The Fear of Falling

by Amanda Cowen

  Maisie’s voice comes from my right. “Hey guys!”

  We all turn to see her and Jayce walking toward us. Maisie is holding a teddy bear.

  “Look at what Jayce won for me,” she beams.

  “You’re such a good boyfriend,” I tease him.

  He shrugs. “Meh, I try.” He alternately looks at the four of us. “Why do you look so pissed, Ryan?”

  “I just kicked his butt in a friendly game of Basketball Toss,” Liam gloats.

  Jayce laughs. “Way to go, Liam. No one has ever beaten Ryan.”

  Ryan looks at Liam angrily, and I catch Maisie curiously observing us four as well.

  “Let’s find Kale and Sophia and take a ride on the Ferris wheel,” Liam suggests, draping an arm across my shoulders. “I can’t wait to take a celebratory ride with my girl,” he says, emphasizing the last two words.

  I don’t even dare look in Ryan’s direction because I can already feel his stare burning into me.

  “You do realize a Ferris wheel stops at the top while people unload. You’re going to be suspended high in the sky for a long period of time,” Ryan says to me. “You can’t even stand on the third step of a ladder without freaking out.”

  I swallow my nervousness. I realize it’s high, but how bad could it be? I’ll be strapped into a bucket and with Liam. Besides, I need to conquer my fear of heights sometime. Why not today?

  “She’ll be fine.” Liam kisses me on my forehead. “Right, Ella?”

  I nod.

  Liam leads the way out of the arcade into the warm evening air.

  _______

  I don’t want to open my eyes to see how high up we are. I am shaking beside Liam on the Ferris wheel, and wishing I never agreed to this. And even though part of me feels like I am confronting my fear, the other part feels like it’s in sheer panic mode, and desperate to get off this damn thing.

  Liam pulls me close and whispers in my ear, “You can open your eyes. I promise you are safe.”

  I’m tense, and my breathing is tight. I’m scared to move because even the slightest shift causes the entire bucket to rock back and forth. Going around in a few circles wasn’t so bad. Liam distracted me for the most part, chatting away and bragging about his win over Ryan. It isn’t until we stop to wait for our turn to unload from the ride that I become anxious for this to end. I slowly open my eyes, and glance up at Liam. He leans forward and tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

  “See, it isn’t that bad,” he says. “Just take a look at our beautiful view.”

  Granted, the view is beautiful: ocean for miles, white yachts, rolling hills, million-dollar homes, sunset in the distance. But even Liam’s strong and warm presence isn’t enough to make me feel any better. Just knowing how high up we are makes me feel queasy.

  I look down to see Kale and Sophia cuddled up two buckets ahead; and Maisie and Jayce above them, admiring the view.

  And just like that, the entire Ferris wheel shifts forward to release another set of passengers. I let out a shrill scream, anxious from the sudden movement. My entire body starts shaking, my mind races, and my heart pounds, all the air evaporating from my lungs. Liam’s grip tightens on my shoulders. “Hey, relax. They’re just unloading the first passengers. No need to worry.”

  But it’s not just worry. It’s a paralyzing fear consuming every single inch of my body. I’m way higher up than I realized we’d be. Panic starts to rise in my throat, and a nervous swoop takes over my body. I don’t want to look down, but I do…

  “Jonesy, you okay?” Ryan’s voice shouts from behind me. He knows exactly how heights affect me, and the concern in his voice doesn’t go unnoticed.

  My head snaps up, my mind spinning and dizzy. I shouldn’t have looked down.

  “Jonesy!” Ryan shouts again. I know he is sitting in the bucket directly behind us with Tiffany. Hearing her giggling the entire ride hasn’t made my time up here any less nauseating. I can’t even try to turn around to face him because I am frozen with panic. Never mind forming words; my voice is ruined with anxiety.

  “She’s fine,” Liam answers for me, even though I am totally not fine. In fact, I’m the opposite of fine. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I’m certain this is what one feels like. “No need to worry, mate. She’s in good hands.”

  I can feel Ryan’s angry stare at the back of Liam’s head without even seeing his face. I wish I could say something to ease his mind, but my throat is constricted, making it hard to breathe. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes.

  “Ella. Hey! Are you okay?” he shouts again, ignoring Liam. “Ella! Hey. Answer me.”

  I’m sobbing and shaking now. As strange as it sounds, hearing Ryan’s voice made me feel like it was okay to not be fine and I can finally have my breakdown. I can feel Liam holding me close, and I can hear him whispering things into my ear. I can also hear Maisie from the bucket below telling me the ride is almost over, and everything will be okay. But mostly, I can hear Ryan,. His booming, authoritative voice hollers down at the Ferris wheel operator, insisting he transfer my bucket down immediately and have me removed from the ride.

  Suddenly, the Ferris wheel shifts into full motion, circling 180 degrees before our bucket comes to a stop at the exit ramp. The operator lifts our safety bar and I tumble out, ears buzzing, tears falling, and body shaking. My legs feel fizzy, like I can’t control them any more. They turn numb, leaden, wanting to do their own thing.

  Liam’s footsteps follow behind me and then his hand is on my shoulder, asking me if I’m going to be okay. I shrug away from him, trying my best to regain control of my breathing and, most importantly, my footing. His touch is not comforting. It feels restricting and foreign as I try my best to calm myself down. I collapse on a park bench, shoulders hunched, and drop my head between my hands.

  I hear Ryan’s voice shouting for people to move out of his way before he’s by my side, holding me in his arms. I take my first real breath of air and sink against him, tears falling down my cheeks. I close my eyes, dizzy with relief.

  “Ella. You’re okay,” Warm lips press to my forehead, a fingertip smoothing the skin on my bare shoulder. “You’re okay now,” he whispers again.

  I look up at him, seeing visible concern glowing behind his dark eyes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so distraught. It takes several long seconds before I can speak. “I… I had to get down,” I say, a little breathless. My muscles start to relax as I regain sensation in my legs and feel my feet on solid ground. I can breathe again, and my mind clears. “I think I had a panic attack. I just… I don’t know… I was fine…. and then we stopped, and we were stuck much higher than I expected… the bucket was teetering… I just had to get down.”

  Ryan presses his head against mine. “I knew it was a fucking terrible idea for you to ride on the Ferris wheel.”

  Liam’s body shifts in front of us. The remnants of the sun were blocked by his tall athletic build as he stands over the bench. I glance up at him, trying to keep my features relaxed, my exhales even, because I don’t want him to think Ryan is the only reason I’ve regained my senses. He looks a little hurt, really worried and even a bit deflated. Everyone else is standing behind him now, including Tiffany, her eyes blazing in my direction, her lips pressed into a fine line.

  “Geez, Ella. I’m so sorry.” I hear the regret in Liam’s words. I feel so embarrassed that he saw me suffer through a panic attack. He sits down on my other side, leaving a few inches between us. “I wouldn’t have asked you to ride if I knew you suffered from acrophobia.”

  “I only mentioned it a few times,” Ryan scoffs.

  “It’s not your fault,” I tell Liam, because it really isn’t. I wanted to conquer my fear of heights, or acrophobia or whatever it’s called, but today just wasn’t that day.

  “I feel horrible,” he says. “I’m just so sorry…seeing you like that… it was awful.”

  “I’m fine now.” My voice wobbles a little.
>
  “Can I get you a glass of water? A soda? Anything?” he asks.

  I can feel Ryan watching our entire interaction. His arm was still firmly clamped around my shoulders, holding me close.

  “Water would be great, please and thank you.”

  Liam walks over to a vending machine a few feet away. Maisie steps closer to me and Ryan. “Maybe Liam should bring you back to the beach house,” she suggests.

  “Nah, he’s already done enough,” Ryan says, miffed. “I’ll bring you back.”

  Liam reappears, holding a bottle of water. “Bring who back where?”

  “Nowhere. I’m fine.” I take the water bottle from him and sip from it. “I already feel much better. Thank you.”

  “Are you sure, Ella?” Kale pipes up from a few feet away.

  “Yes. I’m positive.”

  The next two hours pass at a snail’s pace. Everyone else is back inside the arcade playing games and winning prizes. I’m sitting quietly by a coin machine, trying to forget my embarrassing reaction on the Ferris wheel. A particularly touchy-feely Tiffany hangs all over Ryan as he plays on a pinball machine. Her thick curly blonde hair, luminous cat-like green eyes, and to-die-for body was just all over his. Of course, his panty-dropping smile is in full-force as he charms her unconscious for the entire evening.

  We make our way down the pier to a cute little pub, where a hostess leads our group to a table on the patio. We spend the rest of the night chatting, eating and drinking. On the ferry ride back, I sit with Maisie, picking away at a bag of cotton candy on her lap. I feel emotionally and physically exhausted as we walk down the boardwalk and back to the beach house.

  “Sophia, Tiffany, are you coming in for a drink?” Kale asks.

  “Yeah, of course,” Sophia gushes.

  “Really, man? Another late night?” Jayce asks, pushing open the front door. “I was hoping we could call it an early one.”

  “Yeah, I’m so tired from all the sun,” Maisie groans.

  Our group makes our way through the entryway and into the living room.

  “Go to bed, then,” Kale flops down on the sofa. Sophia follows, straight onto his lap. “The rest of us can stay up. Maybe even get wet and wild in the hot tub.”

  Sophia playfully smacks his shoulder. “You’re soooo bad.”

  “Whatever, we’re going to bed,” Jayce says, tugging Maisie by the hand. “Try to keep the noise down. Goodnight, guys.”

  Maisie yawns and gives us a wave before they disappear up the stairs.

  Tiffany beams. “Let’s crack open something to drink, strip down and get comfortable in the hot tub. Ryan, you in?”

  He looks over at me. “What about you, Jonesy? You staying up?”

  “I don’t think so, I’m pretty tired—” I start to tell him, but Liam interrupts.

  “Yeah, we’re both pretty tired,” he says. “Want to Netflix and Chill?” he asks me.

  “Be prepared for us to join the party if you plan on watching Netflix in the living room,” Ryan laughs. “This party ain’t stopping for nobody.” Kale and the girls cheer like he’s the Party King or something.

  “Actually, we’re heading up to our bedroom. I brought my iPad with me,” Liam says.

  Ryan’s eyes move to my hip, where Liam’s hand rests. He angrily glares at me, and straightens his stance. Tiffany leans forward and nips at his neck, and I suppress the need to roll my eyes at her desperation. I am getting tired of this routine with Ryan and his disapproving glares when it comes to Liam, yet I can’t say ‘boo’ to the ditsy girls he always surrounds himself with.

  “Whatever,” Kale waves us off. “You guys suck.”

  “Good night,” Liam says, guiding me up the stairs.

  I look back at Ryan, expecting him to shrink away and leave. But he doesn’t; he stays in place, watching me as I move up the staircase, his eyes never leaving mine. I’m surprised to feel my heart beating rapidly.

  Stop. I tell myself. It’s just Ryan. I keep on saying it to myself, like if I say it enough times, I’ll believe it, which is the complete opposite of what I want right now. I wish Ryan would challenge my decision to take off with Liam, like he always does. I want him to stop me and insist I stay.

  This realization frightens me, and I quickly pull my eyes away from his, feeling torn in two different directions. There is no logical explanation for this other than temporary insanity for wanting Ryan to be the one guiding me up in the stairs instead.

  Which is ridiculous.

  Because I do not have romantic feelings for Ryan.

  Chapter 15

  Liam changes into a pair of boxer briefs and a white-t-shirt, trying his best to seduce me without actually making any strong moves just yet. This is probably because I changed into the least suggestive outfit I could find: a pair of pajama shorts and a baggy t-shirt Ryan gave a few years back that reads Sun’s Out, Buns Out, with a graphic of a hotdog inside a bun and a little bit of mustard squiggle on top. Not exactly sexy bedtime attire.

  But whatever was causing Liam’s snarky and competitive behavior earlier seems to have righted itself; he’s happier and less irritable. Our conversation is light and bubbly, and neither Ryan nor his win at Basketball Toss is mentioned again.

  We casually flip though Netflix, cuddle up and chat during our search for the perfect movie. We eventually agree on a comedy from the ’90s. He snuggles close to me and pulls the twin-mattress comforter on top of us on a twin mattress.

  I appear calm and relaxed on the outside, but inside I am a mess. I am trying my best to pay attention to the movie, and feel something when Liam presses a kiss on my temple. But all I can focus on is the music blaring from downstairs, the hot tub running outside, female giggles, and bottles being cracked open. Everything happening downstairs is somehow intensified, as if I’ve developed a superhero power to pick up sounds outside the normal frequency range.

  And when Liam laughs at a funny scene in the movie, the opposite effect happens. His laughter sounds like it’s somewhere off in the distance, not directly in my ear.

  My attention is torn, even more so when I hear Kale cheering on the girls to “grind against each other” to an old-school rap song. My mind flips through the possible scenarios leading up to this outrageous girl-on-girl action/dance party happening below us. My heart pounds and my jaw clenches thinking about Ryan sandwiched between the two of them bumping and grinding.

  Liam decides to make a move halfway through the movie. He runs a fingertip down my arm, then slowly leans over to kiss me on the lips. I kiss him back for a few breaths before pulling away. My lips sting with panic.

  I make up an excuse that I need to use to the bathroom. I scoot out of bed and down the hallway, forcing myself not to peek downstairs as I pass by an open railing overlooking the living room.

  I lean against the bathroom sink with my palms down and take a deep breath. I tell myself I can do this. I can fool around with Liam and not let what is happening downstairs affect me, because that would mean Ryan is affecting me. I splash some cold water on my face, put my hair up into a messy bun, and sneak back under the covers with Liam.

  He picks up where we left off, leaning over and kissing me again, this time with a little more tongue. His hands slide along my hips, my butt, and my legs, but I just can’t get into it. When his hands slide under the hem of my shirt, his palm against my bare skin, I panic again. Something feels off.

  A loud thud followed by laughter coming from downstairs causes us both to pull away from each other. Liam cocks an eyebrow. “What the hell was that?”

  “Holy shit. Are you okay, Tiffany?” I can hear Kale’s voice, half-shouting and half-laughing.

  “That’s why dancing on a table is dangerous,” Sophia laughs.

  Nausea hits me, my stomach swirling uncontrollably. All I can think of is Ryan having the time of his life downstairs with Tiffany while I’m up here in full-panic mode.

  “Ryan, help her up,” Kale says.

  I hear footsteps, then Tif
fany laughing. “Okay, I’m good. Ryan, can you get me another drink?”

  I swallow hard, unable to look at Liam. “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling it tonight. It's a little hard when there's a party going on downstairs.” I try to keep my voice steady, but slide further away, putting a little space between us. “Can we just watch the movie instead?”

  It takes a few moments for Liam to reply. “Um. Yeah, sure.” He seems a bit frustrated, but he respects my wishes and lies back down.

  Time passes by with Liam cuddling against me until the noises from downstairs are replaced by his soft snores. I lay listening to muffled voices and the clinking of glasses, unable to tune them out. I toss and turn for what feels like hours, wishing Liam never won Basketball Toss. How the hell am I supposed to share a twin mattress with a snorer?

  I can’t sleep like this.

  “How far is your hotel from here?”

  Kale’s voice is now coming from the entryway.

  “A couple blocks. We could totally walk there,” Sophia hiccups.

  “Okay. Come on, let’s go,” Kale says. “Time for the real fun to begin.”

  Sophia giggles, “I sure do like the sound of that.”

  I hear fumbling footsteps, a few giggles, and the sound of the front door closing. Jealousy warms my blood and jolts me awake faster than Liam’s snores filling the tiny bedroom. I sit on the bed, my knees drawn to my chin, silently telling myself to calm down. To not let the thought of Ryan leaving with Tiffany to have hotel-room sex with her consume me, because it shouldn’t. Ryan can do whatever he wants with whomever he wants. We are just friends. So why do I need to keep on reminding myself of that?

  I take a deep breath and lie back down. I close my eyes and breathe, forcing out thoughts of Ryan kissing, touching and – fucking. Ugh!

  I am in serious need of some fresh air. I’m suffocating, lying here in darkness. I can’t sleep. My mind and heart won’t stop racing.

  Tears prick my eyes, but I force them back and sit up. I slowly move off the bed and press my toes onto the hardwood floor, shuffling little by little out of Liam’s bedroom, into the hallway, and down the staircase.