Being Magdalene

by Fleur Beale

  I laughed at her. ‘You should know by now that Zillah doesn’t care what she wears so long as it’s not Faith clothes.’

  Miriam turned to Helena. ‘Tell her! She needs to learn to express herself. To live in the world. I can’t stand the thought of her being locked up with a bunch of girls.’

  Helena looked amused rather than angry. ‘Sounds to me like you’re trying to boss her around just like that odious Rule did.’

  Miriam stared at her, her mouth open, then she burst out laughing. ‘You’re so right! Sorry, Magdalene. You go to your girly school — with my blessing.’

  Just then the sound of glass shattering on concrete made me up look up.

  ‘Father!’

  I don’t know if I said it, or if we all did, but it was him, all grey and sad in this happy garden. I stood up, with Miriam white and tense beside me. She grabbed my arm, holding tight. She was shaking.

  ‘Luke! Look, Miriam — Luke’s here too.’

  I started forward, dragging her with me, but stopped as Rebecca shot past us. ‘Rachel! It’s you, it’s really you!’ Then they were in each other’s arms, both of them weeping and laughing.

  Saul stood behind them, watching his wife. I searched for Hope and Theodore but they hadn’t brought them, and I knew then that Rebecca’s heart was going to be broken all over again.

  I looked round for Zillah. She was running but not to our father. She was running to me. ‘Are you all right, Magdalene? Why is Miriam holding you up?’

  Miriam didn’t seem to hear her.

  I took Zillah’s hand. ‘I’m fine. Honestly, I am.’

  She peered round me to check on Miriam. ‘Is she going to faint?’

  Miriam heaved in a breath or two. ‘Not bloody likely. I won’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me flat out on the ground. Arse. The nerve of him, coming here.’

  I let her rant. She didn’t let go her clutch on my arm and she was still shaking.

  Like me, Zillah couldn’t take her eyes off Rebecca and Rachel. ‘Rebecca’s mascara will run,’ she said. ‘Why has Father come? He should turn away. He shouldn’t even look at Daniel and Miriam and Rebecca. Or us. It’s against the Rule.’

  Her hold on my hand tightened as we watched our father walk towards Daniel in his outrageous green clothing.

  Miriam muttered, ‘Die, damn you. Die and go to hell.’

  Daniel didn’t move — it seemed to me that he couldn’t. Xanthe glanced up at him, her face troubled.

  Father stepped on to the lawn and took three paces towards the son he’d allowed to be banished for wanting to become a doctor. ‘My son.’ He drew in a ragged breath and then another.

  Xanthe put her hand on Daniel’s arm. Her touch seemed to waken him but he still didn’t move.

  ‘Daniel?’ she whispered.

  It was another few seconds before we heard him suck air into his lungs. Then he started walking, steadily enough, to where our father waited for him, heartbreak in his eyes.

  We watched them, all of us, even Rachel and Rebecca with their arms still around each other. Beside me Miriam was tense, every muscle vibrating like darning wool pulled too tight.

  For ages neither of them could speak a word until our father said in his broken voice, ‘My son … I pray daily for your forgiveness.’

  Forgiveness. How could Daniel forgive him when he’d been hurt so badly and so needlessly?

  I thought Daniel wasn’t going to give him an answer. He studied our father’s face, his own expression unreadable, until at last he said, ‘Thank you for your prayers, Father. You have my forgiveness. And my prayers.’

  He held out his hands to our father who looked as though one touch would send him to the ground in a thousand pieces. It seemed a huge effort for him to take the hands of his banished, worldly son, but I believed it wasn’t from fear of the Rule and damnation. I believed it was because he now knew how wrong he’d been, and the full weight of his loss was crushing him. He held Daniel’s hands for a brief moment, then stepped back.

  He didn’t greet Xanthe and he didn’t try to speak to any of the rest of us, but he watched us as we hugged Luke, as we greeted Rachel, and he saw our joy in being together again, in being a family. It would cut his heart to ribbons.

  I should have gone to him, asked for his blessing, but knowing he’d protected Mother from Elder Stephen when he hadn’t protected us held me still. Then his gaze fell on me and I couldn’t bear the pain I saw in his face. I walked to him but all I could say was, ‘Father.’

  ‘My daughter, my very dear daughter.’ He put a hand on my head.

  Saul’s voice broke the moment and I thanked the Lord for it, because if my father had spoken of forgiveness I’d have had no answer.

  ‘Brothers and sisters,’ Saul said, ‘we are blessed to meet with you this day. The Faith we now follow permits contact with those who are on the outside. We ask you to understand such contact will be limited. We want to keep our minds on the Lord without the distraction of too much worldly influence.’

  Rachel held Rebecca’s hands. ‘Do you understand, my sister?’

  Rebecca pulled away to cover her face. She didn’t reply. Rachel regarded her gravely, her own face serene and patient, until Rebecca dropped her hands, gave her a twisted smile and said, ‘No, I don’t understand but I love you and, if that’s what you want, I’ll do as you ask. I won’t pester you, but please, please write to me, my dearest sister. Tell me when important things happen.’

  ‘You have my promise and my loving prayers always,’ Rachel said. She leaned towards her twin to whisper something that made Rebecca hug her again.

  Then Rachel was walking away with her husband, back to their car — back to their narrow lives.

  Rebecca stared after her. ‘I can’t believe she’s happy. I want to meet her children. Why —’

  ‘What did she tell you?’ I asked.

  She repeated Rachel’s words but all her attention was on her vanishing twin. ‘I am glad you ran away. I am glad you did not marry … him. You are my once and always sister. I will always love you.’

  Zillah was right about the mascara. More tears ran down Rebecca’s face — she swiped at them, spreading the dark bruising wider.

  My heart ached. It shouldn’t be like this. Rebecca should still have Rachel in her life. We should be able to see Hope, to meet Theodore. It wasn’t going to happen. They were being protected from our worldliness. Beside me, Zillah muttered, ‘Dumb, stupid Rule.’

  She fell silent as we saw Father bow his head in defeated acceptance when Miriam gave him a hardeyed stare before turning her back on him — just like he’d once done to her. Luke took his arm to guide him to the car.

  Nobody spoke as we watched them leave, then Miriam said, ‘Little Luke. He’s all grown up.’

  ‘And with a mind of his own, thank the good Lord.’ Abraham put his arm around Talitha and said to Daniel, ‘You okay there, brother?’

  Daniel rubbed his hands over his face. ‘Not sure. That was … did it really happen?’

  ‘Believe me,’ Miriam said, ‘it did.’

  Xanthe’s oldest brother tapped a glass to make it ring. ‘Grub’s up, people. Come and eat.’

  I lingered behind to help Rebecca clean the mascara off her face. ‘Rachel’s truly happy, Rebecca. She’ll obey Saul but she’s not going to turn out like Mother, because they discuss things. She has to use her brain. She doesn’t just obey because it’s the Rule.’

  My sister gave a twisted smile. ‘You understand her better than I do now. I’d always hoped —’

  Miriam gave her a push towards the table set out under the shade of an umbrella. ‘Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be married to that old pervert.’

  Rebecca gave herself a shake. ‘True. Come on, let’s not think about them. Let’s go celebrate.’

  Of course, it was impossible not to think of them, but by the time the next afternoon arrived we’d talked ourselves out about the visit. Enough. We were determined to make Dani
el’s wedding a happy one.

  I had no idea what a worldly wedding would be like. I’d thought only that it wouldn’t be quite the same as a Faith one but wouldn’t be too different either.

  Wrong. For a start, everyone looked happy. My family sat together in the front row of the church with Xanthe’s family across from us. Daniel came in with Abraham as his best man, and when the music rang out he turned to watch Xanthe walk towards him on her father’s arm.

  The vows they made to each other were different from Faith ones, and as Daniel spoke the words to Xanthe I remembered how he had been supposed to become betrothed to a Faith girl. I shut my eyes to shake away the image of him and Esther stumbling from the stage, his blood staining her blouse, but the memory was faint now and I knew it would no longer haunt me. I turned my attention to the present.

  ‘Xanthe, I love you with all my heart. I promise to walk by your side through our lives together until death parts us.’

  ‘Daniel, you are the love and joy of my life. I promise to walk by your side until death parts us.’

  Xanthe’s mother beamed at them throughout the ceremony. Her father had to wipe his eyes. Her three brothers high-fived her as she walked back down the aisle with her husband.

  Outside the church, the grandmothers handed us baskets of rose petals to throw over our brother and his wife. Three red ones settled on Xanthe’s bright head.

  We followed the bride and groom to the dining room where there were balloons and ribbons, food and laughter. One day I might have a wedding like this, or I might choose not to be married. As yet, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. There was plenty of time to find out.

  All of us had things to look forward to — maybe even Rachel did as well. Her narrow life was a little freer now, but I knew it wasn’t free enough for me.

  Every day I was finding out about how to be Magdalene — the real Magdalene, not the Faith one. I was blessed to be living a life of my own making.

  About the Author

  Fleur Beale is the award-winning author of more than fifty books for children and young adults, which have been published in New Zealand, the United States, the United Kingdom and Germany.

  In 2012, she won the Margaret Mahy Medal for her outstanding contribution to children’s writing. In the 2009 LIANZA Children’s Book Awards, she won the Esther Glen Award for a distinguished contribution to children’s literature for Juno of Taris, and Fierce September won the young adult category in the 2011 NZ Post Children’s Book Awards as well as the LIANZA Young Adult Award in 2011.

  Fleur is the only writer to have twice won the Storylines Gaelyn Gordon Award for a Much-loved Book, with Slide the Corner in 2007, and I am not Esther in 2009. In 2015 she was made an Officer of the New Zealand Order of Merit. A former high-school teacher, Fleur now lives in Wellington, New Zealand.

  Also by Fleur Beale

  I am Rebecca (2014)

  Speed Freak (2013)

  The Boy in the Olive Grove (2012)

  Dirt Bomb (2011)

  Heart of Danger (2011)

  Fierce September (2010)

  Sins of the Father (2009)

  End of the Alphabet (2009)

  Juno of Taris (2008)

  The Transformation of Minna Hargreaves (2007)

  A Respectable Girl (2006)

  I am not Esther (1998)

  A classic bestseller that’s been in print for close to two decades, this gripping young-adult thriller follows a teenage girl caught in a religious cult.

  Imagine that your mother tells you she’s going away. She is going to leave you with relatives you’ve never heard of — and they are members of a strict religious cult. Your name is changed, and you are forced to follow the severe set of social standards set by the cult. There is no television, no radio, no newspaper. No mirrors. You must wear long, modest clothes. You don’t know where your mother is, and you are beginning to question your own identity.

  I am not Esther is an enthralling and utterly compelling portrait of a teenager going through her worst nightmare.

  I am not Esther won an Honour Award in the 1999 New Zealand Post Children’s Book Awards, features in 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Grow Up and won the 2009 Storylines Gaelyn Gordon Award for a Much-loved Book.

  When she turns fourteen, Rebecca will find out who she is to marry. All the girls in her strict religious sect must be married just after their sixteenth birthday.

  Her twin sister, Rachel, desperately wants to marry the boy she’s given her heart to. All Rebecca wants is to have a husband who is kind. Both girls know the choice is not theirs to make.

  But what will the future hold for Rebecca? Is there a dark side to the rules which have kept her safe? Can the way ahead be so simple when the community is driven by secrets and hidden desires?

  The sequel to Fleur Beale’s internationally acclaimed bestseller I am not Esther, I am Rebecca continues the story of the Pilgrim family and the cult community the Children of the Faith. Powerful and tautly written, in 2015 I am Rebecca was hailed as a Storylines Notable Book and won the LIANZA Librarians’ Choice Award.

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  Random House is an imprint of the Penguin Random House group of companies, whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

  First published by Penguin Random House New Zealand, 2015

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  Text copyright © Fleur Beale, 2015

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

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  Cover photograph by Mark Owen / Trevillion Images

  Author photograph by Chris Coad

  Printed and bound in Australia by Griffin Press, an Accredited ISO AS/NZS 14001 Environmental Management Systems Printer.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand.

  ISBN 978-1-77553-767-0

  eISBN 978-1-77553-768-7

  The assistance of Creative New Zealand towards the production of this book is gratefully acknowledged by the publisher.

  penguinrandomhouse.co.nz