I think I got all the answers I needed, though.”

  He turned back to me. “Julia . . . that subject is a sensitive one.” He paused, then abruptly changed topics on me. “I know you told us to read your mind that night. Do you realize how tightly shielded you were? Your mind was as guarded as Samuel’s had been several months ago. I couldn’t read it and was afraid to push too much. If you had defended against my probe, it would have looked even worse.”

  I frowned at him. “I was not shielding. You’re trying to trick me.”

  Kali cleared her throat. “You were when you returned, so I assume the same happened out there. I suspect it was due to the turmoil from earlier that evening and the feelings it brought up for you. Not even I got in until after you were unconscious.” I turned my head to study her. She had never lied to me before, but. . . “Read my mind if you wish, Julia. It’s pretty open at the moment.”

  Matthew mumbled something as I reached out telepathically to brush against the younger girl’s mind. Through her memory, I sensed how guarded my own mind had been days ago. The smooth walls were similar to the ones I complained about sensing in Samuel’s mind.

  “I didn’t even know I had done that,” I whispered. “I ha
d no idea I can shield that well.”

  Kali severed the contact before I wandered onto other memories or thoughts. “You normally don’t. You only do so when you are under extreme duress of some sort. I suspect it is the reason no one sensed what was going on with you in England either.”

  I glared at Matthew. “That doesn’t change the fact that you all were discussing exiling or executing me after you locked me in here.”

  He leaned over me, his brow furrowed. “And what exactly do you think you heard?”

  Glowering up at him, I said, “You made sure I couldn’t hear words, but I could feel the anger, the distrust, the hate aimed at me.” He hovered above me another second before shifting back.

  “Well, she had most of the emotions evaluated correctly. It’s a shame we were too quiet for her to hear,” Kali commented.

  I stared at her, then at Matthew in bewilderment as he said, “You assumed those emotions were aimed at you. In reality, there was just as much aimed at Sandro and others.”

  “Sandro,” she said. Her lips twisted in a snarl. “He is nothing more than an avaricious, manipulating scoundrel!”

  My eyes widened at her words and vehement tone. “Such language coming from you.”

  Matthew looked back down at me, an amused glint to his eyes. “Kali just illustrated the point I was trying to make to you.”

  She glared at him. “This is serious, Matthew. Sandro is taking advantage of this unfortunate situation. He saw it as an ideal opportunity to gain influence. He had been using people’s distrust of Julia to turn the entire movement against her, until her unintentional alliance with Lane interrupted his plans.” She looked at me. “Once Diego left, he really only had one choice. He had to find a way to turn your ka-tet against you. If they despised you, so would the rest.”

  “I played right into his hands. If I hadn’t tried to defend myself out there . . . if I hadn’t assumed everyone believed him . . . How do I keep making these stupid mistakes?” I whispered.

  “If you hadn’t defended yourself, they may have killed you before we even got there. They could have said anything and you wouldn’t be around to refute it,” Matthew replied. “You aren’t the only one who made mistakes.”