Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “We’re stopping for hamburgers at the Heuvelton Deli,” Henry announced. “Then we’ll drive down to the river and eat them along the water’s edge.”

  “That’s okay with me,” Susanna agreed. But the word boring was on the tip of her lips.

  “Here we are,” he announced minutes later. “Heuvelton’s finest fast food at your service.”

  Ranger pulled to a stop, and Susanna gasped. Surely this couldn’t be… Was that Joey’s car she saw? Yah! And there he stood with his arms crossed, wearing the biggest smile she had seen in a long time.

  Somehow he had found out their plans and had come to look for her. She couldn’t stop her heart from pounding like Ranger’s hooves on the open road.

  Chapter Four

  Susanna hesitated at the restaurant door. Joey hadn’t approached her even after her smile of welcome. Henry had tied Ranger securely and had followed her toward the entrance. “Is something wrong?” he asked.

  “No,” she told him. “I’m okay.”

  Henry didn’t appear convinced. “If you want to, we can stay here instead of going down to the water with the others. Whatever makes you happy.”

  Susanna nodded, but she didn’t move. Why hadn’t Joey come over to greet her? Maybe Joey knew she was uncomfortable with Henry along. Maybe he even thought Henry wasn’t her brother. Susanna took a deep breath.

  “I need to speak with someone. I’ll be right back,” she said, and scurried off.

  “Who?” Henry hollered after her.

  Susanna didn’t pause to answer amid her dash across the parking lot.

  Joey turned toward her as she approached. “So I’m not going to be ignored,” he teased. “I thought for a moment you had gone into hiding.”

  “I’m sorry, Joey,” Susanna said. “Things have come up, but I can explain.”

  “Dating someone?” he asked with a glance toward Henry, who was still standing by the restaurant door with a frown on his face.

  “That’s my brother,” Susanna whispered. She forced a smile. “Would you like to meet him?”

  Joey glanced around at several of the Amish young people who had paused in the parking lot and were now beginning to stare at them. “Things feel a little tense around here all of a sudden,” he said. “Maybe we could get away somewhere.”

  Susanna tried to laugh. “Oh, they won’t bite. Come, I want you to meet my brother Henry and some of the others.”

  Joey shrugged and followed her across the parking lot. Henry was still frowning, but Susanna ignored him and said, “This is Joey, Henry. And Joey, my brother Henry. He was kind enough to bring me into town tonight.”

  Questions danced in Joey’s eyes, but he only nodded and greeted Henry. “Good evening. How are you?”

  Henry hesitated. “Fine,” he finally said, “and a goot evening to you.”

  Henry led the way inside while Joey held the door for Susanna.

  “We’re going down to the water’s edge after we’ve purchased food to eat,” Susanna said. “You want to come along?”

  “Sure!” Joey’s face brightened. “Sounds like a great plan, and I’ll get to partake in a little Amish life.” Joey looked over his shoulder at several of the Amish young people who had entered behind them. They chattered to each other in Pennsylvania Dutch, and Joey grinned. “But then there’s Amish talk. You’ll have to speak my language when I’m in earshot—none of this German stuff when you address me.”

  Henry kept his back turned and acted as though he didn’t hear Joey’s prattle. Susanna smiled but kept quiet. She didn’t know what to say. Henry’s response to Joey had been understandable, but the others were showing their disapproval even more distinctly. What was wrong with everyone? She was still on her rumspringa and had done nothing excessive. She hadn’t sought Joey out in the past week, nor had she tonight. Besides, they were only friends, so there was no reason for everyone to act this way. Maybe she should just leave with Joey. Daett would be upset, but Henry wouldn’t be blamed. But she’d better not. She was rebellious, but not that rebellious.

  Susanna kept her gaze away from the others as she stood behind Joey and waited to order.

  Henry had already placed his order and was still frowning. Maybe Joey was right. They should go find a place they could talk. She couldn’t leave Henry to drive home alone though. How would she get home? If Joey took her home, that would spell disaster. Daett might confront Joey. She didn’t want that, so she would have to settle for something less. Maybe Joey could go down to the river with them, if the others—

  “Hey, your turn!” Joey whispered.

  Susanna jumped. “Sorry. I was daydreaming.”

  “What would you like, miss?” The young man behind the counter appeared amused.

  “The same as him,” Susanna said, not caring. She couldn’t even remember what Joey had ordered, but his choices were always delicious.

  She glanced over at Henry, his face now dark as a thundercloud. The implications of her ease and comfort with Joey had not been lost to him. This was exactly why Henry had been entrusted with her care, to prevent contact with Joey, and he obviously felt like a failure.

  Susanna met Joey’s gaze and smiled, but she looked away at once. She shouldn’t display her real emotions here. In the meantime she wouldn’t think about the disapproval of those around them. She’d think about Joey and the goot times they’d shared. It was likely this would be their last night together, which was an awful thought. When their orders were ready, Henry tugged on her arm. “Susanna! Here’s your order. Come with me. Now!”

  When Susanna hesitated, Henry tugged again.

  “But he’s coming too.” Susanna sent a quick glance toward Joey.

  “That I am,” Joey responded.

  “Not in the buggy,” Henry snapped, his voice a bit too loud. “Now come.” He pulled hard on Susanna’s arm this time, and she gave in. Joey could follow them in his car. That was best anyway.

  “You’re making a scene,” Susanna muttered on their way out. Her sandwich bag caught on the door frame, but Henry didn’t stop. The bag ripped, and a piece of brown paper stayed behind. At least her sandwich was still in her hand.

  “I’m not making a scene. You are,” Henry grumbled. “I’m not the one who made plans to meet their Englisha loved one in the middle of Heuvelton.”

  “I didn’t plan this, Henry. And besides, I’m on my rumspringa,” Susanna retorted.

  Henry untied Ranger and climbed in the buggy before he answered. “Your rumspringa needs to end. You’re marrying Ernest. Let’s keep that truth in front of our eyes.”

  “Why are you making such a big deal about this? It’s not as if I want to marry Joey. We’re just friends,” Susanna protested. Henry didn’t answer but drove Ranger out onto the street at breakneck speed.

  “Slow down,” she ordered.

  “We’re going home,” he said, his face set.

  “No, we’re not,” Susanna shot back.

  Henry said nothing as the waters from the town’s river appeared in front of them and the road toward home became visible across the bridge.

  “Joey will follow us home,” Susanna said. “Is that what you want?”

  Henry pulled back on the reins and looked at her. “Are you telling the truth, Susanna? Would he follow us?”

  “I don’t know for sure,” Susanna admitted. “But he might. He will want to know what’s going on. I told him we were headed to the water.”

  Henry pondered the point for a moment. At the last second he pulled left on the reins. The open buggy tilted to the side as they made the turn. Two blocks later Henry pulled off the street and onto the riverbank. Ranger came to a halt, and Henry let the reins hang loose. There was no place to tie up, but Ranger had been here before. The routine was established.

  “You behave yourself now,” Henry said out of the corner of his mouth. “And Mamm and Daett need not know about this.”

  “Thank you,” Susanna told him. “I appreciate what you’re doing for me.” />
  Henry didn’t answer, but he climbed down from the buggy with his bagged sandwich in one hand. Susanna tried to breathe evenly. That Henry should offer to keep this evening a secret warmed her heart, but his offer would only go so far. The word would get around the community from the others that she had asked Joey to join their gathering. She would deal with that later.

  With trembling hands Susanna climbed down from the buggy. She almost tripped when her foot hit the ground, but she caught herself with one hand on the wheel. Thankfully Joey hadn’t pulled in yet. He didn’t need to see this display of clumsiness. The rest of the evening must be perfect, since it could be her last with Joey. She forced a smile as Joey parked across the street and with quick steps crossed over and came to a stop beside her.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked.

  “Yah, I’ve got things straightened out with my brother…for now. Thanks for following us down here,” Susanna said.

  Joey smiled and took her hand. “Come,” he said. “Let’s walk by the river and find a nice spot to sit and eat away from the others.”

  “I couldn’t agree more,” Susanna said with a quick glance over her shoulder. Henry had backed off and joined the others. It was right that she should spend what could be the last evening of her rumspringa with Joey, Susanna told herself. She already knew the others disapproved, so what greater damage could she do?

  The tinkle of the flowing water filled Susanna’s ears as they walked along the bank. Her hand grew warm in Joey’s tender grasp. She smiled up into his face and leaned against his shoulder. Was he more than a friend? Maybe he could be someday, if only their relationship would be allowed to continue and grow. But that could never be.

  “How about here?” Joey asked. He didn’t wait for an answer before he lowered himself onto the grass.

  Susanna smoothed her dress before she followed Joey’s example. A desire to pull off her shoes and run her feet through the spring grass came over her. But did she dare? Yah, she would. With a quick motion, Susanna set her sandwich on the bank and slipped off her shoes. The socks came next. Susanna didn’t look up at Joey as she moved her feet through the grass. When she dared glance at his face, his smile was all the answer she needed.

  “We used to do that in the summertime when we were kids,” Joey said. “But we got away from the practice. Looks like you hung on.”

  “It’s not something to let go of,” Susanna said. “That’s what our people believe.”

  “For once I like an Amish custom.” Joey grinned. “Nice feet.”

  Susanna reddened and tucked both of them under her dress. “You shouldn’t say things like that.”

  “What? Complimenting your feet? Come on, Susanna. Is that so wrong?”

  “I guess not,” Susanna managed. “Thanks for caring enough to find me tonight. I was hoping you would.”

  “Well, we missed you at the house last weekend, so we were beginning to wonder. Is something going on I should know about?”

  “I…” Susanna began but then stopped. “Let’s not talk about it, please. Let’s enjoy the evening and this moment.”

  “Then there is something going on.” Joey studied her face. “Please tell me, Susanna. I would hate to think you won’t come by the house as often…or any more at all. Is it something we’ve said or done? Do your parents object? Would it help if I spoke to them?”

  Susanna shook her head. That was the exact wrong approach. But how could she explain? Susanna began again. “I…really can’t tell you. Not now. Not at this moment.”

  “Well then, will you promise me you won’t disappear without a trace?”

  “You know where I live.” Susanna forced a laugh. “You can always stop by.” There, she had said the words despite her misgivings, but she simply couldn’t help herself. She didn’t want this to end. Not tonight. Not ever.

  Chapter Five

  Ernest Helmuth paused near his barn door for a moment, having just finished his chores. His sister Katherine would have breakfast ready by now, but he wanted to savor this quiet moment alone. Sunday morning had dawned with clear skies, and the warmth of a south wind was blowing up from the valley below. The trees were ready to bud, and the ground was bursting with new life. Tomorrow he would be in the fields for the last of the spring plowing.

  The Lord had blessed even as He had taken away. Naomi was gone, and he had mourned her death for months. The sorrow still lingered along with a deep discontentment. Naomi would never come back, but there should be a frau in the house with breakfast prepared for him. His seventeen-year-old sister, Katherine, had taken over since Naomi’s passing, and she had handled the household duties with grace and joy in her heart. He was not ungrateful, but even goot things must come to an end. He could not impose on Katherine forever, nor on the good graces of his parents. At their age, they could use Katherine’s help on the homeplace. Instead he had Katherine tied up with the care of his two young girls, Lizzie and Martha. He compensated his parents for Katherine’s time, but that didn’t get the work done at home.

  “We are glad to help out where we can,” Mamm often told him.

  Daett always nodded, and sometimes said, “When your heart is healed, son, then we will think of what comes next.”

  He knew what that meant. He was eventually expected to find and marry a proper woman who could care for Lizzie and Martha. His parents continued to wait, but action would also be expected from him. In fact, he should already have a Sunday evening date lined up with an available unmarried woman from the community. There were plenty of decent choices from which to pick. Two young widows lived in the district, but he had settled his mind on Susanna Miller—and more than just settled. The truth was, he was completely taken by the girl. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of Susanna at the Sunday services, and he had made several unnecessary trips over to the Millers’ place on needless errands in the hopes he would get a chance to speak with the girl. But Susanna hadn’t appeared, and he had been reduced to incoherent mumbles in his conversations with Susanna’s Daett, Ralph.

  “Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?” he had asked. “The Lord has been gracious again this year.”

  “Yah,” Ralph had allowed. “That it is. We receive both the rain and the sunshine as from the Lord’s hand.”

  “I used to enjoy the rain as a boy,” Ernest had said. “I used to take my shoes off to clomp through the barnyard puddles. I appreciated the heritage the Lord gave us from a young age. Seems like my heart has always been with the community and the life we live here. May the Lord’s name be uplifted and praised among His people.”

  Ralph had looked strangely at him. “We all have our memories, I suppose. And I, too, love our way of life.”

  “Well, tell Susanna hello for me,” Ernest had managed before driving quickly out of the lane.

  He was sure Ralph understood and even approved of his intentions, but he knew that Ralph would likely approve of any man from the community who called on his daughter. He had learned of Susanna’s past from his parents after he mentioned Susanna’s name a few weeks ago in their presence.

  “All the older people know this,” his Mamm had informed him. “Ralph made his wishes known years ago when he took Susanna into his home after his marriage to Linda. No one is to speak to Susanna about her past. I doubt she even knows the truth herself. Of course, people can tell the tale when their sons show an interest in her, so I’m sure the story has been told often. The girl is quite goot-looking, and doubtless has generated plenty of interest. You should consider what we told you, Ernest. Considering her background, Susanna could be unstable. Look at the reports we’ve been getting on her wild rumspringa time. She’s not the frau to replace Naomi, Ernest.”

  “No one can replace Naomi,” Ernest had told them. “And this interest I have in Susanna is of the Lord.” So they had fallen silent and let the matter lie.

  The story of Susanna’s past had not changed his mind. There was no reason that the sins of the parents should be held to the child
’s account. The Lord had said so Himself in the Old Testament. Susanna was not to blame. The blessing of the Lord was on the girl, and there should be no obstacles in his path to marrying her. He would approach Susanna directly. It just wasn’t the time yet.

  But Mamm was right on one point. By now many of the unmarried men in the community knew the true story of Susanna’s birth. Yet none of them had the courage to continue their pursuit of Susanna’s hand in marriage. They did not have his faith. The Lord had given him great grace in this matter. Perhaps this came because of the pain he had suffered after Naomi’s death. Did not the Lord give back what He took? He could think of no other reason to explain the confidence that stirred inside of him. Susanna would be his frau by this fall, and he would be the man to comfort Ralph’s heart.

  What a great honor had been bestowed upon him. Ralph and Linda had doubtless spent many a sleepless night in prayer for their daughter. How else had Susanna matured into the beautiful girl that she was? Maybe what Mamm said about Ralph not having done everything right was true, but he had made up for his mistakes by raising Susanna correctly. Susanna’s rumspringa time would be over soon, at which point he would speak with Ralph. That might even happen the next time he saw the man. There was no reason not to. Susanna would make any man a decent frau, if that man could overlook her past.

  Look at the goot character the woman had. Susanna knew how to cook and keep house as well as the other women in the community. Maybe someday he would tell her about the deep pit the Lord had rescued her from, but on the other hand, some things were best left in the Lord’s hands. He would use wisdom in the matter. The urgent thing was to proceed with his plans.