Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Susanna stared at him. She had never seen the man this nervous. “It’s best, Ernest, if we do this right. Do you really want a frau who doesn’t love you? But on the other hand, if I wish to stay in the community and have a decent reputation, I have to marry you. The only other option would be to jump the fence into the Englisha world.”

  “Which you won’t take!” Ernest’s tone was sharp. “And I do understand how things are, Susanna. Of course no one wants to force you into a marriage with me, even if that would be the wisest choice. I hesitate to say this since I’m on the receiving end, but…” Ernest paused to take another tack. “Susanna, what is out there in the Englisha world besides grief and sorrow and heartache and broken homes? Or children who run wild in the ways of sin, and all the emptiness that comes from a life lived for one’s self?” The smile was back on Ernest’s face. “Surely you can see the right choice. There really is no other one to make. And many a woman in a second marriage enters into it with her confidence set in the Lord, believing that love will come in its own time.”

  Susanna allowed her confusion to show. “So you think I shouldn’t hesitate, or ask questions, or make sure my heart is in this?”

  “I think you know the answer to that,” Ernest said. “Of course, the enemy of your soul casts doubts upon a decision like this. But you should side with the Lord and put an end to the tactics of the enemy. You should say the words, ‘Yah, I will marry, Ernest.’” He smiled crookedly.

  Susanna looked away and didn’t answer.

  “So is the silence your way of saying yah?” Ernest asked.

  “No,” she finally said. “I know you and everyone in the community wants me to decide about my life your way…but it’s my life and my future. I have to do this my way.”

  Ernest frowned. “It seems to me you’ve been doing this your way long enough. Why can’t you commit yourself? That’s the first step in the long journey back to an Amish life.”

  “Because…” Susanna searched for words. “I just can’t. Marriage is a lifetime decision, and it’s being forced on me out of the blue. Not that long ago I was in my rumspringa, and suddenly I’m in a totally different world. I just can’t say yah, Ernest. I’m sorry. You’ll have to wait on me.”

  Ernest nodded. “I will try, Susanna. The Lord knows you are worth the wait. But can you give me some comfort that in the end you will decide to wed me? That my time is not wasted? But here I go, doing the same thing your daett did. He has been easy on you, and look where that has led you. No goot fruit comes out of tolerating wrong. It would be best if you’d agree at once to marry me, and we can work out the details after that. The longer we wait, the more difficult this will become. That’s what I fear.”

  Susanna pressed her lips together. She should say yah, but she just couldn’t. The wild Englisha blood of her mamm must be the cause of this rebellion, but that couldn’t be helped either.

  “Please, Susanna,” Ernest begged. “These are not difficult words to say. You know that in the end you must—and will—say yah when Bishop Enos asks if you will take me as your husband on our wedding day.”

  “Please do not push me.” Susanna bit off the words. “I need more time, and nothing will change that.”

  Ernest’s smile changed to a glare. “I see why no one else will take you as his frau. You have rebellious Englisha blood in you. There is no question about that, but a goot husband can handle such rebellion. I have the promise of the Lord on my side. The faith of the others may falter, but I have my hope fixed on the rock that does not move, Susanna—the Word of the Lord.” Ernest paused to gaze across the open fields, apparently lost in his own thoughts for a moment. “Marriage is honorable in all,” he finally continued. “And if I may add my own words to the Scriptures, this is true even when the woman has an Englisha mother. The Lord will be with us.”

  “Yah, He will,” Susanna agreed. “We just don’t know how He will be with us. We don’t know if it will be in marriage.”

  Ernest’s face was set. “Let me set one thing straight, Susanna. You will no longer go to the Sunday meetings, or anywhere else in the community, with that long, sorrowful look on your face. You will be my frau someday, and my cheerful frau when we’ve said the vows. It’s time for your attitude to change. I’m offering you decency, a goot life in the community, and respect from everyone. On top of that I bring two kinner to the union that you can love and adore. What more could you want? So smile in public and show your gratitude for the blessings the Lord has showered upon you. Things could have gone much differently if I had not been around to offer you a chance at marriage.”

  Susanna didn’t move on the swing. He spoke the truth. She had much she could be thankful for. It was time she gave the man some respect, so she attempted a smile in his direction and added, “You will make a goot husband for your next frau, I am sure.”

  Ernest didn’t seem to notice the implication of her words as he glowed from ear to ear. “I must be going now,” he said, getting to his feet. “This has been a profitable evening, all things considered. We need to have more of these talks as our wedding day approaches.”

  “As you wish.” Susanna said, keeping her head down.

  Ernest still seemed pleased. “Goot night then. I’ll see you later.”

  “Goot night,” she whispered, listening as his footsteps went down the porch steps and out toward the barn. Moments later the beat of his horse’s hooves crunched on the gravel in the driveway. Susanna forced her breathing to even out, and whispered a quick prayer toward the heavens. “Thank You, dear Lord, that I didn’t say impossible words tonight that I must take back later. Thank You for helping me as I try to do Your will.”

  Chapter Twenty

  The following Sunday service ended exactly at twelve o’clock, and the tables were set up for the noon meal. Susanna helped with the first rush of service. Once things had calmed down, she stood along the living room wall with several other girls to catch her breath.

  “How are you doing this morning?” Katherine Helmuth asked Susanna.

  Two of the other girls turned their heads to listen.

  Must Katherine be this obvious? Susanna pasted on a smile. “Okay, I guess,” she chirped. “Maybe we’ll get to eat at the next table and replenish our strength.”

  They all laughed, and thankfully Katherine leaned back against the wall and asked no more questions.

  Ernest’s gaze was fixed on her from across the room. She was sure of this. Ernest had followed her every movement all day. Her nerves were worn thin by this whole mess. She tried her best and had assumed a cheerful attitude all day. She had even offered Bishop Enos a smile before the morning baptismal class began upstairs. Bishop Enos, for his part, had appeared pleased with her efforts, as had Ernest when she caught his first glance during the sermons.

  Surely Ernest could leave her alone for a few moments. The stress was wearing on her. But what else could be done? She had to submit to the man. Somehow her Englisha mamm’s wildness must be overcome. Clearly Ernest was the answer, but what bitter medicine the Lord had chosen for her.

  A touch on Susanna’s arm caused her to jump. “Skittish, are we?” Emma whispered in her ear as the other girls moved back toward the kitchen. “You’ve been acting strange all morning. Is something wrong?”

  “I’m fine,” Susanna whispered back. What was Emma up to? Why was she so curious?

  “Ernest has been looking at you all day as usual.” Emma smiled wryly. “I’d say he’s quite smitten.”

  Susanna tried to chuckle, but the sound came out like fingernails on a chalkboard.

  “And you were smiling at Bishop Enos this morning,” Emma added. “That was unusual.”

  “I’m trying…to show I’m happy,” Susanna tried again, but from the look on Emma’s face, she had only made things worse.

  “Can I come home with you this afternoon?” Emma asked. “I think you need cheering up.”

  “Of course,” Susanna agreed at once. “There’s nothing going
on until the hymn singing.”

  “Then it’s settled,” Emma said. “Can I ride along with you and Henry?”

  “I don’t think Henry would object.” Susanna opened her eyes wide. “Is this what I think it is?”

  Emma smiled. “I think Henry is quite capable of his own advances, if he’s interested—which he isn’t.”

  “But you…” Susanna persisted.

  Emma shook her head. “No, I just want to talk with you. I’ve had you on my heart all week. Well, since early this week to be exact.”

  “Then let’s see if we can get on the next table,” Susanna suggested.

  Emma stuck close to her as they waited in the kitchen, beyond Ernest’s gaze. Ten minutes later they helped clear the first round of tables.

  There were plenty of places at the end of the living room table, and both girls took seats alongside Katherine and several others. Bishop Enos led out in a prayer of thanks, and the younger girls served the table. Susanna tried to join the light chatter, and she sent plenty of smiles all around since Ernest had a clear view of her from where he stood against the wall with several of the men.

  The meal ended with another prayer of thanks from Bishop Enos, and Susanna motioned with her head. “There go Henry and James leaving for the barn now. We’d best go tell them so James can ride home with Mamm and Daett.”

  Emma squeezed Susanna’s hand, and they hurried through the living room and the tight kitchen quarters. Once in the washroom, they found their shawls and draped them over their shoulders. With Susanna in the lead, they crossed the lawn and arrived at Henry’s buggy as he came up with his horse. There was no sign of James.

  “What’s this all about?” Henry teased. “Did I invite someone home while I was asleep?”

  “Oh, stop it,” Susanna chided him, but Emma seemed to enjoy the tease.

  “Am I not a worthy catch?” Emma teased back. “You’d have a difficult time doing better, I’m thinking.”

  Henry roared with laughter. “Truly this is a woman bold and brash. I wouldn’t have thought it of you, Emma. You appear so meek and mild in the service.”

  Emma chuckled and held up the buggy shafts for Henry. “Let that be a lesson in appearances, young man. Not all things are as they seem.”

  Henry’s laughter was lower. “You sound like Susanna.”

  Susanna climbed in the buggy and let the sound of their happy chatter wash over her. The tears threatened to flow, but she held them back. This afternoon was not a time for sorrow. Emma had reached out to her in compassion, and she was thankful. Susanna lifted her heart toward the heavens for a quick prayer. Thank You, Lord, for Your grace. You must have known the load had become too heavy for me to bear.

  James’s holler came from behind them. “Hey, what’s going on here?”

  “Just an extra rider,” Henry told him. “You’ll be walking home.”

  “No I won’t,” James retorted.

  “Sorry about this,” Emma cooed. “I fell in love with Henry this morning, and I had to ride home with him this afternoon already.”

  Henry’s hoot caused several men in the yard to look their way.

  James grinned from ear to ear and said loudly, “Well, Henry could have done worse, I guess.”

  “If you both don’t stop this…” Emma’s face grew red. “I didn’t mean for you to broadcast my teasing to the world.”

  James glanced at his brother. “Now she sounds like Susanna.”

  “That’s what I just said,” Henry agreed. “Maybe we should bring her home more often, and they could straighten each other out.”

  “Sounds goot to me.” James chuckled and hurried off.

  “What brothers you have,” Emma told Susanna as she settled into the buggy.

  “Yah, they are decent men,” Susanna said, scooting over to one side of the seat. Emma did the same, and Henry tossed in the lines to climb up and sit between them.

  Henry took a moment to look around and proclaim, “My, what a day. I have two goot-looking girls in my buggy. How privileged indeed.”

  “Just go,” Susanna said. “You’ll make a scene.”

  Henry grinned and jiggled the reins to steer Ranger out of the driveway. Susanna tried to stifle herself, but giggles overcame both girls by the time Henry pulled out on the blacktop road. She had never known Emma to act this way, but then again, Emma had never come home with her before. Maybe the Lord had allowed their friendship to develop so she would have another firm support once she married Ernest.

  Susanna’s face darkened at the thought, and she turned to gaze across the passing landscape. Her silence wasn’t noticed as Henry and Emma resumed their chatter.

  “What’s your horse’s name?” Emma asked.

  “Ranger. Do you like it?”

  “Will you change it if I don’t?”

  Henry chuckled. “I doubt that, since my marriage prospects to you have been so cruelly wrenched out from under my feet.”

  Emma joined in his chuckle. “Your horse is a plodder, so it probably wouldn’t help anyway. That’s what his name should be—Plodder!”

  “Oh, don’t you have such nice, kind things to say?” Henry pretended great bitterness.

  “The horse suits you quite well, I’m thinking,” Emma shot back.

  Their laugher pealed across the open fields. “So what really brings you home with us?” Henry finally asked.

  Emma hesitated before she answered. “I thought Susanna needed some cheering up.”

  “I appreciate that,” Henry allowed as he turned onto Maple Ridge Road. Minutes later he pulled back on the reins and turned into the Miller driveway.

  “Well, here we are. Thanks for the wedding thoughts,” Emma said, and the two laughed again as Henry came to a stop by the barn.

  Emma jumped out first to help Henry unhitch. Susanna hung back and watched them. Maybe there was a romance between the two of them that neither wished to admit? They sure seemed to enjoy each other’s presence.

  But soon Emma’s attention turned back to Susanna. Henry left for the barn with Ranger, and Emma didn’t gaze after him. Instead she faced Susanna and offered a soft smile. “Sorry about all that. I got to chattering with Henry and forgot why I came home with you.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” Susanna said. “I was enjoying the time. The Lord knows I need the diversion, so thanks. Shall we go in the house?”

  “That would be great.” Emma fell in line behind her. “Maybe we can go somewhere and speak in private?”

  “Sure, we can go up to my bedroom. But first…do you and Henry have something going after all?” Susanna attempted a tease.

  Emma ignored the comment as they walked through the empty house and up the stairs.

  “What a lovely room!” Emma exclaimed when they entered Susanna’s bedroom. “I haven’t been here in a while.”

  “Well, I’m glad you’re here now,” Susanna said. “So was I so terrible this morning with my forced cheerfulness that I need a lecture?”

  “Of course not,” Emma said. She came over to sit beside Susanna on the bed. “I feel bad about this whole situation, that’s all. I can’t believe the community is doing this to you. You shouldn’t have to marry Ernest if you don’t want to.”

  Susanna stared at Emma. “Well, you’re about the only one in the community who thinks that way. Is that what you’re here to tell me? Because if it is, I sure need to hear it!”

  Emma reached for Susanna’s hand. “I don’t want to shock you, Susanna, so I don’t know where to start with this. But…” Emma looked away. “I don’t know how to say the words, or how much I should say—because if you really are in love with Ernest, I don’t want to interfere.” She gave Susanna a quick glance.

  Susanna stared. “What are you saying?”

  Emma looked away again. “Do you love Ernest, Susanna?”

  Susanna shook her head.

  Emma let out a long breath. “I didn’t think so. But now that I know for sure, I can say this. I met Joey last week. Or
rather, he looked me up. And I promised I would speak with you.”

  Susanna grabbed Emma’s arm. “You spoke with Joey? Where? What did he say?”

  “Just a minute, slow down.” Emma rubbed her arm.

  Susanna stood to pace the floor. “Where have you spoken with Joey? And why?”

  Emma hung her head for a moment. “Maybe I can explain. Let’s just keep it simple and say that I know I should be ashamed of myself for even bringing Joey’s message to you—but I’m not. I can’t help seeing how unhappy you are, Susanna, and I have my own reasons for being concerned. There’s your happiness, of course, but there are also other things. Some of them personal…but let’s start with this: How can a marriage between you and Ernest ever work? I mean, really, seeing how you feel… Have you thought of what would happen to Ernest if this marriage doesn’t work? If you were to jump the fence after you’re married to him, he would have to live with that for the rest of his life. He would be terribly unhappy.”

  “Yah,” Susanna agreed. “There’s no goot answer. But what did Joey want from you?”

  “He wants to speak with you, and you must go to him, Susanna. It’s all arranged. I’ll come by this Wednesday and pick you up. We already have a spot planned, where Joey will meet us. If you don’t want to go at all, no one needs to know about this plan. Or if you do want to go, to cut your ties with Joey, that will be fine too. He just needs to know. He’s very worried about you. And so am I.”

  “You?” Susanna asked. “Why?”

  Emma hesitated. “Of course I care about you…but I also care about Ernest’s happiness.”

  Emma dropped her gaze for a moment. “Yah, I’ll admit that I couldn’t stand to see Ernest marrying you if you won’t make him happy. If you’re happy with Ernest, I won’t complain—but if you’re not, then why would you marry the man and ruin both of your lives? What if things become so bad that you jump the fence after the wedding? There is more to a marriage than vows, Susanna. Surely you know that. And if you left Ernest after becoming his frau, you’d be condemning him to a single life. The man could never marry again while you’re alive. And I’m the one who would have to stay behind and watch Ernest endure his loneliness.”