Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Ernest shook his head. “I have not. I am a man who trusts the Lord, and so far all the signs point toward His blessing on our eventual union.”

  Deacon Herman shifted on his feet. “Be patient with my boldness, Ernest, but can you tell me how Susanna reacted when you asked her to be your frau?”

  Ernest snorted. “I didn’t know the ministry had descended to asking after the sweet words lovers speak to each other. I thought you had plenty of other things to occupy you—such as people who break the ordnung.” Ernest waved his hand about. “I will not speak of private things we told each other. It would not be fair to Susanna.”

  “This is serious, Ernest,” Deacon Herman probed. “I mean no offense, but some questions must be asked. I thought this one might shed light on the situation and ease our minds.”

  “I will see to Susanna’s unhappiness,” Ernest said. “I love the woman, and Susanna is my responsibility.”

  Silence settled between the two men for several moments. “I guess I should be going,” Deacon Herman finally said. “I hope there are no hard feelings.”

  “None at all,” Ernest assured the deacon with his best smile. “I’m sorry you had to trouble yourself in the first place. If this continues, I beg for your patience, but I can assure you that Susanna’s heart is in the right place. She will do what is right.”

  “I’m glad to hear that,” Deacon Herman said as he turned to climb back into his buggy. Ernest hurried forward to untie the deacon’s horse and toss in the tie strap. With a nod of his head, Deacon Herman drove out of the lane.

  He would have to visit the Millers again soon, Ernest told himself. Susanna needed instructions on how to comport herself in public. That was plain to see. He had tried to woo the woman with his young daughters, but it seemed that strong words were also needed. As Susanna’s future husband, it was his duty to speak them.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Joey paused in the aisle of the DeKalb Building Supply. The face of the Amish girl ahead of him seemed familiar. He had seen her before, but where? She glanced in his direction, and Joey smiled. The girl dropped her gaze and hurried around a corner. So much for his attempt at communication with an Amish female. He wanted to ask her if she knew Susanna, and if so, how was she doing? Was she happy in her isolation? Was Susanna on some kind of probation?

  But who exactly to talk to about Susanna—that was the question. An Amish girl seemed his best bet. The faces of the bearded men forebode nothing but trouble, and the younger men might have a romantic interest in Susanna. They might be even more hostile to his questions than the older men.

  He would have to take a chance. That’s all there was to it. He was convinced Susanna didn’t belong in the Amish community. The impression he had was of a cloistered nun locked up in some medieval convent, all without the young woman’s consent. The whole affair was wrong. Susanna must be under some duress. Her voice on the cell phone had convinced him of that. He must make contact with her, but he couldn’t bring himself to drive to the Millers’ place without Susanna’s permission. That could be a minefield, and Susanna’s father might broadcast Joey’s attempt to the others. Then he would lose what little hope he presently had of making contact with someone from the community.

  Joey paused for a moment. Why was the Amish girl in the store familiar to him? He thought harder, and the memory of his last evening in Heuvelton with Susanna drifted through his mind. That was where he had seen the girl. She had been in the group of Amish young folks before they broke off to eat down by the river. Maybe the girl would remember him, which would make the introduction easier. He must try, whether his attempt was successful or not.

  Joey hurried down the other side of the aisle and nearly ran into the girl at the corner. “I’m so sorry,” he said, while his feet found solid footing. “But may I speak to you for a minute?”

  “Speak to me here?” she squeaked. The girl looked up and down the aisle as if she might flee.

  “I’m Susanna Miller’s friend,” Joey blurted out. It was sink or swim.

  “Susanna’s friend! Oh, yah, I know.” The girl stared at him. “You are Joey then.”

  “Yes,” he admitted. “And I need your help.”

  She hesitated. “Someone might see us, and that would not be goot now that Susanna—” She stopped.

  “What’s your name?” He attempted a disarming smile.

  The effort seemed to bear fruit, but her words were still terse. “I’m Luella Mast, but why do you want to speak with me about Susanna? She’s not supposed to have contact with you.”

  He hesitated and searched for words. “I know that,” he began. “But I don’t know why. Can you tell me?”

  Luella’s words were clipped. “She’s through with her rumspringa time.”

  Joey wrinkled his brow. “I don’t understand exactly what that means, but can you explain why she’s not working here any longer?”

  Alarm showed on Luella’s face. “Susanna’s taking baptismal classes with several others. More than that, I’d best not say.”

  Joey looked around. He felt like a dancer who didn’t know his next move. One mishap and there would be a terrible tangle of feet. Luella would bolt before he could blink.

  “I had best be going,” Luella said. She began to move away.

  Joey made one last desperate stab. “Maybe you could tell me how to find someone who can help me find out what I want to know. Some friend perhaps?” He didn’t dare add anything further.

  Luella shrugged. “I doubt it. We take care of our own problems, you know.”

  He put on his best smile. “I’m not trying to…” He searched for words again. “Please, just tell me where can I find someone.”

  Luella hesitated and then said, “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you could ask Emma Yutzy. I feel sorry for Susanna, and so do several of us. Emma’s in the baptismal class with Susanna. Emma hasn’t told me anything, and she may not tell you, but it’s not right what’s happening between Susanna and—” Luella clamped her lips shut. “I’ve said too much already. Go speak with Emma and see what she tells you. But leave my name out of it.”

  “How can I find Emma?”

  A slight smile played on Luella’s face. “I suppose you wouldn’t know. The family lives on Maple Ridge Road, a few miles past Susanna’s place. They have a roadside stand, and Emma works there each day except Wednesdays and Sundays, of course.” Luella gave him a sharp look and closed her mouth. She hurried off without a backward glance.

  Joey waited until Luella was out of sight before he retreated in the other direction. He had come into the building supply after something, but he couldn’t remember what. Whatever it was could wait. A visit to this Emma’s roadside stand likely would bear no more fruit than this conversation, but he must try—and the sooner the better. He didn’t understand Susanna’s situation, and the conversation with Luella had done nothing to assuage his fears. The whole community apparently knew something he didn’t.

  Joey hurried out to his car and headed north toward Maple Ridge Road. He risked a drive past the Millers’ place, but surely no one would recognize his vehicle in the middle of the day. He didn’t slow down, so hopefully they would think nothing of it even if he was spotted. He turned left onto Maple Ridge Road, and soon the Millers’ homeplace came into view ahead of him. Joey kept an even pace. A wagon with a team of horses bounced out of the barnyard as Joey zipped past, and the young man on the flatbed looked his way to wave. Joey kept his face turned, but lifted his hand in a return wave. A woman’s form appeared in the front window for a moment, but the profile was too heavyset for Susanna. He would go home by a longer route. He had best stay away from the Millers’ place in the daylight hours. The risk was simply too great.

  A mile farther down the road, Joey slowed and began to watch for signs of a roadside stand. The first one came into view, and the sign stated simply Yutzy’s Fresh Fruit and Vegetables. The words were hand drawn onto a piece of plywood, which was nailed to a tree. The s
tand appeared around the next bend, and Joey came to a stop a few car lengths away. No house could be seen, but a lane ran past the stand and into the trees nearby. A girl around Susanna’s age was standing behind the wooden counter, where the vegetables appeared fresh and plentiful. The Yutzys must have a greenhouse, Joey decided. He couldn’t imagine a regular garden producing so much bounty this early in the season.

  Joey opened his car door and stepped out.

  The girl greeted him with a bright smile. “Hi, can I help you?” Her quick glance took in the rows of vegetables set up along the counter.

  Joey smiled back. “Your produce appears excellent, ma’am, but that’s not why I’m here. Are you Emma?”

  She hesitated. “Yah. And you are…?” Recognition filled her face. “You must be Joey.”

  Joey winced. “That I am. I hope that’s not a problem.”

  Emma lowered her head. “It’s not with me, but with some it would be.”

  “That’s what I need to speak to you about.” He leaned on the counter. “Someone who wished to remain anonymous told me to ask you. I need information about what’s going on with Susanna.”

  She tilted her head. “I don’t know about this. It doesn’t seem right.”

  “Please,” he begged. “I need to know.”

  “Then why don’t you speak directly with Susanna?” she asked.

  “You know why,” he said. “I don’t need to explain the ways of your people to you, do I?”

  A smile flitted on her face. “Yah, I know. We are strange sometimes. But you really don’t know about Susanna?” Emma regarded him with a steady gaze.

  Joey kept his response simple. “No, I don’t. Can you tell me?”

  “But if Susanna hasn’t told you…” Her gaze was still on him.

  “I’ve asked,” Joey protested. “But she won’t say, and now I don’t have any contact with her, unless—” Joey stopped. He had best not mention the cell phone.

  “I’m in the baptismal class with Susanna,” Emma said. “Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  Joey threw up his hands. “Not really. I don’t understand the rules of your community.”

  A smile played on Emma’s face. “But you’ve found me. You’re persistent, if nothing else.”

  “Can you help me?” Joey tried again.

  Emma didn’t answer as the beat of a horse’s hooves arose faintly from beyond the bend. Alarm filled her face.

  Joey bent over to examine the vegetables as the buggy came into view. He turned his head enough to catch sight of the man’s long, bearded face and hands firmly on the reins. Emma recovered sufficiently to smile and wave toward the man, who was obviously her father. Joey dug in his pocket for his billfold and lifted a sack of freshly dug potatoes to the countertop. He placed a twenty on the counter, and Emma reached for it as the man in the buggy drove past. Emma looked up to smile again as the man’s gaze swept over them, but he didn’t stop.

  “Are you sure you want these potatoes?” Emma asked once the buggy had disappeared beyond the tree line.

  “I’m not going to back out of this so easily,” Joey muttered. “We’ll eat potatoes all week, I guess.”

  To his surprise Emma giggled and gave him his change.

  His hand hesitated on the potato bag. “Do I have to beg, Emma? I need help, and I’m thinking Susanna does too.”

  She looked away for a moment. “I cannot tell you about…” She shook her head. “Susanna should tell you, and I will tell her she should.”

  “But I—”

  She interrupted, saying, “If you come back next Wednesday on my day off, I will pick up Susanna for a buggy ride. You can meet us beyond the stand about a mile down the road. There’s a grove of trees there, and we won’t be seen. I don’t dare take her toward town, but out here no one seems to think we can get in trouble.”

  “Thank you,” Joey whispered. “I cannot tell—”

  She cut him off again. “Susanna is very unhappy, and my heart hurts for her. It’s not right what’s happening, and Susanna needs to…” She stopped again. “You just come, okay? You can speak with her then.” She hesitated and then added, “Don’t think this is just for Susanna’s sake. I have my own reasons too.”

  The form of the buggy appeared in the trees again, the beat of the horse’s hooves muffled.

  “I’ll be there,” Joey told her. He grabbed the bag of potatoes and beat a hasty retreat. The buggy with the stern-faced man in it stopped by the stand as Joey climbed in his car. The man jumped out to unload several boxes of vegetables, green stems hanging over the sides. Joey waved and drove off quickly.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Susanna looked up from the supper table as the sound of buggy wheels floated in from the driveway. Mamm leaped to her feet to peer out the kitchen window. A big smile spread over Mamm’s face. “It’s Ernest!” she exclaimed. “He must have come to pay Susanna a special visit tonight. Now isn’t that a great honor?”

  “Why can’t they act like normal couples and date on Sunday evenings?” Henry grumbled. “Isn’t it about time for that? Now they’ll be out on the porch all evening, and we’ll have to tiptoe out the washroom door.”

  “Now, Henry,” Mamm chided. “Remember whose side you’re on.”

  Henry faked a smile and went back to eating his pecan pie.

  “Susanna,” Mamm continued, “you should go up and change. Ernest must see you at your best.”

  Truth be told, Mamm had probably arranged this meeting. But Mamm always did what she thought best.

  “Go!” Mamm waved her hand toward the stair door. “You can finish your pie later.”

  “We should pray first,” Daett spoke up.

  “Without finishing the meal, Ralph?” Mamm exclaimed.

  “We can give thanks for all that is on the table,” Daett said, attempting a smile.

  Mamm gave in, and the rest of the family lay down their forks to bow their heads.

  “Our Father who art in heaven,” Daett prayed. “We give You thanks for the supper we have eaten and for the strength given to our bodies. Bless now the rest of the evening, and especially Susanna and Ernest as they continue to seek Your will for their lives. Amen.”

  Susanna made a quick dash for the stairway, but she slowed down once she was out of sight and took the steps one at a time. As she entered her bedroom, Susanna wiped her eyes and sat on her bed. For a minute she thought about what would happen if she refused to change into her Sunday dress and put on a torn apron instead. That would be an appropriate gesture. Then Ernest could see her as she really was. Only he wouldn’t. He’d think no one had warned her of his arrival. No, she would prepare properly. Susanna plucked her best Sunday dress from the closet and quickly slipped into it. Ten minutes later the last pin was in place, and Susanna made her way back down the stairs.

  “That was fast,” Mamm said, obviously pleased. “Just keep up your courage, dear. You will soon be in love with the man.” Mamm patted Susanna on the shoulder. “Go meet him on the front porch. Daett is talking with him out by his buggy. Just sit down and wait. He’ll come.”

  Susanna nodded and made her way out to the porch. The movement caught the attention of Ernest from where he stood, facing the house. His head jerked up, and his words to Daett stopped. Daett also turned, and Susanna quickly sat down with her back to them. Moments later, she heard Ernest’s footsteps on the walk. She clutched the arms of the porch chair and waited. She would think of Ernest’s two cute little girls, Lizzie and Martha. They were so adorable—she couldn’t help but love them. Maybe in the days and weeks ahead some of that natural affection would spill over into feelings toward Ernest. She had to keep up her courage.

  “Goot evening.” Ernest appeared in front of her, his bearded face grim. “Can I sit down?”

  Susanna didn’t move and Ernest sat down anyway. He took in her Sunday dress with a quick glance. “I see your mamm told you of my coming.”

  Susanna didn’t respond.

  Ernest c
leared his throat and began. “Your daett has assured me of your continued obedience and willing heart. That encourages me, but that’s not why I have come tonight.” He cast a sideways glance at Susanna and went on. “I think it’s time you and I had a more detailed talk about what lies ahead of us.”

  Susanna just nodded. She didn’t want to have a conversation about an engagement. She wasn’t even close to ready yet, but perhaps Ernest had something else in mind.

  “I would have brought the girls along,” Ernest continued, “but we really should talk, just the two of us…I hope you understand that, Susanna.”

  Susanna nodded again and waited.

  “I intend to love you in the same way I once loved Naomi,” Ernest went on. “I hope you understand that too.” He hesitated. “There’s something I should ask, although I didn’t want to move ahead too quickly…” Ernest paused again.

  Susanna glanced at him, but said nothing.

  “You will be my frau this wedding season, won’t you?” Ernest’s voice was tense.

  Susanna took a deep breath. “Ernest, please don’t push me into that. I understood your offer from the beginning, but I need more time before I commit myself.”

  “But I thought this was all decided,” Ernest said.

  “I know you thought that,” Susanna allowed. “So do Mamm and Daett.”

  Ernest seemed to relax. “Yah. But we—you and I—we’ve never made it official that you would wed me. That…” Ernest’s voice drifted off. “I’m sorry, this is most awkward and I wouldn’t have brought it up, but…well, I think we should make it official and soon. For your sake too. It will end your waffling back and forth all the time. Making up one’s mind does wonders sometimes. The road straightens out, so to speak.” Ernest fiddled with his hands, his gaze on the porch floor.