Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Ernest!” The call from his sister brought Ernest out of his reverie. “What are you daydreaming about now? I’ve had breakfast ready for twenty minutes.”

  “I’m sorry,” Ernest muttered, hurrying toward the house. “I was just thinking of the fine Sunday morning the Lord has given us.”

  Katherine eyed him with skepticism. “Well, breakfast is cold by now,” she said, retreating with a frown on her face.

  Ernest hung his coat near the living room stove and followed Katherine into the kitchen. Both Lizzie and Martha were sitting in their normal places with smiles on their faces.

  “Goot morning, Daett,” four-year-old Lizzie called out.

  Ernest paused to kiss the top of Lizzie’s head. A small white kapp would soon cover her lively curls for the church services, but Katherine hadn’t gotten to the task. Three-year-old Martha peered up at him, and he leaned down to kiss her chubby cheek. Martha glowed, but said nothing. The girl needed a mamm, Ernest reminded himself. Katherine was doing a goot job, but there was nothing like a girl’s own mamm.

  “You’re dawdling again,” Katherine said. “Sit.” She pointed to his chair.

  “Yah, I know,” Ernest grumbled. “You don’t have to be so bossy.”

  “You need bossing,” Katherine said. “Mamm told me so this past week. She said to make life miserable for you, and then perhaps you’d hurry and do the right thing and…” Katherine looked away. “But I suppose it’s not decent to speak of such things, even with my own brother.”

  Ernest chuckled. “It’s decent if plainspokenness is called for. And you’ll be thinking of such things yourself before long. I saw Joe Schrock give you smiles last Sunday after the service. You didn’t seem to object. Are you speaking with each other at the young people’s gatherings?”

  “That’s none of your business,” Katherine snapped. She sat down on the kitchen chair and glared at Ernest. “Stop teasing me and pray, please. I’m hungry.”

  Ernest stifled his laugh to bow his head in silent prayer. At home, his daett led out in a spoken prayer, but he had never developed the practice with Naomi. Perhaps he would once he wed Susanna. That would be a worthy moment to move on with his spiritual development. For now, he declared only the “Amen” with gusto.

  Katherine passed him the plate of eggs and scolded, “You’re mighty cheerful this morning after all that daydreaming.”

  Ernest only smiled as he helped Lizzie and Martha with their food.

  “You are taking Mamm’s advice to heart, aren’t you?” Katherine continued.

  Ernest shrugged. “It depends which advice you are referring to. If it’s about marrying again, then yah, I’m taking it to heart. I know you’re doing a great job here, but I also know I shouldn’t be keeping you much longer. I’m hoping I can soon ask a woman home on a formal date. In fact, I have already spoken with her daett—sort of.”

  “Goot!” Katherine said. “So is it Laura or Hannah? You know that’s who Mamm thinks you should consider. And she’s right. You could be married to either of them this spring yet.”

  Ernest paused with his fork lifted. “I know that’s what Mamm thinks, but what makes you believe I’d ask either of those women home for a Sunday evening date?”

  Katherine waved her hand about. “Well, all three of you have children and you’ve all been married before. It only makes sense. So is it one of them? You can tell me. I won’t say anything until you say it’s okay.”

  Ernest didn’t answer as the image of Susanna’s face appeared in front of him. Her beauty took his breath away and he stopped chewing for a moment.

  Katherine waved her hand in front of his face. “You’re spacing out again, Ernest. So which one is it?”

  Ernest didn’t answer. He could imagine Susanna sitting right where Katherine was sitting now. She looked so at home and at peace. Susanna was the woman for him.

  “So which one is it?” Katherine leaned forward. “It’s got to be Hannah or Laura. I know Laura’s a little on the heavy side, but Hannah goes the other way and could use a few pounds. I, of course, understand that. Hannah has suffered a lot since her David passed last year. She would be my pick. The pounds would come back if you wed her and brought happiness into her life.”

  Ernest kept his face passive. Let Katherine think she was correct. That was better than guessing games. The girl didn’t need to know of his interest in Susanna Miller, and Mamm obviously hadn’t told her. The matter could remain secret until he took Susanna home from the hymn singing, which would be soon, he hoped.

  “Ernest!” Katherine’s voice rose again. “I give up on you. But just for the record, I’m sure I’m right. You wouldn’t fall for Laura. She’s not your type.”

  “What is my type?” Ernest asked.

  Katherine’s face lit up. “The man speaks. I think Hannah’s your type.”

  Ernest grinned and remained silent. He was through with this conversation, but he couldn’t shut Katherine up without offense. The girl would have to speak her fill.

  “I know I’m right,” Katherine continued. “Hannah would make a decent sister-in-law. She’s a little on the moody side, but I can’t blame her. You’ll cheer her up, and with the extra work around the house, Hannah would regain her health fully. And your two little girls…” Katherine glanced at Lizzie and Martha. “They are the sweetest things. You’d be goot for each other, and Hannah’s son Isaac would fit right in with this family. I’d say the Lord has opened the door wide, Ernest, if only you have the sense to walk through it.”

  Ernest laughed. “Okay, enough of that. On my part I feel sorry for the extra work we’ve been for you since Naomi passed. But you have done well. In fact, you’ve gone way above anything I could have expected.”

  “Thank you,” Katherine said. “That’s nice of you to say, but you’re changing the subject. I still think you should ask Hannah home soon—perhaps this evening.”

  “Yah, I know you favor Hannah,” Ernest said. “But I’m not of a mind to ask Hannah home from the hymn singing—not this evening or perhaps ever.”

  Katherine gave him a sharp look. “Well, just remember what Mamm said. You must do more than think about things.”

  Lizzie looked up at him to chirp, “What must you do, Daett?”

  Ernest smiled down at her. “You’re too young for this conversation, Lizzie. Just eat your eggs before they get cold.”

  Katherine gave him a glare. “Lizzie’s eggs got cold a long time ago while their Daett dawdled at the barn door.”

  “You’ll never capture young Joe’s heart with that scowl,” Ernest teased.

  Katherine made a face at him. “Maybe that’s already happened, brother of mine. Sorry to disappoint you.”

  Ernest shrugged and dished out the oatmeal for both girls. He didn’t much care for young Joe, but Katherine wasn’t about to ask for his opinion or listen to any feelings he might express. He stirred the milk into the oatmeal as his mind drifted back to Susanna Miller. He’d see her today, and his heart would beat faster. She’d sit in her usual place among the unmarried girls. Behind Susanna would be Laura and Hannah, seated in the married women’s section as widows did, but neither woman stirred his emotions like Susanna.

  Katherine’s voice cut through his thoughts. “You have that same look on your face that Susanna Miller did last night down by the river in Heuvelton. That girl’s in love with that Englisha boy, Joey Macalister. She’s headed for lots of trouble, if you ask me. Falling in love with Englisha people while on your rumspringa is about the worst thing that can happen.”

  Ernest stared at his sister. “What did you say?”

  “If you’d listen instead of daydreaming,” Katherine told him, “you would have heard the first time. I said that Susanna Miller is playing with fire. Hopefully she’ll come to her senses. We can’t have more of our young people jumping the fence like the Troyer sisters did last year, or we’ll soon not be allowed out of the house on Saturday nights.”

  “Yah,” Ernest agreed, even
as his mind raced. Susanna was in love? At least Katherine seemed to think so, and with an Englisha man? Katherine must be wrong, just as she was wrong about him and Hannah.

  “Can we give thanks now?” Katherine said. “I have to clean the kitchen and change both girls before it’s time to leave for the service.”

  Ernest nodded and bowed his head for a silent prayer. All he could see, though, was Susanna’s face.

  Chapter Six

  Joey slowed for the turn onto Maple Ridge Road. Ahead of him lay the Millers’ place. His foot hesitated a moment on the accelerator before he pressed down again. Susanna had said he could stop by whenever he wished, so he would. Something smelled of trouble—and with the Amish being so strict, the trouble could be just about anything. He knew this trip was risky. If he wished to win Susanna’s affection, a little discretion might be in order. There was no sense in offending her family or the Amish community.

  On the other hand, was there any hope that he could capture Susanna’s heart and earn the community’s approval of their relationship? None, if he knew the Amish. The way the Amish young folks had acted in Heuvelton the other night had convinced him of that. He had forgotten that people still existed who didn’t marry outside of their faith. His only access to Susanna was because of her traditional rumspringa time, when their young people sampled the outside ways to decide if they really wanted to stay Amish.

  One thing was certain. His plans did not fit the Amish way of life. And yet his interest in Susanna now went beyond friendship even though Susanna seemed oblivious to the fact. She always referred to him as a friend. Why, he wasn’t sure, because if he had to guess, he felt certain Susanna shared his feelings. At any rate, it was time he at least faced the truth. He loved Susanna and he wanted to pursue a deeper relationship with her. The Amish community would have to deal with that. If she left the community, she wouldn’t be the first one to do so. He had heard from Susanna herself that sometimes young folks in the community “jumped the fence,” as she had called it.

  Joey slowed for the Millers’ driveway and eased his Toyota up to the barn. Two buggies were parked nearby with their shafts turned toward the road. Apparently someone planned to use them later in the day, but on a Sunday afternoon, surely everyone would be home.

  Joey stepped out of the car, the gravel crunching under his feet. He hesitated for a moment. Did he dare approach the front door? That was what a normal suitor did when he called on his girl, but this was no normal situation. The contrast between his vehicle and the two black buggies could not be starker. As if in answer to his question, the front door opened and a tall, bearded Amish man walked out. The man, likely Susanna’s father, pulled down the brim of his hat and headed toward Joey with a purposeful step. Joey waited. Apparently a confrontation lay ahead. But where was Susanna? She must have seen him drive in. From the look on the man’s face, he had certainly surmised who he was. Should he leave? Avoid trouble? But how would he explain his retreat to Susanna later? He couldn’t expect her to bear all the burden of their obviously unwelcomed relationship.

  Joey planted on a smile and greeted the approaching man. “Good afternoon, Mr. Miller. You have a nice place here.”

  Susanna’s father stopped a few feet away. His face was somber and his eyes were blazing. “And you are Joey, I presume.” He didn’t wait for a response. “You are not welcome here, Joey. Please leave before there is further damage done to my daughter’s heart. And you are not to see her again. I want to make that clear. Her rumspringa days are at a close, and she will be staying home on the weekends from now on. Susanna belongs to the community, not the outside world.” The man waved his hand toward the distant town. “Do you understand that?”

  Joey cleared his throat. “I came to call on your daughter, Mr. Miller.”

  “Ralph is goot enough,” he interrupted. “We do not call each other fancy titles around here.”

  “Okay, Ralph then.” Joey shrugged. “I don’t wish to offend you.”

  “In that case you should leave at once.” Ralph’s voice was clipped.

  Stubbornness rose inside of Joey. People didn’t normally give him orders. “I’m not planning to do your daughter any harm. You have nothing to worry about from me.”

  “You have already done harm,” Ralph said. “I should have put my foot down a long time ago, but I didn’t. Now it’s time. Susanna belongs with us and the community.”

  “I didn’t know you could own people these days.” A hint of a smile played on Joey’s face. “I think the days of slavery are past.”

  Ralph didn’t seem flustered. “We all belong somewhere, Joey, and Susanna’s world is here, at our house. Someday it will be with her husband when the Lord unites them in holy marriage.”

  Joey pulled himself up straighter. “Mr. Miller…I mean, Ralph, am I not also a man?”

  “Out there, I suppose you are.” Ralph smiled for the first time. “But in here you are not a man of the community. That is what matters. You will have to answer before the Lord for how you live your life, but we also have to answer for how we live ours. A man violates his conscience at the risk of his own soul.”

  “But what of Susanna?” Joey asked. “After all, she invited me to visit.”

  “She did not know what was in her best interest,” Ralph replied. “You will leave now and not come back. Do you understand?”

  Joey didn’t move. “I would like to speak with Susanna first. Not to insult you, Ralph, as you are her father, but…”

  The man’s eyes blazed again. “Yah, that I am. And I am charged with determining what is best for her. I tell you again that Susanna’s happiness does not lie out there. Now go. You have done enough damage. Much prayer will be needed to repair the wrong you have done. We may even have to speak of things with Susanna that only the Lord should speak to her heart. Now leave.”

  Joey turned, but hesitated. What could he do? This was the man’s property. He couldn’t force entry to see Susanna. He’d just have to find Susanna the following weekend in Heuvelton. But hadn’t Mr. Miller said she wouldn’t be going out anymore? He turned back to face Ralph again. “You will keep your daughter home now on the weekends?” he asked. “Did I hear right?”

  Ralph nodded. “You heard right. Susanna will be here where she belongs.”

  “She knows our house is always open to her,” Joey protested. “Susanna enjoys the time she spends with us. Have you heard her play the piano? She’s still learning, but Mom claims that with the proper training, Susanna could go far. Would you keep that from your daughter? Hasn’t the Lord given us music to enjoy?”

  Ralph opened his mouth but closed it when the front door burst open and Susanna hurried out. She ran off the front porch and slowed only for the last few steps to halt in front of them. She glanced between her father and Joey. “Daett, I want to speak with Joey,” she said.

  Ralph held out both hands as if to shoo her back inside. “You should not even be out here with this man.”

  Susanna’s voice was firm. “Joey is my friend.”

  Ralph stepped closer with his hands still raised. “Go in the house at once, Susanna. We have much to speak of, but now is not the time.”

  Susanna didn’t move. “If you won’t let us speak here, then I’ll leave with him so we can speak somewhere else. Daett, I’m sorry, but there is nothing you can do about that.”

  “You must not do this,” Daett said, not moving.

  Susanna reached over to touch his hand. “Please don’t make this more difficult than it is. You know that I love you and Mamm, but I must know for sure before I settle down. Isn’t that what rumspringa is about? Have you not told me so many times yourself?”

  Ralph still didn’t move. “You must love the Lord above all else, Susanna. I cannot give my word or blessing to this thing. You must not leave.”

  Tears filled Susanna’s eyes. “Then I must leave without your blessing, Daett. It grieves me deeply, but it cannot be otherwise. My heart would never know itself again if I do
n’t.”

  Joey held his breath. Slowly her father yielded and stepped back. Joey reached for the passenger’s door handle and held it open. Without a word Susanna climbed in, her face set. Joey hurried over to the other side, slid in, and started the engine. As he drove away, he checked the mirror to see Ralph still in the yard with his hat off and his head bowed. It was as if he was praying. This he had not expected. His family was religious, but this was…well, way out there. In his world there were no confrontations in the front yard followed by prayers toward heaven.

  Joey accelerated and eased the car back onto Maple Ridge Road. Susanna still hadn’t spoken. Joey glanced back to the Miller home for a final look. Ralph was still standing in the yard with his head down, his hat on the grass by his feet.

  “Just take me to your house,” Susanna whispered, tears on her cheek.

  Joey reached over to touch her hand. “You don’t have to do this,” he said. “I mean, I’m not trying to break anyone’s heart or tear your family apart.”

  “Just drive,” she said. “You’re breaking no one’s heart that wasn’t already broken.”

  Joey took her hand again and didn’t let go until he pulled into the Macalisters’ driveway. He parked beside the garage and sat still for a moment.

  “Shall we go in?” he finally asked.

  Susanna didn’t move. “Give me a moment, please.” Her voice choked. “I don’t want your mamm to see me like this.”

  “My mother’s not home,” Joey said. “We have the house to ourselves.”

  Susanna’s face lightened. “Then let’s go in.”

  Joey opened his door and hurried around to the other side of the car, but Susanna had already climbed out. He took her hand and led the way toward the house. “Where were you when I drove in at your parents’ place?” he asked.

  Susanna gave him a small smile. “I was in my everyday dress. I had to change.”

  Joey chuckled. “I’m sure you looked fine. You left me to face your father’s wrath alone.”

  Susanna dropped her gaze. “I knew you could handle Daett. He’s only upset because he cares so much for me. I don’t know why he has to clamp down so suddenly on my behavior. I guess I have no one to blame but myself, but maybe I wouldn’t be so rebellious if he’d be slower to act. Sometimes it’s almost as if…”