The Fear of Falling

by Amanda Cowen

  I close my eyes, remembering how it felt to be with Ryan, naked and twisted together in my bed. The way he touched me, kissed me, and stroked me illuminated something inside I hadn’t felt in a long time. Feeling a pang of unexpected sadness, I close my eyes and turn away from him, needing to forget the intensity of our connection between the sheets.

  His phone vibrates on the dresser, startling me from my thoughts and also startling Ryan awake. I watch him fish blindly for it, and I catch a glimpse of Tiffany’s text messages popping up on his screen:

  Wakey Wakey Ry Ry

  What are your plans for the day?

  Beach? Beer? Babes?

  Text me!

  “Morning, Jonesy,” he grumbles, stretching his arms over his head. He smiles over in my direction, looking way too good for someone who just rolled out of bed.

  I don’t respond, because I can’t without him seeing how his nakedness affects me. Feeling flushed, I grab my clothes, walk out of the bedroom, and move down the hallway to find a bathroom with a lock on the door.

  Breakfast comes quickly, and the six of us laze around the beach house, sipping coffee and watching television. By noon, I get antsy from being indoors and suggest we head to the beach. Everyone agrees, gets changed, and grabs towels. Of course, Kale packs a cooler full of beer and brings a bag of beef jerky to snack on.

  The six of us make our way outside and onto the sand, spreading out as a group and eventually breaking off for various activities. An hour passes. Jayce and Maisie are still missing; they took a romantic walk along the boardwalk. Kale and Ryan toss a Frisbee around somewhere down the beach. Liam is belly up on a beach towel, and I’m belly down beside him, reading a mystery novel. My skin burns a little on my shoulders, so I sit up and reach for my bag to grab more sunscreen.

  “Everything okay?” Liam glances over at me.

  “Yeah,” I say raising my sunglasses to get a better look at my shoulders, both already blushing red. “Can you rub some lotion on my shoulders and back? I think I’m getting burnt.” I toss the bottle in his direction.

  He sits up and catches it with ease, smiling.

  “It would be my pleasure,” he says, squirting a quarter-sized amount into his palm. “Turn around,” he orders. I do as he says, and feel his hands rub across my shoulders and slide slowly down my back.

  “Update on our plans tonight.” Kale’s voice causes my head to snap up. “Carnival fun for everyone!”

  Ryan stands beside him, watching Liam’s hands moving along my skin. “We booked tickets for a ferry ride to Balboa Island.” His eyes darken, and he blinks once, clearing his gaze to meet mine. “You in, Jonesy?”

  I pull away from Liam’s touch. “Yeah, I’m in.”

  Liam wipes his sunscreen-smeared hands on his beach towel and stands up. “Sounds awesome,” he says, holding out his hand to me. I place my hand in his and he tugs me to my feet. “Would you do the honor, Ella Jones, and join me on a Ferris-wheel ride?”

  “Umm, sure,” I say, my voice thick with awkwardness and my pulse heavy in my throat. I am absolutely terrified of heights, but mostly falling. And falling comes hand in hand with being stuck up high, with nowhere else to go but down.

  “You’re terrified of heights,” Ryan lets out a hearty laugh, watching me closely. “Do you have any idea how high that thing goes?”

  Something about Ryan’s brash insistence sparks a false sense of courage inside me. “I can tough it out,” I give Liam a bright smile.

  “Attagirl,” he beams. “Will Tiffany and Sophia come too?”

  “Yeah, man,” Kale says. “Tonight’s my night to seal the deal with Sophia, if you know what I mean.”

  Liam nods and I roll my eyes.

  Ryan laughs and high-fives Kale. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  “Where are you going?” I ask.

  “Paddle-boarding.” Ryan answers, his tone sharp.

  “You didn’t tell me you booked a session,” I say, taking a step closer. “Perfect. Let’s go. Maisie and Jayce won’t mind. She hates water activities that don’t allow her to sit on a boat sipping white wine.”

  Kale glances awkwardly at Ryan. A strange beat passes between all four of us before Ryan speaks again. “We only booked for four people.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I say, annoyed. “That means you have two extra spots for me and Liam.”

  “We asked Tiff and Sophia to go with us,” he quips.

  “Wait. What?” I scratch the top of my head, certain that I misheard Ryan. His impassive eyes meet my angry ones. “You went ahead and booked something without asking everyone else if they wanted to go?”

  “We planned Balboa Island for everyone,” Kale says weakly.

  I glare at Ryan, unsure whether the heat on my face is a perpetual sunburn or residual anger. “You two didn’t want a couple’s trip, but you sure seem like you’re on one.”

  Ryan pauses before he speaks. “Funny. So do you.”

  We glare at each other under the hot afternoon sun, neither one of us wanting to look away first. Kale laughs off our palpable tension and places a hand on my shoulder. “Relax, Ella. We’ll be back in a few hours. We’ll see you soon.”

  I watch them walk away, arms crossed over my chest. Ryan glances back at me one last time, so I flip him the bird before flopping back down on my beach towel.

  “Whoa, Ella. Everything okay?” Liam asks, sinking down beside me.

  I slide my sunglasses back on my face. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

  Liam laughs. “I don’t know. Maybe because you just flipped Ryan the bird, and you’ve both been at each other’s throats these past few days.”

  “Yeah, because he’s being extra annoying,” I say flippantly. “Someone needs to put him in his place. Who books an excursion on a group trip without asking everyone in the group if they want to join? I’ll tell you who: a playboy asshole.”

  Liam’s lack of immediate response and ability to agree with me makes me face him.

  “Ella…” He runs a hand through his hair, and glances at me. “Should I be worried?”

  I laugh off his question. “About what? Me smothering Ryan with a pillow in his sleep?”

  Liam doesn’t laugh at my joke the way I thought he would. He sighs and gazes out to the ocean, then brings his eyes back in line with mine. He appears conflicted, as if he’s internally debating on saying the words already perched on his tongue. “I see the way he looks at you,” he finally says.

  I laugh again, one of my heartiest full-bellied laughs this time. “What? You’re crazy.”

  “Ella.”

  “Liam.”

  “Listen, I know you two are best friends but—” he starts, but I cut him off.

  “But nothing.” My voice comes out sharp. “If this is going to be an issue between us, it’s going to be a deal-breaker for me.”

  Liam clears his throat. “Your friendship with Ryan isn’t an issue—”

  “Okay, good.”

  “—unless I have a reason to worry on your end, because then that’s a deal-breaker for me,” Liam finishes.

  My smile quickly turns into a frown. I know Liam is giving me an opportunity to come clean, to tell him I’ve slept with Ryan, then to assure him it meant nothing and it will never happen again.

  But I don’t say any of those things.

  “You have nothing to worry about,” I tell him, my voice calm and steady. “He’s busy with Tiffany, remember? I promise we are just friends.”

  Liam lets out the most relieved sigh I’ve heard from him. “Okay, good.” He leans forward and kisses my forehead.

  I look straight ahead and see Ryan and Tiffany a few feet away, with Kale and Sophia paddling on boards in the middle of bay. Suddenly I’m aware of every paddle stroke he makes, every smile that graces his lips, the sound of Tiffany’s laugh. My head pounds, and I blame the heat of the afternoon sun as I grab my floppy hat, lay back down on the towel and place it over my face.

  I swear I am not shuttin
g Ryan out. Just the entire world, for a little bit.

  Chapter 14

  I’ve never traveled by ferry before. The ride passes in a blur of ocean, warm winds, strong coffee, and Liam beside me, his arm wrapped around my waist, as the bay disappears from the bow.

  Jayce leads the way off the ferry, bypassing restaurants and shops. He moves toward an area called the “Fun Zone”, an arcade in a building beside an enormous Ferris wheel and other various amusement-park rides.

  As we wait in line to purchase arcade tokens, I can’t help but watch Ryan and Tiffany. She laughs at everything he says as if he’s the most amusing person in the world, and hooks her arm around his elbow, tugging him closer to her. He glances back once to get a good look at me and Liam, but says nothing before redirecting his attention to Tiffany.

  I feel like something is really off between us. Ryan is not his usual teasing and smiley self. You’d think after the fun-filled day he had paddle-boarding with Tiffany, Kale, and Sophia, he’d be beaming from ear to ear.

  I’m still annoyed that he neglected to extend an invitation my way. He always includes me. Tiffany better not be whispering in his ear, trying to persuade him to ditch me like she did when they were still together. The thought of Ryan actually listening to her makes my skin crawl, and an unbearable heat travels from my toes all the way up to my face. I take a deep breath, resisting the urge to grab the first Whack-A-Mole hammer I could find to knock Tiffany in the head.

  “Yay for carnival games,” she exclaims as we walk into the arcade. Dimly lit and full of flashing lights and noise, I stuff my tokens into my purse, trying to calm my breathing, only to look up to see Ryan watching me. I swear, based on the slight smug smile on his face, he must be able to read my thoughts.

  “Will you win me a big-ass teddy bear?” Maisie smiles at Jayce.

  “I’ll try my best, babe,” he says, laughing.

  “Think you could use those big arms of yours to win me something, too?” Sophia asks Kale.

  “Hell yeah,” he says, smacking her ass. “I’ll win you the biggest stuffy in this place.”

  Sophia giggles and kisses his cheek. They take off together in pursuit of rollerball, while Maisie and Jayce break away to a game of Pac-Man, leaving me, Liam, Ryan and Tiffany awkwardly huddled together.

  “What are you starting with, mate?” Liam asks Ryan.

  He shrugs, “I don’t know. Maybe Basketball Toss.” He smiles over at me, mischief twinkling behind his dark eyes. “What do you think, Jonesy?”

  He’s challenging me, and playing into my competitive spirit. He knows Basketball Toss is my favorite game, and will occupy me for hours in an arcade. Last semester, we spent an entire night in front of the Basketball Toss at Dave and Buster’s. We made one monetary bet after another, rolled into the best two out of three, then the best five out of seven and so on, before a crowd of unfamiliar faces formed around us to see who would take home the championship. Ryan ended up winning—a fluke—like he normally does. He has horseshoes up his ass to make up for his lack of talent. Not only did I owe him one-hundred dollars, I also had to buy him a pitcher of beer, a pound of wings, and then kiss him on the cheek in front of everyone and say out loud, ‘You are the most amazing human on the planet’.

  To say I want redemption would be an understatement.

  I stare at him. “I think you’re a pompous ass who thinks you can beat me just because you lucked out last time.”

  Ryan laughs his heartiest, full-bellied laugh, his eyes sparkling at me. “That wasn’t luck, sweetheart. That was pure skill. But if that’s what you need to tell yourself to sleep at night…” his voice trails off into a chuckle.

  Tiffany laughs at this, tossing her head back slightly. She threads her fingers through his then places her free hand on his chest, palm flat. My brows draw together as I watch her be so enthralled with Ryan. Even after my ability to ignore her today, I’m still struggling to not let her affect me. Her need to always touch him is pathetic.

  “I don’t have to tell myself anything,” I sternly say. “It’s the truth.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Alright then. You and me, let’s toss it out.”

  Ryan takes a step in my direction, but Liam steps in front of him. “Nah, I think me and you should toss it out this time, mate.” His voice is both playful and challenging.

  Ryan cocks his head to the side, as if he doesn’t believe for a second that Liam is serious. “Uh, this is kind of an ongoing thing between me and Ella -”

  “It’s only fair I defend her honor,” Liam cuts him off, then winks at me before turning back to Ryan. “Or are you scared I’ll kick your ass?” he chirps.

  Ryan laughs. “Ah, no. It’s just…”

  “Just what?”

  Ryan gazes at me, his pulse visibly throbbing on his neck. He blows out a short breath and looks back at Liam, “Alright. Okay. Fine,” he says, chest out. “But what’s in it for me?”

  “Whatever your little heart desires,” Liam chuckles.

  Ryan taps his index finger on his lips, then smiles mischievously. “If I win, Jonesy doesn’t ride the Ferris wheel with you. She stays on solid ground with me and you can ride with Tiff, or whatever.”

  “Ryan!” she shouts, shocked.

  “Shhh, relax,” he whispers in her ear. “You’ll survive without me.”

  Liam’s eyes narrow and his jaw clenches. “Okay, hotshot. But if I win…Ella sleeps in my bedroom tonight.”

  I feel something close to nausea swirl in the pit of my stomach upon seeing the contorted look of anger bloom on Ryan’s face. Taking a step forward to stand beside Liam, I nervously fiddle with them hem of my t-shirt. It isn’t hard to conclude that Liam is purposely pushing Ryan’s buttons.

  When I meet Ryan’s eyes, I feel the first pang of uncertainty. Liam’s competitive demeanor is a little off-putting. But I tell myself it’s just some of the usual male rivalry, and has zero to do with our little chat on the beach earlier.

  “Ryan,” Tiffany gasps, annoyed by his impenetrable silence. “Aren’t you going to take the bet?”

  “Nah, I don’t think so,” he finally says, shaking his head. “You can’t override a previous bet with a new bet. It’s against betting law or something like that. Pick something else.”

  “There is no such thing as a betting law,” Liam arrogantly laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s my stipulation. Take it or leave it.”

  Ryan’s mouth twitches, and he glances over at me. “You okay with this?”

  I have no idea what to say. I’m a little shocked by Liam’s persistence. Even though I feel a bit uneasy about their respective wagers and what it means for me, of course I would like to see them battle it out. I live for anything competitive.

  I swallow my nerves and give Ryan my best poker face. “I can’t wait for Liam to kick your cocky ass.”

  Ryan scoffs and shoots daggers in my direction. “Hand me my tokens, Tiff.”

  We locate two side-by-side Basketball Toss machines. Ryan and Liam shake hands and slip their tokens inside the slots.

  “Best two out of three,” Ryan says as basketballs slide through the gate.

  “You’re on,” Liam laughs, scooping up a basketball.

  The timer goes off and both of them start sinking basketballs in a race against the clock. My heart seesaws between the two of them and flutters around in my chest as I watch Ryan beating Liam on the scoreboard. I feel both anxious and ridiculous, if the combination is even possible.

  The buzzer goes off, with Ryan sinking in three more basketballs than Liam. Ryan shoots his fists in the air before shouting, “One down, one to go.”

  Tiffany claps, jumping up and down like his personal cheerleader. “Way to go, Ry Ry!”

  Ryan leans forward and ruffles the top of my head. “See that, Jonesy? You’ll be my roommate for life at this rate.”

  “Alright, jackass,” Liam places a palm on Ryan’s chest and shoves him backward. “Round two, me and you. Let’s go.�
��

  Ryan pulls out another token from his pocket and holds it in front of Tiffany’s lips. “Go ahead, doll. Kiss it for good luck.”

  My chest constricts, all the air draining from my lungs as Tiffany leans forward and kisses his golden token. Liam’s eyes move across my face and stop on Ryan’s. Even with only the light of flashy arcade games illuminating the room, I can see Liam’s temper flaring.

  They each insert a token into a machine. The timer goes off again and basketballs are released, tossed, and sunk. When the buzzer sounds, Liam wins the second game and outsinks Ryan by two shots. He mutters a curse word and rakes a hand through his hair. Tiffany ensures him he’s got the next round, but Ryan shrugs her off, clearly irritated.

  Liam whispers in my ear, “Don’t worry, Ella. There’s no way in hell I’m letting him win this time.”

  Goosebumps spread across my skin as Liam pulls away and flashes another token at Ryan. “Let’s end this, mate. Next one to win wins it all.”

  He glances over at Liam with a forced smile. “Get ready to lose, Aussie boy.”

  Liam simply turns away from him and on the count of three they both slip a token into the machine. Basketballs are fired like bullets. Every ball sunk pushes them to victory on the scoreboard as the clock ticks down.

  Tiffany cheers Ryan on, but I remain silent, biting my fingernails and struggling internally with who I want to win. My head tells me to cheer for Liam, but my heart painfully pulses for Ryan.

  The buzzer sounds and the final score is plastered on the scoreboard. Liam beat Ryan by a single shot.

  Ryan whips a basketball hard at an empty net and curses again. Liam cheers, picks me up by the butt and spins me around, placing a kiss on my lips before guiding me back to the ground.

  The second my feet touch the floor, my eyes find Ryan’s glaring in our direction.

  “Good game, mate.” Liam extending a hand to Ryan. “Looks like you’re sleeping in an empty bedroom tonight, though.”

  Ryan hesitates for a moment before shaking Liam’s hand. “You win some, you lose some. But one thing my bedroom won’t be is empty.” He winks at Tiffany and she giggles. My heart unwillingly tightens in my chest, and I refuse to meet Ryan’s eyes, even though I can feel them on me.