I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  “Come on, Luke, take the room. We’ll head over there now and you can get yourself a decent night’s sleep before work tomorrow,” Damien says, gesturing towards the front of the shop.

  I can’t get any words out; I can only nod, my body too exhausted to speak, to bother fighting this. Instead, I tightly grip on to my bags and silently follow Jared and Damien out of the store.

  When I wake up, I have no idea where I am. But I feel clean and rested, and for the first time in a really long time, awake. I silence the alarm on my phone and try to get my bearings.

  When it hits me, I immediately sit up, knowing I have to get out of here. The house is quiet and I’m hoping Jared isn’t awake and won’t see me sneak out. I quickly pull on some clothes, shoving everything back into my bags. As quietly as possible, I open the door of the huge bedroom he told me was mine last night, and look out into the living room. I can’t see or hear anyone. There’s nothing in the room except for the giant corner couch, a huge plasma TV, and two guitars. No Jared. My eyes lift to the kitchen and the coffee machine sitting on the counter. I could kill for a coffee right now, but I don’t dare. I don’t want him to think I’m staying here and I definitely don’t want him to think I see this as home.

  Because it’s not, I don’t belong here.

  I quietly walk over to the front door, stopping for just a second to take in the place I could so easily see myself living in. Knowing it’s not possible; I unlock and open the front door. I figure now I’ll just stash my bags in some lockers at the bus station until I sort my shit out. I know I can’t show up at work with them. Actually, I’m guessing now, I’m gonna need to find myself a new job too.

  “Luke?”

  I freeze, halfway out the front door.

  “Dude, seriously, you were just gonna take off again?”

  I turn and see Jared standing in the living room watching me. Maybe he was there all along and I just didn’t see him, but I’ve clearly been caught trying to sneak out without so much as a thank you for letting me crash here last night.

  “I can’t stay here, Jared,” I eventually say, forcing myself not to just bolt.

  “Why the hell not?” he asks, not moving.

  I shrug, knowing I don’t really have a reason for this, only that I’m not used to accepting help from anyone. I’ve spent too long trying to fend for myself, even when I lived at home and had everything provided for me. And that kind of survival instinct is very hard to break.

  “If you can’t afford the rent at the moment,” he says, taking a step towards me now. “You don’t need to worry.”

  “I can’t let you cover my rent, Jared,” I say, shaking my head at him.

  Jared laughs. “I’m not offering to cover your rent,” he says. “I’m just saying if you don’t have the cash now, don’t worry about it. We can figure something out.”

  I exhale loudly, running my hand over my head. It feels weird, every time I do this. I’m still not used to having no hair. I shaved it off about a week ago, a part of this whole who-the-fuck-am-I-trip I seem to be on. Figured if I could change my appearance a little, maybe I could convince myself things really had changed. I’m still not sure it’s worked, as I’ve yet to recognise the guy looking back at me in the mirror, and it’s got nothing to do with my new haircut.

  I watch as Jared takes a step towards me. “Luke, take the room. Why the hell can’t you take the room?” he asks.

  I exhale loudly, running my hand over my head and down my face. “I wish it was that easy, Jared, I really do.”

  “Seriously, dude, it’s actually not that fucking hard you know.”

  I drop my hand, open my eyes, and look at Jared. He is pissed now, really pissed, and a part of me doesn’t blame him. Kinda understands him actually. But I also don’t know how to explain it to him. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish it could all just be that easy for once. Even leaving didn’t change that because of all the things I’m now without, all the things I have to try and work out, try to find, and try to do. Because of so many reasons.

  “Luke?”

  I shrug at him, knowing it’s the worst response I could give him, that it’s a fucking insult actually and I wish I could say more, could say anything.

  I watch Jared shake his head at me. I watch as a hardness comes over his face. And I hear him when he says, “I don’t know what’s going on here, Luke. I mean things are obviously fucked; it’s why you were running in the first place. But don’t think that we’re all out to get you. Don’t put all of us in that little basket you like to call people who have, or will, fuck me over.”

  He takes another step towards me; just one, and I can’t help but flinch. He looks so angry, so goddamn angry and for just a second I wonder what he’s going to do, hit me? Jared sees my reaction and before I know what’s happening he has engulfed me in his arms. He hasn’t hit me at all, he’s hugging me. He’s fucking hugging me. “We aren’t all like that you know,” he says to me, locking me in a bear hug that’s so tight, I can’t escape it.

  I can feel my body shaking and I don’t know why. Whether it’s fear, adrenaline, or surprise. It feels foreign and weird but despite this, I can feel for the first time in a really long time, the weight of whatever’s holding me down start to lift. For the first time in forever, I actually feel like someone might be on my side.

  Jared pushes back, his hands resting on my shoulders as he looks at me. I have no idea what I must look like to him, but I force myself to meet his eyes, watch as he takes me in. His anger is gone now, but it’s been replaced with something that’s completely unfamiliar.

  “Stop fighting this so hard,” he says. “Just stop fighting, Luke.”

  And I take a deep breath as I realise I need to at least try.

  I’ve been living in Jared’s apartment for a couple of weeks now and I have to admit, it’s been great. Now that I’ve actually dropped the defensive attitude, we’ve gone back to that easygoing way we had when we drove from Illinois to Boston nearly two months ago. Despite my initial reservations about all this, Jared is a good guy and he’s been really good to me. I’m still not sure how I ended up here, but I’m fucking grateful I did.

  I’m sitting at home on a rare night off. Jared is out who knows where and as I sit here staring at the guitars that lean against the wall, my fingers start itching for me to pick one up. I’ve never really played guitar before, but I’ve always wanted to. When my dad broke his promise though, getting the one thing I’d always wanted was no longer a reality. I haven’t been able to afford one since and even if I could, I certainly can’t afford the lessons.

  Even though I know I shouldn’t, I can’t help it. I take a deep breath and pick up one of his guitars, resting it on my lap. I have no real idea how to play it; only what I’ve taught myself in the store when it’s been quiet and no one’s around. But I start to strum the strings anyway, playing around with some random notes, trying to sing the only lines I know how to play. It probably sounds awful, but to me it’s amazing. When I finish I look up and find Jared staring at me, a grin on his face.

  “Fuck,” I say, almost defensively. “I’m sorry, I know I…”

  “Don’t worry about it, Luke,” he says, stepping towards me. “Use it whenever you want, I’ve got others.”

  “I can’t take it, Jared, seriously,” I say, still holding his guitar anyway.

  “Ah for fuck’s sake, just use it,” he says shaking his head, even though he’s still smiling. “And who knew you could fucking sing,” he says.

  “I can?” I ask, surprised.

  He laughs now, walking over and slapping me on the back. “Yep, you sure can. Think it’s time we sorted your guitar playing out though.”

  Track 33 (A side) – Reflections

  Wounded man, once my only reflection

  But the mirror doesn’t lie

  Despite how much I try to hide

  And now, I am strong, because life carries on

  And these battle scars become my source
direction

  ∞

  Ash and I are alone by the pool now; everyone else has gone inside or to bed. It’s late, after two in the morning, but this is normal for us and it seems right that we are the last ones sitting out here. We’ve spent so many nights together, doing exactly this. The evening is still warm, and although the end of summer is close, it’s not enough to stop us from sitting out here and enjoying the night.

  “It’s been a crazy three months, hasn’t it?” Ash asks me, her hands sliding up my legs as she sits between them.

  I wrap my arms around her, smiling. “Three months?”

  “Yeah, this whole trip to L.A., six months I guess if you count when this all started with the show back in Boston,” she answers, leaning back against my shoulder to kiss me. “Six months of amazing things happening for you, Luke.”

  I shake my head at her. I know she’s not even thinking about all of the other shit that’s happened. Everything with my dad, the nightmare of her getting shot, and the fucking awful fear that I was going to lose her. But she’s still wrong.

  “No,” she asks, confused. “You don’t think so?”

  “Yeah, there have been amazing things happening alright,” I tell her, tucking her hair behind her ear as I kiss her temple.

  “But?” she asks, and I know she doesn’t get what I’m saying to her.

  “But,” I say, kissing her lips. “These amazing things started long before that, Asha, they started nearly two years ago,” I whisper. “Back when I first met you.”

  “Oh,” is all she says, her eyes on mine as the reality of my words sink in.

  And it’s the truth. Sure, the last six months have been great. The dream of the record label people coming to watch us play turning into a reality. The unexpected offer of a recording deal and actually getting out here to fulfill it. Managing to make the album, despite all the shit that happened during the last three months. All of that has been fantastic, amazing, more than I ever expected. But it’s nothing compared to what happened to me when I took the job at Eat Drink Read.

  “Yeah, oh,” I tell her, smiling at the look on her face. “All of this has been fantastic, Asha, much more than I ever expected. But it’s not the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Not even close.” I lean in and kiss her again. “You are,” I tell her, my lips against hers. “You are the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me, Ash.”

  And before I can say anything more, she grabs the front of my t-shirt and pulls me closer, our kiss deepening as I realise she not only gets it, but she also feels the same way.

  “I can remember that very first day I met you,” Ash says smiling as she pulls back and leans her head against my shoulder.

  “Me too,” I say as I tighten my arms around her, the memory never leaving me. “The first time I saw you, my first thought, the absolute first thing that popped into my head, was how incredibly beautiful you are.”

  “Beautiful?” she asks, looking up at me.

  I smile, running my fingers softly down her cheek as I push her hair back. I lean in and kiss her lips again as Asha’s hand slides onto my neck and cheek, holding me against her.

  “Yes, beautiful,” I tell her, kissing her some more.

  She pulls back a little, looking into my eyes. I’m still smiling at her and I know she doesn’t really believe me. “I really wasn’t in a very good place back then,” she says. “I didn’t want to be at work, didn’t even want to be alive.”

  “I know,” I whisper. Even now, it hurts to remember how much pain she was in. Watching her struggle with that and being unable to do anything about it. All I’d wanted to do was fix it for her. All I wanted to do was take it all away. “My first thought was beautiful, Ash, but then I saw beneath the beautiful. I saw all of your pain and grief and sadness.”

  “You did?” she asks.

  “I did,” I answer. “And you know what?” Ash shakes her head, her eyes never leaving mine. “When I saw all of that, when I saw everything you were carrying around, it was like looking in a mirror.”

  “A mirror?”

  “Yeah,” I say nodding. “Everything you were carrying around, was everything I used to carry around, what I didn’t realise until today, that I still carried around. And when I saw that, when I saw you carried it all too, I felt something else. Something even more intense, something I’d never, ever felt before.”

  “What?” she asks me.

  I take a deep breath, still not knowing how to fully explain this, even now. All I remember is it hit me and it hit me really fucking hard. It was a feeling I never expected to have and one I’ve never been able to shake, even now two years later. I still feel it every single time I look at her.

  “I looked at you, Ash, and I just couldn’t look away. I felt like we were connected, like I understood you and everything you were going through. And I knew that you would somehow understand me too, that you were connected to me,” I whisper, leaning down to kiss her again. “It felt like you were meant for me, Asha, that we were a perfect fit.”

  And it’s as close as I can get to putting that feeling into words, even though I have no idea if it makes any sense. All I do know is that I am meant for her and she is meant for me and everything that has happened, to either of us, was all meant to happen, because it brought us both to this one important place.

  Together.

  “Luke,” she whispers. “You saved me back then, more than you’ll ever know. I was at my lowest point when I first met you and I didn’t think I would ever feel happy again, didn’t think I would ever feel anything again.”

  I brush her hair back, pressing my mouth against hers for a deeper kiss. I can remember that too; remember all of her sadness, her fear at being around people, her resistance to getting close to anyone. I wanted to break through all of that, show her it was possible to be happy again. It took a while, but I knew it had to. She was so fucking fragile and knowing everything I do, I understand why. I knew I had to take it slow. And I know I’d do it all again in a heartbeat if I had to.

  “I know,” I say to her. “I could tell.”

  She looks up at me again, her eyes so different to that first time I saw her. Back then, they were incredibly sad, so full of grief and regret and fear, so much fear. “So why did you bother?” she asks me.

  I laugh, my arms tightening around her as I pull her closer to me. ‘“Did you miss that first impression I had?” I ask. “You know, the part about you being beautiful?”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “Asha, you were, and you are, and you always will be, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” I say. “I couldn’t look away, I still can’t.”

  “Luke…” she says leaning up and kissing me hard. I keep her tight against me, my arms wrapped around her as I think for the millionth time since I met her that I never want to let her go.

  When we finally break apart, both of us are breathing a little harder and I’m thinking we either need to jump in the pool to cool off or head upstairs to sort this out the right way. Asha smiles up at me and it reminds me of what else I thought and wanted that first time I met her.

  “That’s the other thing,” I say, looking at her. “The first time I saw you, I really wanted to make you smile too.”

  “Really?” she asks, smiling up at me still. She smiles every day now, all the time, and I love it.

  “Yeah, really,” I say, smiling back at her. “I remember wanting so badly to make you smile that first day, hoping I could make it happen. And even though it didn’t, it kinda became my thing.”

  “Your thing?”

  “Yeah,” I answer, kissing her quickly. “For however long it took, I was going to somehow get you to smile. And I’m talking a real smile too, not one of those yeah-thanks-but-I-don’t-really-mean-it bullshit smiles. I mean a real, genuine smile.”

  Asha laughs now as she says, “And you did. You make me smile every single day, Luke.”

  “Oh and the other thing…”

  “Wait, w
hat, another thing?” she asks, laughing still.

  My heart skips a beat at the sound of her laughter. It’s music to my ears. So much of Asha is music to me. The way she sounds, the way she looks, the way she feels… everything. And especially the noises I can get her to make. Now, that’s just my music, my beautiful music.

  “Yeah another thing, the sound of my name as it fell from your lips,” I whisper. “The first time I heard that, I knew I was gone. That was the final straw for me. I was done, Asha, completely done.”

  “Luke,” she says teasingly, her voice a sexy whisper now that has me thinking all sorts of things.

  “Yes, Asha?”

  Her hand slides to my cheek and her eyes firmly lock on mine as she says, “Wanna take me upstairs and see if you can make me scream your name?”

  Fuck. Me.

  I slide my arms under her knees and her shoulders, standing up from the lounger and taking her with me. “Oh I will, beautiful girl, I will.”

  And the only thing I hear is Ash laughing again, as I press my lips against hers and carry her inside to do exactly that.

  I might have thought seeing Asha that very first time changed my life, but I know it’s only gotten better, every single time since.

  Track 34 (B side) – That Moment

  Drowning in pain / Buried in grief

  So desperately lonely

  But I saw through it, saw all the way through it

  Knew how it felt / I’d been there too

  And from the moment I saw you

  I knew that I loved you

  ∞

  I’ve been working at Eat Drink Read for three weeks now. I really like it here, the people are all nice and the work hours are fantastic. We can play shows every night if we want to. Robert’s a great boss, although he isn’t here that much. Sarah is nice too, kinda attractive I guess, but not really my type. I was right about Liam; he’s a fucking dick. I can’t stand the guy, but I’m trying to be nice. I don’t want to rub anyone the wrong way and I’m kinda hoping he’ll settle down after a while. Still no sign of the mysterious Ash, though.