Between Darkness & Light

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  “What did she say?” Lane asked, sounding almost intrigued.

  “She said it was a daft but impressive thing to do. She had introduced herself as Valerie and offered me a place to stay.”

  “She offered to take you home, even though you were a lone vampire? And . . . you agreed?” He asked, sounding confused.

  “Yes, though it took some convincing for me to agree. The only reason I did was because she said she didn’t allow killing therefore I knew she had a different way of feeding.”

  Lane shook his head. “Weren’t you wary of sharing your resting place with others?” I looked between Lane and Samuel, surprised that this topic had come up. We had just talked about this last night.

  “Yes,” he said shortly. “One of them suggested sleeping in a shared room and I nearly walked back out. I saw them as other monsters so I wasn’t going to sleep in the same room. She stopped me from leaving by offering me her own room. She practically pleaded for me to stay. A few hours later I had decided as long as I had the room to myself, it wasn’t terrible. I was clean. I had fresh clothes and a dry, warm place to sleep. When I woke the next night, I decided to leave. After all, who would willingly keep one like me around who obviously didn’t know anything?”

  Lane shrugged. “No one I know,” he said under his breath.

  “Valerie and her maker were arguing when I came out. He wanted her to throw me out, stating it would be impossible to teach me, especially if I knew nothing and was already a month or two old. She refused and offered to teach me.”

  Lane was quiet, seeming stunned by Samuel’s words.

  “I accepted her offer. Some of her group tried to get me to talk, at least get me to tell them my name, but I refused. Valerie was the only one who wasn’t constantly pestering me. The next night she took me out to teach me to hunt correctly. I finally told her my name that night.” Samuel shook his head, almost ruefully. “She had no idea what she was getting herself into. Maybe if she had known, she would have thrown me out after all. She discovered that I didn’t even know I could hypnotize humans. It took at least an hour to teach me that alone. Weeks to teach me to hunt, the rest of the year – if not longer – to learn everything else.” Samuel crossed his arms and looked at Lane. “And you’re probably wondering why I bothered to tell you all this.”

  He nodded, staring at him with one eyebrow slightly raised.

  Samuel glanced at us a moment, then pursed his lips, obviously trying to decide how to address this. “Lane, for the last few centuries, I have not given much thought to my first years as a vampire. I eventually learned how to integrate into a group and hide my . . . oddities. I only told others what was necessary, because I didn’t want to remember.”

  Before he could continue I said, “Samuel had me fooled for years. I didn’t know until I pissed him off once that he could disappear for days.” My comment earned me an exasperated look from Kali, an amused one from Lane, and a frown from Samuel.

  “The night Julia stumbled upon you and you didn’t attack her, I thought it was strange. When you came to her aid the next night, I realized you weren’t insane – you were as I had been. The memories and emotions from that time resurfaced. But members of my group have never been alone. They have all been taught correctly. They don’t understand.” Agitated, Samuel paced between us. “I wanted to talk to someone who would. I’ve never met another lone vampire who had their sanity until you.”

  Lane stared at him, and slowly exhaled. “What do you want to talk about?” he asked.

  I walked closer and sat down on the log beside Kali. Finally, I thought. I think this will help both of them.

  Samuel stilled and some of the tension drained out of him at hearing Lane’s words. The muscles in his shoulders relaxed. I realized that while at first Samuel had been reluctant to talk to him, to acknowledge their similarities, now he had been afraid Lane wouldn’t talk to him.

  He sat down on the ground, facing Lane, who remained standing. When he spoke now, his voice was soft and didn’t have the desperate edge it had before. “I clearly remember the time I woke up after the attack. I hadn’t known until I woke that the bastard even bit me. All I knew when I opened my eyes was that I was supposed to be dead. I’m not sure how I knew but as soon as the room came back into focus I was terrified. Later, the bastard’s group explained that they turned me.”

  “I was terrified too. At first I had no idea what had happened.”

  Samuel nodded. “I can imagine.”

  Lane took a step back to rest against one of the trees. “When you left Rome the first time, did you avoid everyone?”

  Samuel nodded again. “I didn’t venture closer than I had to and never talked with anyone. I didn’t want to meet other vampires or get too close to humans. I never tried to feed. I was hungry but didn’t want to kill.”

  Lane stared at him. “I realized I had been turned into a monster a day or two after it happened. But I wanted to survive and if that meant killing, so be it. I killed.”

  My gaze flickered to him. His words echoed in my mind and I frowned faintly. I did not consider myself a ‘monster,’ had never considered all vampires ‘monsters’. I opened my mouth to speak but Kali shook her head. she warned.

  I closed my mouth, glared at her, and glanced at Samuel. He didn’t seem shocked by Lane’s words; his expression was one of vague surprise and understanding. “Well, at the time I would have agreed with you on the monster part. I just wasn’t ready to kill to live.”

  “That’s where you and I are different,” Lane said flatly.

  “Yes, that’s where you and I are different. Maybe if I had been on my own longer I would agree with you on that as well.”

  Lane shrugged. “You don’t believe we’re evil fiends now though.”

  Samuel made a face. “I’ve changed my mind somewhat, but I still occasionally think vampires in general are monsters.” He glanced toward me. “Valerie and I had several arguments about that over the years.”

  Lane also glanced at me, no doubt remembering our little argument a few nights ago.

  I stared back, studying him. I was trying to compare him to Gregory or even my brother. Someone who I knew had been evil. I shook my head, not seeing the similarities. He killed because he knew no other way to feed. From his own words, he mostly fed on thieves and murderers, not innocent people. Anger flooded me and I decided to walk away before I said something I knew I would regret later. I spoke in Italian, directing my comment toward Samuel. “Non averte idea che cosa dicendo.” It meant “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  I didn’t care if Lane understood or not. I stood and headed into the woods to calm down, but stayed within hearing distance just in case. I could tell this was going to be a key point that we wouldn’t agree on. Ever.

  Kali sighed. “You’re going to have to talk to her later Samuel.”

  “And what am I supposed to say? Julia’s different. She doesn’t see things the way many other vampires do. Many think vampires are some kind of evil. She doesn’t.” There was a moment of silence. “I’m sorry about her behavior, Lane. I thought she would be a little more composed than this. Otherwise I would not have brought her along.”

  “What did she say before she left?”

  “She said we have no idea what we’re talking about.”

  “Oh. Does she even know what she’s talking about?”

  “Actually, yes,” Kali said before Samuel could reply. “Neither of you are wrong. You’ve just seen different aspects of the same thing.”

  “I don’t understand,” Lane said in bewilderment.

  “I know you don’t, Lane. The only way I can explain her unusual thinking is she insists there’s a difference between having to kill to survive and evil,” Samuel said.

  “What if someone’s human life was so horrible that being a vampire seems like a blessing?” Kali questioned.

  The
re was a long silence, in which I suppose Lane was trying to comprehend that idea. Finally he said, “I can’t imagine anything so horrible that one would choose to live like this.”

  Another wave of anger washed over me. I wanted to scream and hit something. Instead, I took a deep breath as I unclenched my fists. Doing so let me think before I acted. How could I be angry with Lane’s perspective? He hadn’t chosen this life. He had been attacked and changed into something not human. Any friends he had made in his early years had been killed. He had no instruction, no help. Anything he had figured out, he had learned on his own. Why wouldn’t he think vampires were evil?

  “She has freedom now that she never would have had as a human,” Kali continued. She sighed and mumbled, “They will never understand.”

  Her words made me pause. When I had agreed to become a vampire an entirely new world opened up to me. I could go wherever I wanted anytime, with whomever I wished – no escort needed. I’ve learned how to use weapons I wouldn’t have even recognized when I was human. Wearing men’s clothing was no longer taboo, was even encouraged at times. I frowned and thought, Be glad, Lane, that you don’t know what horrors can make this life a blessing. Sadly, I do. Being a vampire is not as bad as you think. There could be much worse things.

  “Is that all you wanted to discuss?” Lane asked abruptly after another longer silence.

  Samuel answered, “I think so. Oh, and I wanted to apologize for the fact that you had to spend the day with us. I know that had to be uncomfortable for you. I was surprised when I realized you were not gone by sunset.”

  Curious, I waited to hear Lane’s reply, but he was silent. Apparently, that was something the lone vampire wasn’t willing to explain.

  Samuel spoke again. “Julia thought the way you cover some of your kills is an interesting trick. I think you’ve given her something new to practice.”

  I sighed to myself, deciding I should return to the group. Once I was sure I was able to control myself and not say something completely stupid, I walked back. As I emerged close to the log, Kali said, “You look surprised, Lane.”

  “What’s so special about the way I cover my kills? I do my best not to draw attention, especially when there are Hunters around.”

  Gazing at Lane, I said, “I beg your pardon. It seems as if there may be some things we disagree on, but that doesn’t excuse my rude behavior.” He nodded and I thought there was a tiny smile on his lips.

  “To answer your question about your kills, it’s because I haven’t seen it done before. Samuel never taught me that. He never thought of it,” I replied.

  Samuel looked between Lane and me, and shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”

  This time I was sure I saw a smile. Of course, it appeared and disappeared so fast that one had to be looking right at him to have seen it. “I’ll have to try it sometime,” I said with a shrug.

  Lane shook his head, looking amused. “If you think knowing that will be helpful . . .” His gaze seemed appraising, as if trying to figure out what horrors had made me choose to become a vampire.

  “I’m sure it’ll be very useful. I’m always eager to learn things that can make life easier.”

  Samuel got back to his feet. “Thanks for talking, Lane. I appreciate it.”

  There was a moment of silence. “I hope you got what you came here for,” he said at last.

  “Yes. All I wanted was to talk to someone who understood.”

  “You’re the only one who’s ever had the faintest idea about how I live,” Lane said, holding his gaze a moment. A lot seemed to be said with that single shared look. When they looked away, they both had expressions of understanding, mixed with loneliness.

  “So similar; yet so different,” Kali muttered to herself. “Probably two of the most peculiar vampires on this planet; and yet a gulf separates them that cannot be bridged. . . ”

  I looked toward her, startled, but she was lost in thought. Maybe she was right. Lane and Samuel were both very different from other vampires, but despite the share qualities that set them apart from everyone else, it seemed tonight’s conversation also proved they were too different from each other to have a real kinship.

  Samuel glanced at me, then Kali. “Is there anything you want to say? Kali?”

  I shook my head. Kali looked toward them. “Thank you for talking, Lane. You’ve helped us tonight . . . more than you can ever realize,” she said.

  Lane simply shrugged as Samuel said, “All right, let’s go home.”

  I nodded, but was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to speak. I was happy they had talked, but also realized I was furious with Samuel for agreeing about us being evil. When he turned me, he had said vampires could be good or bad. Did he believe that or did he truly share Lane’s point of view? Kali had contemplated about them being the most unusual vampires, but maybe I was the unique one because I don’t believe all vampires are monsters. Doubts crept in as I wondered if my entire group actually believed that. Had I really known Samuel at all?

  His voice interrupted my musing. “See you around, Lane.”

  Lane nodded. “I’m sure,” he answered. His voice held a note of resignation. It was as if he had come to the conclusion that whether he liked it or not, he was going to be dealing with us for the foreseeable future. At least until the mutual threat disappeared, the threat that continued to plague all of us in the area.

  I looked at him. “Good night,” I said, following Kali back the way we came. Samuel followed behind us, being the last to turn away. I had to glance back just to be sure he was coming.

  We walked home in silence. And this time, everyone preferred it that way.

  Chapter 21

  Matthew wasn’t home from Villa Medici yet when we returned. Mary Anne and the others went out to feed right after our return, which suited me just fine. I was agitated, and seeing Chiara and Sandro would only annoy me more at this point.

  I retreated to my bedroom in a futile attempt to calm down. I had wanted Lane and Samuel to talk, but I had not anticipated the topic that had come up. I walked back and forth as Samuel’s words to the loner kept replaying in my head. “I’ve changed my mind somewhat, but I still occasionally think vampires in general are monsters.”

  I knew how fiercely he had fought to protect his ka-tet, but did he secretly see us as being no different from the vampires who murdered his family? Is that the way the rest felt as well? Matthew seemed to enjoy it, but maybe that was an act. It was possible that he and Mary Anne despised being vampires as much as Samuel and Lane. Would I even be questioning this if not for my actions five years ago? Would Samuel’s answer to Lane have been any different?

  I quickened my pace; wishing Matthew would get home soon. I wanted to discuss my concerns with him before I tried talking to Samuel about it, but as I waited; my desire to confront Samuel about his remarks grew. Was it possible he was only referring to me, that what I had done made him think I was evil? Or reinforced the idea that all vampires were monsters?

  How long had I been pacing? An hour? Longer? I trembled as I took in a breath. I couldn’t wait any longer. I left my room and stormed into his.

  His demeanor was exactly the opposite of mine. He was sprawled across the bed. Sitting up, he said, “Hello, Julia.” His blue eyes were the calmest I had seen in months, maybe even years.

  Seeing his expression, I tried to rein in my anger. “Are you feeling better?” I asked.

  Samuel smiled. “Surprisingly, yes, I do feel better.” He paused and his eyes pierced into mine. “You were right. Speaking to Lane helped. It was a relief to know someone understood.”

  I turned away and gazed out the window. “I’m sure it did,” I answered softly. “Someone else who thinks we’re all monsters.”

  Samuel sighed. “Julia, you don’t understand.”

  “I don’t understand? Oh, I think I understand perfectly. All this time, you reassured me that I wasn’t a monster, but you really think all vampires are fiends . . . including me,” I sn
apped.

  “You must realize the very nature of our kind is that of a monster. Vampires drink blood and revel in the power it gives. We can hypnotize and control mortals if we wish to. It is easier just to kill, get more blood that way. You did that yourself a few years ago.”

  “We try not to. And we only kill murderers or crooks . . . sometimes there’s an accident,” I argued, turning to face him again.

  He now stood next to the bed. “That would be comforting for their family to know, wouldn’t it? We drained your husband or your mother by mistake? And who made us God? What gives us any right to decide who lives and who dies?”

  “Who died and made you God?” That was a question posed to me by a human before I killed him the night Gregory had appeared to me. I scowled at Samuel. “It’s impossible to reason with you!”

  He frowned back at me. “Why are you so angry, Julia? Is it that we reminded you of an uncomfortable truth?” He paused. “Did you enjoy the power you got from killing while you were with Valentino?”

  I wanted to scream a denial, but I couldn’t. I glared at him, but replied, “It was . . . different feeding that way. The surge of power was incredible, but I decided I don’t want to be like that.”

  He stepped closer and asked, “So are you good or evil?”

  Staring at him dumbfounded, I opened and closed my mouth several times before screaming, “I made a mistake! Are you telling me you’ve never once made a mistake?”

  Samuel shook his head. “It’s not so simple when it’s put into that context, is it? Of course I’ve made my share of blunders. You march in here condemning a view Lane and I share without even trying to understand our perspective.”