by Ryan Michele
Green is out in the waiting room, and I need to step out of this building on my own two feet. No one at my side. Just me, by myself in a community that I’m used to and have been in since I was born. I know this town like the back of my hand and here in the center are lots of shops. I need to see if I can handle it on my own out there. That I have that independence from Green. That I’m not using him as a crutch.
He can’t know until I’m gone because he won’t leave me to it. He’ll be right by my side, exactly where I’d like him to be, but I need to do this on my own.
Yes, I haven’t been out like this in months. Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m terrified. Yes, I’m going to do this. I’m going to put myself out there and see that nothing happens to me. That I can walk into a store and buy something without someone pulling a knife out on me. The people around me will look at me; I do know this mostly because of the one scar on my cheek that bubbled over. But I can do this. No, I will do this.
“I want to go out that way, but I don’t want you to tell Green right away. I want you to wait about fifteen minutes before going out into the waiting room and telling him that I’ve left.”
She shakes her head, disagreeing, “I’m not sure this is a great idea, Leah. You haven’t been out by yourself.”
“Then I should see about that. See what the world has for me.”
Anne rises, coming to me. “And you’re not the least bit scared about this?”
“Oh, I’m terrified, but if I don’t do it, I’ll never know that I can do things on my own without Green. I’ll never know that I can walk outside of these doors and feel like I’m not going to be attacked without Green’s protection.”
“And all of this is going to help you in your decision to go with him or stay here?” she questions.
“Nope. I have no idea what it’s going to do, but I won’t know until I try.”
“Do you have a cell with you?”
I angle my head to the couch where my purse lay. “Yep.”
Worry mars her face, and I can’t blame her in the least. This is a big jump, one I’m not one hundred percent about, but it needs to be done.
“Are you with me?” I ask her. I’m an adult so really she can’t say much about my comings and goings, but I’d like to have her approval so the feelings of guilt don’t hit where it comes to Green.
“What do I tell him?”
A lightness comes over me and I’m not sure from where, but it’s welcome.
“That I wanted to go out shopping, and I’ll meet him back at my place in a few hours.” Hours? Really? I’m going to stay out that long? Nerves crackle and twist. It takes everything inside of me not to cower away and forget all of it. Forget the suggestion and run back to my apartment and hide.
“And how do you think he’s going to handle this?”
A small smile tilts the corner of my mouth. “He’ll be mad, but it’s only because he cares.”
“Did you hear what you just said there? He cares.”
I walk over to my purse and pick it up, not commenting on what just came from my lips. If I don’t do this now, I’m going to chicken out and it’ll be all for nothing.
“Can you please show me the way out?”
She heaves out a deep breath. “Of course.”
Once she does, I’m on the elevator going down to the bottom floor. Stepping out of the building, my nerves amp up and my eyes dart everywhere. No one is looking at me or paying me any attention. Steeling up my resolve, I move out to shop, hoping Green won’t hate me for this. And if he does, I’ll need to figure out a way to explain it to him.
17
Green
Waiting rooms suck. I’ve spent way too much fucking time in them. This one is small with tan walls and some kind of art on them. There are about ten chairs and two are occupied by women on the other side of me. They seem to be together, but who knows.
Other than the occasional word between the women, the place is as quiet as a morgue.
The time is coming for me to leave Florida. I know it. She knows it. It’s been the elephant in the room for the past week plus, neither of us wanting to talk about it. More like avoiding it like the plague.
I wish she would just come with me. The thoughts of just putting her on my bike are now even more appealing. Trying to be the good guy here is hard as fuck. Only for Leah would I wade through so much shit. She’s worth it. I just wish she’d know she is. That’s going to be my goal in the next couple of days.
My hand glides over my face. I only have a couple of days and I have to get back. Fuck.
The door opens. I stand and move toward Anne. There’s a tingle at the back of my neck as I look around her and don’t see Leah.
Anne’s eyes are worried. All of this not settling one bit.
“Where is she?” I demand and notice Anne take a deep breath. Why is it you know when a big blow is coming and no matter how much you say that you can hack it, it always seems to knock the wind out of ya.
“Green, she asked me to tell you that she wanted to go out shopping for a while and will meet you back at her apartment in a couple of hours.”
I want to reach out and strangle this woman as hot lava melts the inside of me. Jacks told me once that I was someone different when anger took over. I just felt like me.
“Are you fucking kidding me!” I roar as Anne takes a step back, and the women behind me gasp. “She hasn’t been out by herself since before they hurt her, and you just let her go!”
“Green, I need you to calm down.”
My body vibrates as I clench my fists. A person shouldn’t be this angry, to the point where nothing else in the world matters except one thing. That everything on earth could be destroyed around me and still, my focus would be on Leah.
“Calm down? Are you fucking kidding me! How the hell did she get out?” I charge through the doorway they use for therapy and instantly see the extra door. “Son of a motherfucker!”
“Green, please, you’re scaring my other clients.”
“Scaring them?” I look over at the women. “Don’t trust this fuckin’ woman. She’s a damn moron.”
Anne crosses her arms over her chest. “She needed space and time to sort herself out. She’s my client and I work with her, not you. You get no say.”
“The fuck I don’t!” I roar. “How long ago?”
“About fifteen minutes ago.”
It takes every ounce of strength to hold back from punching this bitch in the face and flattening her out. It’s a very thin thread, but it’s saving her this time.
“You’d better fuckin’ hope I find her and she’s okay. If she’s not, I’ll be back.”
Her body turns stock-still, and I don’t give a fuck. Flying out the door, I see the one that Leah went out of. I pull out my phone and dial her number. It goes to voicemail where I leave a ‘Fuckin’ call me, Leah’ message.
Storming out of the building, Leah is nowhere in sight. Hundreds of people and no Leah. My heart thumps quickly as the adrenaline spikes. I have to find my girl and tan her hide. Not that I’d lay a finger on her, but hell I’d like to right now.
Right away I pull out my phone calling Buzz, one of my brothers who is a techmaster. I need him to see if Leah has a tracking device on her phone. Most people do when the phone is turned on. It could help.
Buzz has no luck, meaning her phone is off. Fuck me.
An hour now I’ve been looking with no luck. How could she be like a grain of sand and slip through my fingers? I head to her apartment hoping like hell she’s there and safe.
Pulling up to her apartment, I park the bike and race up to her door, letting myself in. When I do, the world tilts on its axis and not in a good way. Leah’s apartment is destroyed. Dishes are smashed on the floor in pieces along with the glasses. Sheets are shredded on the bed along with both Leah and my clothes from the small closet. The couch is overturned with stuffing coming out of everywhere, and there are only splintered pieces of wood left of the table and chairs.
Colorful spray paint covers the walls, but it’s the words ‘I’ll get you, bitch’ that stand out among the other derogatory phrases. The only trouble Leah’s had, has been with the Red Devils MC and those assholes who touched her. Cruz smoothed everything over with their president, or at least I thought.
I search what’s left for any sign that Leah was here when this asshole was and come up with nothing. Dialing her number, it goes right to voicemail again and I want to rip the entire place apart even more. If someone has her, I’ll break them. I’ll dismantle them limb from limb. I’ll make them feel the pain that I can inflict on those who cross me.
Grabbing my phone with sweaty hands, I dial Leah’s mother thinking maybe she called them and went there. It’s a long shot, but I’m working with nothing. Instead of getting answers, her parents are on their way over and are hysterical. Great. All calling them did was make me more rattled by the fact she left without telling me. I try to tap the fear down, but it’s riding hard and fast.
“Green,” Cruz answers on the first ring.
I pace the place, kicking broken pieces of everything out of my path. “Brother, did you get shit figured out with the Red Devils?”
He pauses briefly which is the indication of him thinking well and good about the information he’s giving. “Yeah. Already told ya that.”
Letting out a heavy breath, I charge, “Someone broke into Leah’s place, destroyed it, and wrote ‘I’ll get you, bitch,’ on the wall. Only people I can think that would want to hurt Leah would be the Red Devils.”
“What is she saying?” Cruz asks with a sharp tone, and I can hear him shuffling around on the other end.
“That’s the thing! I can’t fuckin’ find her!” I growl then tell him about how she evaded me, me looking for her and all the other bullshit.
Cruz practically growls, “I’ll call their president, and we’ll be there as fast as we can. Sit tight,” then hanging up the phone. My gut twists, running through the scenarios of what could be happening to Leah. Her body mutilated like before only this time not surviving. Parts of her body decimated and pulled limb from limb. Instead of knives, they use fire or acid or one of the thousands of other things someone could do to my girl.
I pace the place, door open and looking out the windows, thinking I should probably be out there looking for her, but I’ve done that and came up empty.
Why did she have to do this?
What was so fucking important she had to sneak out instead of just talking to me?
My mind keeps flying as I kick the scraps of debris on the floor and against the wall. Staring at the clock, it’s only been five minutes. Seriously! A low growl comes from deep in my chest. It’s not just anger, it’s frustration and fear. She should be in my arms instead of out there with me having no clue where she is.
“Fuck!” I cry out, kicking the bathroom door so hard my boot goes through the thin wood.
“Oh my God!” is gasped behind me as I turn around quickly, knowing that voice. Leah stands at the door with her hand over her mouth and eyes as round as saucers. And I have no fucks left to give.
In four quick strides, I pull her into my arms, wrapping her up tight. The pit of fear starts to unravel as I hold her to me not letting her move an inch. Her body begins to tremble under my touch.
“What did you do to my place?” she says, obviously looking over my shoulder. “Wait, you didn’t do this…” Leah trails off as I pull her away from my body to look at her shocked and stricken face.
I pull away just a bit, but her focus is on the room.
“First, no I didn’t do shit. Some asshole came into your place and fucked it up. Don’t know if you have anything to salvage. Second, I’m so fuckin’ pissed at you right now and have been so fuckin’ worried since that bitch of a shrink told me you took off.”
Leah shakes her head, and small pieces of her hair fall from her low ponytail, sweeping across her face. “I had to think. Who did this, Green?”
She pulls from my grasp, moving over to the bed and picking up a scrap of her bedding then dropping it back down.
A frustrated breath escapes me and as pissed as I am, I have bigger fish to fry. “I’m thinkin’ the Red Devils.” I look deep into her eyes, both fear and anger swirling around in them. “Know you have a lot in that head right now, but I’m gettin’ you away from here, then we talk.”
“What? Where?”
This time I smile. “Back to Sumner.”
18
Leah
This ride isn’t as calm as the others I’ve had with Green. No, this one is full of tension that rolls off of both Green and I. So much so, how we stay balanced on the bike is beyond me. It has to be his sheer strength that’s keeping us afloat.
Someone came into my place and left nothing except a few pictures that fell out of frames when they were smashed to the ground and a few random pieces of clothing. There was hardly anything for me to pack. My toothbrush sat on the counter in the bathroom, but no way was I trusting that.
Everything we had will have to be rebought. But it’s just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. Green or I—cannot. Paint can cover the words on the walls, but it doesn’t mean I don’t remember what was said.
After Green mentioned the Red Devils, I was ready to get on the back of his bike and just go. Actually, before I got home I decided on my long walk that I wanted to go with him. This incident just solidified it.
Green is smart, so I had to take a taxi to the other side of the city and do some shopping there, knowing he’d check every place around Anne’s office. I was terrified, but with each step, I felt myself loosening up to the fear. It was an independence that I forgot about.
During that time, I thought a lot about him and me and my life and his life. I thought about the wrongs that happened to me and the fact that I can’t keep wallowing in this sea of shit and think that it will go away.
It’s not going away. It’s part of who I am, but it does not define me or who I am as a person. It only gets to keep control of my life, if I allow it to. It only can pull me in, if I allow it to. It can only feed more fear and pain, if I allow it to. It can only breed and fester inside of my soul, if I allow it to.
What I decided on my small trip is that I want to be with Green. I want to start my life again and begin living it. Only one kind of man stands by a woman like me, and Green is it. He is one you keep and never let go.
I give a squeeze to Green who reaches over and does the same to my thigh. That little gesture reassures me once again that I’ve made the right choice. The right decision to leave everything behind.
Even in all the chaos and fear, he is my calm.
It was going to be my exciting thing to tell him once I got home. Unfortunately, some asshole, or assholes, had other things in mind with my place. I won’t lie and say I’m not afraid because I am. I’m afraid of them getting me. I’m afraid of them hurting me. I’m afraid of being anywhere near them.
The biggest one—I’m afraid of Green getting hurt. I’ve lived through it once, but to have Green go through it—no. That can’t happen. I really hoped my involvement with the Red Devils was done after what those three did to me. I thought I’d suffered enough, and Green told me it was all taken care of. Guess it wasn’t. Not that I’m mad at him for that; it just puts another layer of shit on me that I’ve wanted to scrape off.
Green had just gotten off the phone with Cruz when my parents showed up just as we were leaving.
“Oh, baby!” my mother cries out, running up to me and wrapping her arms around my body tight, my dad fast on her heels.
“What’s going on here?” my father asks Green and not me.
Green moves to my side as my mother pulls back from me. “Told ya on the phone, now I gotta get Leah outta here.”
“Where were you?” my mother asks.
“I’m fine. I just needed some time alone. I had no idea this was going on or I would’ve never left him.”
A warm arm comes around my b
ody. It’s comforting, but it feels more like protection than anything.
“I’m takin’ her to Sumner with me.”
My mother looks stricken, while my father nods to Green. “Daddy, are you good with this?”
“Sweetheart, any man who sticks by my daughter day in and day out has my vote.”
To this, I smile and run into his arms and hug him tightly. “I’ll come back.”
“I have no doubt you’ll be back to visit.” My father looks relieved, while my mother has tears in her eyes. They love me and I know none of this has been easy for them, but they are with me a hundred percent.
“Love you.”
“Love you too, Dad.” I hug him once again and do the same thing with my mother.
Then Green puts me on the back of his bike, and we’re off.
Each yellow line that passes on the pavement, I feel a small bit of tension leave me. It’s like I’m made of fall leaves and with each marker that whizzes by, one of those leaves tumbles away leaving me a bit lighter. It’s taking the tension out of my shoulders, but my chest is still heavy.
Green is pissed at me, and he has every right to be. While my intentions were good, it wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made. I knew he’d be angry, but it was the hurt in his eyes that gutted me. That was not what I wanted. Never wanted.
Nothing but the air around us, I try to force the relaxed feeling upon myself, but it doesn’t come.
Driving straight through only making a couple of pit stops for gas and bathroom, we make it to Sumner, Georgia just as the sun begins to dip from the sky. The sunset is beautiful over the horizon. A new sense of hope emerges as the sun continues to fall. Hope that this is our new beginning. That whatever those assholes wanted with me is over and that Green and I can start living our lives. That I won’t allow the fear to hold me in its clutches so much that I can’t live my life.
That’s what I hope. To just be normal, whatever in the hell that is.
It doesn’t hide the anxiety though. I have no idea what a life with Green will be like. His club is his world and while I’ve met some of the brothers, not them all or their wives or girlfriends. Bristyl is the only person I’ll really know besides Green. I just hope beyond reason that all of this works out.
