Being Magdalene

by Fleur Beale

  Nina set a dish of chicken pieces on the table. ‘She might surprise you.’

  ‘No she won’t,’ Zillah said. ‘She’ll stay in bed and if Father tries to talk to her she’ll preach at him.’

  We talked about it as we ate dinner. Jim said, ‘Kids, this isn’t your problem. You didn’t cause it and you can’t solve it. Understand?’

  ‘In my head I do,’ I said. ‘But I don’t think my heart does.’

  ‘It’ll get used to the idea,’ Jim said. ‘There’s no point in dwelling on it, so how about a game of cards this evening?’

  So we played our first game of cards, ending up laughing so much that Zillah and I had to lie on the floor to get our breath back. ‘What’s that game called?’ she asked when she could talk again.

  ‘It’s the Great Pilgrim Special,’ our uncle said. ‘It breaks all the rules of good card-playing.’

  Excellent.

  On Sunday we went to church with all our family except for Ellen and Kirby who, as they always did, came to our house and made lunch. It had taken me a while to stop offering to stay home to help — it didn’t seem right to let them do the work every week. But they laughed at me and I had to accept they were happy to do it.

  As we were walking out after the service, Miriam asked, ‘Who do you pray for, little sister?’

  ‘Father and Luke,’ I said. ‘My friends too.’

  ‘Not Mother?’

  ‘No.’ I tried to explain. ‘I don’t know what to pray for. She believes in the horrible Lord and I’m sure not going to pray to Him.’

  She put her arm around me. ‘It’s okay — you pray for Father and I’ll pray for her.’

  My thoughts turned to Luke. He’d be at worship for hours yet. I wondered what he thought about when Elder Stephen preached. I breathed a prayer of thanks that Zillah and I would never again have to endure those sermons.

  If Elder Stephen knew how we spent our Sunday afternoons now, he would preach about worldliness and wickedness. We had fun and he couldn’t abide fun. Today, Kirby wanted to go for a walk. ‘So what if it’s raining? We won’t melt. On your feet, you lot. It’s just what you need after sitting in church for an hour.’ Even she could tell nobody was going to put as much as a finger outside into the rain, but that didn’t stop her from trying to persuade us.

  The phone interrupted one of her more passionate attempts. I was curled up in a corner of the sofa, closest to it, and picked it up. ‘Magdalene speaking.’

  I waited, but there was only silence. ‘Hello?’

  ‘Magdalene, this is Luke.’

  ‘Luke? Have you got … what’s happened? Are you all right? Hang on, I’ll put you on speaker. Everyone’s here.’

  He spoke quickly. ‘I can’t talk long. This is Brother Ebenezer’s phone. They’re here, and so are Rachel and Saul. More people are on their way.’

  ‘Luke, where are you? Are you at worship?’ Zillah asked.

  ‘No. At home. Listen, I’ve got to be quick, so short version. Elder Stephen started preaching about Mother being sick and sinful. Father rushed up to the stage, grabbed the microphone from him and told everyone our leader is a false prophet.’ He paused, then added, ‘There was a bit of a fuss.’

  I was speechless. So many thoughts clashed around in my brain. Father had protected our mother but not us — not me, Zillah or Miriam, and he’d just watched when the Elders punched and kicked Daniel. I didn’t know what to think or what to feel.

  Jim said, ‘A bit of a fuss? Yeah, I can imagine. Where’s it at now?’

  ‘Big discussions about to happen. Half the people stayed with old Stephen. A lot are starting to arrive here. A few have gone home crying. Look, gotta go. Tell Abraham and Daniel, will you? I’m going to try to call Abraham tomorrow. He can tell you any news.’ He finished the call before we could say goodbye.

  Rebecca jumped up and danced around the room. ‘I’ll see Rachel again. It’s happening. I can’t believe it.’

  Zillah pressed in beside me on the sofa. ‘He protected Mother but he didn’t protect us.’

  I held her tight and didn’t say anything. Our father’s action had said it all.

  Miriam booted a cushion, then flung another one after it. She stomped around the room, raging and swearing. Zillah and I huddled together in our corner, watching her. If he’d protected her when she was fourteen, none of this would have happened. None of us would have had to run away. We’d all still have our parents and all of our brothers and sisters.

  I sighed. Zillah pulled away to stare at me. ‘Are you all right, Magdalene? Are you going to faint?’

  I tried to smile. ‘I’m fine. I was just thinking it’s lucky I wrote to him before this happened. I’m not sure I do forgive him now.’

  Nina must have left the room at some point, because she came back with an armful of raingear. ‘We need fresh air and exercise. We’re going out into the weather, family.’

  The following morning, Zillah jumped out of bed the way she always did now. ‘I’m not going to think about Father today. I’m going to wait till Abraham rings.’

  ‘Good idea.’ But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Luke probably wouldn’t go to school today. Brother Joseph mightn’t let Luke on the bus if he still believed Elder Stephen spoke the word of the Lord. I hoped my friends were all right. Carmel’s father would probably keep on believing in Elder Stephen, but Jemimah’s father might not. If he took them out of the Faith she might find Neriah again, and Carmel would be left with no friends.

  Yesterday’s storm had ripped at the city during the night and was still raging. ‘How about I drive you this morning?’ Nina asked.

  ‘It’s not raining very hard,’ I said. ‘Thanks for the offer but I’ll walk. I love the wind.’

  ‘Zillah?’ my aunt asked.

  I could see my sister working out which way would get her to school soonest. ‘I’ll go with Magdalene,’ she said after a moment. ‘Thanks though.’

  Outside, the wind sliced at us, bashing and tussling. If we tried to talk, the words got snatched from our mouths. It shoved and pummelled us, and if we’d been wearing Faith clothes instead of jeans our skirts would have been flying round our ears. Such immodesty. I laughed. We were free now and, by tonight, Luke might be as well.

  At writing time, Miss Jacobs told us to write about the storm.

  Freedom is running through a storm.

  Freedom is laughing in the rain.

  Freedom is letting your hair blow free.

  Freedom is loving the life you live.

  I knew it wasn’t a good piece of writing, but it was what I wanted to say. Miss Jacobs leaned over my shoulder to read it and said, ‘It’s the little things, isn’t it? They all add up to being able to be who you want to be.’

  Thirty-six

  OVER THE NEXT FEW days we heard that the people had split into two groups. About half stayed loyal to Elder Stephen, while the rest followed Brother Ebenezer’s breakaway group. Brother Ebenezer didn’t know which group Rachel and Saul had chosen. ‘They aren’t with my group,’ he said, ‘but they’re not going to Elder Stephen’s services either.’

  Rebecca was beside herself. ‘They might have left. They might be out in the world right now and I don’t even know.’

  More days passed. Abraham rang each evening to tell us any news from Brother Ebenezer, but nothing was different. Mother still kept to her bed. There was still no sign of Rachel and Saul.

  ‘Where is she?’ Rebecca asked. ‘Why doesn’t anybody know if they’ve left?’

  But I knew why. Rachel and Saul would be staying home, praying for guidance. They wouldn’t welcome other opinions because they would want to be sure they were truly following the will of the Lord. I talked about it with Zillah but we knew it wasn’t any use trying to tell Rebecca. She’d been away from the Faith too long to remember the good things about believing in the Lord, in striving to live a good and godly life.

  ‘Do you want to go back?’ Zillah asked. ‘Brother Ebenezer would be a
good leader. He’d be kind to you.’

  She wasn’t anxious about how I’d answer — she didn’t need me now, but it no longer hurt my heart. ‘No, I don’t want to go back. If I did, I’d be like Kirby was when she had to be Esther.’

  In October, at the beginning of the last school term for the year, we got another email from Luke, a long one this time.

  Greetings, family.

  Guess what! I’m at a proper school! The Faith school has died — the Lord be praised. The Children of the Faith have split down the middle. Brother Ebenezer’s group go to a hall in town on Sundays — same sort of service except he doesn’t pretend to hear the word of the Lord.

  Magdalene, your friend Jemimah’s dad has taken them out into the world. Zillah, you won’t be astonished to hear that Sharon’s family is still with Elder Stephen. Abraham, Titus says to tell you he hopes to visit you in Auckland very soon. Simeon worships with Brother Ebenezer. He’ll probably still marry Jewel because her family is with Brother E too, but Titus’s betrothal’s been cancelled. Adina’s family are staying with Elder S.

  Things at home aren’t so great. Father would like to worship with Brother E but Mother goes nuts if he even suggests leaving Elder S. He’s given up trying to make her see the truth so he just doesn’t go to worship at all. Spends every day now in his study singing, praying and reading the Bible. She stays in bed. I’ve been going to a bunch of different churches. Interesting.

  Bell’s gone. Gotta run.

  Luke

  ‘He didn’t say anything about Rachel,’ Zillah said.

  Rebecca leapt up to pace the room. ‘I can’t believe he didn’t tell us about her.’ She fired off a text to Daniel. ‘He’s gotta find out for me. I don’t care how he does it — I’ll go crazy if I don’t hear something soon.’

  However, before he could discover anything, we got another email from Luke.

  The continuing story … I’ve persuaded Father to take Mother to a doctor and I reckon he needs help too. She’ll be furious, but thanks to the good old Rule, she’ll have to obey.

  Forgot to tell you about Rachel and Saul (sorry, Rebecca!) They’ve decided to join Brother E’s group — the Free Worshippers. When they told Mother they no longer believed in Elder S or his version of the Rule, she yelled and carried on — path to salvation blah blah, she won’t endanger her own immortal soul by talking to them ever again. Rachel upset but not going to change her mind. Best not to contact her for a bit, Rebecca — they say they need time to work out what’s true and what’s not.

  Bell again.

  Luke

  PS Father’s probably going to go into business with Saul and Simeon. They’re talking about setting up a building firm.

  Rebecca was still raging when she came to church with us on Sunday. ‘They should’ve just left. Rachel’d love being worldly, once she got used to it. What’s her address, Magdalene? I’ll write to her.’

  Before I could think how to tell her it was a bad idea, Zillah said, ‘She won’t read it. She’ll give it to Saul.’

  ‘And he’ll put it aside until they’re sure they’ve obeyed the will of the Lord,’ I said. ‘You know that, Rebecca. You know what it’s like to love the Lord with all your heart.’

  ‘And none of your brain,’ our sister said. She was quiet for the rest of the day and every so often she’d wipe her eyes.

  I was deeply glad to be in my new life — free, allowed to learn and able to worship the Lord with a joyful heart.

  There was much to be joyful about. Daniel and Xanthe came for a weekend in November to talk about their wedding. Jim met them at the airport, and when they walked in the door Luke was with them, his smile the widest I’d ever seen on him.

  ‘Luke!’ Zillah and I flew at him, crushing him with our hugs. ‘Does Father know you’re here?’

  ‘He paid my fare,’ Luke said. ‘Not sure how he felt about me coming. He just gave me his blessing and my tickets. He’s very sad these days. Kind of lost, really.’

  ‘How’s Mother?’ Miriam asked.

  ‘A bit better. Not quite so shouty. Won’t hear a word against old Stephen, though.’

  Zillah looked at me and pulled a face. Mother didn’t sound a whole lot better. If we went back, she’d be preaching at us again before we’d got both feet in the door.

  The front doorbell went. ‘That’ll be Ellen and Kirby,’ Nina said.

  But it wasn’t. ‘Abraham! Talitha!’ They disappeared in a flurry of hugging.

  When Ellen and Kirby arrived, our family was as complete as it was ever going to get.

  Thirty-seven

  ALL OUR WORLDLY FAMILY were together again in the New Year for Daniel and Xanthe’s wedding. Her parents had also invited us to a family barbecue at their home in Nelson the night before, when there would be a rehearsal for the wedding.

  ‘Come early,’ Xanthe said. ‘We can’t wait to see you all.’

  ‘Do you think Xanthe’s hair will still be pink?’ I asked Zillah.

  She shrugged. ‘Probably.’

  I laughed at her. She so didn’t care about fashion. She had two rules — be comfortable and don’t look like a Faith girl.

  We travelled to the South Island by ferry the way our family had done when we moved to Nelson from Wanganui when I was five years old. Rebecca stood beside me on the deck, watching as the hills grew fainter. ‘I wonder if I’d still be in the Faith if we’d stayed in Wanganui.’

  Kirby said, ‘Hey, enough of the wistful stuff. Think about it, Bex baby — you’d have three kids by now and be married to a dreeb.’

  Rebecca stared out to sea. ‘Yes, but I’d still have Rachel.’

  ‘Sorry, sweets. Hard for you going back to Nelson, I know. Daniel should have fallen in love with a girl from Sweden. I’d like to go to Oslo.’

  ‘Stockholm!’ Zillah said.

  ‘Oslo’s in Norway.’ I grinned at our cousin. ‘Poor Kirby — you didn’t have the advantage of a Faith education.’

  Rebecca shuddered. ‘Okay. You’ve convinced me. Names on maps. Country and capital city. Some education. Not.’

  It was strange to be returning to the city we’d run from, although I didn’t truly feel it until Jim was driving us through the familiar streets. Zillah reached for my hand just as Nina turned round from the front seat to ask, ‘Okay there, my chicks?’

  ‘A bit shaky,’ I said. ‘If we see Elder Stephen I think I’ll be sick.’

  ‘Vomit on his shoes,’ Jim said. ‘I guess it wouldn’t do to run him over and flatten him. Pity.’

  We arrived at the address Xanthe had sent, got out and waited for the others to park their cars so that we could all arrive at the house together.

  Zillah kept hold of my hand as we climbed the steps up to the house. ‘It’s weird, isn’t it, Magdalene? Being back in Nelson and we can’t see Luke or the others. I’d really like to see Hope and Theodore.’

  She was right, it was almost like I could feel the Elders reaching skinny hands out to claw us back. Abraham had told Luke we were all coming, but we knew he wouldn’t be able to join us. This wedding would be too worldly for our father.

  Talitha came up beside us. ‘Are your hearts easy, my sisters?’

  ‘It all feels pretty surreal.’ I slid my hand through her arm. ‘Will you visit your family, Talitha?’

  Her face lit up. ‘We are staying with them tonight.’

  I was glad for her. I wished Father was like Brother Ebenezer — but then, if he was, we’d probably still be in the Faith. Too hard a topic for such a day.

  Xanthe and Daniel came running the moment they saw us. Her hair was still bright pink and Daniel wore clothes outrageously different from Faith ones — trousers and shirt both of a startling green. Miriam said, ‘Whoa, a bit out there for a Faith boy, Daniel Pilgrim! Where did you get all that?’

  ‘Op shop,’ he said. ‘Fifteen bucks. Xanthe loves it.’ He looked at her and we realised he’d wear velvet polka dots or sacking if it would please his bride.

 
Xanthe’s family welcomed us — her parents, her three brothers, and two grandmothers, both with pink stripes in their hair to match Xanthe’s. I breathed out. We were in a different life in a city that felt warmer and without threat.

  One of the grandmothers handed me a drink. ‘Call me Helena, my dear, and, if you can bear to, I’d love you to tell me about that atrocious school you had to go to.’ She saw my look of surprise and added, ‘I’m a teacher. Daniel’s told me a bit — just enough to make my blood boil.’

  ‘Are you sure you want to know?’ I asked. ‘It’s a hot day to have boiling blood.’

  ‘I’ll risk it, but good point. Come over here.’ She led me to the shade of a tree. ‘Magnolia. Once a teacher, always a teacher. Max, get your butt off that chair and bring me a wine. White, please.’

  Her grandson got up, swept her a bow and said, ‘At once, Your Majesty.’

  She waved him away and we settled down to talk. I thought her blood might really boil when I told how Sister Leah would hit our knuckles with her ruler. She was spluttering with fury when Miriam came over, saying, ‘At least I was spared that. But, Magdalene — why on earth are you going to a girls’ school next year? You’ll have to wear a dumb uniform too.’

  I looked at Helena who, I’d discovered, was the principal of just such a school in Auckland. Her eyes were bright with interest but she was looking at me, waiting for my answer.

  Miriam plonked down beside us on the grass. ‘You should change. It’s not too late.’

  ‘I don’t want to change,’ I told her. ‘I’m Magdalene, and this is what I want. This is what’s right for me.’

  ‘You’ll get sick of it,’ she said. ‘You’ve worn a bloody uniform most of your life. I bet Zillah won’t be so crazy.’