I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  Sarah’s told me loads about her, how the boyfriend used to come and pick her up everyday, how Liam has a huge crush on her, but how she’s actually pretty quiet and shy, never really gets to know anyone that well. The customers all seem to love and miss her too, at least the early morning regulars I’ve had a chance to meet. I keep waiting for her to show up at work, but I’m beginning to think she’s never coming back. Pity, I’m kind of intrigued by her now.

  I’m so fucking hungover today. We had a last minute show last night and none of us wanted to turn it down because there were rumours some industry people might be there. Didn’t happen of course, but it still didn’t stop us from playing a great set and then celebrating afterwards. I wander out to the front to make myself some coffee, try and speed this hangover up. No one else is here yet, which is strange, Sarah should be in by now and I wonder what’s keeping her.

  Oh my fucking God.

  I immediately stop in my tracks because while there is no Sarah, standing at the coffee machine is quite possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.

  Wow.

  My whole stomach flips in response to the sight of her and my hangover has suddenly completely disappeared.

  My God, she is beautiful, so fucking beautiful.

  She’s standing sideways to me, so I can see her entire profile, but she hasn’t noticed me yet. God, she’s gorgeous. Tiny though, both in height and build, she’d only come up to my shoulders I think, with long, dark hair that reaches almost halfway down her back. I have a sudden urge to run my fingers through it, feel how soft it is because it looks beautiful. I can’t see what colour her eyes are, but I do notice her long fingers as they twist the coffee thing onto the machine. I shudder as the thought of those fingers touching me immediately runs through my mind.

  I clear my throat and she turns to face me.

  Oh wow.

  Her face is so beautiful, but so very sad. She looks so unbelievably fragile, yet somehow so incredibly strong, like she’s determined to hold it all together no matter what it costs her. Her face, the emotions reflected in it, are a pile of contradictions, but the pain and grief she’s carrying is palpable and the first thought that pops into my head is I really want to make things better for you.

  She just looks like she’s in absolute agony and doesn’t want to be here at all and all I want to do is wrap my arms around her and promise her I will look after her. I have no idea where all these crazy thoughts are coming from; I’ve never reacted to a woman like this before. I’ve never reacted to anyone like this before.

  But I don’t move; I just smile at her, somehow knowing I should take it slow, that getting close to her, touching her, would completely freak her out right now. The stay-away-from-me vibes are one thing, but it’s the fragile as glass image I have of her soul that really convinces me. My pounding headache is gone, but I still want a coffee because I really want to talk to her. I want to hear her talk to me.

  “Hey, you must be Ash, right? I’m Luke.” I eventually get out.

  She doesn’t smile back at me, just answers, “Yeah, that’s me. Can I make you a coffee, Luke?”

  I love the sound of my name on her tongue. I want to hear her say it again because it’s like music to my ears. I’m still smiling at her. I really want her to smile back at me. It’s like the one thing I want to make happen today. I just want to make her smile.

  Still she doesn’t, so I reply, “Yeah thanks, that would be great.”

  She nods at me as she turns back to the coffee machine and says, “How do you take it?”

  With a smile, I want to say. “Long black, thanks, Ash.”

  She doesn’t look up again, so I watch her for a second more before forcing myself to turn and walk back into the kitchen. As I do, I feel myself exhale loudly as I realise I’ve been holding my breath. Holding my breath as though I was waiting for something.

  All this time and I didn’t even notice it, but I’ve been waiting for the mysterious Ash to finally show up at work. I don’t know if it’s from all of the things Sarah has told me, the little things the regulars have mentioned, or the other stuff I’ve heard. Or maybe it’s just her, and now that I’ve finally seen her, finally met her, I realise what I’ve really been waiting for.

  I’ve been waiting for her.

  And that’s when it hits me. Suddenly, unexpectedly, but in a way that feels so completely perfect and real and amazing. A feeling that is so incredibly strong that I know I can’t shake it; I can’t possibly ignore it. Don’t even want to try to.

  I think I’ve just fallen in love.

  With her.

  Track 35 (A side) – My forever

  You are forever a part of me

  I am forever a part of you

  My future, my love

  My greatest dream, come true.

  ∞

  “You nervous?” Ash asks, her arms sliding around my waist.

  I smile down at her. “Yeah, a little,” I admit.

  “Anything I can do to help?” she asks me, one eyebrow raised in suggestion.

  I can’t help but laugh as I slide my hands under her arms and around her back, lifting her up so I can kiss her. “Mmm, maybe,” I murmur against her lips.

  We’re in a side room behind the stage. Everyone is here tonight, Sarah included. We are all amped for the first show of our promo tour. It should be like any other show, but it still feels very different. Everything feels very different tonight.

  “You’ve done so many shows, Luke,” Ash says to me. “And tonight will be exactly the same, you’ll be fantastic, like you always are.”

  I smile as I lower her feet to the ground. “Yeah, I don’t know, it just feels very different tonight.”

  “How?” she asks me.

  I wrap my arms around her shoulders now, holding her against me. “I don’t know, because in our other shows we were more playing for us. But tonight, we play for them too. I just don’t want to fuck it up.”

  Now it’s Ash smiling at me. “There’s no way you’re going to fuck it up, no way. You guys are amazing. I know it, they know it, and,” she moves her hand so it rests on my chest, right above my heart as she says, “You know it. This is still your show, your band, and most of all, your music.” I open my mouth to say something, but she smiles at me and says, “Your music, Luke, never forget that.”

  My heart melts at her words; at the way she’s looking at me, but most of all, at everything she has given me. “Fuck, please can we disappear somewhere private right now,” I say leaning down to kiss her again.

  “Do we have time?” she whispers teasingly.

  I laugh as I kiss her again, knowing it’s not even remotely possible right now. “No, beautiful, not for what I wanna do there isn’t.”

  She squeezes me tight and says, “Alright then, we’ll save it for later, to celebrate. To celebrate how fantastic tonight will be. Go. Go and do this, Luke, show them the amazing music you guys create. The amazing music you’ve created for them.” She smiles at me. “I know you can do this.”

  “Everything I create is for you, Ash, all of it,” I whisper, before kissing her.

  Someone from the record company makes the introductions. Tonight’s show is more for them than anyone else because half the audience is execs and the people who’ve helped us make this album. But there are still fans here, at least as many fans as we could possibly have in L.A., a city where no one has ever seen us play live before. But Ash, Mia, Sarah, and Pete are here and, really, they are the fans we care most about in all of this.

  Finally we are called out on stage. I’m nervous as hell, almost as nervous as I was that night I sung the first song I ever wrote for Ash. God that was over a year ago now and the memory of that whole night still makes me smile. So much has happened since then. Both good and bad, but it’s only the good I’m thinking about these days. The rest is just noise that both of us push away. I’m done with thinking about any of the shit from my past; it’s time to let it all go a
nd move on. And my girl is along for the ride. Together, Ash and I are letting all of our shit go. Everything from our pasts, all of it, it’s gone.

  Just as I’m about to go on, Ash grabs my hand, pulling me towards her. She presses up on her toes and puts her lips to my ear. “I love you,” I hear her whisper to me, her breath warm against my skin.

  I turn and smile at her, press a long kiss to her lips before whispering, “I love you, Asha, always.”

  And then the four of us walk out.

  There are loads of cheers and claps for us, and I can see, even in the dimmed lights, all of the people watching the stage. I walk up to the microphone, the guitar Ash bought for me, slung over my shoulder. “Thank you,” I eventually say, when the noise from the crowd dies down.

  There are more cheers when I speak and I scan the crowd, looking for anyone I can recognise. It feels weird to play to a room of strangers. Even back in Boston, there were always familiar faces out there, somewhere. If nothing else, Pete was usually there watching us, Ash too, later on. But here I recognise no one.

  I take a deep breath when they finally quiet down again. “We want to thank you all for taking this chance on us, giving us this amazing opportunity. It really is a dream come true.”

  I don’t know where these words are coming from, we never even discussed if I should say something. I turn quickly and look at Jared but he just smiles at me, nods as if to say keep going. I look back to the audience and as I do, I finally see someone I know, someone who makes all of this, who makes everything, worthwhile.

  Asha.

  She walks with the others, weaving her way to the back of the room where the four of them stand together, just like they always used to when we played back home. I watch her the whole time and when she finally turns and looks at me, she smiles at me, just like she always does. And in that moment, I know exactly what else I need to say.

  Without taking my eyes off Ash, I continue, “We also want to say thank you to the four amazing people who have come along on this journey with us, who share this whole crazy dream with us, every single day. Without them, none of this would mean anything. So thank you. Thank you for everything.”

  And then we start to play.

  I don’t really remember much of the show. The whole thing feels like a huge blur, but in a really good way. We play a lot of our old stuff, a couple of new songs too, much more than what’s going to be on our first album. I play Ash her song, the one whose words are forever branded onto her skin now. When I play the first notes, my guitar the only instrument for the opening bars, I watch as she smiles at me. It sets my whole body on fire; just like it does every single time I play it for her. She never sings along, even though I know she knows all the words, but I kinda like that. Instead she just watches me, watches my eyes and my mouth as I sing these intensely personal words to her. I never take my eyes off her for this song and I have no idea what anyone else in the room thinks. I don’t care. This one is for her and her alone.

  By the time we finish, the crowd is louder than before. Everyone seems to love the show, all of it, and despite my initial nerves, so do I. Because it still is, without a doubt, the greatest rush, the biggest high I have ever felt. I just can’t explain what it feels like playing our music, all the words we wrote and the notes and chords we created, on stage to a room full of people who just get it. And even though none of these people have ever seen us live before, to watch them, you’d never know. It’s almost like we’re back home in Boston before any of this even happened. It’s like living a dream in real life.

  Only this time, it really is real life. Real fucking life. And it doesn’t get any better than this. It’s amazing, it blows me away, honestly blows me away and I don’t think I’m ever going to get sick of this feeling.

  When we come off stage I make a beeline for the back of the room. I know I should probably talk to some of these people first, but I can’t, I don’t, there’s something I have to do before anything else. When I reach her I wrap my arms around her waist, picking her. She laughs as her arms go around my neck and before she can say anything I press my mouth to hers and kiss her… hard.

  “Luke,” she breathes against me. “That was amazing. Amazing!”

  I pull back so I can look in her eyes and watch as she smiles at me. “Thank you for being here tonight, for always being here,” I whisper.

  She just leans in and rests her forehead on mine as she whispers, “Always, Luke.”

  And she has been. She’s been at every single show we’ve played, since the night I wrote and sang my very first song for her. Fuck, that night, that night changed everything between us and in such a good way. An amazing way.

  Before that night, I knew I loved Asha, but after that night, I truly fell in love with Asha. And it’s only grown stronger and bigger and more intense, every single day since.

  Track 36 (B side) – Her Song

  Beautiful, beautiful girl

  How much I long to make you smile

  Bring back the light to your life

  Beautiful, beautiful girl

  Have you let me love you for a while

  ∞

  “You alright man?”

  “Huh?” I say, lifting my head off the wall.

  “You alright?” Jared asks, gesturing toward the guitar in my hands, the one I hadn’t realised I’d even stopped playing.

  I blow out a breath. “Yeah, I think so.” Am I? What the hell is she going to think about this?

  “Not backing out?”

  I take another deep breath and push off the wall. “No,” I say with certainty. “I need to do this.”

  And I do. Even after everything that happened last night, locked in the kitchen at work with her while I attempted to cook, I still need to do this. Me kissing her last night, really kissing her, was never going to change me wanting and needing to do this tonight. But fuck me, last night. I can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about her. I didn’t sleep at all after I got home; could still feel her lips on mine, her arms wrapped around me, her body pressed against mine. I wanted so badly to kiss her again, to kiss her all night, to kiss her forever.

  It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I’ve last seen her, but already I’m aching for her. Not going into work today was pretty much the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a really long time. I wonder if she missed me, even half as much as I’ve missed her. If last night has messed with her brain like it has with mine.

  I know she’s here already. Pete came and told me about ten minutes ago. I kinda want to go out and find her, but I know if I do, I will kiss her again and if I kiss her again, I will never make it on stage and if I never make it on stage, then I won’t do this. And I need to do this. I want to do this.

  “Then it’ll all be good, Luke, it’ll all be good.” Jared continues, interrupting my thoughts as he slaps me on the shoulder. I try smiling at him, but he just laughs at my pathetic effort. “Come on, let’s go show this girl how you really feel about her.”

  I nod, pick up my other guitar and together we all head out on stage. The crowd is deafening as we walk out there. It’s the best thing about playing these local places; the people get to know you. Actually treat you like a rock star, as though you are famous and they are your number one fan.

  There is only one fan I care about tonight though.

  I scan the crowd looking for her, the darkened corners where I know she likes to hide. And as my eyes finally find hers, I nearly fall to my knees. Fuck. She looks amazing, so fucking amazing. How the hell am I going to get through this?

  I can’t stop staring at her and when I walk up to the microphone to talk to the crowd, I’m speaking only to her. When my words echo through the hushed club, all the way to the back, where she is standing, leaning against the wall, I see her mouth lift in the tiniest of smiles. A smile just for me. And that’s when I know.

  I can do this.

  Neither of us takes our eyes off each other for the rest of the show. I don�
��t remember a single thing about it, not one single thing. Until we get to the end that is. While the applause continues, the others all leave the stage, Jared winking at me in reassurance as he walks past. I turn and change my guitars over, before walking back to the microphone and finding her eyes once more.

  She watches me intently as I take a deep breath and swallow my nerves. “This is for you,” I say, right to her, before I close my eyes and start to play.

  By the time I get to the end of the second line, I open my eyes again, wanting to watch her. They are immediately fixed on hers. She is standing so still, at the back of the room, her face, a myriad of emotions, but the biggest one, the only one I’m really seeing, is want.

  She looks exactly like I feel and it’s taking every ounce of self-control I have just to stay on this stage and finish her song. I don’t know how my fingers play these chords. I don’t know how my voice finds the words, matches the notes. I don’t know how the hell I do any of it, because the only thing I see, the only thing I feel… is her.

  I want her, so badly.

  When I finally finish singing her song, the crowd goes crazy. I barely notice them; just keep my eyes on Ash, watching her reaction. She doesn’t clap, but that’s okay, because her eyes, her body, tell me so much more. Her song, this song I wrote just for her, it wasn’t too much, because she knows what I see. And she knows that I want her anyway, that I’m not giving up on her. And finally, she isn’t afraid of that anymore. Her fear of me, or us, of all of the possibilities, is gone.

  My heart is pounding as I leave the stage, dumping my guitars with the rest of our gear and walking out to find her. I watch her the whole time, ignoring the people who are trying to talk to me, the hands that are grabbing me. She watches me walking towards her and as someone hands me a drink, I stand beside her, our arms touching, fire coursing through my veins at her nearness.